I feel frustrated with this situation but I don’t know if it’s valid or if I’m just seeing it through a selfish lens, so I’d love advice on how to view this differently, or what to bring up in our conversations, or just overall how we should go about this.
Family background: We’re both in our late twenties. We have a 2 year old and are actively trying for our second baby.
My husband’s goal has always been to get his PhD. He wants to be a college professor in a niche topic of historical study. If the man could be paid to read and study and write papers for the rest of his life, it would be his greatest dream. His bachelor’s and master’s degrees are both in this field of study, which unfortunately just doesn’t lead to a lot of solid job opportunities outside of academia.
He really, really wants to start a PhD program in earnest this year. I’m super hesitant for a few reasons:
1) Currently, we just cannot be a single-income family. One of us has to work full time and the other part time.
2) We are in the midst of building our young family, with a toddler and (hopefully) a baby in the next year. (Our plan is to be done after two kids.) He is an amazing, involved father who absolutely wants kids and always has.
3) PhDs are expensive!! While we’re getting by okay, we just don’t have the funds for that kind of thing. Even if he got a full ride scholarship, he’d have to still work part time.
With work and family demands, I just don’t see how it’s possible for him to spend time in an academic program that requires lots of in-depth reading/studying and long research papers, without a lot of sacrifice… and I don’t know if I’m willing to do that sacrifice. BUT. I know this is his dream and what he wants to do with his life, and I feel like I’m shutting down his dream. I keep telling him to wait until our kids are older, but finishing this kind of program takes 5-6 years (so he tells me), so he’s losing time and maybe the “right time” will never come.
Feedback? Points to consider? Thanks!
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What does he do for work now? Any possibility he could find work at a university where he could pursue the degree?
Oh great idea to try and ruin his life dream, there is absolutely no way that this won’t be the seed towards resentment of you and the marriage. I say go for it, while you’re at it how about dropping an ultimatum into the mix.
Don’t be the starter wife who did all the work. He’s got a master’s, he can teach now and work on the Ph.D part-time.
What would the plan be if he went for it? Plan out how it could be possible is my advice.
Sounds like you have three good strikes against his idea. It will probably have to remain a dream.
Does he know how crappy academia is? He’ll be making absolute peanuts.
Cool cool, leave you to raise 2 kids by yourself, cause “I have to study”.
My dad was exactly the same (English lit PHD) and as a result my mom always told me that I needed to focus on just getting my bachelors and getting a good paying job.
I believe your concerns are extremely valid. Learning for the sake of learning can come later. Have to focus on ROI now – taking on debt / expenses with no income payoff just doesn’t make sense.
If he can’t get a full scholarship for a PhD program, then he isn’t likely to get a job at the end. Universities are going through a crisis. Jobs are disappearing. Wages are low. His dream probably needs a reality check. He has responsibilities to his family.
Life and marriage is all about communication and mutual compromise. Do you both want a second child or do you want a second child and he wants a PhD? I’m wondering if there’s some unspoken desires on his end because Pershing full time schooling with two young children and asking a spouse to be the sole provider really seems at odds with being an engaged spouse and mutually committed father.
If you’ve really done a budget (money and time) and it’s not possible to afford another child _and_ school, it’s critical to understand that you can have it all, just not all at the same time.
Math doesn’t care about his dream.
Please don’t have another baby with this man until you are both in agreement on this. One of you is going to resent the other.
Poor guy.
If he’s intelligent enough to be pursuing a PhD, he’s intelligent enough to realize this is not possible in your life at the moment. Talk to him, totally laying out your concerns, while reminding him that you ultimately want to support him. And ask him: do those concerns not sound reasonable to you? Can you explain why they don’t sound legitimate? Is his focus on future, uncertain events? Why is he not more concerned about the present?
If this is his dream, he may be caught in hopes right now. But parents have more immediate focuses they have to consider before the luxury of dreams. You don’t have to be the one to jerk him back down to earth, maybe just open the line of thought that allows him to gently do it himself.
Strictly on a financial basis, it definitely requires sacrifice to pursue becoming a history professor. Beyond the competition involved in faculty hiring, the academic job market is suffering a lot, especially in departments where student enrollment is going down, so many humanities departments are suffering from budget cuts as a result that can threaten job security even for tenured professors.
I’m not sure how history departments handles funding but for STEM PhD programs, PhD students are actually paid a salary, albeit a small salary. Students also don’t pay tuition. Tuition fees are covered by research funding that either comes from external funding agencies or the PhD advisor’s internal funding. If history departments similarly pay a small salary it should equate at least to what you might expect from a “part time salary”.
As someone who is engaged to a PHD candidate who put our life on hold until AFTER he completes it? I don’t even think I’m fertile anymore. I think we lost our chance for babies while he’s been pursuing his doctorate (with extension after extension). Live your life while it’s happening.
You need to pause trying to conceive until this has reached a resolution.
Tell him if he wants to do it, he needs to make a plan for the family for the 2 of you to discuss.
That plan must include a budget (including mat leave, 1 income, 2 kids, childcare etc). Emergency savings fund to get you through 7 years (6 for PhD, 1 for job search).
A studying plan. He should be able to find out x amount of hours for reading, y for studying, z for writing (or whatever) will be needed.
A childcare plan. If your working 40hrs a week and he’s studying 40 hours a week who is watching the kids? How is that paid for? Who will it be? Who’s doing pick ups and drop offs? If they are in day care would the hours work with your job or his study schedule? Etc
When you say he wants to start on it “in earnest” this year, does that mean he’s correctly working with his masters? Or is he just about to get his masters?
I think the timeline kind of matters. If he’s gravitating toward the phd just because he assumes he won’t find a job without one without really having looked seriously at the options becoming available to him at his new level, that’s a little different than, he’s already got a decent job but just isn’t excited for it, which is also different than, he’s been trying to get a job desperately for a while but can’t find anything.
As far as selfishness goes. You want to kind of focus on starting on a certain direction in life, he has this additional priority. Who’s selfish? Idk. The situation is ongoing. I’d still hope to find a solution that doesn’t leave either person as the selfish one.
Are you in the US? Most PhDs here are paid – not very highly, but in many fields, graduate students are paid to study and teach, and receive a stipend that covers at least basic cost of living. I have a friend making $40,000 for 5 years as a PhD student in the humanities.
I know this sounds cruel but as someone in a successful two-PhD household… that ship has sailed for him. It’s too late unless he wants to go back in retirement. Unless YOU have a relatively high-income position and can maintain it for your kids’ entire childhood, it will suck. Even if you do have that job, you’ll resent him for fucking around studying and spending your money and not devoting time to your family. Whatever job he eventually manages to get will pay poorly (the high-paying ones go to people ten years his junior who have already published books).
It only works if you do it in your 20s pre-family.
The issue with how he’s going to make a living is even more of an issue for after getting than PhD been for during it. A very small percentage of humanities doctorate get jobs in academia.
All decent programs included tuition, waiver, and a stipend. No one should pay for a PhD, that’s ridiculous. PhD students are employed by the university as research or teaching assistants.
There is no “right time.” He just has to do it. I had someone who (among other things) was not supportive of my education or my dreams. I chose my degree and my dreams. He went no where. I’m where I want to be.
Heh he hates you.
In this current economic climate, this seems like a horrible idea.
What country are you in? That determines a lot about how PhDs function.
As an academic who has sacrificed a lot, there’s no easy answer here. Having a dream that one personally can’t see an alternative is a tricky thing to balance against family life, and many of us never really figure that out.
History though, in any country, is going to be a challenging uphill battle. The humanities, broadly, are not valued by many societies at the moment, and there are few jobs/little support for the area in many countries. He needs to have a backup plan, and preferably multiple ideas of things to do in order to make a living while pursuing his goal.
Doing a PhD part-time is a great option here, if a university will host him.
His brain his choice…
He needs to have a realistic understanding of the academic job market for history PhDs (in short, it’s abysmal). It’s nice that he likes to research and write papers, but being a professor is so much more than that. Honestly, it’s a lifestyle that’s incompatible with a young family. Most academics typically wait until they’ve completed their PhD’s to have kids. Many wait until they have a tenure track job secured. It’s not a good career path for someone seeking the kind of stability you need to raise a family.
Further, he should not be paying for a PhD at all. If he can’t get funding at a very good (read Ivy or R1 school), he has no business getting a PhD. Period.
INFO:
Will a PhD significantly improve his career and income opportunities?
Will the cost of doing a PhD, the total cost including lost current-for-next-6-years wages, and lost time in pension schemes over years (considering compound interest’s effect on wealth), as well as whatever the course directly costs (fees, textbooks, conferences, etc.) pay off in increased income over future years?
Are there jobs now and in the future that he could reasonable actually get, for which he needs a PhD? (In my country there are few history academia jobs available, and networking connections, charm and luck, rather than a PhD, will have a lot to do with who gets those jobs. Large numbers of overqualified historians and humanities scholars won’t end up using their PhD at all in their career, people in this field can end up as high school history teachers and the like, you don’t need a PhD for that.)
Are you willing to uproot the family to wherever his history academic jobs end up being? there may be many while he tries to get tenure. He may be in a lot of poorly-paid teaching assistant jobs and the like, for years.
The sad reality for people who love tertiary learning is, sometimes Masters and PhDs are not worth what they cost, from a purely time and economic POV. Higher education for learning’s sake is valuable, but if that’s the main reason for doing this, he should just do it when the kids are teenagers and don’t need intense parental time investments, and he has saved more money.
Have you talked to him about it? Realistically how it would look like if you guys have another kid?
I have a son who is pursuing a PhD (at UBC) and has a 2yo and is trying for a second so I am all for it, you only live once and if this is his dream he should pursue it. Many PhD programs (in my experience) are fully funded and the graduate student gets paid on top of that to teach. My son is making 60k Canadian. Not enough to count as a full time job but they also get inexpensive housing on campus, childcare on campus and a rich life in academics. His partner does work full time at home and makes more than he does, she anticipates a generous maternity leave (as they have in Canada) and if things get tight I will give them money.
niche historical study? your not being selfish having a problem with it, hes being an idiot lol. he has a family, at least if it was something hed definetly get paid well for thatd be something
Hubby needs to survey recent PhD graduates to find out whether they are working as academics or, as I suspect, saying “Welcome to Walmart,” “I’ll be your server,” or “Where’s the spill?” Academia has always been a tough haul. With the economy in a downturn and kids these days questioning whether a degree is all that, Hubby better become very good at grant writing and work his butt off.
Is his dream job more important than his dream family? Because i”m not so sure women or men in this economy are going to be able to have it all. Sorry to be a pooper.
I would ask him to come up with a plan / strategy that helps you understand how this will all fit together without becoming a burden on the family finances, stress levels, and the marriage.
Because you’re trying to picture it and can’t see how it fits into the current situation without becoming an issue.
You’re not trying to kill his dream, you’re trying to problem solve and need his help to see the picture in a positive light over the course of the next 5-6 years. Not just what comes after.
Maybe there can be a compromise. Can he do part time for his phd instead of full time? This way you both can have a full time job, the cost for school per semester will be less, and the work load will be less so that not too much time is sacrificed away from the family. It’s an idea.
My father was absent for much of my childhood due to PhD and my mom worked full time. A lot of independent time from young age. We are close now but I definately feel we will not get time back. Everything is a tradeoff.
Are you comfortable with being a single parent who also works full time? That is what the plan is sounding like at the moment.
He can get a job and work on his PhD part time but that doesn’t sound like something he’s willing to pursue and you need to give that behavior a very critical eye.
Please hold off on having another baby right now. This man is more focused on his “dream” than providing for his family and that is a huge red flag. (Also….the employment opportunities for PhD graduates are not looking great at this time nor is academia as stable as we would like, so maybe his dream needs a reality check).
I can tell you he is at best will be able to start a PhD program next fall so fall 2026. He could possibly get admitted into a program that starts spring 2026 but that’s a stretch. Has he even researched programs, cost, and the almost certainly of having to move somewhere for a high quality program? Personally I would love to get a PhD but right now is not a good time with grants being cancelled, academic institutions under attack, and universities having to make cuts. Plus the stipend just isn’t enough in most places.
You have valid concerns but ultimately no good will come of telling him “no”. For what it’s worth I know a lot of people who have gotten their PhD while working full time, sometimes with kids, so it’s definitely possible. He will be very resentful if you crush his dream outright, and there’s no reason he can’t get a degree while being a good parent. That being said, have an honest discussion where you are both willing to listen and compromise. What is the realistic plan for the finances? Could he do a program on a slower timeline so a bit lower workload? Is he the type of person who manages time well and has a good head for academics? Or do you have true reason to think he’s biting off more than he can chew? These are the kinds of questions that need joint solutions and a realistic way to reach a goal.
single married mom.
You both need to work out a plan that will make this dream come true. Without his doctorate, he will probably never be happy and will be resentful toward you for not helping. He should be able to get some income while he is working on his doctorate, such as a teaching assistantship, and teaching online. Think too about the long term benefits: academia is usually pretty stable compared to the corporate world. You and your children will probably get free college tuition at the school where he works. He will probably have a much more flexible schedule as a professor than he would have in a different profession. So, there are long term benefits for the initial sacrifices. The question is: Are you both are willing to make the sacrifices necessary now to hopefully receive the benefits later? This is true for so many things in marriage – grad school, starting at a new job, building a business.
It’s not worth it now. The scarcity of jobs in the humanities alone should be a deterrent. If he wanted to do it that badly, he should have done it right after the Master’s. Why now when you have one child and want another? I started a PhD after starting a family — while working full time. I then realized that landing a full time university teaching job was highly unlikely and that I got paid more as a high school teacher than I might ever be as a prof (many get paid more but there is no guarantee of a full time job). He’s the one being selfish (and unrealistic) not you. Women have been told forever that they can’t have it all — neither can he.
I think some realism about the academic market is in order.
In all likelihood, after your husband gets his PhD, he still won’t have a full time job. If I recall accurately, about 8% of such grads get a position anywhere.
I have a PhD, so nothing against pursuing one, but the professoriate is not a viable career path.
And to those who think he can teach with a master’s, you’re wrong. He can pick up adjunct work for maybe 25k annually.
Since we’re talking about history, the most viable path is to teach high school. Pays about as well as being a college professor in the humanities (or social sciences if that’s how you class history).
I think it needs to be fully gamed out with him. It is impossible for strangers on the internet to assess your situation without all the details. There’s going to be an agreed $$ bottom line for the income you need as a family, and that’s going to equate to a bottom line to how much he needs to bring in after your job is taken into account. Once you know that dollar figure, you need to game it out together, as to whether it is achievable or not.
This way, it isn’t you crushing his dream: he is up against a threshold he has to clear. If he thinks he can clear it, it would be wise to figure out the first steps he can take to start making that a reality, and you can both reassess at agreed stages along the way. For instance: can he get enough scholarship coverage? Yes? Great, progress to next step. No? Serious reevaluation that may spell financial impossibility of his plan, or may require that he earn more part time, making his academic schedule lighter for that year. Can he get sustainable and reliable part time work to cover financial needs? Yes? Great, see how the first 3 months of study go in terms of load, home life, etc. No? His plan may be doomed for now.
The only way in which you would still be crushing his dream, is if your desire for a second child outweighs his, and that’s the cause for you to be saying no…
Either way, hopefully you guys can communicate well, openly and constructively, and figure out a way forward. Maybe a compromise if for him to start the phD but on a light academic schedule that leaves more time for him to work part time and spend time with the family… and see how that goes for a year. Again, this sets a challenge for him to rise up to, rather than just being denied pursuing his dream entirely.
Two of my friends that went back and got their phd had family money and were single, both men. Neither one uses their phd. One drives tourists in the summer and is a limo driver in the winter at a ski resort. The other is a singer driving around in a camper.
Absolutely not. There’s no way I could have had a baby and do my degree. I have residents who try this and it does not enough well UNLESS you have a village that raises your kid for 3-5 years, seven days a week. You already have a toddler don’t add a baby in the mix.. all the child care and house work will be on. Are you going to work with two young ones? He’ll never be available or have the brain space to listen to your concerns.
I didn’t go to school for my master’s or doctorate without a fully paid ride. If you’ve got to pay for your degree you’re digging one hell of a grave.
Dreams come second to feeding the children.
A student should NOT pursue a PhD without a full scholarship and some kind of stipend or fellowship. If the university gives you a full ride, it means they want you and intend to make an investment in your career. If your husband has to pay his own way, then the school has no intention of ever hiring him.
If he cannot get a student teaching job that pays for tuition or cannot get a full scholarship, no, don’t. It is selfish to spend that amount of money, time, and mental energy toward something that may not give him adequate full time employment with good pay. Getting tenure at this point in history is extraordinarily difficult, too.
You have a toddler and are trying for a second. When does he think he will be able to contribute to the household with a full time PhD program and likely student teaching? He cannot. He will make you do all the parenting while he “sacrifices” that time for a degree that won’t pay off. Literally.
I hope you can talk him out of this.
Doesn’t sound like he wants a second baby, it sounds like he doesn’t want to be around for the current baby either. The time for prioritizing his academic career was before children. Now he’s a dad, his role is to provide for that kid. If he thinks his kid needs him to have a niche PHD more than he thinks his kid needs him to be around, he is not really thinking about what is best for the kid, he’s manipulating the situation to yield the result he wants. Try telling him you want to go back to school. See how he handles the idea of being a full time worker and having to carry the majority of the baby load while you advance your (no one else’s) options. He will see that as a selfish venture, and expect you to rethink your plan. Hopefully he will also see the irony of it all.
Make a long term plan. If the phd takes that long, he probably should start now, at least part time. Hold off on having your second child for a year or two until you both can save some money that can help float you guys until he is done. Make out new chore charts where he will do 75% and you 25% since you will need to work more. Compromise!!!
Have you guys discussed the financial side? Loans, scholarships, grants, etc. there are so many ways/options to lessen the financial burden to attend school. If he is a professor now, can he get reduced rates by attending his school?
This can’t be a unilateral decision. Don’t ask for something that you aren’t willing to do. Basically if you aren’t willing to wait for the 2nd child, you can’t ask him to wait for his degree. Truthfully if this has been his dream forever, telling him no will only lead to resentment. Resentment to not just you but to the kids as well.
Hell no!!!
Well did you know that once you graduate with your phd, you have to spend several more years as an associate professor making like 60k before you become a professor? And even then, schools are losing funding and have shut down a lot of hiring because of that? And thats in high demand fields. I cant imagine how hard it would be to make tenure in his department.
Research and classes take so much time you will never have him there for anything else. He will be cramming on bdays and researching on christmas. He will be stressed af and you will have to bear the brunt of that. His self care and health will suffer. Your relationship will struggle. Your kids wont see him enough. And then when he graduates he still possibly wont be done with papers and presentations. He will not want to begin the job search process until he is done with those big projects and that could take months. Then once hes finished and starts looking, it could take months or even longer to find such specific work.
Oh and!! When he is looking for work, the chances of finding something in your immediate area will be so slim you should basically bet on having to move. Away from family, your current job, with whatever money you manage to save by then. (I think theres a stipend but dont count on it being generous) So then you will be right back at this point not wanting to uproot your life to go pursue the next stage of his dream, faced with the same guilt you have now over the thought of saying no. But at that point, its a sunk cost situation and you feel even WORSE trying to resist it when he has come so far and you are 100k in debt for the whole point of getting this job. Or he gets a full ride and has spent it all on nothing. And like you said…the degree would not qualify him for much else so all of that strain on your lives would have been for nothing as well.
You are not shutting down his dream by deciding this isnt good for you guys. He is the one shutting down your guys’ need for stability by prioritizing this.