I went through my husband’s phone while he was asleep. Ik. Ik. I hurt my own feelings. But what’s done is done and now we’re here. We have a daughter and I found out his only fan habit went from free and non personal to messaging women and even spent $60 last month (while telling me we needed to save and I was out of body wash and conditioner for over a month, mine cost like $15 for everything while his is $15 for each bottle).. obviously I don’t work right now, I do have a job but I’ve had no help finding childcare. Our relationship sounds crappy but y’all, he can be the sweetest person sometimes. But how in the world do I bring up the fact he cheated on me last month?? He thought one lady wanted to call him 🤦 to me. He absolutely crossed the boundary into cheating. It went from just viewing to messages and payments. Two were $15 tips and one was a $30 post, the tips are what got me the most, like. I throw that arse quite often, why am I not being tipped?? But I just don’t know how to start the convo because he’s just gonna be mad that I went through his phone even tho he’s cool with me doing it with him looking (which I’ve never done. I did see ex’s nudes one day in the beginning while he was scrolling and went through it then but that was it)
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Probably not a good idea to bring it up because he can use it against you and make you the victim. But if you really want to then you start by saying something like hey this is gonna be difficult to hear but I… you say what you did and tell him what you found and ask him about it. Listen to his response and go from there.
You have every right to be super pissed if you ask me. When me and my husband got married we agreed to have an open phone policy and ik that is us and not u guys but you are married. You have a right to know wtf he is up to when it comes to a sexual nature, or really in life. Like I said this is just me but when you agree to get married, secrets are over! So tbh I dont feel you should even be apoligetic about looking through his phone.
Going threw a phone is missing trust.
This goes way beyond what you found on the phone. It’s how do you get out of this marriage that is clearly over and put your child first. Talk to an attorney, a lot do free consulting on the first visit.
Okay. So.
Going through the phone is never a good idea and it’s always going to make you look like a psycho. Anything you find will be turned around on you because “I can’t believe you went through my phone”.
HOWEVER.
I have done this and similar to my husband. Not because of other women, but because he had a really bad habit of lying to me about his finances. And I would always sense when he was lying, but I had no proof and of course he would just deny it. I only started actually getting answers when I did start doing psycho shit like going through his mail and logging into his online accounts by guessing his passwords. The first time I did and I found out he was lying, I sat him down and told him what I had done. I was very apologetic about invading his privacy BUT you can bet a discussion was had about what I found. And he promised to tell the truth in future, and then he didn’t. And I continued to bust him for it, and I stopped apologising. Eventually he accepted he has a genuine problem, he sought help, I supported him, and now things are much better.
Because truly, if it’s not a habit you have of looking through his stuff, then it’s an instinct you have that they’re hiding something and you’ll usually be right. Most of the time, if they weren’t being shady, you wouldn’t be suspicious.
If I were you, I would tell him. Confront him. Acknowledge what you did, accept responsibility for that, but then move on and nail his ASS TO THE WALL over the OF because HE is the one who has fucked up hugely and you have simply sensed he’s up to no good, and been proven right.
OR. Inner psycho coming out a little bit. If he ever uses your banking details or they’re stored on anything on his phone, next time you get a chance, switch his bank info for yours on OF and wait for him to make a payment, then you have a legit reason for seeing it on your statement and you can confront him that way. I guess his wallet app synchronised his payment methods across the apps or something 🥰
OR say your phone is dead, ask to use his, and then whoopsie, he gets an OF notification and you see it that way.
Honesty is the best policy but sometimes if they’re committed to a lie, play at their game.
People will hate but listen, I’m Team Go Through That Phone. Can’t trust these men to be fully honest. The amount of women that have been blindsided or just had a weird gut feeling until they found evidence on the phone with nothing else. Bring it up. OF is a poison. He’ll most likely deflect and at that point you need to decide how to handle the marriage going forward. He could become more sneaky in the future and try to hide things better. Or he could take accountability and be open to change and get help. Perhaps counseling, both individual and couples could be a start as well. Good luck.
Youre not going to like what I tell you but that relationship is heading on a downward spiral and fast. Look i understand that we as guys do have a habit of looking up porn and whatnot its not an easy habit to break but in his case its becoming an actual addiction and honestly has broken into the realm of infidelity. Its one thing to just watch porn or in this case OF for no other reason than to rub one out but actively seeking and paying for the attention of someone else other than their partner is crossing the line. What’s worse is he’s putting his habit ahead of the needs of his family.
He’s going to get mad regardless of how you choose to confront him, but you need to be strong and stand firm otherwise he’s going to manipulate you into thinking that you are in the wrong for going through his phone. He needs to know that actions have consequences. Demanding that there needs to be cutbacks on essentials while pouring everything into his habit is the first sign of an addiction.
If he wants to live the single life then let him but do not let your self worth pay to keep someone who is actively seeking a way out and knows what they’re doing is wrong.
What’s worse is he’s still has his exes nudes. Sure some of us will keep the with us for a while but we know at some point we have to get rid of them especially if oh I dont know WERE GETTING MARRIED! At that point there’s no justification for keeping nudes of an ex around
I personally wouldn’t give two shits about the porn but if he’s spending your joint finances on porn while simultaneously telling you that there’s no money for you to buy basic shit, I consider that financial abuse.
Me? I’d pull up the bank records and approach it that way. “Babe, let’s review our budget together. I’m confused about it. It seems like there should be money for X and Y so I’d like to see where money is going.”
I don’t consider any of this cheating. Those women don’t give a shit about him, they just want his money. They want it, you need it. So I think approaching from a financial standpoint is a perfect way to broach it.