My partner of nearly 13 years left me and my daughter to go to her mums due to mental health issues and to sort them out and get better.
This left me gutted and my daughter feeling abandoned by her.
My partner is better now and is trying to work over her fear of coming back home so doing visits and staying over a few days at a time.
She wants to move back and I’m over the moon obviously.
The problem is my daughter doesn’t want to be left alone with my partner (daughter is 16) and refuses to speak with her.
I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t know how to get my daughter to speak with her and be with her, I know it’s going to take time for her to trust my partner again but I’m stuck for ideas in the meantime.
What would you do?
Comments
not much. I would try to help my daughter overcome the trauma your (slefish) partner caused her. While I appreciate she has her own issues, your daughter is a child and she is the one you should be looking out for.
for her own benefit, and not your partner’s, you might want to get her some psychological support in overcoming her trauma at being abandoned (it’s not what she feels, it’s what happened).
once she is comfortable with it, perhaps explore the possibility of group sessions to work on everyone’s feelings towards each other.
16 year olds do not stop speaking with someone who has raised them since the age of three for no good reason. There seems to be a lot of missing information here.
How long was your partner gone?
Did your partner maintain contact with your daughter while she was away?
In the months leading up to your partner’s departure, how was the relationship between her and your daughter?
Respect your daughters feelings
i feel theres maybe a bit left out of this. did she explain WHY she needed to leave and how it would benefit herself? or was it a big outburst and storm out of the moment? i feel your daughter is putting down boundaries (which shes at an age to do so healthily). also “stuck for ideas” OP talk to your daughter?? hello?? is that not obvious?? ask her whats wrong, and whats the deep rooted issue of why she wont speak to her, remind her whatever she says wont be shared with partner (because it shouldnt be), and then ask what she needs from you to feel comfortable as well
You and your partner should express unconditional love and be very explicit about not forcing your daughter to do anything. You both should tell your daughter plainly that her autonomy will be respected and it’s up to her what happens next. For this to work, you and your partner must remain steadfastly kind and respectful, plus de-escalate any conflict, not engage in argument, not be overbearing, etc. Do this, and in time she will come around.
Your daughter is 16. She’s old enough to make her own decisions about who she wants to spend time with. It’s up to you and your partner to make it work and pre in the effort to repair the relationship. Honestly I’d sit down with your daughter and and and honest adult conversation with her about her feelings and see if you can work through things
Your partner was a big part of your daughter’s life for most of her life then just up and left, that must have been very hard for her.