I (19F) moved in with my friend (18F) a little over a week ago. I’m aware of the classic advice about avoiding living with friends, but it was difficult finding another girl to room with me on short notice.
Anyway, on the day she moved in, she had just flown in from Europe so she understandably was pretty jet lagged and had a messy sleep schedule. However, even after a whole week has passed, none of this has improved. She would stay up most of the night, go to class, and then sleep for what is basically most of the afternoon and evening before waking up in the middle of the night.
Here comes the main issue: a lot of the times when I asked her to do something (often urgent or time sensitive tasks such as ordering groceries before closing time, paying rent .etc), she would go to sleep and it was basically impossible to wake her up no matter how much I tried.
The breaking point came yesterday when she made a huge mess in the kitchen while cooking her dinner, leaving dirty dishes everywhere and food out in the open. For context, I had an apartment somewhere else before moving here, so all of this kitchenware is mine. I had already told her that I was fine with her using my things as long as she cleaned it as soon as as possible. Even though she promised that she would wash everything, I found her asleep just 5 minutes later and the mess wasn’t dealt with until she woke up in 6 hours.
Another issue with her sleep schedule is that she would be up super early and make fruit juices with my very loud food processor. At first it started at 10am, and while I would like to have slept in until a little later, I didn’t really say much since it wasn’t an unreasonable time. However, her juice making started getting earlier and earlier until I got woken up at 7am today. She was also using the electric drill at 3am earlier which I was fine with since I wasn’t asleep then, but being woken up just 4 hours later has seriously affected my sleep. I’ve also told her about the fact that I keep getting waken up by the food processor and she has made some efforts such as trying to move it as far as possible from my room, but it’s still not enough.
Update from deleted post: A few hours ago I talked to her about these issues and made a shared document outlining certain rules and boundaries we should follow. She apologized and seemed sincere about fixing these issues, but less than half an hour later she once again falls asleep without cleaning my pan and utensils that she used to cook.
Comments
This is not jet lag this is chaos wearing pajamas. Set firm boundaries now or watch your friendship and peace go down with the dirty dishes.
7am is not early. I wake up at 430 am every day and have to cook breakfast and get ready. I do my absolute best to not wake my family, but it happens.
For most adults, 7am is sleeping in late.
It seams wild to me to get upset at someone for making juice at 7am, it’s a totally normal time.
Clearly the dishes part is not OK. They should not expect you to not be able to cook for 6 hours.
It’s also possible your roommate is going through something and this is how it is manifesting.
If it is just sleep issues, Melatonin gummies days one. Tylenol back pain night time day 2, repeat,will go a long way to helping her fix her sleep.
There is an artist named Jason Stevenson who makes deep sleep sleep tracks on Spotify that could also be a big help for her.
Since it seems like she is open to changing her habits and has made strides to change previously, have you or her discussed the possibly of her sleep schedule/issues stemming from a medical issue? If not, id bring it up just to be sure.
Whatever the reason, she still needs to start taking your boundaries more seriously and be considerate of your things/time
You’ve been way more patient than most people would. Sleep habits are hard to fix, but she’s not even trying. You gave her a shot with the shared doc and she ignored it 30 minutes later. I’d give her a deadline to clean up her act or start looking for a new roommate
She may have an Iron deficiency or too much Iron. Causes these behaviours.
7am is pretty much normal time to get up tbf
I think it’s worth taking a moment to have a real conversation. Discuss everyday tasks – cleaning, paying bills, communicating. Tell her that it’s hard for you to do everything on your own, and that it’s important to work as a team. 🧘♀️
i think your perspective is totally valid and ur reaction understandable. she’s your friend yes, but now you have another relationship as a roommate from which your boundaries are being stepped on.
Some advice, from someone who’s had roommates before:
I did comment this, but if she is borrowing YOUR dishes and leaving them dirty, with no improvement, she is abusing a privilege you gave her. so take it away. paper plates and plastic utensils work just as well.
Someone using the blender before 9am is just a dick move. hopefully a friendly text might help there. However, drilling at 3am probably violates your apartment complex’s quiet hours/noise levels at night. I don’t vaccuum, play loud music, even hammer or drill after 10pm because it can get you reported for a noise complaint. id suggest warning her of that before you actually do get reported.
maybe you split groceries or things like cleaning items, but if shes not being responsible then you need to buy those things for yourself. when she gets it together she can provide for herself.
Finally, some people here are giving YOU advice for her problems. whatever she has going on is not your responsibility to fix, because it sounds like you already have a lot on your plate. suggestions and advice will help her if SHE is the one asking. you are being very patient and accommodating already.
hold out for yourself and the situation. you need to be firm with boundaries and thats hard with a friend. but in the end its better for you, her, and your friendship.