I haven’t spoken to my father since I was 16/17, he wasn’t an awful person, wasn’t abusive or anything like that he was just always very absent. He’s a musician (not in a cool way) and chose to be a weekend father and also chose to work weekends but even when I did see him or spend the weekend at his I was mostly doing the same thing I did at home while he done something else like practice for gigs etc.
the times we actually went out and done stuff together was just going to the cinema, bowling, get food except the one time he took me on holiday with his girlfriend and her family when I was about 15 which was honestly a strange experience I felt like I was being treated like a child during the day and an adult at night. Constantly trying to get me to go in the pool with the other much younger kids and then also being allowed to drink with the adults at night.
Honestly by the time I stopped speaking to him I felt very passive towards him, I had done a lot of thinking and realised he barely tried to be my father, relate to me, know me or see me. Even when he lived literally 2 minutes down the road from my grandmothers house he never made more of an effort and I was there everyday after school. Not once did he ask me to come round for dinner or anything really. The entire time I spoke to him the time I spent with him was always on his terms, he was a musician that always gigged and always liked a drink that’s all I really know about him.
Now that I’m 25 I don’t really think about him but had a few conversations with my mother recently, despite her despising the man for years for how he treated her during their relationship and the passiveness towards his relationship with me she thinks it may be time for me to reach out, she’s gonna 60 this year and he will be 60 in the coming few years, she just doesn’t him to die with me never having given the relationship another chance.
I don’t really know if I will contact but I’d like some outside perspectives.
Comments
First remember he’s a man going through his own life experience, not just your father. Have you ever asked him about his version of the relationship with your mother? or about his life in general? If he was on child support as a musician is it possible he had to work long hours or any gig he could to make ends meet. It sounds like he tried to the right thing and take care of you the best he could if he wasn’t verbally or physically abusive.
I would reach out. It’s better to have done it and find out where it goes than to not do it and God forbid something happen to him then you’ll never know, which could cause regret later on. Also at the end of the day he’s still your pops, a lot of older dads struggle with showing emotion, but I’m sure he still loves you.. Tbh I would just take this post and turn it into a conversation with him
write him a letter of forgiveness and tell him how you would love him in your life