Last weekend, I went to a concert with my friend. Her ex boyfriend was there and slipped something in her drink. I guess he got his dosage wrong because she fell unconscious and hit her head on the concrete floor. He immediately fled the scene.
I followed the ambulance to the hospital and spent the night with her. It was absolute hell. She was delirious, violent and completely out of her mind for hours. It was like a scene from the exorcist.
The hospital staff was infuriatingly dismissive. They treated her like a drunk. The paramedics didn’t disclose that she had been drugged or that she hit her head. I had to advocate for her care every step of the way. What’s worse is I learned standard toxicology screenings in the US only test for a handful of substances. Many of the most popular drugs used for these purposes won’t show up.
It’s the aftermath that has me so infuriated though. We are part of a close knit community that holds regular concerts and dance events. This guy also attends these gatherings (mostly to hunt for women). Since the police won’t do anything, I have gone to every club owner, event promoter, DJ I know with his picture and a description of what happened.
No one cares, no one wants to get involved, no one will ban these guys just based on what a woman says happened. He will suffer no consequences and will be allowed to continue this behavior. How many women will he hurt because no one will hold him accountable?
I feel helpless, disgusted and not at all safe in the community I once loved. I hate that the actions of one man and the resulting inaction of many others have taken this from me.
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I’m so very sorry that happened to your friend and you. You are a wonderful friend. She may need counseling, and a lot of patience.
ETA:I find women sticking together is the best defense.
I am so sorry!! Is your friend okay? You’re definitely not alone. It’s a huge injustice that these predators get away with so much for so long.
I’m so sorry that happened to your friend, and please don’t discount the trauma of witnessing it. Take care of yourself, talk it out. I’m especially pissed that these clubs didn’t actively assure you that this guy wasn’t welcome, wtf?? I hate the thought, but since the goal is safety, would a male friend be willing to pass this guy’s photo around?
I just finished a wonderful book called The Women by Kristin Hannah about a field hospital nurse in Vietnam (fiction). She came home with PTSD but no one would help her because there “were no women in Vietnam,” and she was “just a nurse and didn’t see combat so her feelings can’t be that bad.” But she did see it, and she did feel it. You seeing your friend go through that reminded me of that book.
Keep your chin up, keep fighting for your friends, and keep doing what you love. We’re in this together.
I’m grateful you were there!
I went thru this 20+ years ago, and nobody did anything or believed the women. I hope to hell it’s better now.
Seems like a post for r/law… Not into suing everyone for everything but it seems appropriate here.
Put up PSA fliers with his picture in the women’s bathrooms at all these spaces. Better yet, get stickers made and put them inside the toilet stalls.
Editing to add that if you do decide on a guerilla sticker campaign, please get stickers made with removable adhesive.
That is very invalidating. If the organizers won’t do anything, may I suggest a smear campaign? Maybe print his name and face on a pamphlet and hand them out at events. Or post it in the comments section of social media posts for these events (the problem is then its clear who’s behind the campaign, and he might retaliate, or the organizers might ban you for “making trouble”) Maybe organizers will cave to public pressure and ban him. Or maybe you can just make him feel unwelcome enough not to show up anymore. At the very least you might protect a potential victim, or make other men afraid to pull shit like that.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
Have you ever seen the movie A Promising Young Woman? Not sure if it will help with closure, (w/e tf that even means…) but it might be nice to SEE that what you are going through is not unique. (Unfortunately!!!)
Thank-you for sticking up for her to the best of your ability. Keep speaking out about him. Even if no one DOES anything explicit about it, hopefully it will keep someone safe. Maybe.
ETA: THIS is why women need a TEA – style App.
I hate how it’s still like this in 2025. This happened to a college friend in 2010. We knew who did it. We told his friends, his sports team, campus police, everyone.
Shockingly, campus police actually offered to ban the culprit (he already graduated and was no longer a student), but literally no one else cared. His friends, guys and girls, just laughed it off like a joke. Then got mad at the victim for trying to get him banned. And claimed it’s be unfair because he was applying to be a cop and could cost him his job.
His friends from then are still friends with him today. And two of them are now lawyers. One is a woman who works in family law and minors counseling. God I feel sorry for her clients.
I’m so sorry this happened. When you just want to have a nice night out in town and have a good time, then end up not being able to do that. It’s even worse when organizers don’t want to do anything about it. It’s things like this happening that make people just want to stay home with the mentality of “nothing will happen to me if I just stay home,” and honestly I wouldn’t blame anyone with that mentality.
I’m sorry. That’s all terrifying. Spiking someone’s drink should be assault or attempted manslaughter or something.
As a man, I was inadvertently roofied. When I was 24, I was a 230 lb rugby prop. I arrived at a party when a friend was leaving. She handed me a drink someone made her and said she didn’t want it. She was like 5’3 and MAYBE hit like 110lbs.
So I was more than two of her combined. That drink destroyed me. I had to be carried home because I could not walk and likely should have gone to ER
That drink is the only one I had that night and my friends said it was like I’d ceased to have brain functions. Like 20 minutes after arriving I was fading out of consciousness. To this day I am positive had she drank that drink she’d have died.
People that do this are vile beyond words
Feel free to burn something. This is absolutely outrageous, I’m so sorry she had to go through that and you witnessed it all x
Tell anyone who bothers to listen. you could help save a lot of people by letting them know that he’s dangerous
Put up flyers in the women’s bathrooms at those places, since the owners don’t gaf.
Can he at least be sued for medical bills and emotional distress? Absolutely appalling that our society lets men like him get away with it
The frustration is palpable. I’m so sorry.
Long story really short a friend a mine had a car in her name stolen by someone taking advantage of her fleeing of a domestic abuse relationship. Not one police officer, lawyer, or resource aid gave a SHIT to hear her explain how the system was failing her. Not one avenue was helpful. It was so fucking frustrating!! We were giving every detail pleading for help and they shrugged and said “sorry we can’t do anything try somewhere else”. I know exactly what you mean.
I hope your friend is healing up <3
I don’t know what type of dance/community your are a member of but I’ll share what some friends did when safety wasn’t taken into account. And everyone just threw up their hands.
They joined the committees organizing the events as a board member or secretary and the like. After they joined they kept at the committee until they created a safety policy. This takes time, but it is a way for the future. Plus it makes you more official and less of a “hysterical overreacting woman”.
Also, some people won’t do anything cause they don’t know what to go. If you research the ways other groups ate doing it and bring them a draft safety policy it can go a long way to getting it started.
Just wanted to say that you’re absolutely amazing! Shit like this really sucks, the world we live in.
Stick together and try to come up with a one page Patient Advocacy (questions to ask, what to look for etc) for the Roofie Issue. Also see if you can contact local news outlets (radio, TV, maybe even print) to ask why the hospital was not prepared for an issue that has been known for over two decades. Be supportive and build a trust network of friends to check on each other. Good luck – your friend has a good solid friend in you!
How do you know the paramedics didn’t disclose her head injury? Do you think the swelling or bleeding could have given it away?
r/UnethicalLifeProTips
There are communities in every city that can help you spread the word about his behavior. Some of them are on Facebook and Insta, and have overlap in the club, Burner and kink scenes. “Whisper networks” exist everywhere. You just have to know where to look.
post in any local/scene groups on facebook, discord, reddit, etc. it won’t do anything with the authorities but you can still let people know and since your friend is almost certainly not the first, it may encourage others to speak up as well.
i got hit on by a dude on tinder who gave me a super skeevy vibe and about six months later someone in one of the local music scene fb groups posted his info because he was – surprise surprise – a serial sexual predator. i was never in any danger, because i wasn’t entertaining his bullshit from the start, but it was a good reminder that a) assholes are everywhere and b) community is often the strongest power we have.
let everybody know.
If she can get a restraining order (protective order) against him, then the venue owners will listen. I had to do this a few years ago.
He will not be allowed to attend any event she is at. This is the only way the venue will pay attention.
When she’s well enough, I recommend playing some Tetris together, or another puzzle game. This is extremely heavy and I hope you and she can get counseling ❤️🩹
Medical lab tech here. call the Emergency department back and ask if they have a SANE nurse (sexual assault Nurse Examiner) they can get blood samples and collect urine. The reason this is important is that in order for this to be used for legal purposes it has to be collected in a Chain of Custody meaning. Certified eyes are collecting the sample and proper legal procedures are being followed. You need to hurry before it gets out of her system. The nurse should also contact the police for her if she requests it. If she doesn’t want to call the police, they can still just store the samples
Time is critical. Substances like Rohypnol can leave the system quickly—within 12–24 hours in blood, and 2–4 days in urine. The sooner she goes in, the better.
Im sorry for your friend, it must be like living a nightmare.Thank you for fighting for your friend protect yourselves in any way you can.
Could you go to the bartenders in the community? If they have his picture maybe they can keep an eye on the guy or a girl he’s with. I am not in the concert/bar scene but I know a few bartenders who really care about the patrons they serve
Leave yelp or google reviews.
“My friend was roofied here and they wouldn’t listen to us. The guy who roofied her is STILL a regular here.”
Even if it doesn’t spur the owners to act, at least it’ll help other women know. Heck, leave yelp AND google reviews. If they wanna have a boys club then just let it be only a boys club. I don’t blame the club owners for being unable to prevent an isolated incident (except maybe provide drink covers hello) but they should face consequences for how they handled the aftermath.
You’re such an amazing friend. Anyone would be lucky to have you. I’m so proud of you for all that you did for your friend, and how you advocated for her.
What about the Nextdoor app? Could you post something there, if you have it or something similar to it?
Also a Facebook site like: Are We Dating the same guy (insert name of city) and make a post there to warn women about him…
Last thought, having been on dating apps a couple of weeks in the last 2 years, I’ve seen some profiles where it’s obvious a woman creates a fake profile posing as a man. She takes a picture of him, and in the bio, puts his identifying info, and then writes what to be aware of…
Just a couple of ideas. So proud of you, OP. And ofc so frustrated at law enforcement and the hospitals. I wonder if dispatch at the non-emergency line for the police might be more helpful? They’ve been good to me here in the southern US when I needed help w my mom (she has dementia).
This is horrible, and a very tough case for everyone who isn’t sure of what happened. The guy should absolutely be held accountable, but how do you prove that he did it?
This may be a hot take, but work with me for a second here… Imagine they did take you on your word and banned the guy and made his life miserable. Now… What if some crazy lady did something similar as revenge on an ex, who may or may not be an actual bad dude? And an innocent guy’s life is made hell because everyone took his ex at her word about whatever behavior she’s accusing him of?
I do 100% think that there should be better ways to screen for this kind of thing though, not that you could trace it back to the guy with solid proof. Thinking of that, does the venue you were at have security cameras? If you can see him slip something into her drink, that seems like the best way to show that he did it. And maybe this should become more common place, for this reason.