One of my lifelong friends is going to marry his fiancée next year. I’ve known this friend since kindergarten, and now we’re almost 30. He’s a genuinely sweet guy, very funny, good looking, the complete package. I know I’m biased because he’s my dear friend, but he really is a good dude, and deserves the best. Whenever she’s around in social settings, he can’t get a word in, she berates him in front of all of us constantly, and if he says literally anything in return to defend himself, she actually starts sobbing hysterically. She becomes completely inconsolable and then it’s his job to get her to stop crying. I can tell he’s humiliated when it happens.
The woman he’s currently engaged to is genuinely insufferable, a miserable human being. She makes everything about herself, has no etiquette in social settings (asks personally invasive questions, is downright rude, talks over people), and just time and time again has proven that she’s not a nice person. My other friends and I have all shared the same sentiment, privately amongst each other, that we think she’s simply the worst. Not as a matter of gossip, truly, but as in “how do we get our dear friend out of this?” Literally our entire friend group (~10 people) hates this girl, and the two of them don’t have the first clue. We love him, we hate her. For reference, my whole friend group (including him) is full of lifelong friends, she came around only about 2 years ago.
On one hand it’s none of my business. He’s a grown man and can make these decisions for himself. But on the other hand, he’s my dear friend and I’d hate to watch him marry someone that already makes his life miserable.
What can I do to help my friend, if anything? Any advice is sincerely appreciated.
Comments
Tell him how you all feel. It is his relationship and he will ultimately do what he wants.
You don’t need to be subtle – be brutal.
I had a friend in a similar situation, and we all begged him not to marry her. The best man even pleaded with him on the actual stag do AND the day before the wedding but our friend went ahead and married her anyway. They divorced within a year.
You friend doesn’t have to listen, but you’ll likely hate yourself if you don’t try.
Get your friend alone. Tell him you are afraid he’s being preyed on by a manipulative, emotionally abusive person.
Go to your local domestic violence center. Get information from them on healthy relationships and traits of abusive partners. Use this during your talk.
That is about all you can do. We all wish we could throw our friends over our shoulders and carry our friends away from abusive partners,. Just be a supportive friend and help him when it is tim to leave and get away.
Sounds like he is well aware of her insufferability, you need to ask him why he is willing to accept that for the rest of his life. Be straight with him, tell him you are concerned, talk it out, that’s what good friends would do.
With a group
She sounds like a classic Narc, maybe you need a group intervention??
Because he probably won’t listen to just you, Narcs are classic manipulators I’ve been dealing with one all my life and as much as I’ve tried to go NC I keep getting pulled back in. Good luck.
I have been in your shoes twice with different friends. Both times I waited for one their girlfriend’s epic fits and both times I looked my friends square in the eyes and said “You deserve so much better than this, Do Not Marry Her.”
One friend did end up breaking off the engagement and later married his wonderful wife and the other married the nightmare and ended up hung for alimony and child support not very long into the marriage.
The trick is to open their eyes when the problem is right in front of them… say less but say something.
You don’t. I mean, do what you want, but ask yourself how you’d expect it to go. I put up with my friend’s nasty bitch of a wife for 10 years. My prize? We remained friends when he finally dumped her. Because I kept my mouth shut. Just ride it out. If she’s that bad, he will eventually lose tolerance for her.
My best friend told me that about my wife 20 years ago. Still married, he’s gone.
Just tell him she’s means and treats him like shit and if he’s sure he wants to marry her. Now be ready for him to tell her and she might tell him yall can’t be friends anymore
Fuck all these nosy people. Mind your own business. 95% chance he gets defensive, and he probably won’t listen to you even if he doesn’t.
Be the best friend you can. If he asks for your opinion, be honest. Life is long. Maybe this will work itself out, and maybe it won’t, but it’s not your job to fix.
I wonder if approaching it “delicately” could look something like asking him if he’s noticed these things, and how he feels about them.
“Have you noticed [Name] talks over people a lot? Does she do that to you at home? That would make me feel pretty disrespected.”
If he hasn’t “noticed” yet because she’s sexy or good on bed or whatever, he may start really noticing now.
Personally, I think saying something like “your fiancee sucks” will only make him push YOU away, and push him closer to her.
OP, Please approach this with compassion.
Something along these lines
..
Hey, wanted to check in with you. Are you doing okay? I ask because I’ve noticed that Fiance can be pretty hard on you in front of us. So i was worried about you, and hope things dont escalate beyond what we have seen behind closed doors.
Let him do the talking. Be there for him. Let him know he is loved and valuable. Saying “we all hate your fiance” will make him fee judged andl alienated … the last thing he needs in his situation. People in this situation need to see a way forward. Not feel like everyone thinks they are an idiot or something.
Be compassionate and supportive.
I think as a friend, you get to say this once, and then you have to back off and let him make his choices.
Be straight up, and do it in a time and space where you have some time to talk. I suggest a structure something like:
As a side note, if you have other close friends who are also anti-fiancee, it might help to coordinate with a few people to bring up issues with her over the course of a few weeks or months independently of each other… that way it isnt a big attack but rather a steady stream of friends bringing this up
I dealt with this, with my best childhood friend.
I told him.
He basically dumped me as a friend, and I was uninvited from being IN the wedding and the wedding itself.
Then his fiancee is the one who got him to invite me to the wedding again. (to her credit).
They were divorced maybe a year later, because she just “couldn’t stop thinking about her ex” (who abused her).
then he went on tinder, and I warned him to keep it slow and casual and just learn to be single and course correct.
But – the first date he went on, they were celebrating their 1 month anniversary a month after that.
He is married to her now and has a child, he has excommunicated his entire family and 90% of his friends, moved several states away to take a job in prep to move to the Philippines to be with her family.
I feel like I don’t even know the person he became. It was CRAZY.
Some people can’t be helped, even from themselves.
Ur right he is a grown man and if he is marrying her then he is aware of how she is…it is unlikely u will change his mind
You dont
Whatever you do, emphasize that you’re always there for him.
Personally, I’d also say you bring it up one time, lay it all out on the table, and then never talk about it again unless your friend raises the discussion.
Leave a note under the toilet seat that says, “ hey man I’m sorry, she told me that she was single,” and leave a condom wrapper on the floor next to the bathroom trash along with a used condom in the trash. When he calls you all upset about this voice your concerns then.
I’d suggest you don’t marry this woman. She doesn’t seem right for you. Oh wait, he is marrying her. You don’t really have a say here as it really is none of your business.
Set up a private time for you and your friend to meet/talk. Tell him how you feel that she is not right for him and list 3-5 reasons why. Try to list facts or events youve witnessed not why everybody hates her. Share your concern that he doesnt seem happy and that you care for him and his future. Tell him that you support him no matter what he decides. And thats it- he is an adult and will live with the consequences. You can only do what you can.
I had a close friend getting married and I couldnt stand her fiance cause he was overly emotional, had anger issues (would punch and kick doors/walls etc) and they were from very different backgrounds. I met up with my friend and told her I was very scared for her safety and didnt think this man was right for her. I also followed up what I said face to face in a handwritten letter. She married him anyway. They ended up getting divorced and one of their key issues was she didnt feel safe because of his violence/intimidation tactics.
After the divorce was final my friend said she couldnt believe no one warned her off this man. Many of my friends family members had talked to her to tell her not to marry him. And I know several of her friends including me did the same. She was in love so tuned out everyone in her life who was telling her to run. Some people just have to learn the hard way. OP your friend may be like my friend but at least you know you tried. Good luck.
Not sure how you’re gonna justify letting him date her for 2 YEARS, but y’all need to grow a pair and tell him. Christ, it’s not that hard to adult ffs
Do you think he doesn’t already know?
You can’t stop someone from making what you consider a mistake. You giving him your opinion on his fiancée isn’t going to shatter some illusion that he has that she’s not a nightmare. He sees all of the behavior that you do and then some.
If you tell him not to marry her, the relationship that will likely be damaged is yours. If you tell him as a group, he will feel ganged up on. You can’t control his life choices.
Women can be abusive in relationships just like men and it kind of sounds like that’s where your friend is. It feels straightforward talking about red flags to a female friend but you guys need to do the same with your male friends.
Come at it from a stance of being concerned about him. Help him verbalize any concerns he may have in a safe and supportive conversation. Let him lead the conversation but keep the prompts about him and his well-being, not how much you dislike her.
I think this is one of those things where you have to just let it work itself out…he could end up blaming you later if he isn’t happy with the outcome.
You can’t. It’ll ruin the friendship. Always does.
Keep you mouth shut, and stand by to be supportive when needed.
Your entire friend group should stage an intervention…
I dated someone like this….. unfortunately no one would even dare talk to me about it on the off chance they would get cut out of our life if I addressed it with her and didn’t dare to walk away myself. Stepping in and directly addressing the issue does make the situation more explosive, but isn’t that the point? You want it to explode and end so that the healing can begin. And if it doesn’t explode and just heals, that’s even better.
you stay the fuck out of it wtf
“I was already very concerned with how she treated you, but I stayed silent and now the relationship is escalating. I feel like you deserve someone who makes you feel like the best version of yourself and you make her do the same. If this is her best, get off the relationship escalator. If you ever need help, I’m here for you.”
You can mention it in private once, then let it go. Any more than that will be seen as meddling, will make you seem intrusive, and could put a quick end to your friendship.
You can only take him aside and talk to him; keeping in mind that you may lose your friendship if things don’t workout. Irrelevant if you find his girlfriend insufferable he loves her! Think if that was you and a group of 10 or more people were talking behind your back about your partner? Because you and others don’t like her doesn’t mean to say he should stop seeing her. As much as you care for your friend it’s none of your business who he dates or falls in love with. Understand that as good intentions you have it maybe best to leave well alone.
You don’t
Either he feels trapped and feels like he has to marry her or he’s turned on by her crass behavior. Tread carefully when you initiate this conversation. Good luck to you.
bro if you know he knows lol
he’s just trying not to see
You know all who dislike her will be put to the side as she isolates him after marriage
She sounds like a narcissist – no cure for that – yes tell him your concerns as you will lose him as a friend anyway she will make sure of that – then he can never say you didnt say anything
Is your friends parent’s alcoholics by chance? He sounds super co-dependent.
It’s definitely tricky because what’s obvious to you, isn’t to him for some reason. But in my opinion, it may be safest to be supportive and let him know that you guys have his back no matter what.
2yrs isn’t too long yet, and when things are still
this fresh, she can get a whiff of what you guys are thinking and her first goal would be to isolate him from you. All my friends were against the person I married and they said they’d drive me home even at the wedding if I wanted to ditch it. I didn’t have the courage at the time.
You can be there for him now, and you can be there for him when he needs to vent, or if he gets divorced. Just hold space for him to do whatever he needs to do. If she’s pressuring him to get married which is possible, that’s already something over his head. Then you guys pressuring him to do the opposite can throw him off. You don’t want him distancing himself from you.
You can’t force someone to have a revelation like that- believe me, I’ve tried. You can tell him your concerns but chances are this is something he’ll have to figure out on his own. That’s just how abusive relationships tend to go. The most we can do in these situations is support our homies while they sort their shit out and give them the confidence to free themselves once they do
In my experience, no matter how badly the partner sucks, no one wants to hear that their partner sucks. Even when THEY already know their partner sucks!! It often turns into a “shoot the messenger” “us against the world” situation. If do you explicitly talk to him, try to be emotionally prepared for your friendship to change drastically or possibly end.
In these situations, my tactic is to ask leading questions when they bring things up that partner has said or done etc, like how therapists will try to get you to your own solution/course of action instead of just telling you what they think you should do.
I lost a friend over this shit. I now say nothing and plan how to avoid the couple at social occasions.
Best wishes and see ya later is my mantra.
This might be an unpopular opinion, but sometimes people just aren’t in a position to listen to the advice you give them.
9 times out of 10 if I tell someone “hey, this person is treating you like garbage, I think you should break up” they stay with that person, because the still have on the rose colored goggles. They truly believe they’re a good person capable of change.
If you tell your friend that everyone hates her, he’s likely going to distance himself from you. I think it’s better to let him make his own choices, and be around to help him with the aftermath. You’ll be a better friend for supporting him through the divorce than trashing the woman he loves to his face. Besides, once you start criticizing his romantic partners, that opens it up for him to criticize yours, and it’ll likely sour the friendship.