As of right now I (Nb19) had to confront my best friend (F19) of seven years as she has been telling her boyfriend secrets I’ve wanted to stay between us. For some background context, I had met Jenny (made up name) in our first year of high school and had been best friends since. We grew apart a bit after graduating and moving away for uni, had a few disputes surrounding how little we hung out but it was always resolved. Something about Jenny is that she is VERY stubborn when it comes to her point of view, like she is NEVER wrong. Now to the actual issue, Jenny has been seeing this guy for about 3 months but they had only starting dating around 3 weeks ago. She had expressed interest in my being friends with him as she wanted for us all to be able to hang out. There is a lot of other background stuff that adds to the issue but there wasn’t enough space. This part of the story started last week when she texts me to say that she was heavily considering converting to islam for her boyfriend, explaining that it would be the only way his family would fully accept her. Also adding on things like “oh his family can’t know we’re friends.” and “if me and him get married you’ll need to ‘tone it down’ for the wedding.” this clearly meaning to not be openly androgynous and queer, I didn’t make a scene of it in the moment but it definitely hurt.
A few days ago she texts me saying she’s going to be visiting Aberdeen to see her boyfriend but also wanted to hangout with me, I had told her she can stay with me if she wants to save money as she is no longer allowed to stay at her boyfriends house as his family had caught them once before. To which she says that her boyfriend wont let her stay with me, meaning she had already discussed her staying with me while she was here. She sends me screenshots of the messages and it becomes increasingly more obvious that she only wanted to stay with so she didn’t have to pay for a hotel, not to actually hang out. The chats also show his lack of trust in me, saying i’d be touchy among other things. I asked her why he didn’t trust me to which she said: “Oh I told him THAT secret you told me because I wanted a second opinion.” I sat looking at my screen with my jaw on the floor, Immediately told her that she had no right to tell her boyfriend my business and she just shrugged it off. She texts me the next day with something along these lines:
J – Hey do you still wanna hang out when I come up?
Me – Nah not really honestly.
J – Are you mad at me?
Me – well yeah you fully went behind my back and broke my trust.
The argument continued with little to no useful developments, she had went on about how she wasn’t in the wrong for this situation and “Its not my fault this happened” to which I just left her on read, as it was just unneeded and I didn’t want to deal with her. I’ve relayed this info to many friends to which they’ve supported me but I feel like I need outside opinions. So, AITA for confronting her?
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As of right now I (Nb19) had to confront my best friend (F19) of seven years as she has been telling her boyfriend secrets I’ve wanted to stay between us. For some background context, I had met Jenny (made up name) in our first year of high school and had been best friends since. We grew apart a bit after graduating and moving away for uni, had a few disputes surrounding how little we hung out but it was always resolved. Something about Jenny is that she is VERY stubborn when it comes to her point of view, like she is NEVER wrong. Now to the actual issue, Jenny has been seeing this guy for about 3 months but they had only starting dating around 3 weeks ago. She had expressed interest in my being friends with him as she wanted for us all to be able to hang out. There is a lot of other background stuff that adds to the issue but there wasn’t enough space. This part of the story started last week when she texts me to say that she was heavily considering converting to islam for her boyfriend, explaining that it would be the only way his family would fully accept her. Also adding on things like “oh his family can’t know we’re friends.” and “if me and him get married you’ll need to ‘tone it down’ for the wedding.” this clearly meaning to not be openly androgynous and queer, I didn’t make a scene of it in the moment but it definitely hurt.
A few days ago she texts me saying she’s going to be visiting Aberdeen to see her boyfriend but also wanted to hangout with me, I had told her she can stay with me if she wants to save money as she is no longer allowed to stay at her boyfriends house as his family had caught them once before. To which she says that her boyfriend wont let her stay with me, meaning she had already discussed her staying with me while she was here. She sends me screenshots of the messages and it becomes increasingly more obvious that she only wanted to stay with so she didn’t have to pay for a hotel, not to actually hang out. The chats also show his lack of trust in me, saying i’d be touchy among other things. I asked her why he didn’t trust me to which she said: “Oh I told him THAT secret you told me because I wanted a second opinion.” I sat looking at my screen with my jaw on the floor, Immediately told her that she had no right to tell her boyfriend my business and she just shrugged it off. She texts me the next day with something along these lines:
J – Hey do you still wanna hang out when I come up?
Me – Nah not really honestly.
J – Are you mad at me?
Me – well yeah you fully went behind my back and broke my trust.
The argument continued with little to no useful developments, she had went on about how she wasn’t in the wrong for this situation and “Its not my fault this happened” to which I just left her on read, as it was just unneeded and I didn’t want to deal with her. I’ve relayed this info to many friends to which they’ve supported me but I feel like I need outside opinions. So, AITA for confronting her?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I confronted my friend for telling her boyfriend my secrets, i might be considered the asshole because of how harshly i reacted to her telling me this
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Totally fair to be upset. Sharing secrets like that breaks trust, especially after seven years of friendship. You did nothing wrong by calling it out.
she threw you under the bus for a dude shes known for three weeks and then shrugged it off like it was nothing. I would nottrust her with a secret ever again.
NTA
NTA.
Spilling your secrets to someone she’s known for three months? That is absolutely ridiculous. I feel like this isn’t going to end well if she stays with him, especially since he’s already being so controlling. You shouldn’t have to change who you are to suit someone else’s boyfriend.
And saying that it ‘wasn’t her fault’? She was the one who told your secret. How can that be anything but her fault?
Nope, you’re not the asshole. She broke your trust, dismissed your feelings, and then acted like it wasn’t a big deal. Confronting her was completely reasonable.
You’re NTA, and you might want to reconsider your friendship with her.
Any secret can be kept by 3 if 2 of them are dead.
NTA. I’m just curious what makes this person your “best friend”? Where in this whole 7 years of friendship did they earn enough trust for you to tell them your secrets? When did they earn the “ride or die secret”? Based on the description of your friendship, seems pretty well-sided to me.
NTA. She broke your trust, dismissed your feelings, and then acted like she was the victim? Absolutely not.
NTA. Jenny is a terrible selfish person and personally I would have cut her off but thats just me.
NTA, and on the brightside? You can wash your hands of someone willing to convert to a religion for a partner that’s a mad red flag
NTA. I’d expect life partners to share secrets between themselves. But she has been known this guy for three months and dating him for all of three weeks. Either they have moved along in their relationship very quickly to the point where they are partners (not!) or she did you wrong, big time.
Friend of seven years but you met when you were in high school? How many years of high school did you do and how early?