I’m have a difficult time wrapping my head around codependency when it is emotional or in the context of an abusive relationship, most things that I have read use the example of addiction. Can someone eli5?
I’m have a difficult time wrapping my head around codependency when it is emotional or in the context of an abusive relationship, most things that I have read use the example of addiction. Can someone eli5?
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Codependency is a confusing term because it originated with addiction treatment. The co-dependent term comes from the idea that they are a partner in someone’s addiction. It’s short for “co-substance-dependency.”
Over time it’s broadened to also mean people that are “addicted” to a relationship. The abused person has a hard time leaving an abuser because they are addicted to that relationship in a sense.
It also describes an over functioners and under functioner relationship, even when the under functioner is not addicted to drugs or alcohol necessarily. The over functioner is the person that gets self esteem from carrying the relationship while the under functioner is not achieving or doing much. Both parties are resentful – the over functioner because they are doing too much and the under functioner because they feel disempowered.
Your confusion about the term codependency is natural because it means different things to different people and in different contexts. Plus it’s a term that has evolved over time.
Codependency isn’t a clinical diagnosis. It’s a label that originally came from family members of alcoholics, and it covers a wide range of behaviors and clinical conditions.
Basically the person starts orienting their life and emotional wellbeing around another person or group of people. For abuse survivors, that’s a necessity because they need to map how their abuser is going to go after them. Boundaries blur, instead of feeling around their own identity they get anxious about their abuser’s feelings. If the abuser is angry they get scared and avoidant, if the abuser is calm they are fearful, if the abuser is demanding they yield and give in. If their abuse is drunk or about to get drunk, they know abuse is incoming and they take steps to shield themselves. For abuse survivors, everything in their life revolves around their abusers.
Abuse is probably easiest to understand because the cause/effect relationship is so clear. The victim needs to map and understand the abuser’s mood, both because it lets them know if actions are safe, or lets them know when they need to prepare for incoming abuse.
It happens in contexts other than abuse, and it can happen even when there’s no known reason. It could be around any authority figure like a child orbiting a parent, a student to teacher, or a lover to their love interest. It could be a role-reversal, like a parent orbiting a child in an unhealthy way. For whatever reason the individual basically sets their emotional orbit around another, builds their identity around another.
It isn’t “I feel bad”, it is “I feel bad because I think you feel bad.” It isn’t “I want to do it,” it is “I think you want me to do it.” It isn’t “I want this for myself,” it is “I think you want me to want this.” In each case the identity is built up on another person, rather than an identity built around themselves.