My (39F) husband (47M) is making me more frustrated with his attitude lately like he’s always had a silent confidence to him which made me attracted but lately it’s been changed into arrogance like he’s above basic things or just doesn’t do anything that doesn’t benefit him directly. The cherry on top was last night when we hosted a house party like just some friends over and we had a barbecue along with some drinks. I did organize most of it along with cooking the food and he was charming and fun during the actual party. But when the guests left I asked him if he could help me with the dishes and he just looked to the sink and replied with isn’t there a service we can call for that? And that shocked me like he wasn’t even considering doing it.
I ended up doing everything myself while he was on his home office doing god knows what. It’s not even about the dishes like it’s the attitude. This kind of thing has been building slowly and I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if this is just the start of something else.
TL;DR: Husband been acting more arrogant like he’s above doing basic things and after a party I mostly organized he refused to help clean and suggested hiring someone instead. It’s not just about the dishes but it feels like a bigger issue.
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Just copy his behavior for some weeks (this is hard because it means your gonna live in a mess for a while) when he dousn’t want to do the dishes just anounse happily that you agree and join him with whatever he is doing.
I would talk to him about it, and get his perspective on why he didn’t feel like helping. Not sure how good your communication is, but anytime something is bothering me or my wife, it is always down to a misunderstanding.
It could be he felt he did more than you think he did, or it could be he was mentally exhausted and just wanted to go decompress (introvert kinda issue), or he could just be an asshole who is taking advantage of knowing you’ll do it.
I would make your case, explain how you’re feeling about it while letting him provide his explanation. Then take it from there.
My wife tends to let stuff clutter up (one of her only real red flags), and while she does clean, it is often on her “I was just going to do it later” where I am more of a “Take the few minutes now so it’s done”. Sometimes I feel like I do more cleaning, but it isn’t always the case.
It’s a lack of respect really. He knows you’ll break down and do it, so he waits it out. So my suggestion is to stop doing the chores he refuses to help with.
Let the dishes pile up. If he wants to host a party, leave him to figure out the food and entertainment. If he wants to hire a service, let him spend the money on that and see how expensive it is. Don’t continue to pick up the slack for him. He’s an adult, needs to grow up and be a proper partner. You aren’t his mother or his maid.
It’s concerning when someone starts seeing their responsibilities as optional, especially when it affects the people around them… but have you considered how this shift in attitude might be linked to other changes in his behavior or priorities lately?
If he was willing to pay to have someone clean up, I’d have let him lol. But I sure as shit wouldn’t resentfully clean up while he sat around. I would simply leave it until he couldn’t stand it, with his same blasé attitude.
It does suck to have to play that game with someone who is supposed up be your partner though. Something else to think about.
Maybe he is dealing with something you are not aware of, but it isn’t your responsibility to deal with. Now, if you see this behavior, there is a chance you can help by communicating exactly this: I like this behavior, as you state, ‘silent confidence,’ but now it is getting out of hand. Making him aware can help you ease your emotions.
I would stop doing housework and have him pay for a maid. His arrogance and insensitivity to not wanting to help his wife and life partner with the chores she was doing is not right. No empathy at all, no time shared at all. If this is building and he is going further and further down this path, you need to communicate how it is making you feel, he an react, then you can either become okay with his response or go further. It is a conversation that may need outside input, but, you should never be uncomfortable in your home. Never.
OP, the way your husband is behaving isn’t okay. You need to sit down with him and have a serious talk, and make it clear you want to see some changes, or you’re gone. You don’t want to be with a man like this forever.
First, you shouldn’t have to ask him to help clean up. Fuck fucking losers like this guy.