Me (32m) and my wife (32f) live in a small single family home with our daughter, I go to work everyday to provide financially for the family and on my days off or days I get off early I clean and organize our house. Where my frustrations come in, I don’t ask for much from my wife, I’m a very simple man to please, I don’t expect a meal every time I come home or a magazine ready house. But I do expect things to just look nice and organized (not in like an ocd way). Prior to buying the house I had a nice townhome that I felt like met all our needs but my wife insisted I buy a house so our child has more space. I didn’t immediately agree but I did what made her happy. All I asked for her is that she kept the house clean and organized and she agreed.
She is a habitual “stuffer” in the sense that she just stuffs things where they fit even if it look disheveled, be it our fridge the pantry and even her clothes. I’m the opposite and I have different expectations that I’ve expressed.
Where my question is, is anytime I ask her if she can clean the house or keep the pantry organized (after about 5 times of organizing the chaos) she just gets mad at me and either throws a fit in the way where she just starts organizing haphazardly while huffing and puffing and being mad at me. Or she’ll tell me to “find someone else who likes to clean”.
It’s frustrating to me because I work a lot of hours so that she doesn’t have to worry about the household finances, she’s never paid a bill since we’ve been together and I never tell her no when she wants something. I also help with the workload around the house in terms of cleaning, I deep clean our kitchen bathrooms bedrooms and I get my child involved in cleaning their room as well.
She also uses the excuse that “well we have a kid we’re gonna have a messy house” but our kid is so smart and loves to clean up. I will honestly say that I tell her to clean up her toys or her room and she will make sure it’s organized and be proud of her work. She doesn’t get our kid involved in household chores because she thinks that’s “abuse” or something.
I might be over thinking it but it has become very frustrating for me.
Let me know your thoughts guys and gals and others
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Me (32m) and my wife (32f) live in a small single family home with our daughter, I go to work everyday to provide financially for the family and on my days off or days I get off early I clean and organize our house. Where my frustrations come in, I don’t ask for much from my wife, I’m a very simple man to please, I don’t expect a meal every time I come home or a magazine ready house. But I do expect things to just look nice and organized (not in like an ocd way). Prior to buying the house I had a nice townhome that I felt like met all our needs but my wife insisted I buy a house so our child has more space. I didn’t immediately agree but I did what made her happy. All I asked for her is that she kept the house clean and organized and she agreed. She is a habitual “stuffer” in the sense that she just stuffs things where they fit even if it look disheveled, be it our fridge the pantry and even her clothes. I’m the opposite and I have different expectations that I’ve expressed.
Where my question is, is anytime I ask her if she can clean the house or keep the pantry organized (after about 5 times of organizing the chaos) she just gets mad at me and either throws a fit in the way where she just starts organizing haphazardly while huffing and puffing and being mad at me. Or she’ll tell me to “find someone else who likes to clean”. It’s frustrating to me because I work a lot of hours so that she doesn’t have to worry about the household finances, she’s never paid a bill since we’ve been together and I never tell her no when she wants something. I also help with the workload around the house in terms of cleaning, I deep clean our kitchen bathrooms bedrooms and I get my child involved in cleaning their room as well.
She also uses the excuse that “well we have a kid we’re gonna have a messy house” but our kid is so smart and loves to clean up. I will honestly say that I tell her to clean up her toys or her room and she will make sure it’s organized and be proud of her work. She doesn’t get our kid involved in household chores because she thinks that’s “abuse” or something.
I might be over thinking it but it has become very frustrating for me.
Let me know your thoughts guys and gals and others
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> I suppose I would be the asshole because of my emotions getting in the way of her being happy. Maybe I’m pushing her to do what I want and not what she wants
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I think you need to organize this post into paragraphs, this is too difficult to read as a wall of text.
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Info – i must ask, why did you marry a messy person? And why is she a stay at home partner if she’s so messy? I am messy myself and my husband is very neat but he doesn’t get worked up about it as he knew i was messy abd scruffy when he married me.
NAH
You’ve got different expectations.
However I wonder if your wife may be neurodivergent. ADHD runs rampant through our house and keeping the chaos in check is a huge challenge for us.
For example, my husband will put his car keys pretty much anywhere but the key rack. He doesn’t think to look for them there, and if I hang them up when I find them, they are lost to him. I have Tiles on all of our keys for this reason.
Leaning NAH.
I think if you want things a certain way you have to do it yourself. For example, I really don’t like wine glasses going in the dishwasher. My partner isn’t fussed. So I wash them by hand, because it’s my preference, not his.
Out of interest, how old is your daughter?
The other answers saying YTA for not accepting that she’s just “a messy person” are full blown insane.
NTA. Your expectations are completely reasonable. I’ve never heard of an adult who scrubs the toilet because they LOVE scrubbing the toilet. Being an adult means doing things you don’t necessarily enjoy or “feel like” doing. But guess what, it’s important they’re done anyway.
I think you should explain to your wife that it’s a shame she refuses to be organized, but raising your child to be the same way is absolutely unacceptable. She’s being a horrible role model. And trust me, a child that isn’t raised to do any cleaning, will absolutely struggle once they’re on their own. This is not setting your child up for success, and you shouldn’t have to live like a slob because your wife is a lazy princess.
I have four kids and both of us keep the house clean (as do the kids because that’s a skill they should be taught).
I’d have a sit down with my wife and explain how you feel. Maybe even do this with a counselor so you have a mediator. She needs to understand your side without throwing a fit.
INFO: are you saying that you organize things the way you want them and she doesn’t keep them that way? or are you giving her vague directions like “I wish this area was more organized” without offering specific feedback and expecting her to know what you mean and maintain it? something else?
As a person who struggles the way that your wife does, I see both sides of this. I am what is called a Clutterer, and yes, there’s a 12 step program for people like me. Clutterers Anonymous is based on the model of AA, and it does work. Your wife might benefit from finding a group to attend.
We all have different skills, organizing just might not be one of your wife’s. Couples counciling might benefit you both as well. NTA here, neither of you. Good luck
NTA. Sounds like your wife leads a very pampered life. I deal with a hoarder so I can understand how someone being disorganized can be stressful.. Some people don’t get it. They don’t know how to organize or don’t care. If you otherwise love your life and can afford it, maybe get someone in on a semi regular basis? You can kill two birds with one stone. You can have a relatively organized house, and she can do even less than what she is doing now.
Info: how old is your daughter?
Does the pantry have a door? I know the fridge does.
Are food items being lost or is it just you cannot find the cereal or ketchup?
From your post YTA.
And a bit of a control freak.
NTA. But bro, you basically signed a contract for a clean house, and she hit you with the fine print: terms subject to change without notice. At this point, your best bet might be a label maker and a deep breath because it looks like the stuffing method is here to stay.