For context: I’m 18y F who has a 24y M older brother who is intellectually disabled. He has the mentality of a 6 year old child but the physical strength of a 24 year old grown man. He cannot speaks so he just grunts and yells to express himself, and he also has heavy autism too.
Now I love my older brother don’t get me wrong, but for the past 4 years it’s been absolute hell I won’t lie.
1. He’s really violent and throws massive fits of rage if he can’t get what he wants (e.g watching YouTube) to the point if we try and calm him down or stop him, we either end up with a bloody nose, bruises and scratches everywhere or all the above.
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He DOES NOT sleep until 4am EVERYDAY of the week. He stomps around the house, turns on all the lights, opens doors and worst of all he runs out of the house in the middle of the night at random and then ring the bell to signal us to let him in (FYI AT 4am in the morning).
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He is also entering the stage (as many do in their puberty) where he has developed natural male behaviour, however he severely lacks the awareness of how to express it and he has been trying to touch me inappropriately or peep at me when I’m changing or showering and it’s really making it difficult for me.
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My mum and dad are reaching their 60s and both of them have health concerns that worry me. My mum has an autoimmune disease and my dad has severe back issues. I worry that with their declining energy and health, it will just become unmanageable for them to take care of my brother.
Now the three things I have listed aren’t even all the reasons as to why he has made everyone’s life increasingly difficult for the past few years.
I can’t sleep, can’t rest in peace, can’t study in peace, can’t talk to my family members in peace without him suddenly needing help for a small irrelevant thing like fluffing up his pillows. I’m so sick of it. Every decision, every action revolves around him.
Eventually I got so sick of it I asked my mum if she ever considered sending him to a care facility or feeding him prescribed medication to soften his anger, even if it’s temporary just we can all take a breather and recuperate. She got really mad at me saying that is incredibly selfish and ignorant of me to say and told me if I’m sick of it that I should be the one to move out. She said as family no matter how hard it is and even if we get hurt we stick together and sacrifice for each other at whatever cost. I felt so hurt at that moment.
From the day I was born, I’ve lived with someone like him in my life. I understand the basis of where my mum is coming from. I recently got diagnosed with insomnia and anxiety, I’ve also started subconsciously locking my doors and not wearing anything that shows my skin because I worry my brother will do something, even thought he most likely won’t. I truly do want the best for my brother and for the rest of my family, but I don’t want that to come at the expense of myself.
Now I don’t want to go on and on but I assume you get the point, am I the asshole for voicing my opinions?
Comments
Facilities exist to provide specialized support, therapy, and safety for people with disabilities and to give families relief. It’s about meeting everyone’s needs, not getting rid of him.
NTA, it is extremely worrying how little concern they have for you, especially as a younger FEMALE since your brother has shown interest. He may or may not do something, but the uncertainty in itself is heavily scary. Plus the violence? Is it not better to get him into a facility while they are alive so they can help him? They can make sure it’s a good one and make sure the facility know how to help him and help him settle in? What are they planning for when they pass or is so old that a beating is gonna send them to the hospital or a facility? You become brittle as you age and definitely can’t take hits as when you was younger when you’re near death door. Or do they plan for him to move in with you? Like this is some serious things that need to be discussed before it comes to that point. And maybe a facility would even be beneficial for him as they have the staff and the help that can help him in the daily and don’t get burn out
Hon. All other things aside, you should probably take your mom’s suggestion and move out. You see that part about “Family sticks together and sacrifices for each other”? They are setting you up to be his carer. Start distancing yourself and working to separate your life now so you have a solid foundation when you clearly tell them “I am not giving up my life to care for him”.
No, you’re not wrong it’s totally normal to ask for some peace in your own house. Your brother is disabled, but your parents aren’t taking into consideration that his actions might even hurt him. The fact that they just leave him by himself probably means they don’t want to get too involved and are tired of dealing with it all.
Ik it’s hard but i would recommend looking for a college in another city or living in a dorm. If your parents don’t care about your safety (whether mental or physical) you shouldn’t feel obligated to care about theirs either. You shouldn’t sacrifice your well-being for anyone. Maybe some time away from them will help you sort out your own issues (anxiety etc).
You need to sit your parents down and point blank ask them what there plans are for his care when they die or become to disabled to care for him on a daily basis. I strongly suspect YOU are their backup plan. You need to make it ABSOLUTELY clear that is not going to be an option and if they truly love him and want him cared for they need to start the process for finding him long term care NOW.
NTA. This is on your mom for not giving him his prescribed meds!
NTA I’m so sorry. Do you have anyone else you can live with? Or the possibility of moving out?
At some point, you need to make a decision and if you aren’t willing to care for your brother in the future when they can’t so they can make plans. They may not have the money for a care facility.
Not only are you NTA, but its also neglectful towards you if this has been what your life’s like since you were 14yo…
Sorry dear, but your parents have made their stance very clear in these past years… 🙁
What’s selfish is not providing care to a severely disabled adult offspring and letting him endanger your other adult offspring. If your parents are ill and can’t provide the care he needs, moving him to a home is the kindest option. It’s appalling she won’t even consider giving him medication to help with his worst symptoms.
If you have supportive family in the area, you should ask about moving in with them. Or get a job and see about moving in with friends.
Try to find a college far away from your family and see about getting a work-study or other program.
NTA
NTA- As a parent I can’t imagine how hard that would be. Honestly he will be better cared for in specialized facility than at home. That is how I would frame the conversation. And yes if she doesn’t you should definitely move out.
Your parents are grooming you to be theirs AND his carer. Take her advice and move out…. move FAR away. Honestly, it will be hard at first, but it will be easier than spending your life trapped in a house of fear. Please don’t be afraid to call the cops on your brother if he physically hurts you either. Nta
NTA
If you’re in the USA then call adult protective services tell them everything you’ve told us.
Explain that you are in fear of your safety and the safety of your parents, tell them that your parents are neglecting his medical health by refusing to have the doctors evaluate him to see if he needs medication to help with his emotional regulation, and that they’re refusing to consider a care facility for his and everyone else’s safety.
NTA my strong advice is move out ASAP,
NTA – your mother is not getting him the care he medically needs, causing him to be a danger to himself and those around him.
Updateme!
Your mom is incredibly wrong about this. She’s choosing to let one child assault and torture the other. Fuck that. Move out.
NTA. It’s time you move out. If you want to be proactive, you could look into different facilities and options for your brother.
If you approach it with your family again, especially your mother, you might discuss the benefits… he’d live with folks who’d take him out and about, he’d have the chance to make friends, he might learn new skills and be happier with his life. The time to move him is when the people who love him can visit frequently and support him.
No and so sorry for you.
Your mom is in denial and cannot see clearly that they are not equipped to properly care for your brother. They are fostering the worst case scenario instead of the best.
And she is sacrificing you as well as your dad and your brother to address her own guilt and fears.
Unfortunately, along with all of the trauma you have experienced with this difficult situation, which is overwhelming your parents and they have not taken care of you, it is a severe disservice to your brother to have him in an unregulated environment where he doesn’t even get the support he needs to manage reasonably well. You need to leave as soon as you possibly can and if you want to be in touch with your parents, when they talk about the situation with him you can just smile and say “that must be really difficult. What is your plan?” And then go about your life. And let them face their consequences.
Start with moving out.
Your parents are not doing him or themselves any favors and his behavior will worsen
Nta and keep advocating for somewhere safer and please remind them that you will not be his caregiver in any way shape or form. It would not be safe
NTA Move out before you get hurt.
Get out as soon as you can and never go back except to visit once or twice a year. Your parents will be expecting you to give up your life to take over as his carer.
Your parents have failed him utterly. He should have been in the system since his issues became apparent, with specialised day centers and residential care. He’d have got the care and assessment he needed, instead of basically being left to grow up feral. Your parents tried to do the old fashioned “family takes care of family” but that always ends badly if it’s not done with professional guidance.
You need to stay strong, and be aware you’ll be painted as the bad guy abandoning them when they need you. It’s a lie, but guilt tripping is a common tactic. Make no mistake, if you don’t break away completely you are signing up for a life of indentured servitude. You will have no partner, children, career or life. Your entire existence will be as an extention of ypur brother. You’ll know no freedom or joy until the day he dies, and you’ll be an old woman with nothing.
Please get out however you can. They are settting you up to care them and him when they are done.
Get out and stay out. Don’t get sucked back in. Call adult Protective services. Call in a welfare check so someone can get him evaluated
it would actually be good for your brother to go there as soon as possible, so he can become comfortable with it. Because it’s going to happen.
I’m sorry. I didn’t have the same experience as you but I had a sibling that took all of my mom’s attention. It wasn’t until I was in my 20’s that my mom realized how neglected I was. I learned to work hard and depend on myself. I found a great support system. My brother passed away so things are much different. But I know how much it can hurt to have your needs ignored because someone else has greater needs. You get to choose your future. You can choose to get into therapy for your diagnoses and learn to thrive.
Move out. Find job place with 20000 roomates and move out dont look back you will be happier
You aren’t safe. First and foremost you need to look after your own wellbeing because your parents failed to.
They also failed your brother by not giving him the support he clearly needs. People at that level of intellectual disability need external support to stay safe. If police are called because a neighbour hears screaming, burst in to find your brother attacking you or anyone else, they aren’t going to think twice about taking him down. Disability or no disability.
Start asking around relatives or friends who’ll let you stay. Make it clear that you’re being sexually assaulted by your brother and your parents aren’t able or willing to enact measures to protect you. Understanding the situation will hopefully make others help you make arrangements urgently. Tell your mum you’re terrified of being raped in your own home. That she’s done nothing to protect you from getting groped and spied on while naked/undressed. That she has neglected her youngest without exploring all options for her eldest.
NTA -Coming from a disabled autistic adult with relatives who needed high support. What you’re going through is unacceptable and your parents pride means fuck all compared to your mental and physical safety.
Your parents are expecting you to take over his care. They don’t care about what your needs are or what your life could be like without him. Try to find someone you can live with and get out of there as quickly as possible. Don’t trust your brother not to hurt you. I have seen autistic patients truly attempt to kill family members. You’re not safe. Once they get his age it becomes very difficult to find placement. This is not your issue, it’s your parent’s issue and you are their backup plan.
Your parents are not doing your brother any favours and they have ruined their relationship with you.
Your mother is willing to sacrifice YOU but not sacrifice FOR YOU.
Your parents aren’t going to protect you.
Time for you to move out.
Protect yourself, your mental health and your future.
NTA for voicing your opinions and concerns. It’s a shame no one was listening.
I would definitely take the bull by the horns and move out. Do not put yourself in danger and it sounds like at point …you are in danger and extremely uncomfortable. Who does your parents thank you it’s gonna step up when they passed??
NTA. Move out asap before something really bad happens. Your mom is delusional and only thinks about your brother. Leave and live your best life.
Your parents failed your brother and you.
You’re going to have to be the adult here and move out for your own safety.
You can’t force your parents to make this choice but I completely understand where you’re coming from. You will probably have to move out. But have they thought about what will happen to him once they’re unable to care for him or gone? It also sounds like they aren’t always doing what is best for his health. If he needs meds to help regulate him it’s a shame they won’t use them.
Adult protective services can pair your brother with a group home that is equipped and appropriately staffed to look after your brother long term. Whatever financial assistance your parents receive for his disability should be spent on his care, and could be supplemented through other programs. He is becoming a danger to you, your parents and others, and needs to be somewhere that can give him the care that he needs. Not placing him ASAP is long overdue, and if he actually commits SA while he’s prowling around at night, he will have no options other than what the justice system deems necessary for community safety.
ETA: NTA, please look after you and find a better living situation for yourself.
NTA!!!
My mom is a nanny and one of her kids was exactly like this! Currently, he is 18 but while he was growing up he got more violent.
I have witnessed him tackle my mom off a small hill. My mom used to look like a battered woman but it wasn’t a husband or boyfriend who did that to her.
Of course, she was his nanny so she couldn’t say much. And she got mad at me for saying anything, but her job was to look after him and his twin sister. Not he was beaten bloody every day. And I shouldn’t have had to worry about her coming home or ending up dead because he choked her out while she drove!
She lost that job during COVID and she has a new child to look after now.
I have no idea what happened to him but I think his family finally decided to medicate him. And his sister knows she is not responsible for him ever.
And while other people are saying move out, unless you have some money saved up AND are working a decent job, it is difficult to just up and move.
It is not your job to take care of your brother and if your mom thinks so, she needs to go to therapy
Updateme
NTA. You need to make plans to leave as soon as you can. You also need to find a proper locking mechanism for your bedroom door so that you can sleep and change in peace.
NTA. You need to make plans to leave as soon as you can. You also need to find a proper locking mechanism for your bedroom door so that you can sleep and change in peace.
You are all in a dangerous situation- including your brother. You should move out.
Hey! My sister-in-law has a son just like this. The final straw came when he threw her down the stairs and broke her shoulder and broke her nose! The Social care team intervened and he was initially placed in a group home but it became apparent that he needed a more secure placement with 1 -1 care. He now lives in his own ‘home’ and has round-the-clock care with 2 carers. She had been adamant for years that she was his Mother and she should care for him in her home. It took this incident and a Social Worker telling her that next time her injuries could be worse or even fatal for her to accept that he needed to leave. She sees him 3x weekly and is the only one who he will allow to shower and shave him so she still has some input!
Your parents aren’t doing anyone any favors by allowing this to continue. Its not good for your brother to be so isolated. I suspect, fear of behavior is what keeps your family in this type of situation. You said your mom doesn’t give him his medicine. Is this something prescribed that she says she is giving and not? Because that can be dangerous for him. I understand, I think , the fear of institutions even though im here in the states. I follow a woman on social media who has a brother a bit like yours and his program sent him to inpatient and it took them 6 months to get him out. That is a real undetandable fear. But that can’t be the only option. Are there day programs or therapy ? There has to be something. Your parents aren’t going to be able to handle and angry young man. He’s disabled but he still needs stimulation, we aren’t designed to sit in a room all day, no matter who you are.
I would sit with your parents and explain you are worried for their safety. Explain that if something we’re to happen to them, you aren’t capable of being his 24 hour carer, nor should anyone expect you to be. Especially if they don’t get him into the community in some way. It’s a hard existence they are living and I imagine they feel quite stuck as well.They probably have a bit of the stiff upper lip thing going…. but im sure if you all work together you could find an organization that works with adults like him to give him some experience in life. They can be hard to find but they have to be around… none of you deserve to be homebound and at the mercy of a strong adult who doesn’t understand the world around him. Set him and you guys up for success. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it to have the uncomfortable conversation now
Don’t worry about your parents or your brother. You focus on you.Get out, move out, get away and stay away.If your parents with their age and health issues have decided this is the hill they will die on, let them. Don’t go Kamikaze with them. They are prepping you to be his caretaker. The farther away you are the better so they can’t force you into anything. When the time comes for you to make a decision on his care the further away you are the better. Make the clear and healthy decision for him to be placed in a specialized facility.Stand on your decision. Do not be guilted into changing it by anyone. If Any one else disagrees with your decision tell them they can assume the role as his caretaker minus your help and Keep It Moving!!..
OP, all suggestions to your parents are being UNheard AND ignored. And, they are valid reasons, great reasons, & helpful reasons for a group home setting.
I used to work with someone very similar. He WAS in a home, got too violent, was moved to a more restricted home for safety of himself & others. Put on medications (took a while to find right meds and doses). Worked w/ case manger, 2 medical doctors, 1 LCSW, 1 psychologist/pyschiatrist, & he had a team of male staff who were trained. [I came in during 2nd shift w/ a male staff, as 2nd shift was his “calmest” time. If there were lots of behavioral issues 1st shift, I was sent to a different home to work so a male staff could work there.]
Calmly tell your parents that by NOT helping brother w/ meds, behavior modification training, etc, there is a VERY HIGH chance that law enforcement WILL get involved. And if LEOs get involved, there is also a very HIGH chance he may end up shot & killed by either someone in the public trying ti defend themself OR a LEO who is trying to defend themself from a dangerous man. (Is this emotional blackmail? YES. BUT your mom/ parents are getting old & have NO plans in place…except maybe you?l
As your parents if they want to continue this pattern of neglect & possible abuse. Which it if resulted in brother’s death would be on your parents souls for allowing your brother to get to this point in life.
OP, you are NOT safe. As soon as you can, please move out. In mean time, keep locking your door. Maybe get a ring camera for bedroom door (if they exist) so you can see if he is around when you need to exit your room.
OP, you are a victim of emotional abuse & neglect from your parents. You now suffer from anxiety (mental health), insomnia (which effects mental, emotional, AND physical health), & I suspect you also have some Post Traumatic Stress going on (again, mental, emotional, AND physical health). Schooling is effected.
Your parents may be so overwhelmed by your brother, they can’t see what is happening. You have become similar to a “glass child” (or, maybe you are?). Also, your mom is definitely using (& will continue) emotional manipulation on you. Your parents NEED help, even if they don’t see it.
It’s OK to call DHHS/social services for your brother & your parents. Maybe even LEOs if his angery outbursts cause property damage or potential harm. Keep yourself safe. If brother is throwing heavish items in your direction, & you can’t safely move out of that area, DEFINITELY call 9-1-1 (or 999 of in UK)
OP, please repeat to yourself, I matter. I MATTER. I MATTER You deserve a better life than the one your parents forced upon you. Please get counseling for yourself, if you’re not doing that yet.
NTA
Please update when you can.
Nta. your anxiety is your brain telling you that you are in danger. do you have grandparents or other family that will take you in before your brother escalates to rape? because your parents are not protecting you properly if he is touching (sexual assaulting) you. you need to get out of there and call child protective services. He needs a social worker to coordinate and demand he receive better care and medication before he kills someone or himself.
NTA. Girl, you need to move out. He has the capacity of a 6-year-old and the strength of a 24-year-old adult man. Your brother can’t help who he is, but your parents could have handled him better growing up. Your insomnia and anxiety are a direct result of his habits.
“I worry my brother will do something, even thought he most likely won’t.”
Honey, you are underreacting to the situation. You do not know that at all. He is a 6-year-old with a 24-year-old man’s urges. You are not seeing the truth of him being a sexually fully grown man. He has already shown he can’t control his physical urges. He stalks you sexually. He has already sexually assaulted you. He is very likely to force himself on you at some point in the future. You won’t be able to stop it, and your parents will pretend it didn’t happen.
Stop letting your guilt control you. You have been raised to be his caretaker when your parents decide they aren’t doing it anymore. He will destroy your life. Very few partners are going to want to deal with a 6-year-old who will beat them up.
Your parents are going to manipulate the heck out of you when you decide to leave. You are their backup plan. For all you know, they made you to be his keeper. I’ve read about cases like that here on Reddit before.
Get out. My brother is completely fine mentally. He was an incredibly sexually repressed young man, according to my parents. He got very angry with me once and almost raped me to punish me. I pushed it aside and pretended it didn’t happen. Thankfully, it never happened again, but I never trusted him again.
NTA, it would probably be better for him. He’d get more care and stimulation. Also, I’d imagine it would be better for him to transition into a care home now while they are still alive, then suddenly upon their death. Have you talked with them about his care after they die? I’m assuming they think you will take care of him.
You should probably move. For your own mental health and wellbeing
NTA, you need to move out! Is there any close family that can take you in? Do you work? Are you going to college? If so, go to school far away. They are definitely setting you up to be his care taker. It’s better to distance yourself now. Honestly, he will probably learn how to function if he was in a care facility.
I’m not sure if by “feeding him prescribed medication” you mean you want your mother to look into getting him prescription medication or if he was already prescribed medication and your mother refuses to give it to him. If you are locking your doors because you think your brother might rape you, what might he do to a stranger? I would speak to your brother’s doctor about your concerns and also plan on moving out.
NTA.
No one’s needs are being met in this situation.
Hunny, you need to get out asap. As others have said, they’re expecting you to take over his care once they can no longer do so, which sounds like it’ll be fairly soon
Also, do you have Adult Protective Services in your area? If you do, please place a call and ask them for help. This isn’t safe or tenable long term
NTA,but girl you gotta go,move out yesterday,they are setting you up to be his support when they pass.
If he’s that strong and getting into puberty type behavior AND slips out at night, all the women in the town are in danger. What are mum and dad going to do when he’s arrested for SA?
NTA, but you should consider moving out.
Do they get help/SS benefits for him? I know my neighbors had a disabled son and they received in home care for him for 16-20 hours/day.
He may find a facility able to handle his needs better at this point in his life, but unfortunately, you have no say if your parents are against it.
NTA. This would also be the time to discuss how your parents are going to arrange for his lifelong care up up until and we’ll beyond their passing. Having it fall all on you as a young woman is not an option.
NTA. I’m a specialised nurse for people like your brother and your parents are extremely irresponsible. They don’t just risk their own and your safety (which is bad enough). They risk your brother’s safety and that of everyone within walking distance from your home. Depending on your area your brother might get hit by a car, get into another accident, get assaulted (due to vulnerability or in self defense) or in the US even shot, or he could get in legal trouble for sexual assault. And a good group home for your brother’s needs, that your parents can chose and can move him from if it’s not a good place is a lot better than the type of facility he’ll end up in if he assaults someone. Both because they can’t do shit if he’s not happy there and because those facilities are focused on safety, not on making him happy. A good group home keeps everyone, including your brother safe while giving him as much freedom as possible, meeting his needs and giving him a home and a happy life. I’m sure your parents could never forgive themselves if your brother gets serious injured or dies on one of his night excursions and if anyone he assaults, be that you or a stranger, files a police report your parents will be liable for not preventing it because they neither sought treatment for him (even as simple ones as giving him something to sleep at night), nor applied for permission to restrict his freedom and locked the doors at night. They are neglecting and endangering both of you and the public and everyone involved, including your parents deserve better. I know it is hard for your parents, but they need to do better.
For your own safety you should look into options to move out (a university with a dorm, roommates, asking a friend and their parents for help, moving in with a relative, asking your parents for financial support. I had to move out for different reasons when I was your age. It was hard as I had no support whatsoever, but it was doable. And if you find support it will be less hard.
There are some arguments you can use when talking to your parents among what I wrote. Maybe they will help you convince them to get your brother the help he deserves
yea nah they’re tryna make you take care of him for the rest of ur life when they’re gone, move tf out now
Everyone has already said what needs to be said I’m just worried for you,
OP.
I really hope there’s a good update coming. Please look after yourself.
If you stay you should have either pepper spray or a tazer.
NTA: Ask your mother and father this this:
What if he gets out some night and overpowers a woman and rapes her? What if in his anger state he kills someone? What if he tries to rape me? They will take him away then and you will never get him back. If you love him then you need to get him help and to a place where he is safe and others are safe from him. I will not take over as his caregiver ever. It’s unfair of you to think that I will. I have lived with the situation my entire life and it feels as if you don’t care enough to take me into consideration in your decisions.
NTA. He requires more help than they can provide.