The other day my (32m) fiance (29f) was acting very upset and when I asked her what’s wrong she responded by telling me I don’t help her. When I asked what that meant she said she is stressed financially and that we should at least be on the same phone plan so that she can save money. I’m on my mom’s plan currently because it saves me a lot of money due to my mom getting a nurse discount, family plan, and other discounts.
I told my fiance I can’t join plans together with her until she can at least have an open conversation about finances with me. Her current part time jobs are very unstable and I’m worried I may be the one that ends up footing our total phone bill if she’s short on cash. I’ve tried sitting her down several times in the past to discuss our finances and set a budget because she was falling short on a lot of her expenses. She refused each time. I need to see hard numbers on paper like her income, debts, expenses, etc for me to consider being on her phone plan I told her.
I pay all of the mortgage and utilities on my house that she lives in with me so I feel I’m am helping her out tremendously in that way. I also help her out by doing car repairs myself on her vehicle and have saved her thousands by now. I’ll bail her out of situations here and there.
I am very hesitant to take on any more extra expenses at this point. AITA?
TLDR; My (32m) fiance (29f) asked me to join her phone plan so she could save money. I refused because she hasn’t been able to have conversations about her/our finances together when I’ve asked in the past. Worried this will end up as me footing all of our phone bill if I agree. AITA?
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The other day my (32m) fiance (29f) was acting very upset and when I asked her what’s wrong she responded by telling me I don’t help her. When I asked what that meant she said she is stressed financially and that we should at least be on the same phone plan so that she can save money. I’m on my mom’s plan currently because it saves me a lot of money due to my mom getting a nurse discount, family plan, and other discounts.
I told my fiance I can’t join plans together with her until she can at least have an open conversation about finances with me. Her current part time jobs are very unstable and I’m worried I may be the one that ends up footing our total phone bill if she’s short on cash. I’ve tried sitting her down several times in the past to discuss our finances and set a budget because she was falling short on a lot of her expenses. She refused each time. I need to see hard numbers on paper like her income, debts, expenses, etc for me to consider being on her phone plan I told her.
I pay all of the mortgage and utilities on my house that she lives in with me so I feel I’m am helping her out tremendously in that way. I also help her out by doing car repairs myself on her vehicle and have saved her thousands by now. I’ll bail her out of situations here and there.
I am very hesitant to take on any more extra expenses at this point. AITA?
TLDR; My (32m) fiance (29f) asked me to join her phone plan so she could save money. I refused because she hasn’t been able to have conversations about her/our finances together when I’ve asked in the past. Worried this will end up as me footing all of our phone bill if I agree. AITA?
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> My fiance asked to join the same phone plan so she could save money. I refused because she hasn’t been open about finances with me. I may be the asshole because I’m refusing to help her out financially.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA Never marry someone who is not open about their finances, it will end in tears. And don’t open any joint accounts until both of you have a full financial picture.
Your only mistake is pamper her that much. Now she feels entitled to your money, your place, your stuff and your help in everything she wants. Cut the flow and see how she reacts.
It’s time to immediately tap the brakes on this engagement.
Financial stress is one of the leading cause of divorce, OP. You know what’s really expensive? Weddings. You know what’s even more expensive? Divorces.
If the two of you haven’t had a frank discussion about your finances, you shouldn’t even think about marriage.
You are worried about footing the bill for your entire phone bill; you ought to be worried about footing the bill for everything, as well as taking on her debt.
NTA you being cautious about her financial situation is very wise. She doesn’t want to make major changes. You are already subsidizing her lodging – the reality is saving on her phone bill is the least of her concerns.
Don’t know how long you two have been together, but this is a major issue and I would strongly suggest you two suss finances now.
Slight E S H but I’ll go with NTA. Two lines triggered me here:
“I’m worried I may be the one that ends up footing our total phone bill…”
“I’ll bail her out of situations here or there”
Based on the way you speak of her it’s like you’re giving her charity. She’s about to be your wife that’s not how this works.
To your point she also does need to be more open to you with her finances, this is a two way street which is why I ended up going with not TA. The way I see it though yall gotta really look at this relationship before tying the knot.
NTA
Im in the US, I have a prepaid plan with Verizon that includes 15GB of data for $39/month including taxes.
You are already shouldering a lot of the financial responsibilities. I know this is easier said than done, but there should be no wedding planning until these issues are resolved, these are major hurdles to overcome. I mean, if you don’t trust her to pay her phone bill, how can you move forward with getting married?
Nta. She can work more hours for the things she wants, youre already paying for all of her needs.
NTA she’s living for free in your home which you pay the mortgage on… she is saving loads there. She’s bad with money and I wouldn’t even look at marriage till you both have clear insight and expectations on finances cuz that’s on of the biggest thing that leads to divorce. Shes seeing you as an ATM…. Where is her money going if she’s not paying utilities or rent or anything? Ask yourself that and think it over.
NTA. Keep the wedding on hold indefinitely until you know her finances (I would probably pull a credit report) and she has a stable job. Once you marry, debts she incurs are your debts. It seems to me that her financial “plan” is for you to support her indefinitely, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she is “unable” to find work once she has you locked down. Financial issues is a top reason why people get divorced. If you’re heading for an eventual divorce, why not skip straight to the end so you don’t have to pay for a wedding?
NTA
You’ve had lots of financial advice but that thing of acting ‘upset’ and then when you ask coming out hot with resentment over something that has never come up isn’t a healthy way to communicate. On top of her being evasive about her finances while feeling entitled to significant levels of support, it’s not looking like a great plan this marriage thing.
Her not being transparent about her finances is a huge red flag. Definitely pause on marrying into this until you know what the situation is. Also, her living at yours rent free and still having money problems is another red flag.
NTA, but the cell phone isn’t the problem here. Her lack of transparency on finances should be a deal breaker – do not marry her until you have it.
YWBTA if you go through with this marriage with someone who hides their finances from you.
You are already supporting her. That is not an equal partnership.
When you get married, you are tied together financially. I would be surprised if she won’t insist on being on the deed. She’s selfish and entitled and probably just waiting to get married so she can quit what little she does and let you pay for everything. Expect a baby very very soon
It’s not that you make more or pay. It’s that she is a terrible money manager, does not have consistent employment and is unwilling to be open and honest about a foundational issue,
NTA! Her habits will drag you down if you allow it. Think long and hard and then think long and hard again before you marry her. The minute you start thinking how much further along you would be financially if only…the resentment will begin.
NTA. I would assume she has a lot of debt she is keeping from you. Why else would she not be willing to share her finances with you? I would tread very carefully before moving forward with marriage. I would insist on knowing if any debt she has is old and being paid off or is she still accumulating debt?
Never ever marry (or combine finances) with anyone whose financial situation and habits you don’t know. She may end up destroying you financially after you are married.
She’s easily saving $2,000/month by living rent-free in your home. Would saving another $20/month in a combined plan make such a huge difference for her financially? Sounds like she has bad financial habits, and knowing from personal experience, those don’t change with time.
NTA. You’re being emotionally and financially manipulated by this woman.
NTA. But the phone bill isn’t the issue here. She is keeping secrets from you and you know it already. You will find out the hard way down the line though. Especially when you get a ring on your finger.
NTA
You need to tell her that all marriage plans are on hold until you have all the details of her finances.
This is an incredibly unequal partnership, and I can’t help but get gold digger vibes based on what you’ve described. Good luck.
NTA. There are plenty of reasonable plans out there for single use. Is she on a big name carrier? Move to one of the lesser names that still use the same towers and she’ll save money. My plan is $60 and I use the same towers as the big guys.
You won’t get a phone plan together before seeing a breakdown of all her finances, but you will marry her without seeing that? I think your priorities are a little off. NTA, but you shouldn’t marry someone you’re not willing to get a phone plan with.
NTA…What exactly does your fiance pay that makes her so stressed financially?
It does not seem like she has any home expenses, no rent or utilities. Yet she cannot pay a phone plan?
I not only would not do a phone plan with her, but I would not marry her until you see her financials.
You are right. She wants to not have to pay for her phone either.
If she won’t give you any information about her finances, she might have a lot of debt that she’s hiding. The money for the phone plan is small considering how much you pay for now. She is already barely working so be prepared for her to stop working completely after the wedding. What is she contributing to the relationship? Does she cook or clean or help at all? You and she are on different wavelengths, and that is a really bad start to a marriage. Look at your future and decide if this is how you want the rest of your life to be.
Run away. Now.
YTA for marrying someone that is financially irresponsible, and wants you to take accountability for her failures.
You don’t get married before these things are discussed, as well as before there’s a clear plan. Otherwise, you’re setting yourself up for failure.
Love is great, but so is peace of mine, financial stability, and basic respect.
Also, there’s nothing wrong with you being on a plan with your mother.
I’m 28f and I’m on a family plan with my mom, sisters, and grams. I get free HBOMax and the bill is better than what it would be if I had my own plan or with someone else.
Your fiancé just wants you to pick up her slack. You’ve enabled her lazy behavior, now she wants you to do it all with a smile.
Find someone more compatible competent and financially independent
NTA. Might be time to hock the ring to pay her share of the bills.
NTA. You’re helping her by giving her a free roof over head. Do not upgrade her up to wife if she’s not prepared to be open about finances. If you marry, you’re financially linked, whether you like it or not.
NTA do not do anything until you see her credit report (legitimate one), and her debts, make sure your birth control is working
Do not marry her until you guys have sat down and have had serious conversations about finances. Actually you know what. Don’t marry her at all. You pay for everything and she can’t pay a phone bill. Nope, she’s irresponsible and gonna bring you tons of debt.
NTA but why are you planning to marry someone who won’t discuss finances with you?
NTA, but not too bright either. You’re footing the expenses and bailing her out. Can you say “She’s taking advantage of me?” Say it several times; maybe it will sink in. Instead of being hesitant to take on any more expenses, you should be hesitant about marrying someone who has no respect for your money, or you.
Nta I’m under my moms plan because she found out if she added me her bill would actually go down $30 a month. So I don’t pay a phone bill but I do pay for insurance for all the phones on her plan. It saves both of us money every month and it’s a win win. I would never give it up just to get a new plan with someone even a fiancée. You have bigger problems tho. If she can’t even keep up with a phone bill while living rent free I wouldn’t get married or if you do protect yourself and your assets.
NTA. Don’t marry someone who won’t discuss finances.
NTA. If she is already relying on you for housing, there is no way I would take on any other expenses without total disclosure. If I have the money I will help anyone who actually needs it but they have to be able to prove they need it.
It’s not that you can’t put her on your phone plan till she has that conversation, it’s that you need to put the brakes on your engagement until you have that conversation along with some forensic accounting.
NTA but you if you let her get away with this you will ruin your life. It’s not sustainable.
NTA. You don’t have your own plan, and you’d be a fool to give up the cheap one with your family. You could help her find a cheaper plan for herself. I live in the US and am able to get one for $25/mo. That said, she seems to expect you or magic to fix her finances. She’s an adult, she needs to sit down and make a budget. If she refuses, then you need to think about how many relationships die because of financial differences. She sounds like a hobosexual, and I’m not sure why you’re putting up with that. Absolutely do not get a phone plan with her. She is not trustworthy, and you already know that whatever it costs, she will expect you to pay it all.
You’re NTA, but you’re also not the brightest. You’re about to get married to someone who is financially incapable. If you’re worried about sharing phone bills, what do you think happens when you get married and start sharing all liabilities? She can run up credit card debt and you’ll be responsible for half. She can stop working altogether and you’ll be on the hook for everything. Think carefully about what you’re about to sign up for.
NTA. Good grief you ARE already helping her financially Enormously, and TBH you absolutely should just ask her if she expects you to pay her phone bill as well as housing utilities, helping with car repairs, etc etc. Be blunt, because you payjng it is the only way it Would help her financially. AND you should absolutely refuse if she wont even let you help her with some budgeting. I fear for your overall financial condition if you combine finances if her solution to financial problems is to expect you to cover them. Does she have debt you dont know about because I seriously wonder how she survived before you provided her free housing. I would keep the phone plan you are on now, you ARE helping her.
She is not even paying for housing and she is short on money?! Her not willing to discuss is a big red flag.
I ain’t sayin she’s a gold digger, but…
My friend married a girl not knowing her financial status. Found out she was a spender with no money and went through his like Sherman going through Atlanta. Do not keep taking care of her unless you know what’s going on.
NTA – Don’t marry her for obvious reasons.
Why are you getting married? I get attraction and all that, but hun.
You two need to sort out your financial compatability ASAP.
She has to be open and honest with you, if shes got debts, a shopping/gambling/family need money issue, then you need to know before you tie yourselves together.
NTA
The red flags are flying.
You’re not her partner; you’re her ATM.
This will be the rest of your life if you allow it.
You need to make a serious conversation about finances a requirement before getting married AND before giving her another cent.
And if she refuses, end the relationship and start the eviction process.
You should NEVER combine finances with someone who can’t be open with you about theirs.
You should NOT marry someone who refuses to have these conversations with you, and you should NOT marry someone who gets mad at you about something they made up in their head that you couldn’t have known about because they won’t have the important conversations with you.
Put the wedding on hold and focus on getting healthy together, agreeing on shared goals, and taking a real look at what your lives will be together.
NTA
Forget phone plans. You should definitely sit down and talk about finances and jobs before getting married. Her unstable part time jobs (plural!) are kind of a marriage red flag. Why is she not working a stable full time job, ideally with decent pay and benefits? What’s going on in her life where this is her situation…? Is this kind of financial instability acceptable to you for a spouse?
NTA. Do NOT get married until she is ready to talk about finances with you!
I learned this is hard way.
PLEASE do not do this!
The fact she wants to start joining responsibilities together but doesn’t want to show her financial situation is a huge red flag.
NTA
Minor edit needed here:
“I told my fiance I can’t join OUR LIVES TOGETHER IN MATRIMONY until she can at least have an open conversation about finances with me.”
Fixed it for you.
This is a huge red flag. You both need to be honest about finances, maybe she has some past trauma about money for which there is therapy. If she never wants to have an honest and open talk about the money do not marry her and maybe even don’t live together.
Dude, you started cohabitating without having a clear financial conversation? That makes you the AH to yourself. That convo should have been had before moving in together and having ANY shared expenses.
NTA for the phone bill, but you have bigger issues my friend.
Nta, she’s hiding debt from you. Grown adult, no housing expenses and crying about a phone? Tell her to get Mint for $15/ mo
Good for you, don’t give in
NTA. Two things:
Don’t combine finances with someone you are not married to. Ever.
When someone is living with you for free, no rent or utility expenses, but still wails that you “don’t help [them]”, that’s a neon sign that reads GET OUT. She needs to be your ex fiance.
NTA. Hold your boundary.
Well… NTA
I’m not saying she’s a gold digger…
NTA but you need to have transparency on finances. Her resistance to it doesn’t bode well for your Future.
NTA
It sounds like you know your budget quite well. Maybe you can sit her down and show how much you’re helping her already? She will not like it. She will most likely take it as an attack seeing how she has reacted when you’ve asked for a budget. But if you introduce it as a budget which has separate columns for her already. With blanks for the things you don’t know, and her expenses that you already pay in a separate colour, or even better, as complete blanks for starters. Then you do it as a joint project. You show her how you find your numbers, she does the same.
But what is the goal?
I realise yours is knowing/feeling you share the financial burden. But at the moment the only one benefitting superficially is you as she does not seem to want to know how bad it is. So is it that the both of you can save for a new joint home? Save so you can afford to have a child? Consider what the big win for her is.
But no. You’re not the AH, but it sounds like she’s drowning.
NTA. This is much bigger than a phone plan, but you know that.
You need a few things before you can commit your life to her LEGALLY. That is the part that you are not thinking about. Once you are married, all of her finances are your finances. You need to know what you are agreeing to take on.
This is not a partnership right now. The “poor me, you should be taking care of my phone” manipulation is just that. She has your number and you are dialed in. She is well aware of the fact that you love her and your goal is to make her happy. She plays unhappy and now you are in a tailspin trying to figure out how to make her happy. See it for what it is. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, but you need to know for sure if she loves all you give her or if she loves you.
You tell her you need to talk. You need her to hear you out before she responds and then you will give her the same attention. I am assuming your goal is to find out what you are dealing with and be able to have a clear picture of what is happening so you can start to build a like together.
The you say something like…
“You know that I love you. I love you so much that even the thought of not having you with me scares me to death. Number 2 on the things that scare me to death are your finances. Once we are married, we are tied together for life, on everything. That includes our money. Here is the thing. I don’t care where you are at right now, what you have had to do in your past to get you to where you are right now, which is you. The person I love completely. I have no idea why you are keeping this from me. I have assumed it might be embarrassment, but I am only speculating based on your actions. I need you to know that I have got you. You are safe and you can tell me anything. I won’t judge you, I won’t be asking you to explain yourself, I just need to know where we both are at this moment in time so that we can start building our future together. If you’ve got 50K in debt, that means we now have to figure that out. You are not in this alone, but you have to bring me in. I can not marry you unless you fully trust me, and this tell me you don’t. But if you can’t trust me, then we need to have a different conversation as hard as it might be. “
She either confesses what she’s been hiding or she doubles down that it is none of your business.
If it is none of your business, you have no business marrying her because she is using you for your resources and once they are gone, or you start expecting from her what you are giving, she is gone too. There are only a few reasons she’s keeping this from you. The other is because she loves you so much she doesn’t want you to think less of her
Save yourself years of hardship and find out now. If she loves you, and you make it safe for her to tell you, she will. If she doesn’t, she will stay defensive.
You’re already completely supporting her like her father did when she was a child while she lies and hides things from you and it’s the phone bill you’re worried about? Please update me once y’all have been married a year and she has quit her job, stopped taking birth control, poked holes in the condom to get pregnant to baby trap you and does nothing but sit at home all day bitching at you that you need to get a 2nd full time job so that she can continue to spend all your money on her hair, nails, new clothes and a brand new car.
NTA. we had a friend who married a girl (we didn’t know her very well, we had met her a great time when they got married), and some weeks after the wedding we invited them to our place for dinner. The guys were in another room and I was admiring a purse she had. She promptly admitted to me that she loved shopping, had one bankruptcy in her background, had some new credit cards that were maxed out, some student loans, and he knew none of this!
She told me she hid it all from him because she was afraid he’d bail on her.
We told him all this in private at first opportunity. I think he was shocked and embarrassed because he got angry with us and told us to mind our own business.
The marriage lasted about 2 years. She wrecked him financially. He never could pin her down to agree to a budget or make and financial plans/goals.
Don’t be this guy.
You both are fully not getting that being married means talking about e v e r y t h i n g. And planning your combined future together. Why did you even propose before talking about finances???
ESH, get premarital counseling. Neither of you are correct here
You need to take a real hard look at things before you get married. My brother went through this. He found out after they’d been married for a few months that she had $50k in credit card debt, plus tens of thousands more in unpaid taxes. She made good money at her job, but had a huge amount garnished from her checks for the unpaid taxes.
She ended up being a nightmare, and they’re now divorced. But it cost him probably $150k when all was said and done.
If she can’t be straight about her finances, you can’t marry her.
NTA. Your take on it is very sensible, and she kind of sounds like a user.
I’m slightly concerned that you’re considering entering into a marriage with this person, when you very sensibly won’t enter into a phone plan with her…
NTA and don’t do it! Typically when someone is asking for financial help and has an issue disclosing their finances it’s because they’re being fiscally irresponsible and don’t want to be held accountable for it. She’s getting plenty of breaks from you. She wants to be taken care of. Keep an eye out for her. This will increase over time, more than likely. Think, once she’s pregnant, she wants to be a SAHM instead of ever working again.
The phone bill is the least of your problems.
You need to have financial discussions and transparency before marrying.
Do you both a favor: run a background check on her (costs about 25 dollars) and run a free credit check on her. All you need is her social security number and you will then know what she is hiding from you – and she is hiding something from you.
My advice: tell her that she has 1 week to decide to be honest or get out of your house. But firm. 4 days in to the week bring home boxes and start packing her stuff up. Trust me, she is staying with you for your money. She is a grifter who struck gold. You frighten her with being cut off from the money trap and she will first: cry and wail about why you are doing this. Tell her you want a credit score on her. Then she will move to how she is the victim and you don’t understand how hateful you are being. Tell her you want to see everything from credit card details to any rolling debt she has. Then the anger will start – she will either stop talking to you or start talking to your friends and family about how badly you are treating her.
Understand that all of these are simply tools she will use to get you to back down. My family was infiltrated by a grifter – gave her thousands of dollars. She knew exactly who to leverage to get what she wanted. It took 10 years to get rid of her. By the end she was showing up at Older Lady’s in our church, putting on the water works and getting them to co-sign loans which she never paid. One 70 year old had cancer and this woman scammed her for 3000 dollars, and ruined her credit score! I finally went to the pastor of my church and told him that she was preying on elderly women in the church. He talked to her, she kept doing it and she was made to leave the church. Don’t let this go.
Nta pause wedding plans until you understand what’s up.
Okay, you are NTA, but you won’t join phone plans with her, but you will marry her?
NTA. This would cost you more which, as you’re already helping her financially would be worse for both of you.
Also, don’t marry her until she can discuss finances with you. She might be embarrassed but married couples do this
Plus, it sounds like she isn’t thinking of you as a team just her…maybe a premarital counselor could get through to her?
NTA but it’s extremely dumb to get engaged to someone who won’t even tell you what financial position they are in. how can you envision joining your lives together if you can’t even share a phone plan?