I’ve been experiencing something for a while, and it’s gotten to the point I call it my deepest darkest secret. No matter how hard I try, I can’t say it. Not to anyone. Not even to myself, out loud or in my head because of the denial of it all. Typing it on here will be my first time ever admitting it.
I don’t know if I’m confused, trying to convince myself, chasing something that isn’t there, or if I’m doubting something I’m truly feeling and just trying to undermine it. I feel like only the people who know what this is will understand.
I am a female. I look like one and have always identified as one. However, I don’t know how long I’ve pushed this down before it became too big to realise it wasn’t going away and might actually be something. I’ve always been fascinated and wondering on the aspect of being a guy. It feels wrong just saying it out loud but it’s true. I often wonder what it would be like to be one myself. You know that fiery, eager, longing feeling in your chest when you really want something? Yeah, that’s what it feels like, and it has for a very long time. What’s throwing me off, is that I’ve always been a super feminine girl. Long hair, makeup, the kind of girl that’s always appeared as “The straight white bitch” which I have actually I have been told throughout my whole life whenever I’ve told someone I am a lesbian, and they didn’t expect it. Because I just look that straight and stereotypical, I guess. “omg YAAAAAAS QUEEEN SLAAAY!!!-“type of girl. I love buying cute dresses and wear cute feminine outfits, but I just as much long for the suits and ties, the short hair, and wearing the binders which I have been told hurt a lot and are annoying BUT I LOVE THEM AND WANT ONE- Eh ehm… and just having that opportunity to be someone else. When I’m wearing the girl’s school uniform, I always imagine what it would like to wear a boy’s one instead. I had to borrow my brothers uniform one time, and even though the girl’s feels alright and normal, the second I put on those shorts, baggy shirt, and tie, it feels just right.
I feel somewhat trapped in my own mind, the thought of just ignoring this feeling and continuing my life feels reliving and just overall peaceful. But also, not expressing it even to myself, or at least not overcoming this confusing fear is also something I don’t know if I can be okay with. I’m worried because I have literally THE BEST girlfriend in the entire world. She’s everything you could imagine in the perfect person; she also identifies as lesbian. Every time she tells me she loves me, and nothing can change that, I feel loved of course, but I also feel my chest sinking. I’m worried if I tell her “Hey I like being a girl, but I also feel really strongly to a boy for some unexplainable feeling I can’t place I don’t know-“she’s not going to love me anymore, or see me differently. I try to run from the feeling, try to let it go, convince myself I’m chasing something that isn’t there, but the fact its knocking in my head multiple times a day makes me feel like I’m not making something up for myself, and that there’s something real.
If there’s someone else out there who has felt the same way, and has found their answer, please tell me what it was. I am so confused and could really use some support. I feel a lot less crazy having all of this off my chest, even if it is just on a Reddit post. Love you guyz <3
I need help. How can I cope with my deepest darkest secret?
r/Advice
Comments
You’re not confused you’re courageous for facing a truth many fear to even whisper. Embrace that fire inside denying it only deepens the ache while honesty with yourself and your girlfriend could unlock the freedom you desperately need.
There is nothing wrong with you, and I applaud you sharing this.
There is nothing wrong with exploring this side of yourself. From what you say, it doesn’t sound like you want to fully transition to being a man, but just that it is a space you’d like to explore. There are all kinds of safe, healthy ways to do that.
There’s no reason why your girlfriend should have an issue with this, since you’re not becoming a man, but simply inhabiting that identity, like taking a vacation to masculinity.
I am a gentle man who has never even been in a fight, but I enjoy playing with being a violent asshole. I do so both in fiction, like writing or role playing, and in sexual role play. I don’t want to be a violent asshole, but it’s fun to play as one.
You could do anything from dressing as a man and taking on a male persona and walking around a city you don’t live in, to role playing a man in your relationship.
You may even find that there are aspects of masculinity that are really not male things at all, such as guns, sports, auto racing and fandom.
There’s nothing wrong with you and there’s nothing wrong with your desires. I assure you that many people you encounter every day have much weirder desires than you do.
You be you!