I’ve been noticing some really concerning behavior from my 12-year-old male cousin whenever my 8-year-old niece is around, and I need some outside perspective.
Whenever she visits, he seems overly excited—almost infatuated. He doesn’t act like he’s just playing with her to keep her entertained; it’s like he’s obsessed. He avoids hanging out with kids closer to his age (we have a 10, 15, and 16 y/o around) and only sticks with her. During group activities, he’s the last one to come out and ends up going off alone with her.
More than once, we’ve heard her saying things like “ow,” “stop,” or “I don’t like it” while they’re playing. We’ve had to step in and tell him to stop whatever he was doing. He once dragged her across the street for a “game” without asking anyone. Another time, he recorded her doing gymnastics without permission.
He also has a long history of being defiant, thinking he’s always right, and getting angry when others don’t agree with him. He recently lost my speaker down the sewer and didn’t really take responsibility.
Honestly, I don’t trust him alone with her. I trust our 10-year-old nephew more than him. But most adults in the family give him the benefit of the doubt “because he’s just 12.”
Am I crazy for thinking this isn’t just innocent? What’s the best way to handle this or talk to the adults about it?
Any insight would help.
Comments
Trust your gut, always. Ensuring he is never alone with her is wise.
Maybe its totally innocent. But better to protect them both, just in case.
This isn’t “just kids messing around,” it’s a red flag. The girl says “stop” that’s enough. Keep them supervised and raise the alarm.
You are right that something doesn’t seem right about this. If the adults won’t do anything, be the annoying family member who follows them and is just conveniently in the middle of their business whenever you can be. What about her mother? That’s the person I would talk to about it. Tell her something doesn’t feel right about it and that it bothers you. If mom isn’t paying attention, the best thing you can do is to run interference when you can.
Kids have boundaries too. When the girl says stop then that’s a boundary that should be respected, protected, and encouraged. Have her grow up knowing her boundaries are valid.
trust your gut
if she says stop once she probably doesnt like what he does most of the time.
Keep in mind that a lot of adults…particularly in rural areas…are still in the 80’s mindset of “stranger danger.” People are generally VERY slow to process when there’s a potential issue with a family member.
“But most adults in the family give him the benefit of the doubt “because he’s just 12.” “
By the time he’s 12, he should have developed the ability to process what “no” and “stop” means. Maybe not necessarily WHY a particular action is problematic, but just the fact that he’s being told to stop doing something. The fact that he seems to have zero impulse control and accept boundaries is extremely problematic.
This sounds like the kind of kid that…sooner or later…is going to inappropriately touch someone (I.e. Sleepover) and everyone else in the family is going to be all shocked and act like there were no warning signs.
> But most adults in the family give him the benefit of the doubt “because he’s just 12.”
I’d suggest talking about this with one of the adults who doesn’t think that way.
Yeah, it sounds like he’s working up to molesting her at some point. He should not be left alone with her.
You mention having to intervene when overhearing her say stop. Have you ever taken her aside to ask her how she feels about him? Is she comfortable around him? Does she feel obligated to be around him? She’s 8 & that’s old enough to express herself. God knows my 8 year old already has opinions on who he spends his time with.
Even if she’s okay with it, I would still trust your gut and do what you need to ensure that they’re never alone unsupervised.
It’s also a good time (even if you already have) to talk to her about boundaries and bodily autonomy.
Your daughter is being abused in someway by the fact that she’s always asking him to stop what he’s doing whether it’s sexual or not it is abusive behavior. And it is enabled by everyone in your family.
It is the enabling behavior that has given us the Epstein files. It is the enabling behavior that allows men to do whatever the F they want. Everyone in your family is responsible for that 12-year-olds problems.
And that 12-year-old may very likely be the victim of abuse himself
Never leave any of your kids along with anyone in your family
Gross. Not normal. Keep her safe
Unfortunately, it sounds like he’s either going to molest her or has already started. All the pieces are there, including the power dynamic of the age difference. Also unfortunately, the girl’s parents are unlikely to take your concerns seriously, as it sounds like they view him as a harmless child, which he is not. My advice is to address this with her parents privately, perhaps over the phone, at a separate time from any family gatherings. Explain what you’ve observed and that you are worried about the power difference of the age gap and unsupervised time alone.
Be prepared for them to be angry and defensive. And be prepared for the situation to not change at all. And then just leave it at that. Best of luck.
Have you talked with your sister about your niece yet to make sure he hasn’t touched her inappropriately yet? If he hasn’t just make it clear that she needs to tell her mom
and let her no its not ok be touched in private places and don’t let her go off with him alone
Is it possible he’s autistic, either diagnosed or undiagnosed? Obviously I don’t know him or the family, but what you’re describing could be a fit, especially if the family is unfamiliar with autism and unfamiliar with the different ways it can present.
Aside from the immediate danger that the 12 year old poses, what’s going on now teaches the 8 year old that her body is accessible to others and that her wishes don’t matter. Her family is teaching her that boys are allowed to bother and upset girls.
Please intervene. Eg
Edited to add, here are scripts for the other adults:
Beat his ass
If it were ok, you wouldn’t feel this way.
Trust but verify.
She’s 8 and old enough to communicate if you ask the right questions. See what she thinks.
I would be more focused on the adults around your Niece. 12yr olds being overly protective…protective from what is what you should be asking, the rest is just sibling antagonistic behavior which is very common at that age, its mixed in the this protective behavior but it might be 2 different reasons, antagonistic because th a ts the age, and protective…protective from what?
Tbh he needs educating before he does something he can’t go back from just as much as she needs protecting. It’s your number one job as a parent to protect your kids. Get that sorted straight away. I know it might feel awkward but I really wouldn’t care what people thought. My number one job is to protect my daughter. Sorry if that’s awks. Good luck!
you guys have still been letting him near her? stop that immediately. don’t let her be abused please she’s only 8 oh my god
My gut instinct is saying this boy is doing things he shouldn’t be doing “to” her. Her parents need to speak to her and see what is going on when he has her alone. I’m just getting a really weird vibe from the things you have just told us. I feel like you have every right to be concerned. Please update us.
A 12 year old boy sexually molested my 3yo daughter. Don’t trust him, and don’t ever give him another chance to be alone with her.
This 12yo was super manipulative and denies it to this day but there were witnesses who saw what he did. There is something incredibly ‘off’ about him. He is now late 20scand gives me the absolute creeps.
It sounds like you have a similar personality to deal with. DONT TRUST HIM.
She is a little girl at age 8. Make up an arbitrary rule for him to follow, such as 8 year olds need to ask permission from the parents before going across the street. This way the 12 year old boy will know that there are people aware of where she is and who she is with. Personally, i don’t think an adult should leave that little girls side blah en near the 12 year old cousin that just doesn’t feel right.
Sounds like a massive creep
Very alarming. She says no and he doesn’t listen. He is being abusive whatever age he is. Raise alarms.
Having a boy only 1 year older SA me as a child, yeah, this is NOT okay.
EDIT: I was 6
This kid is giving weird, when I was 12 I remember only being obsessed and hanging out with the girls who were 14-15-16, Oh and did I mention girls who weren’t at all related to me.
Keep supervision over their interactions before it turns svu
Or just be straight up and say “she is not your girlfriend, she’s your niece. You always being up under her is giving ped”
Yeah, he’s just 12, but SHE’S just 8 and he’s ignoring her verbal requests to stop what he’s doing. I have a 12 yr old myself and they are very able to understand consent even much younger than this. This is not ok, this isn’t cute or age related.
Do you have a relationship with that aunt or uncle to be a voice of concern?
I think it’s obvious he likes her, as in a crush, but the behavior is something to be concerned about.
How’s your sister’s reaction to this?
Hmmm, based on what you’ve said I would be concerned. I don’t think it is too unusual for a 12 year old boy to be protective of his 8 year old niece/sister, but what you’ve described seems to be more than him being protective. It seems like he is being forceful and feels like he owns her.
My suggestion would be to talk with the other kids about it. Especially the 15 and 16 year old, tell them to keep an eye on the 12 year old boy and to protect the girl if needed. Kids often react to pressure from other kids a lot better than pressure from adults. If things do not get better then you may need to stop him from being around her and get him professional help.