Where do I start, I have been with my husband for 19 years, married for 4. His mother is the only living parent left. My mom died during covid from ALZ, his father died while i was pregnant suddenly and unexpected. We now have 2 children. But when I was pregnant with 1st, i held a lucrative healthcare career, my MIL told me not to worry about day are she would be grandma. Well turns out she didnt be grandma and help me. I ended up being put into a position to be forced to quit my job or be fired. I chose to quit. I received minimal help. She offered to help me with recovery after my 2nd child, where after 2 days she informed me she couldn’t be here everyday to help me. She has mentioned recently helping me during my husbands surgery upcoming for shoulder. She keeps stating oh I hope I can be there. I feel like she is just saying these things and doesn’t actually want to be there. Today she called me asking when my husbands surgery will be where I informed her almost 3 was ago they were looking in September but the surgeon hasn’t given a date yet. Then she tells me she has a trip to Italy in September like the whole month!!! I got mad, didnt want to be mad and get upset over the phone while she is in NY for a trip now. Told her it kinda defeats the purpose to be able to help us out. Hung up.
My husband said I am being a bit too upset about this.but, I am really upset about this! Im tired of her offering to help, knowing what’s going on and when it comes down to it. She is not available or plans so.ething else.
Am I being a jerk? AITA for hanging up?
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Where do I start, I have been with my husband for 19 years, married for 4. His mother is the only living parent left. My mom died during covid from ALZ, his father died while i was pregnant suddenly and unexpected. We now have 2 children. But when I was pregnant with 1st, i held a lucrative healthcare career, my MIL told me not to worry about day are she would be grandma. Well turns out she didnt be grandma and help me. I ended up being put into a position to be forced to quit my job or be fired. I chose to quit. I received minimal help. She offered to help me with recovery after my 2nd child, where after 2 days she informed me she couldn’t be here everyday to help me. She has mentioned recently helping me during my husbands surgery upcoming for shoulder. She keeps stating oh I hope I can be there. I feel like she is just saying these things and doesn’t actually want to be there. Today she called me asking when my husbands surgery will be where I informed her almost 3 was ago they were looking in September but the surgeon hasn’t given a date yet. Then she tells me she has a trip to Italy in September like the whole month!!! I got mad, didnt want to be mad and get upset over the phone while she is in NY for a trip now. Told her it kid da defeats the purpose to be able to help us out. Hung up.
My husband said I am being a bit too upset about perk? I am really upset about this!
Am I being a jerk?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> What i am asking, AITA for getting upset at my MIL for always flaking out on her family and hanging up on her?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Does your husband realize that his undependable Mother caused you to lose your career? The disappointment has never been disclosed to her and she’s always living her best life while claiming to “help”. I co-sign hanging up on her. No more sweeping her behavior under the rug.
So NTA. I’ve been in a similar situation before. Like, she wanted to feel helpful, and offering help was enough to get her there, so she feels like she’s done enough lol. If she had never offered in the first place, or at least been HONEST with her offer, you could have actually PLANNED other freaking help! She totally left you high and dry
After the two kids , and her NOT helping , I would think deep down you knew she wouldn’t be there.. She’s a self serving asshole.
NAH You (and your husband) should know, by now, that she is completely undependable. Ignore her offers to help and get help from a different family member or from a third party.
BTW, you really need to be more objective about this. I note an undertone of blame/anger towards her for your decision to quit your job because she could/would not provide child care. I’d note that it was your and your husband’s choice to have children. That you did not have backup child care for your first child is what resulted in this decision to leave your career. I genuinely hope that you can restart it when the children go off to school.
Likewise, she told you that she’ll be gone all of September. She has been much more specific with her life plans than you or your husband with your request that she keep the entire month of September open because “the surgeon hasn’t given a date yet.”
She’s already sacrificed and raised her children. Plan on her living her remaining days to their fullest and not on sacrificing them in the service of your and your husband’s life choices and/or convenience.
YTA for hanging up and being rude.
You knew that she wasn’t really going to be able to help, and that her version of help is different to yours, so none of this is surprising. I don’t understand why you’re so upset. You were never going to rely on her anyway
Let me clarify, my husband is on my side in all this and has understood what this has all caused and that this is also causing animosity between me and husband with her.
I have been distancing ourselves and not helping as much. She is making poor decisions in my eyes but I don’t feel like its my place to say anything. She is vacationing constantly and spending money 💰. She claims to want to help but doesn’t. It is a recurring thing really only within past 4 years. Prior she wasn’t like this at all!
Thats why I believed her when she first offered.
Now I don’t believe her. I get upset over the bs and wished she would just say she doesn’t want to be a grandma with family time and just spend rest of her life traveling. I would respect her more.
Yes you are the asshole for believing her after she let you down the first time. She is full of bullshit.