Throwaway. For context we have a child together who’s 3, so all communication since the divorce until recently have just been about them.
My ex and I met through a mutual friend and were acquaintances for several years, friends for a few, and when we both had a rough patch in life we found each other and began dating. It was instant chemistry and felt right. We were best of friends and it’s was the picture of a perfect relationship. After about a year of dating we moved in together and several months later we got engaged. Soon after she got pregnant and we were married a few months later. However only just a handful of months into the marriage I found evidence of cheating and she admitted it when I showed her. We tried counseling but after just one session she was done. I served her the papers for divorce shortly after. During the counseling she said she was unhappy with me because of how much I did around the house, which apparently was not enough and she hadn’t mentioned that to me until then. She also said she felt forced into marrying me and wasn’t ready for that decision. This confused both me and the counselor because she was always positive in talking about getting engaged, she was there ring shopping with me, she said yes to the proposal, eagerly planned the wedding, and said yes at the altar. At any time she could’ve backed out.
Over the next several months of her moving out she gave birth to our child, we went through court for divorce and custody. The divorce was finalized and custody was split even 50/50 and life went on. We both said a lot of harsh things about each other, both blamed each other and a lot of harm was done.
She started dating someone shortly after our divorce was finalized and just recently I found out she married and is now divorcing him. Roughly 2 and a half years after ours finalized. I don’t know the specifics but she tells me he fell into drugs and she doesn’t want that around her or her children. Yes plural, she had a child with her new husband too. He apparently wants nothing to do with this child.
She reached out a few weeks back pretty much at rock bottom and we began talking. Reflecting on the past, breaking down our marriage, reminiscing about the good times, and apologizing for the bad. But apart from that we’ve also just talked about general things. Life and the kids, the future, and just joking around and chatting. Talking how we did when we were friends way back then and when we first started dating. We’ve both brought up the possibility of trying again and trying to right the wrongs, but both agree we aren’t ready yet.
I should be upset with her, and after what happened with us want nothing to do with her apart from our child. But I can’t help but get caught up in the conversations. Does anyone have any relatable stories? Are there second chances?
Any further questions I’ll try and answer, thanks for any comments.
Comments
Married and divorced twice before 30? Yikes.
If you can truly forgive and forget and start the relationship from zero and build a brand new one, I guess go for it? But still, yikes. There are women that will treat you better.
Good grief, man, no. That is an awful idea.
Doesn’t sound like she ever took accountability for her decision to cheat. I mean if it’s your fault she cheated then what happens the next time you forget to take out the trash?
Also, are you sure her second marriage ended because he got into drugs? Or maybe she cheated on him too?
Don’t do it. It’s easy to think it’ll be different when you only talk about the good times, and I know she seems honest to you now, but there’s also no risk in being honest to an extent.
When you’re dating, and she wants a way out she may hide that again. She didn’t even bother to tell you that she was getting married. That’s not something people from strangers, and you’re the father of one of her kids.
What makes you think she can be trusted?
Don’t do it! It’s evident she is the problem. She cheated on you and then didn’t wanna fix your marriage. In just 2 short years she moved on, got married, had another child, and then divorced. She’s just reaching out to you because you’re familiar territory. You deserve so much more than her. She’s only clawing back in because you’ve been there for her. I don’t know that giving it another try would be any different than the first.
Wow, she sounds like a great mom.
Bro, dont do it.
Dude, cheaters lie, this would 100% be a fool me once situation
Dont be her fallback because everything went to shit.
And please say you got a dna test
Unless both people have been through years of intense therapy and have actually made changes to how they communicate – which is learning how to effectively communicate, etc. – you’ll just end up where you were. Why put your kid through this?
It’s hard to see how rebuilding trust after cheating and such intense conflict would lead anywhere but pain again… what makes you think this time will be different?
She cheats… why put yourself through that again?
never go backwards in life, only forward.
she was deadset on moving forward with a divorce + not interested in therapy bc she was oogling her affair partner, and now that that didn’t work out, she is pouring back into you.
you are worth more than that.
be an awesome coparent, and keep it there.
Dude..
Ever heard of a saying “once bitten, twice shy”?
Proceed with extreme caution.
Maybe you are just horny, u/Bright-Agent-6736 – or lonely..
Her affair partner turned husband didn’t want her. Life is tough these days, especially for a single mom of two. She’s using you as a life raft. Don’t fall for her bullshit.
Slap yourself in the face and get some therapy.
You’re already divorced and getting along well. It sounds like you are becoming friends again. For the kids sake do not get back with her. It’ll just give her another chance to cheat and you’ll always woo see if she’s going to cheat on you again.
It’s fine if your friends, but once you cross that line, it’ll drive you nuts,. thinking about her cheating again. Don’t do it. It’s habitual for her, you know this in your gut.
I don’t understand: “he fell into drugs?” Like there was a pile of drugs on the ground, he tripped over a woodchuck and fell into the drugs ingesting them as he fell?
Once is a fluke, twice is a pattern. She likes the idea of being married but not actually being married. Enjoy this friendship and if you guys add benefits, use protection so you don’t repeat the cycle. You need to really be careful not to fall for it again.
You need to DNA test your child just to be sure and take her back to court for full custody since she was around drugs and could potentially be in the future. Protect your child (if the child is yours) updateme!
Come on man. GAH DAYUM. Don’t do it. She cheated and will do it again when she feels the same as she previously did.
She is at rock bottom and wants your support. She is a serial cheater and terrible in relationships. You should have your child DNA tested. You were betrayed and accused of causing her horrible actions. Something inside you wants to be complimented because you are a NICE guy. Keep your distance as she will seduce you into round two of sex and betrayal. updateme
Brother, just for a reason. Remind yourself of that. If that doesn’t help, look at her relationship now. It ended the same way. You are going through rose-tinted glasses. You’re only remembering the good feelings when you dated her. Take a breath, and remember why you split.
This seems fake. What woman has time or interest for an affair right after the birth of a baby?
Dude, dude wtf.really? Stay tf away she will only bring more pain and sorrow to your life…. Again.but hey do what you want
Come on. She needs therapy. She’s leap frogging from relationship to relationship and back. Don’t do this to the kids until she’s been to therapy for awhile. Second chances can work out but she has lots of emotional work to do first. She has to learn how to communicate and not just act like what she thinks people want to her to do.
Updateme
It’s easy to get lost in nostalgia, but rebuilding trust after betrayal and divorce… it could end up hurting everyone involved, especially your child. What if this time you focus on healing rather than revisiting the past? There’s strength in moving forward without looking back. Wouldn’t it be better to build a future where your child doesn’t have to watch their parents repeat the same mistakes?
This one is a hard one, I mean y’all are older now you could always decide to date and just take things slow. But if you’re in a good place now, dating and it not working out could make things turn for the worse.
On the other hand, she hasn’t taken responsibility for cheating on you (unless she has, but it wasn’t stated) and if y’all do get back together and move in together and then she cheats again because you didn’t do enough around the house then what? There are kids involved this time, you need to also think of them and how this could possibly affect them.
But to play devil’s advocate, I have friends who were married, got divorced, then remarried and are still happily married 15 years later. So there is always a chance, I would say listen to your heart and if you decide to try again make sure you go slow and set boundaries.
Do you have any other way to verify that her current husband is into drugs? So far all you have mentioned is from your ex, who has previously shown she can and will lie to you to hide cheating. How can you know she is telling you the truth?
And while you’re thinking about her truthfulness, how can you know she won’t cheat again? There is a saying I learned here a few months ago, trust is gained in drops and lost in buckets. She previously destroyed all trust you had in her. Now she is about to be divorced for the second time, with only one responsible baby daddy, and she is looking at a rough life and you represent possible stability, not love. If you can live with the thoughts she might cheat again, then go ahead and see what happens.
Make her get tested for any and all STDs before things go any farther.