A few weeks ago, Sam borrowed my car to help a friend with a delivery not something unusual. When he brought back my car , I figured the gas tank was almost empty and there was a new scratch across the rear bumper, about 8 inches long. I know accidents had happened, and I have insurance, but when I asked him about it, he dismissed it, saying “It’s no big deal” and that he “would fill up the tank when I needed it.” He didn’t apologize or offer to handle repairs.
Then I learned he’d posted about borrowing the car online, joking that he “took me for a spin and returned it as a party favor,” which felt like he made light of the whole thing. At that point, I was upset not because of the car, but because his attitude felt dismissive, annoying and disrespectful.
I confronted him immediately, saying I expected at least an apology or am offer to help pay for fixing the scratch and some gas. I called the social media post out of context and insensitive. I tried to keep calm and stick to the facts. But he blew up, accused me of being unreasonably petty, and said I was overreacting because “it wasn’t that serious.”
Since then, Sam has really stopped talking to me. Some of our friends were asking what happened. Some say I should let it go, others think I made a fair and reasonable point. I’m not trying to ruin our friendship, I cherish it so much but I also see boundaries and respect so important. I’m left wondering whether confrontation was justified or whether I didn’t handle it properly.
Please I want to know if I did crossed a line in how I addressed this or if pushing back was fair, given how he behaved. Was I unreasonable about what a like small damage and a social media joke? Or was it right to expect accountability and respect?
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A few weeks ago, Sam borrowed my car to help a friend with a delivery not something unusual. When he brought back my car , I figured the gas tank was almost empty and there was a new scratch across the rear bumper, about 8 inches long. I know accidents had happened, and I have insurance, but when I asked him about it, he dismissed it, saying “It’s no big deal” and that he “would fill up the tank when I needed it.” He didn’t apologize or offer to handle repairs.
Then I learned he’d posted about borrowing the car online, joking that he “took me for a spin and returned it as a party favor,” which felt like he made light of the whole thing. At that point, I was upset not because of the car, but because his attitude felt dismissive, annoying and disrespectful.
I confronted him immediately, saying I expected at least an apology or am offer to help pay for fixing the scratch and some gas. I called the social media post out of context and insensitive. I tried to keep calm and stick to the facts. But he blew up, accused me of being unreasonably petty, and said I was overreacting because “it wasn’t that serious.”
Since then, Sam has really stopped talking to me. Some of our friends were asking what happened. Some say I should let it go, others think I made a fair and reasonable point. I’m not trying to ruin our friendship, I cherish it so much but I also see boundaries and respect so important. I’m left wondering whether confrontation was justified or whether I didn’t handle it properly.
Please I want to know if I did crossed a line in how I addressed this or if pushing back was fair, given how he behaved. Was I unreasonable about what a like small damage and a social media joke? Or was it right to expect accountability and respect?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because the scratch wasn’t huge, and I technically didn’t ask him to refill the gas or be extra carful beforehand. Maybe I overreacted by calling him out publicly and making it a bigger issue than it needed to be, especially if he saw it as just a favor from a good friend. I’m so worried if I came across as too uptight or made him feel attacked.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA but it’s not surprising that a friend who damaged your car and then bragged about it is unwilling to have an adult conversation about it. Hurtful, sure. Surprising, no! You’re 24, peak age of realizing that some friends are not there for the long haul. Cut your losses, tell inquiring friends the true story, and if it actually went down like that, people certainly won’t begrudge you cutting ties with him even if they stay friends with both of you.
You’re not the asshole, but your friend sure is. He needs to grow up and take ownership for his actions. He’s being an asshole and a bad friend.
So he borrowed your car, got it scratched, didn’t refill the gas and then blew up and got angry when confronted? Clearly you are NTA. If someone borrows my car, It better come back in mint condition. Truth is, he isn’t your friend, he’s an AH who has no respect for you or your belongings. He should be paying for the damages and I would suggest cutting him out of your life, as well as anyone who defends his actions. Trust me, these types aren’t worth keeping around.
NTA. part of having a good friendship is respecting boundaries and eachother’s things. he should be able to take feedback and take accountability, not freak out and turn it on you as soon as you call him out for something he’s clearly in the wrong for. of course i wasn’t there so idk the context or how you said it to him, but to me it sounds like you didn’t blow up or anything at him and he’s just upset he got called out. posting about that kind of thing to joke about it on social media crosses a line imo, that’s middle school/immature behavior. maybe give it a few days so he has time to think and then revisit it and explain why you just want your boundaries to be respected as well as your things. that’s only if you truly feel like having that discussion again cause it sounds like you already did. if he is truly a good friend, he should understand. if not, it’s honestly a him problem and i would cut him out, people like that aren’t worth having in your life
ℹ think NTA but I’m not entirely sure because some of the post is worded a bit odd for me to process
Nta he scratched your car and showed no remorse and didnt fill up the gas as a courtesy for borrowing your car? Doesnt sound like a friend
In my circles, if you borrow a car, you fill the tank; if you damage the car, you repair it.
NTA, but your friend isn’t, as he’s failed not only in these areas, but in respect for you as well. You’ve crossed no lines, and letting it go will just provide for further disrespect in the future.
There’s the old saying for borrowing “Treat it like it’s yours.”
That’s BS. I hate that saying. When people borrowed my stuff and said that to me I always replied “No, treat it like it’s NOT yours. Like it’s mine and how I’d treat it. If you can’t, then don’t borrow it.”
I used to borrow vehicles and items rarely and I’d make sure they come back better than when I got them as APPRECIATION to the fact they trusted me to let me borrow something of theirs I needed and didn’t have.
I’ve lent things out and it’s like lending money. Give it to borrow like you’re giving it away, never expect to see it again. Very important with teenage kids, yeesh.
Big time NTA.
I hope it works out between you and your friend but be prepared for this person to become a not friend. Don’t know the history but if you look back and see if there were other red flags of them showing what they are like.
Nta- this person is showing you who they are. Believe them. They may truly think “it’s no big deal” and that they’ve done no wrong, but in dismissing your concerns, they are effectively saying to you that your beliefs are false and not as important as mine. You don’t want people like this in your life.
You didn’t cross the line, he’s just acting like a jerk.
Try to have a serious talk with him, not about the car although it will look like that, but to actually determine whether or not you should be friends with such a jerk as this. Real friends don’t borrow your stuff then blow off when they’ve damaged it.
Try calmly asking him to go get an estimate at a place, and fill it up at the same time. His response may be determine if you’re still friends, but I suggest just staying calm to the whole thing and asking questions like so it’s fine if I mess up your stuff? At what point would you ever take care of my stuff that you borrow? Things like that. Try to probe exactly how much of an a****** he is, maybe record the whole thing so you can explain to your friends why you’re dumping this jerk.
NTA
After the media posting, you crossed no lines. Your alledged friend did, and exposed his character then and afterwards.
“took me for a spin and returned it as a party favor”
Somebody please correct me if I’m wrong. But that sounds like incredibly sexually-degrading, sexist language. Unless I’m not understanding that sentence structure..?
Is that asshole really your friend? Cause it doesn’t seem like it.
NTA