About 5 years ago, I was in a band with a guy I’ll call Randolf. It started as a Friday after-work jam session – we’d hide our guitars in a meeting room at our workplace, have a few drinks with the crew, then once everyone else had left for the night, Randolf and I would make some noise.
Over time, the jam session expanded. Our chief legal counsel joined on bass, and then he pulled in a couple of lawyers from other organizations to sing and play drums. We then found a practice venue and started doing some paid gigs and the odd private function playing cover songs. This was great for a couple of years.
Anyway, Randolf was always struggling for money. Our workplace paid him decently, but due to the fact he was terrible with money management and had child support payments to his ex-girlfriend, life must have been hard money-wise. I remember one occasion when he missed two power bills and lost power to his house. He said he’d spent the power money on guitar effect pedals.
When things were still good between us, I had to leave town, taking extended leave from work to spend some time with my parents. I asked him if he wanted to use my desktop PC while I was away as I knew he didn’t have a computer of his own and it would have been a hassle for me to take it to my folks place.
Fast forward: when I got back a few months later, I txt him to see how he was doing then to ask for my PC back. I said I needed it for work and gaming. He messaged back saying, “I really need it”. I asked again a couple of days later and then he ghosted me completely not responding to further messages. While I was away with my parents, he’d changed jobs so we didn’t see each other at work anymore.
2 weeks down the track, I was walking through town and saw him coming from the opposite direction. When we approached each other I said “Hey…”. He responded with “Oh, I didn’t know that was you texting me about the computer”. We talked for a bit, I then brought up the PC, and he asked if he could buy it. The PC was getting a bit older and was probably due for an upgrade so I thought, ‘fk it’, and asked “how much are you offering?” He said $200 NZD (which was a bit low) and he’d make that in two payments of $100.
Unless I missed it, he made one payment of $100 and I never saw the other. After this whole exchange, I decided he wasn’t worth my time and never contacted him again.
Thinking back on this situation the other day, I thought if I’d had this interaction with one of my closest mates, I would have just let them have the computer without a 2nd thought. But extending that logic, at that time why didn’t I show the same compassion to someone I’d shared tons of time and great life experiences with, even if I didn’t consider him as one of my close mates? Was this a serious lack of compassion on my part?
[Edit] I feel like the asshole as I ditched a friend I’d had for years over a shitty computer and a few disappointing interactions.
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About 5 years ago, I was in a band with a guy I’ll call Randolf. It started as a Friday after-work jam session – we’d hide our guitars in a meeting room at our workplace, have a few drinks with the crew, then once everyone else had left for the night, Randolf and I would make some noise.
Over time, the jam session expanded. Our chief legal counsel joined on bass, and then he pulled in a couple of lawyers from other organizations to sing and play drums. We then found a practice venue and started doing some paid gigs and the odd private function playing cover songs. This was great for a couple of years.
Anyway, Randolf was always struggling for money. Our workplace paid him decently, but due to the fact he was terrible with money management and had child support payments to his ex-girlfriend, life must have been hard money-wise. I remember one occasion when he missed two power bills and lost power to his house. He said he’d spent the power money on guitar effect pedals.
When things were still good between us, I had to leave town, taking extended leave from work to spend some time with my parents. I asked him if he wanted to use my desktop PC while I was away as I knew he didn’t have a computer of his own and it would have been a hassle for me to take it to my folks place.
Fast forward: when I got back a few months later, I txt him to see how he was doing then to ask for my PC back. I said I needed it for work and gaming. He messaged back saying, “I really need it”. I asked again a couple of days later and then he ghosted me completely not responding to further messages. While I was away with my parents, he’d changed jobs so we didn’t see each other at work anymore.
2 weeks down the track, I was walking through town and saw him coming from the opposite direction. When we approached each other I said “Hey…”. He responded with “Oh, I didn’t know that was you texting me about the computer”. We talked for a bit, I then brought up the PC, and he asked if he could buy it. The PC was getting a bit older and was probably due for an upgrade so I thought, ‘fk it’, and asked “how much are you offering?” He said $200 (which was a bit low) and he’d make that in two payments of $100.
Unless I missed it, he made one payment of $100 and I never saw the other. After this whole exchange, I decided he wasn’t worth my time and never contacted him again.
Thinking back on this situation the other day, I thought if I’d had this interaction with one of my closest mates, I would have just let them have the computer without a 2nd thought. But extending that logic, at that time why didn’t I show the same compassion to someone I’d shared tons of time and great life experiences with, even if I didn’t consider him as one of my close mates? Was this a serious lack of compassion on my part?
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IMO, NTA cause you said you needed it back and he ghosted you. Then ghosted you again after he had already agreed to pay you. If he couldn’t afford it he should have just explained that much.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took that should be judged is dismissing him as a waste of space, even though we’d had tons of great shared experiences together in the band and I ditched him over an old computer.
This action would make me the asshole as I valued a shitty old computer over a friend I’d made a long-term connection with.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You gave him months of free use, then offered to sell it at a discount when he tried to ghost you, that’s more than fair.
NTA. He broke contact with you. Maybe because he couldn’t afford to pay you for the PC, but sounds like you didn’t chase the money too hard. Or were expecting that much.
If you don’t care about the computer, maybe you should just give him a call
probably should have either gifted the computer or never offered it if you were not ready to part ways with it. Perhaps you were judging your former band mate for not being responsible with $ or his life choices that caused a lack of consideration on your part
NTA. You’re focusing on the money which does seem like small potatoes. However, his attitude and behaviors are what’s grabbing my attention. Essentially, he stole a computer from you – even if it was old. Then he ignored you. And finally, he stiffed you. == A real mate would have been up front about what they were going through and given you the chance to behave like his mate as well. He didn’t give you that chance.
NTA
You weren’t obligated to give him anything. Loaning him the PC was already a kindness and then he acted like a flake when you needed it back. Selling it to him was another act of kindness because his price was peanuts (old computers aren’t worth much but still) and you said you needed it too.
Maybe you’ve grown from the experience and would be even more kind in the future, or maybe you’re just being more charitable to him in hindsight. You’re likely forgetting how annoyed or disappointed you were at the time. Maybe you’re forgetting other flakey stuff he had done as well but it was fresh in your mind at the time.
If you feel like you should have been kinder then use that and look for opportunities to be kind. Don’t beat yourself up over that one experience though.