My wife is very close to her nephew, I think she’s too close, she spends way too much time with him, almost all her time and in fact she even started neglecting me and I tried to bring it up to her a few times but she would just tell me that she loves our nephew.
I didn’t pressure her and I thought that since he’s the first son in our families she was just fond of him, normal behaviour towards babies from women something like that.
2 days ago, my sil told my wife that she appreciates that my wife cares about her child so much and loves having her around but my wife cannot make decisions about her child because she’s the mother.
For a bit more context, my wife decides what our nephew would wear, she buys clothes for him, she buys all the necessities for him and she even organised everything on his name day etc.
My wife said that she understands and my wife today told me that it’s unfair for her that she can’t make decisions about her nephew when she also raised him.
I said that her sister is right, the child isn’t hers she can be in his life and can play a significant role but decisions about him is her mother’s right and you are taking that right away from her.
My wife got mad and she told me that I can’t understand how she feels and I am making fun of her emotions and insulting her, I didn’t want to argue with her so I apologised without saying anything else to her.
But I don’t know if I am asshole for telling my wife what I think and for what is right, am I?
Comments
NTA. You’re right and I believe your wife needs to hear this. It’s a hard but necessary truth.
Your nephew is your SIL’s child and she is the one who gets to make decisions about his life. I have two nephews and wouldn’t even think to make decisions about them on my sister’s behalf.
NTA. Your wife is being completely irrational and narcissistic.
NTA and you’re right.
I’m not sure if you two are parents, but maybe she’s signaling that she wants a child if you two dont have kids already. If she had a kid of her own, then would be easier for her to understand that what she’s doing is pushing boundaries.
your is wife having trouble accepting the limits of her role but boundaries exist for a reason and if they’re not respected, resentment from the real parent is inevitable.
You’re not the asshole. It’s great your wife cares about her nephew, but the parents have the final say. Being involved is one thing, but respecting boundaries is key.
NTA at all. Your wife is completely out of line. And then responded very immaturely when you attempted to address it.
NTA. Your wife has an unhealthy attachment to her nephew. Acting more like a mother figure towards him than an aunt.
She really needs to learn her place (I realize that may be a harsh word to say, but this situation is dangerous for all parties) before it becomes a “hand that rocks the cradle” type of thing.
Having an unhealthy attachment to somebody else’s child is very dangerous and it may not be her fault, but if she really is that attached to him she should start thinking of starting a family of her own.
That’s not okay and I don’t blame your SIL for trying to get your wife to see this.
Wife needs to check herself and stay in her lane.
Nta
Youre part of the problem though.
NTA. Your wife needs some sort of intervention here — or to get her own kids!
Can you two have a child of your own?
NTA. She apparently needs her own child to take care of.
NTA.
You clearly love your wife, and if I was in your position I would start looking to see if this situation is perhaps a symptom of something deeper she has never shared. She will need both your support and guidance if that is the case.
Something is wrong with your wife. That’s creepy. NTA
NTA your wife needs therapy, not her child, better to her it from you before his parents go nc
NTA. Please don’t mind me but it sounds to me like your wife has some deep issues somewhere, and she may need to seek some professional help. I’m just curious did she at one time get pregnant and maybe miscarry, or something involving a child that she no longer has? I’m asking that because it sounds like she just has this unhealthy obsession with her nephew, and I think it could be rooted in one of those things.
I think your wife needs therapy to break free of this connection to her nephew that does not belong to her. The sister is right, your wife has gone way too far, it’s frightening at this point in time.
NTA
She is NOT raising him, and the fact that she claims she is? That’s actually incredibly concerning. She needs a far stronger reality check . She is overstepping massively and if she refuses to back off, eventually, her sister will go no contact. If your wife wants to raise a child, she should have her own. Not force her opinions onto someone else’s child.
Why does she say she raised him?
NTA
NTA and this is a huge red flag for potential mental issues presenting. Not saying anything crazy, or that I am some doctor. Just that it’s extremely concerning.
This screams that maybe she has fertility issues she doesn’t tell you about or that you aren’t shareing with us. Maybe some other trauma in her past she is using the nephew to work through, which isn’t healthy. Either way you all need to step in get to the bottom of this or you should probably just walk away.
NTA! Your wife needs a reality check.
Your wife is TAH. She is way overstepping.
Your wife needs to understand that she has no rights to that child.. if your wife continues to cross boundaries then her sister is within her right to cut contact and she will never see her nephew again until HIS MOTHER feels your wife can behave herself.
NTA. You were right by siding with your SIL. This is not your wife’s child, and her behavior and disrespect of boundaries is not acceptable. I get being involved in your niece/nephews lives (I myself am a pretty involved aunt and spend a lot of time with my siblings children) but this is not healthy for her or the child.
Maybe your wife could benefit from therapy sessions to talk through her ‘obsession’ (not sure that’s the right word to describe it but I don’t have another to use here) with her sister’s child. She needs to keep herself in check or risk her sister cutting contact with her and thus losing all relationships with the nephew.
(Personally) I would not consider having children with her until she has processed whatever feeling makes her act this way, both for her sake and the hypothetical kids’.
Okay. Care about her feelings. “It’s not about the nail.”
But that doesn’t mean she’s right. NTA.
If you feel ignored now, what happens when you have your own kids? Yikes. She is over the top. NTA, but I’d think hard about having a kid with her.
NtA. It isn’t her child. Have you two spoken about having children? Maybe this is her way of saying she wants them. Idk
“She raised him” ????? Your wife is fucking delusional and she needs therapy before her family (justifiably) cuts her off.
NTA The child is not your wife’s! She is a bonus but not the parent!! I think your wife needs a timeout to get her bearings.
Wow. She’s going to be a horrible mother, hope you are a responsible person and will parent your furute kids the way they need and no the way she wants
JFC OP – stop apologizing unnecessarily. You’re only enabling your wife’s emotional fuckery – namely that her ‘feelings’ dictate reality.
Suggest some counselling for your wife and a backbone for you.
NTA. I think your wife needs some therapy and time away from the kid.
You shouldn’t have apologized. You should have acknowledged her feelings, but then immediately pointed out that her strong feelings simply do not give her rights toward the boy that override his mother’s rights. Regardless of her love for him, she must accept that her role of loving and supportive aunt does not supersede the role of the parent.
You’re the AH for apologising…grow a back bone and tell her how crazy she’s behaving!
nta
NTA. This is how you get a restraining order. If she does not come to her senses, the sister is going to have to drop the hammer on her.
NTA. If this post was your SIL posting about her overbearing sister’s involvement in her son’s life we’d all be supporting her and encouraging her to set much firmer boundaries with her sister (aka your wife).
This is a maturity issue and your wife needs to get a grip.
Loving and supporting your nieces and nephews is great. Being a part of the village that helps support raising them is a wonderful privilege.
Understanding the line between you and their actual parents is important and thinking you somehow have more say or control than them is entitled and unhinged behavior.
Your wife needs to grow up and accept reality here. Maybe get some different hobbies. Or her own children.
But I honestly think she would benefit from some mental health counseling on this matter if this is leading to neglect and conflict in your marriage and her relationship with her sister.
I also would worry that her irrational and controlling behavior could lead to unhealthy attachment to her own children in the future and cause them a lot of hurt and harm as well. Someone showing this kind of immaturity and entitlement in her own marriage and role as an aunt doesn’t lead to healthy mothering of her own kids. She is who she is whatever circumstances you plonk her into. Girl needs to work through some issues in general.
YTA, but only because you apologized to avoid an argument. Shes the one in the wrong here, dont apologize to avoid an argument when youre the one in the right.
Your wife clearly wants kids but I find it concerning that instead of you two talking as a couple about that she became obsessed with her nephew. Troubling behavior all around and I wouldn’t jump the gun on having kids until you both sort this out with some therapy.
NTA. While I’m sure your wife means well she is being overbearing.
How old is the child?
Nta. This is wildly out of order. Your wife needs to figure with why she seems to think that kid is hers – talk about some creepy as hell hand that rocks the cradle vibes.
She’s never been dangerous to the kid or suggesting taking him, has she?
Think carefully about that.
I strongly suggest you talk to sil and ask her how much contact she wants with her sister. Whatever she says is now the boundary. If she says once a week wifey can see him, that’s it. She will stick to the boundary.
I can’t imagine how bulldozed your poor sil is because there’s something deeply wrong with your wife.
You aren’t the AH regarding your telling her that she’s overstepping with her nephew (especially since his actual mother has confided as much in you), but I feel there’s something weird going on here with you too. There’s something very creepy about a grown man competing with a baby for attention, which is the vibe I’m getting when you say your wife is “neglecting” you in favour of her nephew. That’s not really how relationships work. She’s not your mommy. If you want to spend more quality time with her that’s fine, and an issue worth addressing – but that has nothing to do with your nephew and framing it as her “neglecting” you is a bizarre, parentifying red flag in my experience.
I’m going with ESH. Your wife for her refusal to respect the boundaries of this child and his actual parents, and you for whatever strange dynamic is going here re: you, your wife, and this child inside your head. Something feels off.
NTA. But don’t you have kids of your own and, if not, are you planning to have kids? Because your wife seems really ready to play mom.😂
If I were your sister, I wouldn’t let your wife near the child again. Her mania is dangerous for the child. She urgently needs treatment.
NTA. You did the right thing. Clearly she is stepping out of bounds and your SIL is going to only get more frustrated with her behavior. It’s wonderful how she loves her nephew, but as many have said there are boundaries and she’s overstepping them.
They may start to limit her times with him, or not let her visit. Which all would be a shame. The love for a child from anyone is always welcome, but sounds like your wife may need some professional help. I don’t say that lightly. If she continues on this road, it may be a possibility. There seems to be something that is driving her to this behavior. I’m no doctor, but have been around long enough 80+ yrs , with grands and great grands. I’ve seen all kinds of behaviors with children, their families etc. I know in her heart your wife means well, but she needs to realize he is not her child, he has a mother.
Again, YNTA.
Your wife needs some help.
I couldn’t have children, but my sister had two boys. I loved them very much and spent a lot of time with the kids. But never once did I think of myself as their mother.
NTA Your wife’s nephew isn’t her child. He has a mother, and your wife is being insanely disrespectful to her.
NTA – your wife needs to speak to a therapist about her inappropriate feelings. Figure out where this is all coming from.
How old are you, your wife and her sister? And does the sister have a husband?
This conversation will have to be in repeat for a while. The correct person to start this was and is her sister, the actual mother. Her sister needs to start limiting your wife’s time with them and nephew until she gets the message.
NTA. You’re figuring out that you married a crazy woman.
NTA, since you were telling her the truth.
Having said that, her sister needs to create healthy boundaries. She may need to reduce the amount of time that your wife spends with your nephew. If she is using your wife for free babysitting, it is partly SIL’s fault that you wife is making decisions. When his birthday rolls around, SIL needs to plan the party on her own. SIL needs to buy clothing for her son and dress him in it (and tell your wife to buy less).
If SIL cannot make these boundaries, her husband needs to step in. He is their son, and they are the ones who need to address this.
I am an aunt, and my oldest nephew is very attached to me. I spent 50+ hours caring for him the first 3 years of his life. He’s the closest thing I have to a child of my own. On a regular basis, he has made it clear that I am his “favorite person in the world”.
I would NEVER assume I have any remote say in the way he is raised. I am not his mother. It doesn’t matter how special he and I are to one another, I am not his parent! His parents decided which year he should start school, whether to medicate any conditions, when he gets a phone of his own, and everything that is an important decision!
NTA. It actually doesn’t matter how she feels.
The FACT is that she is not this child’s mother. It’s lovely that she’s involved, but it doesn’t give her any rights.
It honestly sounds like she’s over-stepping, and her sister is getting uncomfortable.
NTA, but this whole thread is filled with hyper-reactive people who don’t understand shit about family, emotions, or parenthood.
NTA and your wife needs the reality check. Her sister did well to last so long without saying anything but your wife is overstepping and should take a step back immediately or she’ll end up getting cut off from seeing him. That’s would I would do anyway if that was my sister.