How to handle NC

r/

My husband and I have been NC/LC all last year up until December-ish just right before Christmas. I will save the long story as to why for maybe another day… But last year has been a very eye-opening year and I can’t un-see certain behaviors and I am no longer tolerating myself being the “bigger person” anymore. Although I’ve forgiven, I still don’t trust her or other family member members that enable her(even though I don’t fully blame the other family members because it’s what they are trained to do), I still want to remain LC…

My question is, is it hard to go completely no contact when your husband has decided to go back to FC? How have you handled NC if your spouse is not, such as visits, receiving gifts/gift giving, information, and any other fill-in-the-blanks? Would I be putting a strain on my marriage for going NC or even remaining LC?

Comments

  1. botinlaw Avatar

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  2. Scenarioing Avatar

     “Would I be putting a strain on my marriage for going NC or even remaining LC?”

    —That despends on the dynamics at home and individual practical circumstances. There is no one size fits all answer.

  3. Kristan8 Avatar

    NC would cause more of a strain than LC. That said, I hope both of you will go to marriage counseling. Does your husband understand YOU are his top priority over MIL? I do hope your husband can understand why you are in the place you are with MIL and your reasons.

  4. mama2babas Avatar

    I was fighting my husband a lot. I went nuclear because he wouldn’t stand up to his mom for me OR our child so I told her off in the most succinct way I could about what my problems were with her and why I no longer would tolerate her disrespect. I wrote out 8 pages of things she has done, bullet point fashion so it was a lot, and handed it to my husband. I explained that I have put up with a lot and I have counted on him to stick up for us. I let him know he was not handling things in a way that made me feel secure or safe and every instance was of him choosing to pacify his mother at my expense. I told him that I had sacrificed enough and that I would no longer do it. 

    MIL had a few chances after I told her off and my husband had a chance to step up and didn’t. He instead ignored the bad behavior and tried to reward her for something as small as giving him a ride with time with our child! I went NC and my MIL lost it on my husband. She verbally abused him in a phone call and then disowned him. 5 days later she acted like nothing happened. I told my husband unless he resolved their last argument in a healthy way he couldn’t take our son to see her. She saw him after 4 months for 30 minutes because of a miscommunication between me and my husband. 

    My husband has stepped up. I told jim he could take our son to see her but needed to make the plan unprompted by her guilt trip or manipulation attempts. He realized he doesn’t actually want to see her. When I don’t go with him, his mom just complains about me the entire time. She is not nice to be around and she just plays victim and doesn’t appreciate the time she gets with HER son. She just wants access to our son without boundaries to fulfill her own emotional needs. My husband is now LC. 

    Our relationship has improved because he can see how much I sacrificed. He understands he failed me during the most vulnerable time in my life, and he is wanting to do better as a husband and father. Pointing out how he was using our son to pacify his mom hit hard. 

    My in-laws are divorced and I have a good relationship with everyone else. I have even had MILs brother over to see my son. If anyone brings up MIL I will either just brush it off or give an example of how she treated me and they are usually shocked. If it’s someone close to MIL I say, “I am happy you’re here and would like to focus on the time we have.” Because a lot of their concern is misplaced insecurity they will be cut off, too. 

    The most important thing is to stick to your resolve. Focus on self – differentiation and being confident in your decisions. 

    Avoid commenting on your MILs character, too. “Your mom is a horrid beast” won’t go well. Instead say, “i am uncomfortable with how your mother took the baby from my arms.” Focusing on the behavior rather than the character allows your spouse to see the problem rather than get defensive of his mother’s character. This tip has helped me tremendously!