I (m33) been married for 9 years to my wife(f33) with one child.
For the last six months or so ive been struggling to find any happiness within our marriage…I do love her but our work patterns pretty much mean we live separate lives with each of us looking after our child.
I have spoke to my wife about certain aspects of this and normally she just blames herself, gets upset and then I feel bad for making her upset.
I don’t know what to do although I do know is I am pretty sure I cant keep living like this.
I am struggling with certain issues within my marriage and I don’t know what to do.
r/Advice
Comments
If there are aspects of the work that can be done differently so as to allow you two to be together more, then I’d suggest you two sit down together and find a way to do that. Otherwise you will just keep getting what you’re getting. You could also wait. Things change on their own sometimes, as I’m sure you’re aware of how much life can change in a moments notice. However, if you’re feeling torn up inside and can’t go on like this then perhaps this is a deal breaker for your marriage and needs to be addressed or you two might not be able to stay together bc that is what it sounds like the terms you are laying out here.
bro this isn’t even about blame it’s about the fact neither of you are happy and that’s not fair to either of you or your kid
Approach your conversation with her as a We vs The Problem and ask her to help you figure out ways to give you time as a couple.
If you both put your focus on your child solely, soon you won’t have much of a relationship at all.
It sounds like this goes deeper than the work schedule issue OP, think carefully and remain rational at all times. Best of luck.
I always start out with “I’ve been thinking about xxxxx. What are your thoughts? What can I do better in this?”
I often come across this situation with friends and young kids are a lot on a relationship. Take 1 day to just focus on you guys. If you feel this, I’m sure she is feeling something too, maybe it just doesn’t manifest in her like it does you.
Schedule in date nights if you can. Even if it’s just once a month just for 2 hours to grab a drink or meal together without your child. It’s worth investing in you two as a couple and not just as parents. One day your child will be independent and you both will end up as strangers / housemates
I’m 45 and have been married about 20 years.
I also find it difficult to express myself to my wife. I’m not saying it’s your issue but I tend to get gaslit or she steers the conversation to being about her. She cries. I apologize. I have high blood pressure, a nervous tick, etc.
If that’s the case, you need to reflect on if your wife is a narcissist.
Ok, now that the mental health check is out of the way:
Married life is about normalcy and patterns and yes, maybe even a rut. That’s what you signed up; stability.
You may need to change jobs or how you live. Obviously discuss it with her but a “this isn’t working, I want to change. Me. Not you. Me. I want to work to spend more time as a family and do more things together as husband and wife.”
Do you have any hobbies? Anything that fulfills you? Do you do anything externally that helps you maintain a sense of self worth and identity in the world?
I kind of found it relatable because after work my partner is too tired to do anything. He doesn’t want to participate even in family events. I’m embarrassed to think of excuses for him anymore. He works for IT, from home. He doesn’t care about household or looking after our child. I’m the only one responsible for school drop off and it’s getting harder because I’m chronically ill. It’s like he can only have one task per day and it’s work. On weekends he is recovering from work. I start to despise him that he leaves me alone with everything else. I appreciate that he is supporting our family but I work as well.
You need to make time. Now. You have a child together, y’all chose to do that so this needs to be addressed. Couples counseling immediately should be a no-brainer. It gets such a bad rap for absolutely no reason at all. People go and get their teeth cleaned twice a year but they’re not going to go see a relationship doctor with the person they love the most in this world? They’re going to change their oil on their car, Etc. The couples therapist will do wonders and help you and her not only reconnect but widen your perspective and your ability to empathize with the other person and then find some Creative Solutions. Someone said date nights, that’s great. That’s just the solution though, you want to enlarge your heart for the other person. Best of luck
Oh, you would be amazed at what you can live with, simply by changing attitudes and expectations. Don’t lose site of your wedding vows. Treat each other with love and respect. And understand that we all have a choice when it comes to attitudes and expectation. Not saying it’s easy. In relationships, nothing worth having is easy.
Have you tried counseling? It seems like a neutral third party could be helpful in managing the emotional complexities of the situation so you can hear each other clearly and what it is you both want.
Sounds like drift more than anything. Before tossing in the towel see if you can figure out a way to reconnect. Everyone gets busy, especially with kids in the mix. Set a weekly schedule for just the two of you to spend time. Don’t talk about the day in day out BS. Work on the ideas of what brought you together in the first place. Marriage is effort. If it were easy everyone would stay married. While it shouldn’t be complete misery there’s going to be ups and downs. At the very least you can walk away knowing you tried everything you could.
We went through those years when our kids were little. It’s a very daily-grind kind of thing. All I can say is, keep trying to spend little bits of time together, some of our funniest memories are having a quickie in the downstairs bathroom while dinner was cooking and he was getting ready to go to work. Make date night plans just the two of you at least a couple times a month. And know that these years will pass very quickly – the days are long but the years are fast. You blink and your kid is in his 30s. The harder years with little kids, opposing shifts and too little time don’t last forever.
What have you done to bring spontaneous affection or activities into your marriage? Do you expect her to carry the burden of fixing it?
She can’t be all things to all people. Have you tried a babysitter now and then to alleviate some of her workload? Is there a way you guys can have some getaway time on the weekends alone?
perhaps your life is simply
boring but you’re blaming your marriage
when was the last time you took a trip together without the kid
Sounds like the two of you are drifting apart. Very common situation. Hoping it’s salvageable. Like the others said, have “date nights” as often as possible. Doesn’t have to be elaborate or scripted, just the two of you doing things together and getting reacquainted. If you can manage it, a weekend away to reconnect on the physical side of things would also be good. Don’t bring up marital issues at first. Wait until she is comfortable. If she continues to use emotion to duck serious discussion, then some kind of counseling would be the next step.
Make your marriage a priority. Go on a date night. Go away for the weekend. Consider changing your work schedule. Obviously if you’re not spending quality time with your partner over an extended time, you are not going to be close. You have to feed your relationship to get it to work.
Talk with her. Schedule a weekend together just you 2. Bnb cabin whatever. Doesn’t have be exspensive. Recharge
Read the book “love busters”
I’m sure why you feel the way you feel is due to one of those six. Also humans are creatures of interaction, for anything to work you gotta spend time together honestly you’ve got a really easy issue to solve.
Cheaters, or hundreds of thousand in debt is one thing, a conversation and making time for one another is easy.
I see all these comments about leaving your child at home and doing things together but that isn’t always possible for many people. It is hard having small children but things will get easier !
You need a date night & a child sitter. How often do the grandparents get to see their grandchild? Maybe schedule a grandparent date & let them have him for a night?
If you want your marriage to work and last you must increase your communication, and you must make time to be connected.
I know it sounds cliche but most marriages fail because the couple just stop communicating. You need to find a good time maybe at dinner to say “I’m a bit worried about ….. but I need you to not get upset and let’s talk about this as adults.” If that doesn’t work you need professional help.
Find something to do together. As a couple. Start a garden, join a bowling league, darts or whatever interests you both. And remember why you fell in love and run with it. There are plenty of family oriented groups that can help build a strong relationship.
Marriages go through phases. 9 years in is pretty typical to kind of hit a doldrums. All relationships require intention and effort. You can only control yourself, so work at communicating from a place of love and respect for yourself, your spouse, and your union. Counseling might be helpful, but I would at least start with finding a good babysitter & scheduling some date nights to recenter your marriage. Good luck!
You means sex. You need physical intimacy to feel connected to your wife. If you bring that up, she might take it as it’s always about the sex. Tread lightly because it very well could make her feel insecure and not intimately safe. You’ve already probably made that mistake.
Invest in a good marriage counselor, date night babysitter, massages, housekeeping, etc. She’s probably exhausted and stressed and that does you no favors. Do not ask her to make any of those arrangements and you don’t need to do the physical labor. Put your effort into the mental load. Make it happen. Don’t ask a ton of questions or ask for a list. Make sure you are diligent and check the family calendar first. Make sure there’s food on the house.
Then, when you’re spending time with her, make sure you don’t put the sex pressure on her. If you whine or complain about the lack of physical intimacy or pout, that’s not going to go well. Be okay with what she can give without expectation. Then you might have a chance. If she ends up saying she’s too tired or just wants to snuggle, just make sure she gets the it’s okay message and mean it. If you act emotionally dead or ignore her and pull back, you’ve just made a mistake.
I’m not saying it’s fair. I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m saying if you want to save your marriage. Just do it.
But make sure you’re not the one being the housekeeper because then you’ll be tired and you need this to buy time for yourself too.
You may want to consider checking out the “Get your marriage on” website/apps.
My guess is you both miss each other a lot! The transition from just you two to the doldrums of parenting and adulting is HARD! It’s too easy to lose the spark and fun.
I’ve been with my husband for 31 years, our kid is 16. The last 14 years was HARD a lot of the time and we sort of grew apart a bit. We’re slowly finding our way back to each other bc kiddo is leaving soon. We dooo really love each other but it’s gotten kind of roommate-y here at times.
What I find we need is consistent, small ways to start feeling like our old selves again. So dates, sure, but when it was really funky, I just wanted to snuggle on the couch and watch a show a few times a week like we used to every night of the week. Or just going out anywhere, grocery shopping together or pizza was really nice.
We also don’t have family in town, so a babysitter was an expensive proposition on top of fancy eating out. Also the “big gesture” date thing is a lot for me when we’re not in sync. I need a slower warm up to get to where the date doesn’t feel weird.
We had friends who used to take off one school/daycare day a quarter and do a day date. That way they weren’t tired and didn’t have to pay extra for childcare.
What are some small things you used to do pre kid? A fast food place you both loved? A certain movie?
It’s sweet you’re asking. Be gentle with yourselves, those heavy parenting and work years just suck a lot of the time even when you love each other a lot. Congratulations, you’ve reached the “it takes work” part of a long term, loving relationship. 😉
Couples therapy
Man, I get it. You love her, you’ve built a life and a kid together, but right now it sounds like you’re basically two single parents who happen to share a mortgage. You see each other in passing, trade the kid like it’s a relay baton, and then go back to your separate corners. That’s not exactly the rom-com ending you were hoping for nine years ago.
The killer here is the “talk about it” she blames herself…she cries…you feel like a jerk” cycle. You never actually fix the thing, you just end up comforting her about being upset that you’re upset. It’s like trying to change a flat tire but stopping every five seconds to apologize to the tire for being flat.
Here’s the thing dude…you’re not saying you don’t love her, you’re saying you can’t keep living like emotionally distant roommates. That’s fair. And if you ignore it, you’re just signing up for more years of quiet frustration until one day you’re staring at each other across the table wondering when you became strangers.
So here’s what I’d do if I were you:
First you need to plan a proper conversation where neither of you is running to work, making dinner, or wrangling the kid. And you’ve got to frame it so it’s not “here’s why you’re failing” but more “here’s what I miss about us and how we might get it back.”
Then bring in a referee…couples counseling isn’t just for people about to split. Sometimes you need a neutral third party to keep things from turning into the emotional blame Olympics.
Bottom line is this isn’t about blame, it’s about recognizing that love alone doesn’t keep a marriage thriving. You’ve got to put gas in the tank, and right now you’re both running on fumes. And hey, if you guys pull this off, you might even remember what it’s like to hang out together without a diaper bag, a work schedule, and three layers of resentment between you.
You are not allowed to quit and it’s not right to give up everything because you chose to bring a kid into this world. Stay strong.