PLEASE help me and my wife out by letting us know who is the a-hole here:
My wife and I have two boys and are pregnant with our third boy. My wife’s brother and his wife (Let’s call them Jack and Jill) have a boy as well. After we announced to the family that we were expecting, the two sister-in-laws asked my wife if we had a name in mind via text message.
This is where things get weird IMO. My wife was like “Yes! We’re thinking of naming him Owen” (Not real name but let’s say it is for this sake). My wife went on to say “Jill, don’t kill us because I know this might add some confusion for y’all!”. Neither sister-in-law replied.
THE REASON it might cause confusion is because on Jill’s side of the family (Unrelated to us), they have a nephew named Owen. Note, we have never met this kid, and our families don’t cross paths like that.
Jack and Jill are upset and went to my wife’s parents before talking to us, telling my wife’s parents that they are annoyed and don’t want us to name our son Owen because in their mind, “There’s only one Owen in their lives. It would cause confusion for their 1 year old son having two Owen cousins, etc”. We heard from my wife’s mom that Jill was going to talk to my wife and discuss this.
Me, being the husband, figured I would just call Jack (my wife’s brother) and nip this in the bud. Especially cause my wife was super stressed/discouraged that the name was already causing tension. He couldn’t talk until that night so I just sent him this text:
- “No worries. While [my wife] was working out, I just wanted to nip this name thing in the bud. We love you guys, I dont want the drama. But in no way do you guys have a say in what we name our child. A little pissed that I even have to say that out loud.
- [My wife] was super excited to announce the baby and the name. And now she’s stressed and there’s unnecessary tension. [my wife] shouldn’t have to justify/defend naming her own child. I know they’re gonna have a call but there isn’t room for discussion on it. If we want to name our child whatever name, it’s ours to make. I hate to add to the tension but you guys put us in this situation and it really sucks.”
Well that sent off an explosion. They’re super hurt by the text, saying how agressive I was. I have already apologized to them for the text and said “I was just trying to set a boundary, but probably took it too far”, etc. Also, since then, we have been trying to set up a call with them to get past this tension/drama but haven’t had any luck.
UPDATE: Would like to know: WIBTA if we end up naming our son “Owen”
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PLEASE help me and my wife out by letting us know who is the a-hole here:
My wife and I have two boys and are pregnant with our third boy. My wife’s brother and his wife (Let’s call them Jack and Jill) have a boy as well. After we announced to the family that we were expecting, the two sister-in-laws asked my wife if we had a name in mind via text message.
This is where things get weird IMO. My wife was like “Yes! We’re thinking of naming him Owen” (Not real name but let’s say it is for this sake). My wife went on to say “Jill, don’t kill us because I know this might add some confusion for y’all!”. Neither sister-in-law replied.
THE REASON it might cause confusion is because on Jill’s side of the family (Unrelated to us), they have a nephew named Owen. Note, we have never met this kid, and our families don’t cross paths like that.
Jack and Jill are upset and went to my wife’s parents before talking to us, telling my wife’s parents that they are annoyed and don’t want us to name our son Owen because in their mind, “There’s only one Owen in their lives. It would cause confusion for their 1 year old son having two Owen cousins, etc”. We heard from my wife’s mom that Jill was going to talk to my wife and discuss this.
Me, being the husband, figured I would just call Jack (my wife’s brother) and nip this in the bud. Especially cause my wife was super stressed/discouraged that the name was already causing tension. He couldn’t talk until that night so I just sent him this text:
Well that sent off an explosion. They’re super hurt by the text, saying how agressive I was. I have already apologized to them for the text and said “I was just trying to set a boundary, but probably took it too far”, etc. Also, since then, we have been trying to set up a call with them to get past this tension/drama but haven’t had any luck.
AITA? Thoughts?
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> One reason I might be seen as the asshole is that my response shut down any opportunity for a respectful discussion. Instead of engaging in a calm conversation to understand their concerns, my text came off as aggressive and dismissive. This approach not only escalated the tension but also neglected the opportunity to address underlying feelings or misunderstandings, which could have been handled more diplomatically.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA.
> There’s only one Owen in their lives.
This is asinine.
YWNBTA. I agree your text was aggressive but I think the aggression was already established by SIL by going to her mother. Your IL have zero say in what you name your child. The fact that your wife and sister are setting up a call is absurd. I think your text was necessary. Who is SIL to run to her parents over what someone else names their kid? And why would your MIL/FIL then turn around and tell your wife? It’s all drama. If this call goes south, then take back your apology and tell them you stand by your text and they need to MTOB
NTA – God forbid there is another Owen in the world! How sensitive their child must be, if they will be confused by another Owen in their world. my son had 9 kids with the same first name as his in his class, one was even a female! None of them were traumatized, and in fact they started the 9 kids club. LOL
NTA and personally, I don’t see anything wrong with your message. People who are being over the top inappropriate with an insane demand like the one being made here, don’t deserve to be treated with kid gloves.
The only mistake you made was apologizing for the message.
Now they are doing the silent treatment as a way to get you “back in line” which is usually a tell in and of itself that this is nothing more than a power play on their part.
NTA. Princess SIL can take seat. No one owns a name. And is extremely common to have more than one Owen or whatever in a family. What if a sibling fell in love with an Owen ? Sorry sis, you can’t marry him. No duplicate names allowed! What a control freak
NTA now and won’t be if you name your kid Owen.
>”There’s only one Owen in their lives. It would cause confusion for their 1 year old son having two Owen cousins, etc”.
Just wait until 1yr old goes to school and there are kids in his class with same names! How will he cope!? Jesus they need to get a grip. Unless your wife is growing a literal clone of other Owen (and even then because your Owen will be younger…) I think their kid will be able to keep them straight. I have identical twin cousins, and my kid at 18 months could tell them apart. Kids aren’t stupid. There’s this magical thing called context clues, “Owen barfed on me at 2am” it’s pretty apparent you mean your baby, not your nephew’s cousin that you don’t see.
You can name your kid whatever you want, hell you could name him the same thing as the “confused” 1yr old and that’s fine. This is sort of why I’m against telling people what you’re thinking for a name ahead of time, it gives them room to believe they have a say. The ONLY issue is that your wife flung open that door for her sisters to make drama “Don’t kill us this might cause confusion” No it won’t and sister doesn’t have a say, it’s not her baby.
In my family we have several same names, and we all manage to keep it straight. A lot of the sames are close in age, spent time regularly together growing up, and it was literally never an issue.
ETA: If you want to commit a tiny bit of AH behavior, say you’ve seen the error of your ways and have decided to name the baby Jack after BIL, BIL will be henceforth known as Old Jack to avoid confusion. Confused 1yr old calls Old Jack Dad, so no confusion there. Okay…DON’T but it would be a little funny.
Sir, name your child what you want!!!!! People really need to stop dictating what a person can’t do in their personal lives.
NTA. I have two similarly aged cousins named Lisa on different sides of the family that have never met each other. It was never confusing.
Name your kid whatever you want.
I grew up with this Iranian Jewish guy named David… and he had three cousins with the same first AND last name! Guess what? It never caused a speck of confusion for anyone in their family or any of their friends.
Assuming the real name is Owen-ish in terms of popularity then NTA. Their child will learn that there are multiple people with the same given name in the coming years anyway. They are being overly precious and dramatic.
However, your wife invited it by mentioning it in her ‘don’t be mad’ way. And your note went in hot. Don’t retreat, just get a bit Zen and solid.
NTA plenty of people have relatives with the same name. Hell, lots of folks have people in their family named after other members of the family
NTA.
We had 2 Toms, 3 Richards and 3 Harrys in my family when my Dad was still alive. We survive. It’s irritating, but if you love the name too and it isn’t super unique, they really can’t gatekeep.
NTA There’s only one Owen in their life huh?
That’s fine, there will only be one Owen in yours too 😉
NTA but why did you text them when it was going to cause trouble just do your thing and don’t tell them until ten baby is born
YTA – don’t you think your wife started it with the language “Jill, don’t kill us because I know this might add some confusion”?
Also, your text was aggressive – I couldn’t stop laughing at the nip in the bud comment when your wife put it out there but also see my last comment.
You can name your kid Owen – nta for that.
Also, you do realise they are your wife’s brother, SIL and Mom. Wtf are you being so involved? In my view, you and your wife knew this could be a problem, chose the name anyway (ok), wife communicated it in a shitty manner and then you behaved like a complete jackass in your text.
Jill is entitled to talk to her MIL and your wife (her SIL) about it. Maybe your wife shouldn’t have called out Jill if she didn’t want to deal with the consequence.
Also, as a woman fuck off with as her husband you would call the other husband and nip it in the bud. Why? Because men dictate to women? Jill’s feelings are valid even if you are entitled to name your child what you like.
You and her husband don’t get to nip anything in the bud. To me you come across as misogynistic.
NTA. You and your wife are the only ones who have a say in what you name your child. Your only mistake was apologizing for your text, which was perfect. As others noted, now these people are trying to control you with the silent treatment. Don’t let them! Name your baby Owen and enjoy your lives.
NTA. LOL that they think there will only be 1 Owen in their kids life.
But here’s the thing –
A- I would actually have recommended not telling names AT ALL. It’s a LOT harder to be pissed about a name when it’s actually applied to a child that has been born!
B – I think your wife saying something to Jill about “don’t kill us” was starting the fire. Why say that at all? That specific sentence let’s Jill think she SHOULD have a reaction, she’s allowed to be pissed, she’s allowed to voice an opinion.
C – while their reaction and expectations are wildly out of line, I do find your texts to be pretty aggressive too.
Honestly, at this point, just stop. Don’t have a phone call with them! This is giving their opinion WAY TOO MUCH WEIGHT. At this point, you’re almost asking them for permission to use it/ forgiveness for using it.
But in the future, learn from this! If not about kids names – be careful about ANY thing that might elicit opinions/reactions from people. Be careful about how you share information.
NTA No one owns a name. You can name your son with the name you want. I have a name which was quite popular when I was born. I had a best friend at school who had the same name as me.
My niece has 2 aunties – me and her father’s sister both have the same name. It has never been a problem as we rarely met her.
NTA. my name is Nicole, but i’ve gone by Cole for two decades. coincidentally, my immediate cousin (moms sisters kid) who we spend the most time with is ALSO named Cole. we’re about 5 years apart. it has literally never been a problem. i’m cole, he’s cole, we could all be cole really. ppl get so jacked up about names lol. name YOUR KID whatever YOU want to name them! kinda gross jack and jill seem to think their kid is so limited that having more than one owen in their life would break their brain lol.
My granddaughter has a cousin on mom’s side named Kelsy, a half sister named Kelsey on dad’s side and her boyfriends name is Kelsy. NTA. Your kid gets bonus credit if he gets to school and makes a best friend of someone named Owen. My bestie in school had the same first name as me.
NTA
The reason that it might cause confusion is such BS that it’s outright disrespectful.
There are a TON of Owens in the world.
NTA. I have many cousins with the same name and one of my siblings has the same name. One of my kids have same name. I have a version of that name. There is no confusion with who they are talking about.
NTA
My family is full of Toms. It has never been a problem.
Stop discussing name choices with them. If they ask, say “We are thinking about other names,” and change the subject. When your child is born, make the announcement. “Baby Owen was born (date, time). He and his mom are doing well.”
I wish people would not communicate potential names “we’re still making a list”, or birth plans.
I feel lying is justified in some of these situations. For instance, wife has a scheduled c-section and all the mil’s want to come. You announce the wrong date (a week out). Then, when the baby arrives via the originally scheduled date) you just say baby couldn’t wait.
When I went into labor we quietly went to the hospital and had the baby. Told everyone the next day. It was peaceful and wonderful. Both times.
NTA. Do they really think so little of their son that they think he can’t differentiate between two cousins. This is one of the more ridiculous name protests I’ve seen here. They’re being stupid.
NTA I grew up with three cousins named Joey and two named Billy – and the Joes were all on my mother’s side – I managed to not be confused. Jack and Jill are being ridiculous.
NTA
How does your family expect your children to differentiate between Grandma A and Grandma B? Kids are smart and they figure it out. Your nephew will figure out which Owen is which pretty quick.
NAH, I think just two parties with different opinions and wants. You’re not an asshole for being strict with them about the name, and they’re not assholes for sharing that they would rather you pick a different name. But it is up to you and your wife whether their opinions matter and you’ve decided they don’t so oh well for them 🤷♀️
NTA. It’s always so strange to me how people don’t want duplicate or similar names in families. Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but in some countries/cultures, it’s customary to give kids family names. In our family, even cousins have the same names, but use different nicknames. It was quite frowned upon when my parents didn’t give me and my siblings family names.
Your SIL doesn’t own the name, so unless she plans on buying the trademark or copyright to it, she needs to get back in her lane.
We named our child what we thought was a unique name only to discover that it was a super popular name that year. We have John A, John X, John B, and John M (not real names), plus our own kid John K.
NTA, kids will figure it out.
NTA. I had two cousins named Matthew, one on each side of the family. Can promise you there was never any confusion. If they think their child is going to be confused that’s poor parenting on their behalf.
ESH. Your text was a bit too aggressive. Like if you removed the last sentence from each of them it would have firmly set boundaries without being too hostile.
Ywnbta if you stick with the name.
NTA. I come from an Irish family where every single set of siblings or cousins includes at least one Mary. It’s really not difficult. You just use another identifier.
NTA…nobody has a headlock on a name.
I went to a small, private school in the Midwest- in HS the graduating class was around 50-60 each year.
While in this HS, there were cousins with the same first and last names, only the middle name was different. (I think they were named for a grandfather?) They were referred to by their full names with middle initial throughout their time there. Think “Thomas L. Hardy” and “Thomas R. Hardy”. So, cousins, in the same school, I think both in same grade or close to it and in the same sport, and they made it work.
NTA…on my moms side we have 2 Chrises, 2 Kevins, 2 Megans, and 2 kennys and there has never been an issue with getting them confused. I also think your message was completely fine, you were setting a boundary of “no one but us has a say in this” they can get over themselves
It’s misleading for you to position this as “WIBTA if we end up naming our son “Owen”—as if we should simply disregard your text messages in regard to how you handled the conflict.
ESH, Everyone Sucks Here.
Obviously Jack/Jill should never have gone to your wife’s parents to stir up trouble over this; you don’t say what your MIL’s reply was, but hopefully she didn’t encourage them to pursue the issue…?
No one had said a thing to either you or your wife directly. Maybe they would have even cooled off and decided to let it go. But you decided to go on offense immediately with the aggressive texts and the ridiculous “I don’t want the drama”—which you were instigating.
I have two daughters, Jessica and Samantha. We call Jessica “J” and Samantha “Sam.” My husband’s sister’s husband has a sister who named their son “JJ” and their daughter “Sammy”. Everyone has no problem with the names.
My female first cousin named her daughter Amanda. Another of our first cousins named his daughter Amanda. My husband’s sister’s daughter is Amanda. My youngest daughters girlfriend is named Amanda. My brother’s wife’s niece is Amanda. We have no problem keeping them straight.
Your in-laws have no say over what you name you child. No one owns a name. Are they saying their child will not be smart enough to tell them apart? I would stop trying to resolve this. They are creating drama, and they are not going to listen. They are under the mistaken belief that they have an influence on what you name your child. Go low or no contact for now. Hopefully, they’ll get over it. If not, it’s on them.
You are NTA, but your in-laws will be major ones if they keep pursuing this.
NTA. Everything you said was true.
In my family, there are several names common among cousins. I have a cousin with my name, and my husband has a cousin with my name, for example.
This is normal in a lot of families.
Tell your brother that under no circumstances will you allow him to upset your pregnant wife or try to force her to change what she wants to name her own baby. If he thinks your first, blunt email was hostile, wait for your reaction if he harasses your wife over this. His wife’s sister does not get to take a name off the table for your wife, who doesn’t even see her or that child.
NTA You and your wife are the only people that matter here.
NTA – My brother and a cousin share a name and never once has it ever caused any confusion or upset for anyone; kids or adults. Not to mention all the other kids they went to school with who had the same name!
YWNBTA.
They don’t own the name.
It’s not even their kid’s name which they might more reasonably have conflicted feelings about
As for your message, they started it, you’re finishing it.
NTA in any way. How would her precious child ever cope if he ever met a Sr and a Jr? My two older sons married girls with the same last name who are not related. My eldest sons wife is Amy Smith-Brown (not real name because privacy). My other sons wife’s sister is Amy Smith. His wife’s brother married an Amy who is now Amy Smith. Nobody gets confused. It’s incredibly ridiculous to gatekeep a name. Use the name. They’ll get over it. Or they won’t.
So we have 3 Bobby, 3 Ethan, 2 Stephen, two Lisa, two Wendy, and 2 Oliver, just in our immediate family that we interact with regularly. This is such a nonissue.
NTA. My family coped fine with my dad’s younger brother being called David and my dad’s older brother calling his oldest son David. They’re known as big David and little David and we’ve all managed fine with that for 56 years.
NTA. No one else gets a say in what you name your child unless the name you want will genuinely affect your child’s life in a negative way (like naming your child Arm or smth idk) and naming your kid Owen simply won’t do that.
NTA. I have faith in the kid – he will learn as soon as he goes to childcare or school that names are used for more than one person. Every other person in the world has been able to adjust to that fact. Why do his parents think that their child won’t be able to?
NTA. Name your child whatever you like. They can learn to live with it.
Sincerely, an uncle and a cousin by marriage to two Austins.
NTA while I was pregnant, my ex and I disagreed about girls names. I really liked Chase. My mother has a cousin (whos my age) named Chase. We see him once in a while but I LOVE the name Chase for a girl. There would have been two Chases in our family had I had a girl. Nobody saw a problem with that.
Majorly NTA. Easy, “old Owen” v “new Owen”. “Owen 1” vs “Owen 2”. She’s the kind who will use his middle name. To keep it straight in her mind. Kids are smart & can easily adapt to the idea of knowing more thsn one person with the same name. Wait until the kid gets to preschool & finds 3 Rileys & 4 of whatever the other popular name is. She’ll lose her mind.
I have an uncle nick & cousin Nick one one side. A cousin nick on the other, with two cousin brothers who both named a son nick. I was never confused.