I’ve been seeing someone for over a year. We started out as friends while both going through divorces and built something slowly—emotionally supportive, warm, and at times deeply intimate. There were moments where I felt so chosen. He told me he had feelings, he cried in my arms, he introduced me to his family, he held me during some anxious moments and I held space for his healing—his trauma bond to a toxic ex-wife, his fear of intimacy, his emotional shutdowns. I never expected perfection, just effort and presence.
But it’s like every time we get close, he pulls back. There’s this pattern: we connect, we feel light and close… and then he gets in his head, withdraws, and becomes distant again. It’s emotional whiplash. I’ve tried to gently talk to him about it, to show I’m here—but not at the cost of losing myself.
Recently, we had a weekend together that lacked physical intimacy and presence. I expressed I was hurt, not because I expect sex, but because I felt unwanted and unseen. He apologized, said he was tired, in his head, and “processing.” Then he hit me with: “I can’t manufacture feelings.” Which… felt like a gut punch, because he’s had feelings. He’s expressed them. Now, suddenly, they’re unclear?
When I told him I felt like I didn’t matter, his response was, “I’m concerned this relationship is hurting you.” And I get it—he’s still healing. But I’m not asking for fixed. I’m asking for real. For honesty. For effort. For clarity. For not being the only one trying.
He’s said things like, “I don’t know what I want,” and “I’m coasting through life.” But he also says he cares, he loves me, he just doesn’t know if those feelings will deepen once he’s healed.
So what am I supposed to do? Wait around hoping that one day he’ll wake up and fully choose me?
I’ve given softness. I’ve stepped back. I’ve tried space. I’ve tried staying. I’ve tried talking. And now I’m just tired. I don’t want to beg for the bare minimum.
Anyone else ever been in a relationship with someone still healing from a trauma bond? How do you not lose yourself in the process? When things are good they are soooo good. It’s everything I’ve wanted but then it’s like he can’t let the happiness stay? Not sure how to proceed.
TL;DR I (32f) am in a slow burn relationship with my (39m) partner who is healing from a trauma bond and trying to navigate the ups and downs.
Comments
It sounds like he just needed a friend and wanted a happy ever after, but that you aren’t it, I’m sorry to say but equally I don’t think this man is enough for you, who needs hit and cold
i’m kind of in your partner’s shoes rn, and i wouldn’t want to date me. if he isn’t ready for a relationship (which it sounds like is the case) then no amount of trying will fix that – rather, it’ll just end up hurting you. protect and take care of yourself.
What do you do? You stop talking to him. He is telling you he doesn’t care enough and doesn’t know if that will change… what other evidence do you need? Move on.
He says he’s trauma bonded to his toxic wife? How are you so sure he’s not the toxic one? From the behaviour you described he sounds like he’s the one that is toxic with little empathy and integrity. Relationships are not supposed to be thos hard especially this early.
He’s coasting through life and using you to pass time and make his ex jealous.