I (29F) have been feeling frustrated with how my boyfriend (34M) responds when I bring up things that upset me. Recently, I told him something that bothered me, and instead of comforting me or having a conversation, he said:
When you’re questioning me, I can’t give you support.
When your problem is with the world, you have all my love and support.
I can’t give that when your problems are with me.
All I expect from him is to cut me some slack and just show me love during times like this
This has been an ongoing issue. I try to communicate directly about how I expect conversations to go or express my love language. I may not always use the perfect words, but I do my best to say things in a polite way. Yet, for him, it always feels like I’m the one bringing up problems.
In the past, he’s been made to feel like he’s not good enough, so I feel like any issue I raise is automatically seen as criticism rather than an opportunity to talk things through. Instead of addressing concerns, he shuts down and gets defensive.
How can I approach this differently so that he doesn’t feel attacked, but I still feel heard?
TL;DR- My boyfriend gets defensive instead of comforting me when I bring up things that upset me. He says he can’t support me when the problem involves him, which has been an ongoing issue. I try to communicate my feelings politely, but he sees any concern I raise as criticism rather than a chance to talk things through. I just want him to be more understanding and show love.. What are some ways I can navigate this conversation better?
Comments
He is right. You’re both upset on him, and expect him to “support” you. Basically, you’re trying to make him do what you want, by showing him you’re upset he hasn’t done smth, and now he should comfort you because of that (and after that, to do those thing you want him anyway).
Manipulative, toxic behavior, when “he” is always guilty of smth, by default.