my bf(m23) and i(f22) have been together for almost two years now and i feel like we have great relationship. it’s definitely the healthiest one i’ve ever been in and i love him deeply.
but one of my only rules is that i hate porn and i don’t want him to use it, as it always ends up affecting our sex life and my own self worth. he knows this and has tried his best to stop but always ends up telling me that he’s done it again and it breaks my heart more and more every single time. this most recent time has honestly hurt me more than any other and i’m having a really hard time forgiving him and trying to move past it.
he’s definitely made progress and has even gotten a therapist to help him through his addiction so i know he’s really trying. i feel like i should be more patient with him but im honestly exhausted and i feel like i’ve given him so many chances already. everything else is honestly perfect between us but this one issue is eating me alive. im just lost and i don’t know what to do anymore
don’t know how to forgive my boyfriend
r/Advice
Comments
let it go, work through it. don’t throw away the “best you’ve ever had” over something this fixable..
I’d say he can’t treat his addiction, might need help. That said he’s being honest with you which is something. Not that it matters but I think your dating pool will be very small that say they don’t watch it and much much smaller that are telling the truth with that.
I think a lot of woman says to their partners they hate porn and don’t want them to watch it, is because they like to control the sex life the guy has.
If they only realised how men actually think and what we’re made for, instead of the selfishness they have. Ask yourself and him, what is he watching, and then figure out why it’s so different from you guys are doing, coz guaranteed it is different! Then figure out why is he doing it, is it because his needs and fantasies aren’t met!
I’m sorry, this sounds like a shitty situation. I do think it’s positive that he’s not lying to you about it when he messes up, and that he’s seeking help. I can’t help you decide whether this is worth leaving over. Maybe you guys can take a few days apart, to sort out your feelings?
Btw I saw a comment saying you should ask what type of porn he’s watching and see whether he’s looking to fulfill a fantasy he’s missing with you; and one comment saying this is about women wanting to control men(?): both are HORRIBLE advices imo. You have every right to not want your partner watching porn, especially if you know it harms your sexual relationship. A lot of porn also skews people’s image of what is normal and what’s not (‘barely legal’, ‘schoolgirl’, ‘step sister’ etc is all way too normalized in porn and is harming society at large). Many studies on that.
Good luck. Most importantly choose yourself and your own happiness first.
He’s a grown adult. If you have a jointly agreed established boundary that he’s continuing to violate because of a lack of respect and self control despite being in therapy, it’s okay to say that you aren’t in a space in life where your heart can be his testing grounds for figuring himself out. He may find a partner who is okay with it but if you aren’t, you aren’t.
You both have to set boundaries with it. Some potential healthy boundaries:
Is there a way he can still watch it while also respecting your boundaries? Compromise is key.
I mean, I also think there is some truth to the phrase “if you can’t beat him, join him”. (No pun intended 🤣). I.e. start watching it yourself. Learn some new things, etc. I’m a woman, btw. My husband’s porn use doesn’t/can’t really bother me because I watch it, too.
Funny story, my old girlfriend asked me to look something up online once and porn popped up! Very embarrassing for me as I barely had used it but was just bad timing. She expressed she didn’t really like me watching it, but understood that sometimes I just got horny and wanted to use it. She offered to send me pictures of herself whenever I got in that mood which worked for me! Not saying you have to do this if you’re not comfortable, and if he’s addicted then this is a whole other issue that he’ll have to deal with.
You just have to practice patience and understanding with your significant other. Many times addictions are not easy to stop.
At least they are trying. Many times relationships fail because people can’t stay faithful.
You can forgive them by forgetting about it and making sure that you aren’t wasting your time with them??
He’s being honest with you which is great! I also saw that you said he got therapy which is also great! It shows that he’s committed to getting the help he needs and fixing this problem. If there are no other issues in the relationship, and he truly wants to stop, maybe he would agree to like a parental lock on those types of sites, that way he can’t access them. I know that sounds so extreme but if he’s serious about actually stopping, it could be used as a tool to aid in ending the addiction. Drug addicts go to rehab to get away from the drug and be where they physically can’t get any to withdraw. I don’t see why porn addiction should be treated any differently.
Don’t tie your self worth and honesty to him watching porn.
I know the feeling. Being replaced by pixels.
Draw boundaries more narrow.
No porn on date night and day before
Agree on the content of porn. For example no hard porn
Not when you are home or even better no inside the home.
The thing is…
These days, most men look at porn. And I have the impression, at least, most women accept that. My understanding is that most women feel its not a problem as long ad he’s not choosing porn over you when actual intimacy with you is an option. That’s when you might be looking at an addiction.
A lot of people would say that demanding that he never, ever watch porn is controlling. I get that your uncomfortable with it. Ultimately, the relationship may not work because you’re not compatible. You may need to find a different guy (assuming you want to be in a relationship… thats not a must) who’s more willing to forego porn—though that will limit your selection a bit.
Maybe you should also be talking to the Therapist as well to deal with your emotional reaction to your BF’s addiction.
good thing you are not married. this might be a marriage breaker for some ppl. btw, i wouldn’t rec marriage ever if you want great sex, control, freedom and privacy. i know what i just said and what i’m about to say is /may be unpopular, but hey it’s still a free country in good ole usa. as for porn viewing, avoid pathologize/psychologize/demonize your bf for this. it’s natural for guys and/or females, but more socially accepted by males to engage in this kind of behavior. i think it’s b/c of biological-evolution. i think, our antiquated/rigid religious influenced society (although having less impact as knowledge grows) has an impact how ppl view human sexuality. thank goodness we don’t live in the medeval /victorian era, we would all be accused for alleged heinious acts.
a truly mature committed relationship means being their for your partner. sometimes making sacrifice/s. keep an open mind, continue to be patient as long his porn activity is not grossly and chronically interrfering w/his work, family, relationship, etc.. in fact, appropriate self-pleasuring has many benefits.
lastly, as an experiment, if you want to eliminate/decrease his porn viewage, ask him to self-pleasure 100x a week. better yet, chart it. my hunch is that his frequency for porn will drop. let me know how it goes. i’m using/referring to the economic theory the principal of diminishing return; psychologically speaking i think it’s called the satiation theory.
And understand me correctly with what I said, I don’t mean porn movies and fantasies etc which some men get addicted to, I mean just a simple mind looking at stuff, I don’t mean so day it’s correct , what I’m saying is that ment that are satisfied in their relationship will almost never need to feel like watching something else.
I completely understand this. I have pretty strong beliefs how porn is bad for the mind and have a partner who used to watch porn and has since then stopped (as far as I know anyways). Your boyfriend has you and if you guys have sex regularly, why is he watching porn?
Good for your boyfriend to agreeing to therapy and being honest with you and himself about it. I would say to keep working through it and continuing therapy, if you see positives keep going but if there aren’t many changes and just repetitive behaviors I’d say to just leave.
He needs go to therapy for his addiction, it’s extremely difficult to break addictions on your own.