I have a 4 yo son born in 2021. My MIL was insistent on staying at our home with him after my maternity leave was over and did so until we enrolled him into part-time daycare around 18 months old. It saved us a ton of money (however my husband and I are able to afford childcare and do not necessarily need her to stay with our baby for monetary reasons. A large part of us agreeing to her watching him full-time was to make her happy). She lives a little under an hour away so she did live with us Monday through Friday for 15 months.
Her living with us was tough on me. I am aware that I do need to make sacrifices for my child. But I’m pretty sure I went into full blown depression after a period of time. She is very loving and a good person, however she can be overbearing and dominant. She is used to being the matriarch of the family and being the main caretaker of small children.
I also think she became addicted to my son. There are many examples, but one example I will never forget is that we had a hard time with her putting my son down in his crib for naps. She was holding him for all of his naps even up to 11 months old. Before I went back to work at 3 months, I was starting to transition him to his crib and when she started watching him it blew up. Because of that, he’s always had sleeping issues. There was one day that my DH laid the hammer down and told her that she HAS to put him down for his nap and not hold him. When I came home from work that day, she immediately bursted into tears saying that she missed him so much and how hard it was for her to put him in his crib. I couldn’t believe what I was witnessing in that moment, especially because my DH and I were sleep deprived. My son would wake up throughout the night bc he wanted held and didn’t want to sleep in his crib. Then we would have to wake up for work. It was too much on us.
Also, for personal and selfish reasons, it was just hard to get used to her living in my home. It was a lot on me to come home from work and have to put a smile on my face, cook dinner, and not really be able to unwind. She is naturally a loud and outgoing person and I am the opposite. I tend to lean towards being introverted and enjoy my peace when I can get it. I honestly cannot imagine doing this all over again if I had a second child. If she found out we would hire childcare instead of her she would definitely be heartbroken and I’m sure the relationship would be strained. However I don’t want to not have a second child just because of this reason.
There are many more examples I could give of the overbearing-ness but this post is already too long. It would really help if anyone else out there has gone through a similar situation and how it resulted.
Thank you for taking the time to read this if you made it this far. 🙂
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Let her be “heartbroken”. It did not work this first time around and it’ll be even worse with 2 kids in the house now. Don’t justify or apologize, or even go out of your way to tell her: just simply, it comes up, “oh we’ve already booked baby into the daycare. Thanks anyhow but we’ve got it handled.” If she wants to push, this will work better for your family , having both kids in the set routines and schedules daycare (or whatever you’re doing) offers. She gets heartbroken? Suggest she go collect herself. You owe her nothing, not a say or an apology or an explanation, nor the opportunity to use your baby for emotional support
You have to sacrifice for your children, not for your mother-in-law. She actively went against what was in the best interest of your child and family for her own emotional fulfillment. You allowed her to take up so much space in your home that you couldn’t relax or function as a human being because you were performing for her benefit…
Do you understand boundaries and how to set them? You handed your MIL your child for her fulfillment… how is that sacrificing for your child? You ruined your own mental health in order to do this, don’t you think being the best version of yourself – caring for yourself and being able to show up in that way – would have been more beneficial? Your child needs YOU, not grandma. Childcare workers would have prioritized your child and done the service for your whole family’s benefit.
With your second, dont use MIL. She doesn’t need to move in with you if it’s actively harmful to you.
Don’t let her move in this time. Don’t let her mind the baby for you if you can afford to send them to child care. Why should your home be less of a home to you to please her? She interfered with your parenting and while you may have to put up with a certain amount of that when you rely on family to provide childcare you don’t have to.
She is a grown ass woman. You don’t need to sacrifice your own sanity to protect her precious feelings.
My god. I love my mom to death and I’m 100% done after a week together. I can’t imagine dealing with this for more than a year with someone who I like but am not especially close with and was not abiding by my decisions for my child. No no no.
I judge your husband for even considering this a second time. He should be the one shutting this down.
The second time will be different if you and husband decide it will be different. The two of you need to have a very long and serious conversation where you tell him everything of what you felt and what you are feeling now when you think of having a 2nd child. The two of you need to make a plan of what you will do when it comes to child care and what boundaries you will set with his mother. If you can’t get on the same page, then you absolutely shouldn’t have another child. You have a right to your peace. MIL is using your son as an emotional support animal and that’s not OK.
Note: my husband has been completely supportive of me and I’ve been clear with him how I’ve felt along the way. He is supportive of using child care if we have a 2nd child. I just feel like it will be my fault and I will be the one straining the relationship if we decide that
You cannot change the past, but you can do things differently this time around. You know that her living with you and providing regular childcare is a bad idea, so don’t do it again. You don’t owe your MIL a place in your home or parenting.
Why are you doing the emotional lifting for another woman? She may well be the matriarch in her family, she doesn’t get to be one in your family.
Why are you considering breaking your own heart instead of this silly woman’s heart? For crying out loud, shine that spine! Have as many children as you want and raise them the way YOU and your husband want to.
Are you seriously considering having fewer children than you want or changing the way you want to raise them because this ridiculously over involved MIL might be sad? Who cares?! Stop pandering to the unreasonable desires of others and start making strong choices for YOU!
Don’t do this again. It’s not worth the help you get. They use sleep deprivation as a torture method
The best solution might be for you and your husband to deal with her issues asap or perhaps when you announce the pregnancy.. You might approach it along these lines:
We have been talking about the first X months with LO. It was generous of you to offer to help and that did save us a lot of money. However, having another adult stay with us who had such different expectations made the situation unnecessarily difficult. We’ve been talking about having a second child and wanted you to understand what to expect. Your involvement will be much different than with LO. You won’t be moving in and we will be hiring someone for childcare. This will cut out much of the conflicts we dealt with over LO. We understand that this might not be what you want. However, this isn’t something that we need to discuss as this is exactly what we’ll be doing.”
What does your husband think? Have you told him your concerns and reluctance about having another baby?
I think he is the one to have the talk with his mother and leave you out of it. If he tells her the reasons for not wanting her to watch baby, she will argue and promise not to do what she did before. Do not fall for it. She will do exactly what she wants to do.
This time I would just tell her that the contact naps with your first LO caused major issues so with this baby, you have decided you don’t require help and plan to manage your family independently. If she pushes, just keep saying no. How she was acting with YOUR child was NOT normal
Your MIL as childcare is way, way too expensive.
Mental health and privacy are nothing compared to money.
Tell her you are not considering having a second child until this one reaches 5yo+
Seriously consider adopting an older child. With the right background and circumstance, you will be able to do the world, and your sleep, a service.
You’ve got two choices – cater to mil’s feelings or support your and by extension your nuclear family’s mental health. She’s going to be hurt. Or you will. Choose yourself.
MIL got what she wanted last time, the next time it is your turn to get what you want. You aren’t the one causing problems.
(She didn’t really deserve that first ‘turn’.)
Your relationship was strained with your first baby. Why should her feelings be more important than yours, your husband’s and your children’s? Tell her you’re hiring child care and you would love for her to help out here and there for date nights or appointments or whatever. (If you want to).
She messed with your child’s sleep, consequently messing with everyone’s sleep for months. It will be so much easier to pay someone who will listen to what you want. My mom also liked to hold my babies when they slept and it really was easier when I was there to wrangle the situation.
Has your husband been talking about having another child? Does he know how you felt about his mother staying with you last time? If you are having discussions about having another child then these are things that need to be settled. Mil doesn’t get to come and stay because of how she acted last time. Hire help.
Unfortunately I think you have to bite the bullet and let her feelings be hurt. You gotta put your family first. She’s an adult and needs to take care of her own emotions.
The next time you are pregnant, have a talk with your mother-in-law. Your husband needs to lead the conversation. You need to say thank you so much for all your help with baby number one. We are so appreciative and you were so generous but with baby number two, we want to prove to ourselves That we don’t need to live in help. We are going to hire childcare that is willing to do things the way we want and we are going to be much more hands-on ourselves. This is very important to us as a couple. We also think this will be great because you will get to be a grandma and not a nanny. We really appreciate you and love you, but this is important to us. Do not let her challenge this. Your mental health and well-being is extremely important to your entire immediate family. Your husband needs to prove that he is on your side. Don’t have all the children that you desire because somebody is manipulating you.
It took me ten years to have my second and last. 96% of the reason I took so long was bc I was dreading dealing with them again. The difference is I dont find any good in my ILs. I think I legitimately hate them tbh. After the fallout while I was pregnant, from more of their bs, today is the first day theyve met my 14 month old. And im insanely resentful rn that ive even exposed her and my 11 year old to them again.
This is not to say youll have the same result or to scare you because as you noted, yours is kind albeit overbearing and doesnt listen.
Tell her no.
I went through exactly this (not live in, but 2-3 times a week for 5 months) and we had to put a stop to it before baby was 1, because honestly she was obsessed and believed she was third parent. We were paying her for childcare as well and just said it’s not working, we want you to be grandma not nanny, it will be batter for all of us and that’s what we did. She was heartbroken and as a hardcore narc/ mommy cosplayer she could not fathom why. We had baby 2 ten months ago and have the same nanny. Relationship with mil is strained but not as stressful bc direct access was removed by putting on our big girl/ boy pants and getting on with it. Conversation(s) were awkward AF but honestly, who cares?! Your sanity is worth it.
I’m not sure of your maternity laws in your country but If you’re planning for a second can you save up enough to take a year or two off work with the second?
It sounds like you need to set down some firm boundaries. Honestly, from the sound of this situation it’s on all of you. I have a feeling she’s dealing with some empty nest issues and is lonely. She probably sees this as her helping you, but it’s creating more problems and you’re too worried about talking openly and creating a “strained” relationship. It’s already a strained relationship bc of your quiet resentment. This is only going to fester. I’m a bit blunt so I want to be clear that I’m not bashing on either of you. I get that these situations are awkward. Also, this convo should be on your husband. It’s his mother and he needs to be the one to set the boundary. Y’all should have done it a lot sooner.
Now, are you thinking about having a second child and this is a con or are you just venting and saying “yeah this sucked and I really wouldn’t want to do it again”. If you’re seriously thinking about it, and you have the resources to hire childcare, I wouldn’t worry too much about it in the future tense. What I would worry about is the resentment you harbor for your MIL. You need to decide how you can get closure. Will having a conversation and telling her how you feel make you feel like things are more resolved? If not, then you have to let it go to an extent and just keep it in mind when planning for the future. Keep the boundary firm. If she tries to talk to you about it, just say that this arrangement works better for everyone involved but you’d still love for them to hang out. For instance maybe she could take grandkid(s) out on excursions, have sleepovers at her house, etc. This does depend on how she reacts to the new situation. Obviously if she’s combative towards this you’ll need to respond appropriately whether that’s goes LC or NC depending on her behavior. You said in your post she’s a good and loving person so I hope that won’t be the case. It’s just not working for you having her in your house for prolonged periods and that’s okay. Some people just don’t mesh and it would be really stressful not to be able to unwind in your own home on top of having a newborn. MIL could surely benefit from some therapy, hobbies and friends. However, this isn’t a post from her so any advice to her is really irrelevant, which is why I’ve focused only on you. Just want to be clear I’m not singling you out or saying you’re the problem but it’s you who made the post. Be more firm about your boundaries in the future. You said she’s used to being the matriarch. Does she try to override your decisions when it comes to parenting? I know you said she cried about having to put him in his crib but I mean more like is she combative or competive with you? That’s something you can calmly try to diffuse. Something like “I appreciate your input but this is works best for us”. This way you’re not saying what she’s doing was wrong but that it just doesn’t work for you personally. It can feel like an attack when motherhood is your entire identity, which the older generation got pigeonholed into. If she’s doing something flat out wrong and gets a bit defensive about it you can say something like how they’ve recently done studies or some shit. Or you can just not engage. If she gets a lot defensive and it’s not just her being a touch insecure at feeling her parenting is being called into question (if it’s something she would have done with her kids) then you put your foot down and tell her the convo is over.
Don’t let someone else’s behavior suck your joy. If you want another kid, do it for yourself and your partner and bc it’s the right decision for your family. But don’t put it off the table just bc you don’t want to hurt MILs feelings and have an awkward conversation (which again, your husband needs to be the one to do this as it’s his mother and it wouldn’t be fair of him to put that on you and your relationship with MIL). I wish you all the best and hope you and your little family are doing great now that you’ve got your house back to yourselves