I (37m) have a twin sister (Amy, 37f) who I am very close with. We see each other and talk regularly (we live in the same town), it’s a connection that I treasure. Amy and my wife are very close friends as well – my wife has always understood our close connection and never felt threatened by it.
Amy’s husband on the other hand sends signals that he doesn’t love how close we are. He makes little jokes about how I’m Amy’s “other spouse” and things like that, just negative vibes, to the point that it’s in my head and I find myself creating a distance at times.
Amy and I are going to a family wedding together next weekend in Mexico, and our spouses aren’t going. We’ve been looking forward to it for a while – it’s a destination wedding with a fun group. Amy and I are going to share a room to split costs.
Amy let me know yesterday that she’d like me to keep it secret that we will be sharing a room because she thinks her husband will be weird about it. I told her that I don’t think it’s anything to hide but I won’t tell him, but that of course my wife knows. She said of course, she just wants to avoid unnecessary drama with her husband.
Should I agree to keep this secret and cover my tracks if it comes up somehow? It feels like participating in a scheme with her or something.
Comments
I think it’s a situation where you just don’t bring it up to him at all. You should think about what you would say if her husband explicitly asks you who you stayed with though.
That whole situation sucks. The fact that your relationship with your SISTER is something her husband is insecure about, going to far as him making jokes about it having romantic undertones really shows how gross and fetishized the idea of sibling relationships has become. Sounds like a great and rare sibling connection that you two share!
Probably a bad idea to keep secrets as a rule. Your BIL seems like an idiot if he is threatened by a brother. Unless you’re from Alabama he doesn’t have anything to worry about. A middle ground would be to not volunteer the info but if he asks you gotta tell him.
I would agree to keep the peace, but your BIL has some weird/creepy issues around you two being twins. I don’t predict that marriage lasting.
Y’all shared a WOMB, you can share a room.
get seperate rooms, no more problems.otherwise he will blame your sister why did she hide it, etc etc.
Its not worth it. Some ppl are dumb as hell, like your brother inlaw.
Sounds fine to keep it secret to me. If he’s just going to get mad about something totally harmless then there’s no point in telling him. Maybe say something like she’s staying with the bridesmaids to help overnight?
Also the ‘other spouse’ and the fact that he would be uncomfortable with you two being in the same room overnight makes him sound like a creep. You two are siblings. There’s no reason for him to be making those assumptions. If he gets mad and finds out you can just tell him that.
you should keep it a secret. sometimes, even if its stupid, you gotta appease someone.
even if it means not letting anyone know you shared a room to appease some moron who doesnt like his brother in law.
its not a scheme, its not weird, its not unlawful or anything. you are going to share a room for one night with your twin sister. honestly, if your twins husband thinks its like that then manybe theres a problem with him. he’s kinda odd
I myself think too many over share, so I’d say nothing as you have nothing to hide. If people ask, you didn’t say anything before as ‘it didn’t concern them’ and then there should be no drama (unless someone wants to make drama)
Maybe get separate rooms. But BIL has issues. Trust is important. Once you tell a lie or omit. You always have to come up with other lies. You tell the truth you never have to make up lies to cover the original lie.
Keep your mouth shut around the husband, but it’s time for you to set the seed in Amy’s head that maybe she needs to reconsider her relationship. If her husband is that insecure that he can’t trust her with her brother, then there’s something not quite right in his head… and it’s probably related to other uncomfortable issues in her home life. The stuff noone ever talks about. But you’re her brother.. let her know she can talk to you.
You never really know what’s going on in a household. Holding secrets saves lives sometimes.
BIL has issues. Get separate rooms to avoid weird situation with him.
She’s your sister.
Bruh, tbh, if it ain’t sketchy, no need for secrets. Keep it 100 with the dude. He might have his issues but transparency could actually chill his vibe. Easier said than done, I get it, but secrets ain’t comfy, especially if it’s really just about splitting room costs. IMO, act cool, drop it casually before it becomes a whole thing. Trust me, been there, done that. 👍
To be honest it sounds like your BIL is an ahole and your sister should divorce him and find someone new.
Why on earth is he worried that his wife is doing something with her twin brother. Twins are usually very close, they share a special bond. There is nothing wrong with that. There is something wrong with your BIL though.
Don’t bring it and you’ll be fine. If your sister wants to hide this from him there is a reason and you should respect it. Do I think what she is doing is right no, she should just tell her husband to stop being an ahole and shut up with the stupid jokes that aren’t funny.
Tread carefully.
Why didn’t the Spouses come with?
Your BIL sounds jealous of the relationship you have with your sister. Jealousy will make you crazy. I believe this situation is actually a very bad idea. Your sister may have just ended her marriage and endangered her life.
If you go to this function without his knowledge, it can be considered Micro Cheating and certainly grounds for divorce.
That is one of the PURE relation between brother sister but some people won’t understand that. Your BIL should appreciate that you are that close. I won’t hide because there is nothing to hide.
If he cares that much he can ask anyone who went if you shared a room. Do not lie. It’s time to draw a line and push back. Tell him spouses should not try to come between siblings. There are no ex siblings!
The next comment about you being the other spouse needs to be addressed head-on:
Dude. She’s my SISTER. Stop being so fucking creepy.
I would say you should nip that in the butt. He’s only going to get worse, might as well put him in his place now. Make it awkward for him, “do you think this is game of thrones? You really think I’m going to sleep with my sister? That’s pretty weird”. In short, fuck that guy.
Dude, ngl, that’s super awkward. Playin’ the secrecy game ain’t gonna end well. Honesty is legit the best policy, even if it ruffles some feathers. If u ask me, it’s time to sit down and have a real chat about boundaries with all involved. Secrets have a habit of coming out, u know? And, when they do, trust takes a hit. Do the right thing, dude. 💯
This isn’t one of those harmful secrets that I would normally suggest you don’t keep. This dude sounds like a bit of a tool so keeping it quiet to make life easier for her is fine in this case.
I’d go along and spare your sister a confrontation with an obviously paranoid, suspicious, jealous, insulting husband. And continue to protect and cherish a special bond.
I honestly don’t think I could prevent myself from screwing with a guy who thought I was banging my twin sister 😂
Your sister is in a controlling relationship.
Absolutely collude with her whenever she asks, so that she gets as much freedom as possible. Just make sure you say thinks like “Of course I’ll lie for you, but I’m worried that it’s necessary”
This resource really helped me when my best friend was married to a controlling guy. It took seven years but she left eventually
https://reducingtherisk.org.uk/supporting-friends-and-family/
I’d agree to keep the secret but more by omission. Don’t actively scheme and make up stories to lie to him and if it comes up just stay out of it and let her deal with any questions. I honestly can’t imagine a world where my ex husband or current bf would have any issue with me sharing a room with my brother nor would I care if they shared a room with their siblings. This is craziness to me. He needs help.
Your BIL is a jealous ass hat that needs some therapy
Firstly, it’s not your secret and not your place to tell. Secondly, she’s your twin, ofc you share a connection that she and her husband never will! He sounds pretty insecure, which is too bad, mostly for him and somewhat for your sister.
In the future when he makes remarks about you being her 2nd husband, consider squashing that right away with a simple retort like, “I’m her twin bro. We shared a womb. We’ve been friends our entire lives. Don’t be weird”
More importantly, why don’t you use this time to gently ask your sister how she’s feeling in the marriage and let her know that you and your wife are there for her if she ever needs/wants to leave. Most abusers isolate their spouses from friends and family. Even if she isn’t being physically abused, this control must feel horrible to her, hence the walking on egg shells and lying. Is she happy? Is this what she wants for her life? Many people stay in relationships because of the “sunk cost fallacy”. You’re already close. Be there for her.
If it’s going to keep the peace for your sister, I’d go along with it. Who knows what is going on in BILs head but I wouldn’t want my sister having to deal with his BS. If he directly asks, don’t lie but I would say what difference does it make? And maybe he should get some therapy to understand where this incestuous thinking is coming from.
Keeping harmless logistics quiet isn’t the same as scheming it’s just choosing peace over pointless conflict. If your conscience is clear and your wife is in the loop, there’s no need to hand her husband ammunition for suspicion.
Given your wife already knows and is fine with it, this isn’t a harmful secret but more a way to avoid pointless drama. You’re not hiding something wrong, you’re just not feeding into your BIL’s insecurities. If he asks directly, answer honestly, but there’s no need to volunteer it. Sometimes protecting peace means not giving certain people ammo.
No tell the truth and let her know she need to tell the truth.It’s either he trust her or not
Get two rooms. Have some respect. I can’t believe this. You can talk in one room all night if you want but get two rooms out of respect.
She needs to get away from him. He sounds like an a-hole.
There is a difference between keeping a secret and not volunteering information. Tell your sister that you don’t plan to share or discuss, but if asked point blank, you will be honest. Your sister needs to deal with her hubby’s insecurities directly and not involve you in a conspiracy. If she can’t deal with this directly, the cost savings may not be worth sharing a room.
Secrets suck man. I say yall need to be straight forward and deal with it one way or another. His insecurities are starting to effect your relationship with your sister. Its real fucked up honestly. Genuinely, you all need a sit down to handle it before it starts to fester.
Your sister asked you to keep something secret, so you keep it secret.
However, you both need to be on the same page, because you know the husband will ask. Your stories have to mesh – she was on the fifth floor, you were on the third.
Keep your sister’s secret. Your wife knows. Why cause problems with an idiot unnecessarily.
I’d keep it a secret if my sister asked. BIL sounds like a moron if he’s threatened by her spending time with her brother.
You were literally wombmates. Being roommates at a wedding is a non issue. Hubby can suck it.
Why is that a secret in the first place? You are sisters! I think both sides need to come to reality on this one
Keeping a secret seems more suspicious to me, it raises the potential for possible terminal drama. Just rent two damn rooms. If you can’t afford to do that you can’t afford to go.
Bro watched Game of Thrones too many times.
My ex husband tried to control when I could talk to my siblings, I told him that will not ever work. They are my siblings I can talk to them whenever and as long as I want. I would never tell him he couldn’t speak to his siblings. He didn’t like that. We are now divorced.
Your sis may need help escaping.
In this situation, I’d worry about your sister.
Is she safe?
What other things is he doing?
Has he been violent?
What other controlling behaviors is he exhibiting?
You need to have a discussion with her and make sure she’s safe. And don’t expect her to be completely honest. Most victims are dodgy with answers out of fear or concern for their abuser.
I don’t know why your sister’s husband is such a weirdo but assuming you two aren’t banging it’s his issue to get over and you shouldn’t have to adjust your life one bit because of it
I see what is likely an ongoing patern of behavior here that leads me to believe that your sisters husband has it just about right. Keeping the truth from someone who deserves to have the truth is called “lying by omission”.
The fact that the two of you, and maybe three of you are trying to sneak this one past him tells me that there is a better than likely chance that there is a history of this behavior. I say three because I suspect you’d ask your wife to lie to him if the subject came up. If she wasn’t already willing to, by the sound of it, you likely would have kept it a secret from her as well.
This is behavior that can lead to a divorce if kept up over a long enough period of time. It can lead to a divorce if promises are made not to lie and then your sisters lies again. If I had to bet, I’d bet that there have been many times that his wants and needs have been set aside because “he’s my brother, I have to (fill in the blank)”.
Why don’t you just do the easy thing and get two rooms OR better yet, ask him what he thinks about spending the addtional money on two rooms versus you two sharing one. Maybe if you bring him in, he won’t feel as much like a third wheel in his own marriage.
Yeah, Amy needs to do a much better job of managing her husband.
I’m not surprised you want to distance yourself from him.
I think Amy needs to confront him properly on his insecurities and behavior. Keeping secrets is just laying down land mines waiting to explode later.
The real question that is not being asked is there going to be 2 beds in that room. Also once a wife starts knowingly being sneaky about minor details is troubling I mean unless the husband is physically abusive or emotionally abusive or manipulative. The examples being provided are odd on both sides of this.
I think, you can keep it. Have your wife also keep it. But your sister and you should think of a way what to say and how to react, if her husband finds it out. Because, sooner or later, he probably will. Like, some other relative who sees you together going into the room or coming out of it and tells it some day at a family gathering, as they don’t know her husband doesn’t know…
Tell him not to worry, you’ve got a lovely big attic with plenty of room…
What an asshole your BIL is. There is no bond stronger than that of twins. You shared a womb – if identical you came from the same cell! He needs some professional help for whatever his issue is.
My gut feeling is he’s a deeply lonely man, and has no close connections in his life to share the highs and lows of life…. And he is taking his jealousy of not having someone to share those moments with out on you both.
Don’t need to be a secret. Just don’t go around telling everyone you’re sharing a hotel room with your sister.
Your BIL is a red flag. Please keep your relationship with your sister and don’t let this man come between you.
Keep an eye on him. So no don’t volunteer the information, in fact if he is dumb enough to ask you outright, don’t even answer him.
respect your sisters request.
stop allowing your brother in law to make inappropriate comments or innuendos. next time he says something inappropriate, call it out: man, that is your wife and my sister your talking about, show some respect.
if it happens again, let him know it’s inappropriate and needs to stop.
draw that boundary and enforce it. the fact that he continues to make everyone uncomfortable and that hasn’t been addressed is the issue.
You absolutely keep her secret from her controlling husband. You are her safe place. She may really need this if her husband is worse than she’s letting on.
If that bothers him so much, why are you taking the same room and not separate rooms?
It is not like you guys are expected to share rooms at your age.
Yes. But she has a problem she has to deal
With.
You don’t need to say anything ever for any reason. What would be the point?
You can encourage her to address it head on but if she finds it easier to just avoid it let her. How often do you stay in the same room with your sister in general. I don’t think
It will be an ongoing problem.
WTF? Her husband is demented.
Is there a chance that he will find out about it from any of the other guests, or bride and groom? Either from gossip or social media?
I feel sorry for your sister being married to such a controlling a-hole. I would support her in any way she needs you too.
Just cover all bases.
Your twins so it’s understandable you’re close. I think it’s a lovely bond to have. Your BIL is a jerk. Shouldn’t have to keep it a secret but I guess sometimes you’ve got to keep the peace. Obviously only so much your sister can take.
Is there the possibility your BIL feels like he takes a backseat to his wife’s relationship with you? Could she be crossing boundaries ( information/intimate details) he is uncomfortable with? Is there any chance his issue isn’t about a sibling fetish but about boundaries and feeling respected by his wife?
I think the group cover-up is a big mistake. I also think it says a lot about the state of her marriage that she wants you to do this. The question is, is she doing it because she feels controlled or because she truly does put you before her husband.
Why does she want to share a room? Why does that seem to be more important to her than honesty in her marriage?