I (24F) have a friend (23F) who is always late for everything. When we decide to get lunch or hang out somewhere, she will be at least 30 minutes if not an hour or two late. Even though we text and usually I don’t leave the house before I’m sure she has also left, I’ve been kind of annoyed at how long I have to wait. Sometimes I’m already all dressed up with my makeup done and she FaceTime’s me still in bed, just woken up.
I just want to make it clear, I still love my friend, and she’s great to hang out with. I have never considered cutting her off, but this time I am frustrated enough to the point where I may do something petty. My friend has just come back from being away for around 2 months. I’ve been really excited to spend some time with her, especially playing this game that we’re both into. I have been craving to play this game with her all summer, and have made it very clear. I’ve even explicitly said “I’m so excited to play said game” multiple times, so I feel like I’d be very clear at this point that this is something that is (as silly as it sounds) important to me and something that would make me very happy.
We planned to meet up today around 11 in the morning at her house to play the game, and at 3 we would go and hang out/catch up with one of our other mutual friends. She is currently staying in her family’s house, so last night I asked her if she was sure it was okay with her parents if I could come over. She said she hadn’t asked yet, but she would ask in the morning. I was a little concerned, but at that point her family was already asleep and there was nothing we could do about it. When I woke up this morning, I saw that she sent me a text and photo of her doing something around 5 am. I knew she would have a hard time getting up in the morning, so I decided to give her some leeway and call her around 11 to wake her up. She didn’t end up picking up the call, so I decided to just text her to call me when she saw my message, and that I would try and call her again around 12. Around 11:40, she texts me back. She tells me that her family is cooking a huge brunch, and that she has to cancel on me. At this point I’m very upset. I mean, she texts to cancel on me over 40 minutes after we were supposed to meet. And this could all have been prevented if she had just asked her family so she could have told me in advance not to come on this day. I was really looking forward to this, and she just canceled on me without even saying sorry.
Honestly, I just feel really upset and am thinking of just not showing up at 3. My friend said she could still make the event at 3, but I just feel like being petty and not showing up at all. We’ll have other chances to see each other again, but I’m wondering if I will regret doing this later. So, WIBTA for just not showing up, or is it a valid reaction for my friend always being late?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I (24F) have a friend (23F) who is always late for everything. When we decide to get lunch or hang out somewhere, she will be at least 30 minutes if not an hour or two late. Even though we text and usually I don’t leave the house before I’m sure she has also left, I’ve been kind of annoyed at how long I have to wait. Sometimes I’m already all dressed up with my makeup done and she FaceTime’s me still in bed, just woken up.
I just want to make it clear, I still love my friend, and she’s great to hang out with. I have never considered cutting her off, but this time I am frustrated enough to the point where I may do something petty. My friend has just come back from being away for around 2 months. I’ve been really excited to spend some time with her, especially playing this game that we’re both into. I have been craving to play this game with her all summer, and have made it very clear. I’ve even explicitly said “I’m so excited to play said game” multiple times, so I feel like I’d be very clear at this point that this is something that is (as silly as it sounds) important to me and something that would make me very happy.
We planned to meet up today around 11 in the morning at her house to play the game, and at 3 we would go and hang out/catch up with one of our other mutual friends. She is currently staying in her family’s house, so last night I asked her if she was sure it was okay with her parents if I could come over. She said she hadn’t asked yet, but she would ask in the morning. I was a little concerned, but at that point her family was already asleep and there was nothing we could do about it. When I woke up this morning, I saw that she sent me a text and photo of her doing something around 5 am. I knew she would have a hard time getting up in the morning, so I decided to give her some leeway and call her around 11 to wake her up. She didn’t end up picking up the call, so I decided to just text her to call me when she saw my message, and that I would try and call her again around 12. Around 11:40, she texts me back. She tells me that her family is cooking a huge brunch, and that she has to cancel on me. At this point I’m very upset. I mean, she texts to cancel on me over 40 minutes after we were supposed to meet. And this could all have been prevented if she had just asked her family so she could have told me in advance not to come on this day. I was really looking forward to this, and she just canceled on me without even saying sorry.
Honestly, I just feel really upset and am thinking of just not showing up at 3. My friend said she could still make the event at 3, but I just feel like being petty and not showing up at all. We’ll have other chances to see each other again, but I’m wondering if I will regret doing this later. So, WIBTA for just not showing up, or is it a valid reaction for my friend always being late?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I might be the asshole if I don’t show up because just because my friend does something I don’t like doesn’t mean I should too. It is something that is very petty, and could make her super upset at me. Not showing up could throw everybody’s plans, even if I feel like it is valid for her canceling our plans.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You wouldn’t be a huge AH for skipping, but it’s definitely more “petty payback” than a real solution. If you’re genuinely hurt, it’s better to just tell her, “Hey, I was really looking forward to this and I’m frustrated you cancelled last minute,” rather than ghosting the 3 pm meetup. That way she knows it’s an ongoing problem instead of thinking you just flaked for no reason.
If she’s been doing this for months and you’ve told her how much you’ve been looking forward to this, I think you’re totally justified in not wanting to rearrange your day for her again. At some point people need to respect your time
NTA, but I don’t think that would be the way to approach things.
You would be punishing your mutual friends by not going to the 3pm event. They haven’t done anything or played any part in this.
Have you raised with your friend how frustrating you find her behaviour?
I would do that and give her a chance to reform. If she doesn’t, stop making plans with her. Only see her at things your wider friend group is attending.
NTA if you do. She doesnt value your time and didn’t even say sorry. Is she really your friend? You may have to reconsider your friendship
ESH
Your friend should learn to manage her time but you not showing up to an event without canceling doesn’t make anything better for either of you.
YWBTA
call her out for her disrespect and hopefully the both of you can grow up.
ESH, your friend for obvious reasons, but you (to yourself) for enabling her behavior. Your friend needs a consequence to her actions. You’ve let her get away with showing up hours late and still continuing as planned. I would go meet your mutual friend at 3pm and when your friend is inevitably late, tell her that you’re sorry that she missed both of you, but you’re going to proceed with your plans (without her). Ongoing, maybe she gets a 10 minute grace period, but if she doesn’t respect your time, she doesn’t respect you.
ESH.
NTA, (more like not the biggest asshole in the whole situation) but I do think you would regret doing it later. Also, if you enjoy petty revenge, consider how you will no longer have a clean cut blame to point with when you get back at her with the same medicine. Consider, if you still show up at 3, that you will have the power in a mature conversation about her inconsiderate behavior given that you *didn’t* do something that could be circled in red as well. It still gives you the little shiver of pleasure in the end, and one with less regret.
Petty feels good sometimes, but the type of message-through-my-absence or message-through-my-silence doesn’t actually hit as hard, because, in this case, 1) the people at the mutual friend hangout still have each other and you are the one missing out, 2) if you are not there to govern the way the ignoring or ghosting is received, it can be a looooot more inflammatory in proportion to the emotional payoff of getting the upperhand for once.
YWBTA if you just don’t show. If you no longer want to go, don’t, but let her know why. Part of being friends is being able to be honest about how you feel and know that they care when they have hurt you.
You could send a message that calls out her behaviour, how you feel, but doesn’t attach blame, doesn’t trigger a huge defensive outburst, but hopefully helps her empathize with how she’s been treating you all these years without a thought in the world about your time or how it affects you. Something like…
“I have decided to skip our hang out later today. I have tried to shake things off and move on, but I am just feeling crappy about how things went down this morning. Again, while I am waiting for you i find that I was not even a thought for you. I am ready and excited and you are sleeping…and then cancelling. I think if this was the first time, or even something that happened occasionally it wouldn’t bother me so much, but I am always waiting, always feeling like I am just not a priority, and today, for some reason I am not able to let it go. I’m sorry, but I am going to sit this one out and we can catch up later. I do think it is time we had a chat about things, so let’s make a plan for later this week. “
You apologize for ditching her, you tell her why, without saying anything about why she does it, no accusations or assumptions. The why is not relevant and it gives them a chance to defend their actions.
It is not okay to disrespect someone consistently for years and expect that they will just always take it. Everyone has a breaking point and you just found yours.
When you do talk to her, stick to the facts and how you feel. Ask for the change you want. The why doesn’t matter, it’s an excuse.
YTA, keep your commitments as that is your standard and fair to your other friend. If she’s not ready, suggest to mutual friend you go somewhere else. Tell them if she’s more than fifteen minutes late it’s plan b. From now on, tell your friend if she’s more than fifteen minutes late, you’ll go do something else as you’re not up for being cancelled on or waiting an hour or two.
I think both of you guys needed to talk about each others time/schedule. There are people who gets easily lost in time or forgetful or they’re always busy, maybe that’s just her. So next time yall wanna hangout, talk to her, make plans with everyone, communicate straightforwardly. Avoid ditching, if y’all are true friends, be considerate to each other
ESH. Resentment is fed when you avoid hard conversations. It’s what drives you to want to retaliate. Be honest with her about how you feel when she cancels on you.
YWBTA. 2 wrongs do not make a right. I think we’ve all had a friend like this, if not still have them (I’ve still got a couple and some family members like this). Easiest way to deal with them is either tell them to meet you earlier than you really want to meet, so if you want to meet at 3 tell them to meet you at 2:30 at least. Alternatively let them know that you’ll only wait for a set amount of time. Mine is 15 minutes. If you’re not there within 15 minutes of me arriving then I’m gone.