I’ve been lurking for a while and don’t know if this is a mil issue or a spouse never setting a boundary issue, sorry I’m a rambler
I’m 21M, my fiancé is 26M. We’ve been together 3 years, just got engaged, and moved in together in October.
His mom has been a nightmare from the start.
When we met, she seemed to like me. The second we went public, everything changed. She used to be homophobic toward him when he was a kid, and she’s made great strides so I have hope we can connect more years down the line. but now her issue is that I “stole her baby.” He’s her firstborn and only son, and she treats him like he’s still a teenager under her roof.
She made him sign a literal contract when we started dating. No sleepovers, basic chores (unless it was his sister’s boyfriend), lights out by a set time, he had to tell her everything, and he couldn’t visit my place. We weren’t able to be home alone if I was able to visit His younger sister didn’t have a single restriction. I’ve been on my own since I was 16, so the control made me furious.
She’s humiliated me in front of her family, asking when he’s going to leave me, if I can “provide” for him, and why I have to “steal” her baby. She’s called me by the name of one of his physically abusive exes, grilled me about my tattoos and scars from motorcycle accidents/ childhood stupidity, and even asked if I was a danger to her son. (I am diagnosed bipolar 2 but haven’t had an episode since I was 16 wooo medication!)
Every holiday, she demands he spend the night at her house. I’m told I’m “not family” and should stay home alone. Her daughters boyfriend of course is aloud over
We’ve said no, and every time she explodes. We don’t have kids but we still think of ourselves and our pets as a family and want holidays to be with our little family
When he told her he was moving out, she cried, begged, and threatened to take away college credits she gets for him. (She’s a professor at his college and he’s in law school so tuition is pricey I’ll take the handouts lol) When we got engaged, we decided to tell her in a public place because I’d offered to pay for suits for his internship, but she insisted on paying instead over $1,500 worth. just so she could hold it over our heads later. Sure enough, when we told her, she started punching displays in the suit shop, told us it was a bad idea, and then gave us the silent treatment.
The worst was earlier this year. I got the call that my grandfather had passed away right before lunch plans with her. I still went, even though I was heartbroken. We drove separately so we could show her the new car I’d bought my fiancé. She went bonkers screaming that she was supposed to buy him a car, and then yelling at me for offering his sister a ride because I’m “too clingy” and need to let them have time alone. I’d literally told her my grandfather had just died, and she still made it all about her. I left and told my fiancé I wasn’t going to be screamed at over something so ridiculous.
We keep our distance but she’s been nagging for time with him so we went over last night that’s when she decided she’s taking over his birthday plans. His birthday is Halloween, his favorite holiday. I was planning a haunted house and a game night with friends. She announced there will be a family party, and he’s expected to be there. No discussion.
At this point, I’m realizing this isn’t just overbearing MIL behavior,it’s control, guilt tripping, and emotional manipulation. She doesn’t respect our relationship, our boundaries, or me as a person. I love my fiancé, he’s independent in every other aspect and really an amazing partner and would do anything for me but stand up to his mother…but I can’t be the only one defending our life together while he freezes up to avoid conflict. If nothing changes, I’m scared I’ll always be the outsider in my own marriage, watching his mom dictate what we do and her telling her family I’m mentally ill and holding her son hostage
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One, get him into therapy if you can.
Two, why are you spending so much money on him? Do you own that car? Because if she’s successful in breaking you up, you’ll never see that car again.
You have to decide if this is how you want the rest of your life together to be. No holidays on your terms. You excluded from her house.
I know you love him. Does he love you enough to change and stand up against her?
This is on him to deal with. She behaves this way because he lets her.
She is not the problem. Your fiancée is the problem.
He’s the problem for letting her do this. He’s a 26 year old adult, mommy shouldn’t be telling him what to do. She can throw a tantrum all she wants. He can choose to ignore it or placate her.
I feel like she’s hiding her homophobia towards him still and if you guys broke up she’ll swoop in and set him up with a female
She’s also emotionally enmeshed with him as her son. She doesn’t treat her daughter the same because she can’t give her that male emotional connection/satisfaction/attention.
This 100% him. You have a fiancé problem.
You have a choice to make. Either you cope with her messing with your life until she dies, or you break up and move on. He clearly isn’t going to stand up to her, much less cut her off. Love isn’t always enough.
Unless something drastic changes, and quickly, this will be your life if you continue relationship with your guy. First step would be couples counseling with a therapist who works with family emmeshment issues (it would probably also help if therapist works with same-sex couples). Second, counseling for him solo. I’m sorry but unless he makes major changes regarding his mother, your situation is not sustainable long-term.
Rethink the way your fiance handles the situation before you officially get married. Ask yourself, is this something you are willing to go through for the rest of your life? Because with the way your MIL acts, it looks like things aren’t gonna change that easy, if at all.
Talk to him straight up about what you won’t allow and how it’s only logically sound for him to stand up for you in front of his mother. His mother should know that you are not the only one who feels bothered by her discouraging actions.
Always prioritize your peace and life, even if it means calling a halt to your relationship until things get sorted out and boundaries are set in place. Always think long term. Lots of love, I hope everything gets better for you ❤️
This is 95% a fiance problem. He isn’t capable of protecting you or your relationship.
Ugh, so I have seen a very similar dynamic play out with several gay male friends with “initially” homophobic parents. Who seem to have come around. But really what they want is for their son to remain alone. Forever. They mentally readjusted their “plans” for him, and they have accepted it no longer includes a wife (fine by them, anyway) or grandchildren. But instead of rewriting it in their heads to include a husband (and potentially still grandchildren), instead it became their sons will just be alone, sexless, and living with them for the rest of their lives. So now this gay thing is not so bad, actually it is pretty good, because they get a husband-son for ever and ever. As long as they can stop their son for doing anything, you know, gay.
And for the sons, they dealt with the traumatizing rejection from their parent over their sexuality. The fear of losing their family, when they were way too young to handle being alone. So when their parents come around to accepting their sexuality, they are left so so thankful… and so so scared to rock the boat and repeat that feeling of complete abandonment, that was scarred into them at a young age.
In your position, I would just stress to your partner what you have said here – you are being hurt, and some of these problems are not sustainable for a stable marriage and partnership. You need him to be able to set secure and strong boundaries with his demanding mother, and to place you and your relationship first. At ALL times. He cannot ask you to simply accept her poor treatment of you, and it needs to stop. He can love her and have a relationship with her. But she can not be a third part to his relationship with YOU. Ever. And you need him to pursue individual counseling, and perhaps you both attend couples counseling. So you can hopefully strengthen your relationship and get through this. Because right now, it is untenable.
Is fiancée in therapy? Please say yes. Or please say you can get him there. He needs someone other than you telling him how unhinged his mother is acting. You guys sound amazing together, but he HAS to stop capitulating to her whims or he WILL destroy this relationship eventually. You may not be there yet but ten or twenty years down the line it will boil over.
Go to therapy together, even better. You can talk through boundaries and consequences and he can know even more that you’re there to help him through this.
Otherwise, it sounds like you’re doing what you need to. Leaving when she gets abusive, not giving in to her demands to separate you for holidays, etc. I hope your fiancée can get there too. Good luck!!!
Reading your post history, you’ve identified yourself a female in an unrelated post. While your gender is of no concern to me, honesty is. Makes me question whether this post is legit.
This lady sounds like a manipulative control freak. Your fiancé needs to step up and set boundaries. It’s not about avoiding conflict; it’s about respecting your relationship and your feelings. If he can’t do that, you’re right to worry about being an outsider in your own marriage.