I (34m) have been with my fiancée (33f) for 6 years now. She was a widow with two kids when we met. The kids were 5 and 6 when their dad died, they were 7 and 8 when I met my fiancée and we have lived together for the past three years and engaged for 7 months. We’ve all had individual therapy, family therapy and me trying to go at their pace but the kids don’t like me. They won’t like anyone their mom is with. That much is painfully clear. But they are so against me that I would not want to get married and have kids with my fiancée and bring them into a divided family.
It has been argued by some of her friends and mine that things might be this way because we’re not married. That the kids would respect me and believe I’m staying if we get married. And I accept there’s a chance of that. But what if we get married and they still hate me or maybe they hate me more?
The kids are willing to fight their own grandparents, aunts and uncles over me. They do not want to be my friend. They do not want to see me as an uncle or trusted adult, they do not want to see me as a parent and they will yell at their relatives for referring to me as one of their parents. Not even their dad. But as one of their parents. And they are very firm in not wanting me to be their dad. They said nobody can take their dad’s place. I even told them I would never try but would like whatever relationship they’re most comfortable with. Nothing works.
Spending time with them is like dragging them to the dentist. They resist and act like it’s the worst thing ever and they won’t open up to me or have fun even 1:1 with just one of the kids. Not to mention they constantly disrespect me when I’m alone with them. I get slightly less disrespect when others are around but if they decide to make me spending time with them hell the disrespect is dialed up by 100.
My fiancée said she wants to get married and have more kids. That she’s been ready for a while. She even proposed to me. But I have told her I do not feel good about it when her kids are where they’re at with me. She knows I want kids of my own and she told me we’ll have them. She seems willing to believe her kids will come around to the idea of me some day and that we just need to show them I’m not going anywhere. I think it’s a big risk and one that is harder to break. As it is I could move out today and we’re not entangled anymore. Marriage and kids together changes it.
My fiancée’s family desperately want me to stick it out and once I made my fiancée that I am seriously considering ending things they were begging me to commit and stick it out. They said the kids need someone as solid as me and we could still have the marriage and kids I want too. That she wants more kids. My fiancée said it’s not fair that we have to break up over this. I told her she’s not the one who has to live with kids who hate her and have admitted (to their therapist and to cousins) they would be happy to see me dead if it meant removing me from the equation.
AITA for wanting to leave?
Comments
No, you’re not. They’re kids and they’re obviously still hurting, but there’s only so much that you can reasonably be expected to put up with.
You have clearly tried to have this conversation with your partner but she needs to realise that their hostility has to end or you walk.
Good luck, OP, I fear you will need it!
NTA. Tough situation you’re in. These kids are getting in their rebellious phase right now so things could get harder. You need a serious sit down with the fiancee and kids.
You should leave. Marry someone with no kids like yourself. That should be way easier. The mom seems to enable the brat behavior in her kids because ain’t no way she can expect you to tolerate disrespect from minors. That’s crazy work.
NTA
Sorry but you’re going to have cut and run.
Maybe they’ll accept you one day, maybe they’ll accept any kids that come along
Or maybe they won’t.
Leave now or, probably, divorce later.
Don’t go into this thinking adding more kids will help the situation. Until her kids accept you, having more kids will just make them feel replaced. NTA, there’s a chance that the kids might accept you water you get married, but it’s slim. I’d bail. No shame in recognizing a no win situation.
Time to go. It’s been years and no these kids do not seem to be ready yet. If you feel that you have done all you can do, maybe it is time to separate. You seem to have put is an honest effort but the kids are still recovering and their is not a timeline of grief.
NTA- this is heartbreaking. But you have been together 6 years. They have dug their heels in and I would be surprised if something changed that.
To be honest: my parents split and my mom started dating, and eventually marrying, someone I couldn’t stand. Once my mother ripped me a new one for being rude- I was always polite, but he was never someone my sisters or I considered family. If we had been young enough for my mom to have more kids, we probably would have been decent to the kid- but as soon as we were out of the house- we were OUT. —- I don’t think these kids are going to come around.
NTA. Kids of that age do not even understand marriage. Makes you wonder who’s pissing in their ears.
NTA. You have been in the children’s lives for six years and they are still hostile. They don’t want you around. Therapy hasn’t helped. Encouragement from family members hasn’t helped. Marrying your fiancee would be a terrible mistake as the children aren’t worried you may leave – they want you to leave. The best option is to end your relationship, however painful that may be. It’s not fair to you or your fiancee but it’s reality.
Edit: Please be careful to not bring a baby into this situation.
I have a friend that’s in the same boat, only he did marry and his step kids that he has raised nearly their whole lives still hate him. He isn’t their dad and never will be. They are adults now and still treat him like he stole their mother from their father when the father was dead for over 3 years before he met their mother. It’s really sad to see honestly.
NTA you tried. They should have been set straight by now. Too long for this to still be going on.
NTA.
NTA. those kids are around 13/14 if I got it right. they are teenagers, not little kids anymore. they know what they do, they don’t want you there. you did everything you possibly could to make it right. and I don’t want to know what will happen as soon as your kids / their half-siblings would come into the picture. if they would be as hostile to them as they are to you.
I’m sorry for your situation.
NTA!!!
NTA. I’d be more concerned about how they might treat your kids if you had more, or how they might treat you in front of them. If things haven’t improved after all this time and therapy, I’m not sure marriage would change anything.
NTA. I fear they will not accept the potential children that you will have with their mom. Get yourself out of this misery
If, after all this time, they feel they would be happy to see you dead, then imagine what they would feel towards a child of yours. Would you be willing to risk their physical and mental health? Are you in a safe and nurturing environment you would be happy to bring your child into?
No shame in getting away from a hostile environment. NTA
NTA. If you get married and have more kids, you’ll be creating a big seething mess. Her kids don’t like you, they definitely will resent any kids you have with their mom. It sucks, but I think it’s probably best to cut your losses as soon as possible so you can get back out there and try to find someone more compatible.
NTA, you have been more proactive and resilient than many others would be but unfortunately nothing works. It’s time for you to think about your future and what you want it to look ike.
Your fiancée’s attitude is most concerning, she wants to have children and subject them into this kind of environment? This is not a fairytale where everything is going be alright in the end.
I am shocked that she would even think of marrying you knowing how her kids feel. It’s not fair to the kids and it’s not fair to you. It sounds like you’ve done everything you can. But like you, I don’t think forcing the issue is the way to go.
NTA
It’s actually a red flag to me how you put her kids first unlike their own mom. She just wants to move one and live her own life, doesn’t care about her kids or partner’s comfort. She only and only thinks about herself.
NTA. This is a very sad situation, you haven’t try to push a relationship to the kids, but they are just not accepting anything from you. The truth seems to be that if you want to have children of your own, then this is not the relationship to have them. A marriage wouldn’t change the situation, new kids in the mix would make the situation even worse.
NTA. This isn’t just about the children’s happiness, it’s also about yours. And personally, I couldn’t live with this level of disrespect, which could possibly get worse as the teenage years come in. Nope. Cut your losses. Sorry, OP.
It’s time to leave, now, so that she has time to find someone else to have kids with.
Your life with step kids who actively hate you and have hated you for years will not be good and you deserve better.
I just have a question. I assumed this may have been covered in therapy, but has it been addressed between your wife and her kids that she is not going to abandon them, too? Their dad abandoned them (not his choice, he died). I wonder if it’s more of a fear that if their mom gets married, she’ll choose you and, in a sense, abandon them for you. Has this been addressed with them? I just wonder if this is the root of the hostility. Not so much seeing you as a replacement, but as someone who takes Mom’s time away from them.
NTA. Reddit is full of posts from grown adults who continue to resent their parent’s new partner, even after 20 years of marriage. They’d much rather their parent remain single and lonely than accept a new person into their life. It sounds very much as though your partner’s kids fit into this category. Whilst I have sympathy for your partner, in my view, it’s really not worth it. There will be other women out there for you who don’t come with angry children.
NTA
And this situation sounds miserable. Those kids will never accept you, unfortunately, and as you said, do you really want to continue living like this? Let alone bring more children into it?
I think you know the answer, but you need to decide what suits you all best.
Don’t drag it out. You tried, it didn’t work out. Time to part ways. Pretending everything is ok will not make their hostility to go away. And we’ve seen enough stories here from a view point of a kid who is hated by their half siblings. NTA
NTA, the kids lost their father. I don’t think the kids will come around. You have been in a relationship for 6 years. Their adolescents are being brats. I hope you don’t get suck with child support.
If I were you I would walk for now. Who knows, maybe in a few years when she’s dated some other people and they realize how good they actually had it, they’ll change their minds? If you’re still single then, maybe things will work out, but if you stick it out now things are never going to change most likely.
People who are saying that they’re going to change their minds eventually if you stick around, don’t realize how stubborn children can be. The more you try to force them to do something the more they’re going to double down.
It’s too bad that children don’t realize how much they can hurt their parents when they do stuff like this. It’s one thing when the new adult in their lives is trying to force things and trying to make them call them dad or something like that, but you’re going about it in the best way possible and they still won’t go for it.
NTA I think you should leave her family are adding pressure because they know with her children behaving this way the chances of her getting another partner are slim. If you were to have a child of your own, how would they treat that child? my guess is not well. You are at an impasse where you could have a far less complicated life and family dynamic or sign up for what may be years of futile effort. You have tried family therapy and even years later nothing has changed. Marriage has a 50% failure rate when things are ideal your situation already has huge crushing pressures and it just sounds like a miserable experience.
NTA. Those kids are dead set on being complete hellions to anyone that their mother is involved with. Your fiancee’ is doomed to spend the rest of her child rearing years alone because of the attitudes of her children. Run while you can.
NAH
NTA this relationship isn’t survivable and I’d genuinely fear for the safety of any children the two of you had together, considering the level of hatred they have for you.
I think a bit of light emotional blackmail is required.
If their, mum tells them, “If you refuse to like him, and he leaves as a result. You will be the reason i am never happy again” then she needs to ball her eyes out in front of them.
Im kidding, of course… kind of.
One thing is for sure, getting married or having kids to save a relationship has NEVER WORKED.
You only have two choices at this point, either you break up or you get married and understand those kids may never like you, and you’ll have to live with that.
The kids attitude won’t change when you get married.
I instantly hated my step father and hated him for the 12 years that they were together.
But I was right, he was a cùnt.
You’re obviously not a cùnt but I would walk away otherwise you’re going to have a miserable couple of years after which you’re likely to split up anyways.
Good luck
NTA. I would end it. The kids are 13 and 14 now they’re old enough to know their mind and it won’t change. You are the only responsible person in this relationship, you are taking everyone’s feelings into consideration. Your fiance is only concerned about her feelings and what she wants. Yes, she is entitled to a relationship, but not at the cost of a hostile household. And trying to force the issue and say they’ll accept once you’re married never works out.
You’re fiancée’s right – it isn’t fair. It isn’t fair to YOU. YNTA but her Bad Seeds are.
If the kids don’t like you, don’t do it.
Hi. I’ve been this widow. I am this widow.
So lonely, after the grief subsided, but my kids were hell bent on the idea that “no man could replace their dad”.
Nothing you do will change those little minds.
Not therapy. Not spending time with them. Nothing. The worst idea of all is giving them step-siblings to complain about. They won’t accept those babies are their siblings, and omg, I can hear the endless complaints if you so much as ask them to back up and let baby breathe, much less empty a diaper pail.
There’s just an entitlement (for lack of a batter word) that sets in with young children when one parent DIES. They don’t have memories of raging arguments. No bad behavior, no cheating, no drama, none of the nonsense divorced adults pull on each other. The deceased is remembered–sometimes even re-cast–in absolute perfection, and they won’t accept anyone else. (Mine were 9 and 12)
Yes, I’ve now been widowed longer than I was married. I was 40 when my husband died, and trying to date? Oh, Lord, my kids were evil to anyone I brought home–all 2 of them, lol. To this day I kinda want to apologize to those perfectly nice men for the things my children said or did to them.
At this point, I have few regrets about remaining single, but I’m 65. Still, I can’t say I regret not putting us all through the hell I read about on Reddit when people try to blend families.
Good luck.
NTA
What a bleak future if you marry her. The kids will hate you even more.
You’ve done all you can with all of the therapy and family. It’s time to move on. It would be too stressful for you to remain in this relationship.
I’m sorry this is not working out, but you need to take care of your mental health as well.
As long as you’re not the one pushing the “parent”,dad, or “uncle” narrative you’re NTA.
My uncle just spent the last 30 years doing what you’re thinking of doing. Both kids left once they turned 18, and really only speak to their mom.
Day to day growing up, you’re little more than a babysitter. You have no authority, only guidance. Anything that “needs to” get done goes through mom.
It was really rough for him to accept this role, that the kids would never accept or respect him. My dad asked him once if he regretted staying. He said there are things he does regret, but he would do it all over again.
He really did love their mom, even later on while she was destroying her own life.
The fact that you’re even considering leaving tells me you shouldn’t stay. You know what you’re getting into, and don’t expect things to ever change with her kids. They might even resent you more if you do have kids with their mom.
Don’t do it other wise your kids are gonna be on Reddit in 16-18 years because their older half siblings hates their existence and excluded them from everything.
Your fiance needs to stop being selfish and focus on the kids she currently have that are acting out instead of thinking a wedding and more kids will fix this.
OP points for you because you have stayed this long while being treated like literally garbage ☹️
My only advice for you is to pack your bags and get the hell out..
Just a question. What does your girlfriend/fiance say to all og this? Does she actually talk to her kids and explain that there behavior IS NOT ACCEPTABLE! Or?
In my opinion you deserve better.. find a nice girl and make some baby’s with her 😏☺️
So yeah DEFINITELY NOT THE ASSHOLE
NTA, and this is just so sad. From what you’ve said, it’s not even indifference to you, which would still be enough to prevent marriage and adding more children to the equation – it’s active resentment. Wishing someone dead is extreme. I know they were only young children when they lost their dad but the fact they’re resisting all attempts to guide them to a healthy way of thinking even now is just obnoxious at this point. They’re teenagers, old enough to understand and adopt a new perspective.
I know you’ve said you’ve done therapy but have you spoken to your gf about where your thoughts are with your relationship? Explain in no way shape or form are you asking her to choose between you and her kids but the way things are you can’t see a relationship continuing and unfortunately you can’t force a relationship either but have you tried to identify the root cause as to why they dont like you ? My kids are similarly aged and the behavior you describe sounds like it could be influenced by an adult possibly
Why is your partner just glossing over her kids’ feelings in her pursuit of a man? And then she wants to add more kids into the mix? I’m sorry but she sounds like a terrible parent and she should be dumped immediately.
Your fiancé being willing to marry and have kids over her kids’ happiness is telling too.
I think you’re right, don’t get married and have kids knowing it will be a tumultuous life for her kids and any kids you have later. NTA
Family counselling maybe helps but otherwise I’d leave.
NTA. If you’ve done everything you could possibly do on your part to foster a relationship with them and they still haven’t acknowledged you, bringing in a child or children into this marriage would only exasperate these feelings of anger/hatred and resentment that they have for you.
This will likely end up with them pulling away further away from you if they had any chance of getting to know you properly. If they don’t take the pregnancy announcement badly or if they manage to come around during the 9 months or once it’s here is they will likely see that child as an extension of you and everything they hate about you. They will only be able to get along with it as along as they can see their mother in that baby.
I know that you so badly want this to work out but forcing something like this rarely works out fairly for all the parties involved. Try separation with your partner if you aren’t ready to leave her, give your self time to see the kind of life you’re living right now and whether you want to bring a child in to it?
If I were you I will leave, not only are her children causing you undue stress and nobody are round you really understands the anguish this is causing you, having a child is not going to solve this issue. Her kids aren’t there emotionally to open up to you. To them nobody is going to fill that void of their father. They’re clearly showing you signs that they don’t want you in their life and don’t respect you. I know that this might hurt to think of it like that, but you’d end up building your own cage if you stayed. Imagine trying to leave this relationship with your child and managing custody this sounds like an avoidable trap.
Side note: your fiancé’s family only wants what’s best for her not you! If worst case scenario happens they aren’t on your side in the divorce and they won’t be if they can already see the children openly and actively denying you as part of their family.
Good luck.
NTA. And your fiancee has the maturity level of a toddler for her to say that it “isn’t fair” for you to break up over this. She doesn’t care about you at all — the level of stress you would be (and have been) under, and frankly the danger you would be in since they’ve admitted they wouldn’t mind seeing you dead — doesn’t concern her; she only wants a wallet. Those kids are teenagers now, and she should have exercised some discipline over them. For her to allow them to treat an adult — ANY adult — like that is completely irresponsible. And her family has a lot of gall asking you to play the martyr by committing to remaining in a living hell. Life is too short to be miserable; relationships are difficult enough to navigate without being saddled with this kind of baggage. Who needs that shit? But the 6 years you spent with her won’t have been wasted if you consider it a valuable learning experience and heed the lesson going forward. Don’t date parents!
As a single dad OP … I can tell you this likely won’t change. My ex partner had the same issue as you do. If you think it’ll change you’re fooling yourself. Don’t listen to anyone here telling you it will, the chances of that are slim to none. If you want your own kids find someone else.
Nope, NTA. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
nta the kids are not ready and adding more kids to that situation is a terrible idea it never ends well those kids could end up hating the kid/kids and so they will end up traumatizing the new kids. The mother is also still grieving im sure she loves you and all but maybe she is also trying to fill a void
I feel terrible for your fiancée most of all.
These children need to understand that their hostility will cause lasting resentment from their own mother.
Remindme! -10days
Op do u love her kids? U keep referring to them as her kids and you would like your own
Do you think the kids might feel if u stay together they will be pushed out?
I’m only asking as I was the kid in this situation
I hated my dads gf
Does mum have some 1-1 time with them so they don’t feel like they’re loosing her
NTA
I dont see the kids ever accepting you as things stand, and I only see them resenting you more if you get married.
I hate to say it, but your fiance is being an AH to you for trying to tell you they will accept you, and she’s being a massive AH to her kids. They need her not to try and force a relationship on them when they dont want one. They need to have therapy and be accepting that their dad is gone and that their mum is allowed to live again before she tries to force them into a having another parental figure.
I really feel for all of you, but those kids have no choice except to act our while they’re hurting, which is what they’re doing.
You are NTA. This is just a lose lose situation OP, sorry 🙁
Stop wasting your time in this relationship. It will never work out. Find someone who doesn’t come with so much baggage (kids who hate you).
Bro. You better leave before they falsely accuse you of something that destroys your life. They ain’t worth it.
What she doesn’t get is that by marrying you and having kids with you, she is erasing her previous family. From the kids perspective. She will alienate them and they will never be the older siblings that any child deserves. You are the one who is thinking about what’s best for everyone long term. NTAH.
>She seems willing to believe her kids will come around to the idea of me some day and that we just need to show them I’m not going anywhere.
NTA. But what has she done to act as a bridge between you and the kids? She is the lynchpin in all this. Is she making that extra effort other than speculating that they will come around? Has she ever sat everyone down and have a talk on what that future might look like?
So i mean, you need to just talk to her and see if shes ok with losing her kids over this because as teenagers at this point they will be even wirde to deal with and will probably just leave when they can.
Alternatively she can tell them that its their fault she wont be happy because of how they act with you.
Either way, its literally their fault and they wont stop until it gets through to them that theyre the problem here, whether its you or not their mom is with. She needs to accept letting them go because its whats going to happen in the long run.
Any of their family willing to raise them for the next 5 years?
Dude, listen to your gut. Your gut told you to leave LONG ago, and your gut is right! You’ll never be happy in this relationship. NTA
NTA.
I’d go so far as to say you have no good reasons to stay in that relationship.
Wish her well and go find someone who won’t bully you into accepting mistreatment.
NTA.honestly I would exit this shitshow. U did your best now walk away
Manipulative Brats will find new devil ways to make your life even more Hell if you’re an eedjit enough to tie the noose… Sorry, I meant the “knot.”
It sounds like a very quick turn around from their Dad dying to you being introduced to them. My Dad died when I was 13 and 18 months later my Mom met someone else. We never went the way your fiancés kids have where we hated the new guy, it wasn’t his fault. But it did lead to a very hostile relationship with our Mom, to the point where we do not speak now. It’s a huge thing to go through and process at such a young age, and those kids weren’t done with the grieving process when you came along. Not even close. NTA, leaving seems like the only thing you can do.
Stop sleeping with her if you are leaving, you don’t want an “accidental” pregnancy. It sounds like her family (minus kids) and herself are desperate to have you stay, so make sure there is no legal reason to have to. NTA.
NTA
You would be doing the right thing by ending the relationship. I’m sorry, this must be painful. But it’s clear that someone or something has poisoned the minds of the children against you.
Normally 6 and 8 year old would be upset about a new person in their life, but if handled well, would usually accept this. Especially with a therapist in the mix, and with you stating that you’re not trying to take a fatherly role. Something else is going on here, I suspect family members are whispering behind the scenes. They may mean well, but if people are saying things to the kids like “aren’t you excited to get a new daddy” then that could be quite upsetting for kids to hear and might make them dig their heels in.
>It has been argued by some of her friends and mine that things might be this way because we’re not married. That the kids would respect me and believe I’m staying if we get married
This is absolute nonsense, who on earth is saying this to you and what agenda do they have? The kids hate you now and getting married won’t make that better.
But you’re losses. Nta
There is something seriously awry with those kids.
This is up to their mother, your fiance to sort out. What is she actually actively doing? Doesn’t sound like shes actively doing anything. Just ignoring their bad behaviour.
And the counsellor those kids see must not be good either.
From what you say and describe? I wouldn’t stay. You’ve invested a long time and definitely would not marry under those circumstances.
Her kids are doing everything they can to get you to leave and I think if you marry their mom and become more a solid part of the family things will tone down. You are not required to do 1-1 time with kids that hate you so just stop doing stuff with them. When you have your own kids be sure to raise them better than your fiance. Your fiance needs to put a stop to her childrens actions toward you. If you decide it’s easier to just walk away it’s not like you didn’t try 100%. Does your fiance ever stand up for you with her children ? Does she at least have your back?
Youve been around for half of these kids’ lives, so “We just need to show them I’m not going anywhere” doesn’t stand up IMO.
Likewise, if they’re happy to make your life awful, think what that looks like for any future kids. Either they spend their childhoods watching you get treated abysmally, and/or they get treated abysmally. Allowing either option would make you a terrible parent and a bad person.
The best thing that these kids can see is consequences – their actions leaving their mother miserable. That’ll suck for you (for a while), and suck for your partner (for even longer), but there’s no other option. Time for you to leave.
NTA protect yourself and go find a better partner – she doesnt help you – why stick with her?
NTA.
Actually, you are the only one listening to these traumatized kids. Tobyour gf who says it isn’t fair… well, it isn’t fair that her kids lost their dad. It isn’t fair that their extended family thinks that in their heart they should forget their dad and replace him with you. It isn’t fair that their extended family thinks a party and a piece of paper (marriage license) would erase their feelings and pain.
NTA. Do you really want to marry and have children with someone who already has so little regard for the feelings of her current children?
What does your family therapist say about the situation?
NTA, imagine you have kids with her, both of your attention (justifiably) will be on the new borns, her more than you. You can’t take care of them without facing hostility. You can’t focus on your kids because that’ll just make them feel isolated from their mum and might make them resent your kids. Your fiancé sounds like she won’t much of a help if your kids started taking their anger out on the little ones. All of this might now be the case, they might learn to love their new half siblings but is that a gamble you are willing to take?
Sounds like a miserable six years. I’d have bounced a long time ago.
Op, it will never work with the kids unless they change their tune 180° tomorrow. But has things stand, they will probably not see how they acted and how much damage they did to their mom until they are +20. The kids are basically extremely selfish.
They need to hear the hard truth. Straight up and stop being little cnts. They are 13 and 14 now. They are old enough to understand they are intentionally and selfishly ruining their mom’s happiness. They will eventually move out and start their own family with someone they hopefully will be with until they die. And who is their mom going to have? When is she able to be happy? When you guys move out and then she can find someone to be with her hopefully for the rest of the her life? Then finally you are not replacing their dad but an addition to the family for love, acceptance, and guidance. Their dad will always be there with them even if he isn’t here physically. That their dad would want their mom to be happy and have someone provide and protect her.
If they are even more hostile towards you after she says to does to them to punish them. Does that mean they are setting up for their mom to be unhappy and alone for x amount of years until they finally let go? Give the harsh reality of what they are setting up her to life to be like. They will regret it. And feel horrible for ruining her life and yours. Once she sees the reality will the outlook change?
Nta leave. Things won’t change and her family just wants you to stay because you will help provide for them.
If you get married and have your own kids there is a good chance your fiance’s current kids will feel replaced. Your bio kids will probably suffer if the current kids don’t accept them. Overall everyone will suffer, maybe your fiance will suffer less because she is getting everything she wants. It will not be a healthy family and everyday someone or the other will be upset
NTA honestly I don’t think these situations ever work out. Eventually their hatred and anger will also be directed at your children then what? This is not a healthy environment for the kids or you. You should leave and save the kids, yourself and your future kids all this grief and pain.
NTA. There are literally thousands of stories on here of parents remarrying and kids being hellions/resentful and kids not forgiving their parent for remarrying. Also stories of parents growing to despise their kids for acting out when a new partner is brought into the family dynamic.
That being said, the kids aren’t purposefully being assholes either- losing a parent, especially right as they were starting school and beginning to establish their identities as individuals is absolutely traumatic, and a VERY hard thing to bounce back from.
Will they be open in the future? Maybe. But because of their age when they lost their Dad? I wouldn’t bank on it. As sad as it is for you and your fiancée, her responsibility HAS to be first and foremost to her existing children. Is it fair? Of course not- not to her, not to you. But there is a very strong chance that if you do push forward now, their response will be to go zero contact with their Mum the second they can justify it. They will vilify her and you, abuse any half siblings and do everything they can to get things as close to back to their before Dad’s death “normal” as possible.
Walking away now, you protect yourself, and more importantly your future children from growing up in an abusive, unstable family dynamic, and you are young enough to either try find another partner, or to wait the 6 years out separately until they leave for college to rekindle and start your family then (if you go this route, be aware her current kids will likely still try and drive you off, but at least they won’t be under your roof anymore, and you can keep their half siblings away from any nastiness they try).
Good luck, and sorry it’s ended up a mess.
Have you tried family therapy? And has she really sat down with them and laid out how miserable she’d be if you weren’t there?
NTA. Stop “Considering” ending things, and end things now. They’re not going to come around, things will only get worse if you get married, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of hell – particularly bad for the next 10 years – and having a rotten home life that it would be abusive to bring more kids into.
I don’t care what a lovely person she is – and I’m perfectly willing to accept that she is – her kids are part of the package deal, and they’re the poison pill.
Save yourself, get out now. Also, the sooner you end it, the longer you each have to try to find someone else.
NTA but their mom is. Another parent who doesn’t want to see the reality of the situation and is forcing a step parent on their kids. Sorry for her but they come first until they are adults and she won’t accept it.
NTA. Of course she’s willing to believe her kids will come around. She’s not the one paying the price. You are.
Hope alone is not solving this.
Tell her to sort her kids out or it’s over , stop wasting your time . She obviously knows how they treat you and doesn’t care
Kids pick up on feelings very fast. It’s a package deal. You have to want them all for the relationship to work. You would likely be doing everyone a favor if you cut and moved on. Do ‘t go on a date with a single mother if you don’t want to “deal” with them.
They won’t suddenly change just because you marry their mum. My dad had an uncle who remarried after being widowed. His kids were all adults by the time he remarried (in their twenties). They all resented him remarrying and “replacing” their mum. They essentially stopped all contact after the marriage. Even though he went on to be married for 40+ years to his second wife and she was an absolutely lovely person – they never gave her a chance. It hurt her, especially because there was nothing she could do to fix it, because it was a them problem, not a her problem.
Those kids would hurt your future children if this must resentment is present.
You need to leave. NTA.
Are you sure she wants you for you, or for the stability? It doesn’t sound like she’s thinking about her kids at all.
NTA – 90% of problems I see on Reddit regarding blended families happens when relationships are forced, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case here. It doesn’t sound like you’re trying to replace their father, which is the best route you could take.
If my math is right, the kids are teens now? That’s always a difficult time and they’re most defiant now. As a step-parent figure in the house, you should be respected as another adult in the house, but the parenting should be left to your fiancée. The only time you correct them is if they’re doing something destructive or dangerous.
You’re not an AH if you decide you can’t deal with the atmosphere in the house, you shouldn’t have to put up with all the abuse the kids are throwing at you. Keep in mind too, that if you start having more children, will the kids treat them the same way?
It does not matter if you want to stay or leave. But do not drag this thing. Both of you want kids and be committed. If it is not going to work out go on your way and let her also find someone else. Do not waste more years.
More kids is the last thing she needs to be thinking about. She needs to focus on healing her children. NTA. It’s clearly her, not the kids, who are the problem.
NTA – these kids have literally wished you dead. Do you always want to be walking on eggshells in your own home? Will you feel safe having a baby or toddler who is vulnerable and unable to communicate in a house with teens who resent their very existence? I’m not saying they’ll get violent but verbal abuse is still abuse. What if they make a false allegation against you? It’s sounds to me like you did everything you could and nothing has worked. Your partner is desperately throwing out promises she has no way to keeping because she can see you’re on landing lights. It most likely won’t get better.
Finally
You doesn’t need to be accepted. Just leave that kids alone. Don’t try to be a parent to it.
You should go away. Your fiancée thinks of her interests by telling you to resist and hold on, but deep down she knows very well. They’re children so by the time they understand and accept these things, you’re going to take it again and again…