My wife and I(40) have a 17 year old son with autism. He cannot be left alone. He can’t take care of himself. We also have a 14 year old daughter. My brother has been living with us the past year, he was in an accident last year that left him in the hospital for 2 months, now he’s on disability because he has health issues from it. The accident happened to be his fault so it set him back extremely along with medical bills. He ended up losing his place, my wife and I agreed he could live with us, we have the room. One of our agreements were though since he couldn’t work, and don’t pay rent if while we worked if he could sit home with our son. (We were paying for sitters before and it wasn’t cheap.) He agreed.
We never really had issues before except sometimes he’d get upset that we both worked a day he wanted to do something. Two nights ago my wife and I were both working when my wife got a call from our daughter. She had said she came home early from a friend and my brother was not there and my son was left alone. I don’t even know how long he was left alone. I called my brother and he tried to deny it but I said my daughter is home she sees that you are not there.
we got into an argument, my wife left work early to be home with our son. He didn’t come home that night, my wife and I discussed how scary and bad this could’ve ended up, and decided he needed to move within the next two weeks. When we told him this when he came home the next day he got angry, said he was 17 and basically played alone anyways most the time. I said it don’t matter it was part of our agreement. He said we should’ve worked less to be home with him. Then he went on to say how we were ah and we’re throwing him out with barely any money to his name. He ended up just leaving that night, and my dad called me yelling at me saying how this was a one time thing I should’ve cut him some slack. AITA?
Add: he only sits at home with my son one or two days a week. It really depends if my wife and I both work on the same day.
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My wife and I(40) have a 17 year old son with autism. He cannot be left alone. He can’t take care of himself. We also have a 14 year old daughter. My brother has been living with us the past year, he was in an accident last year that left him in the hospital for 2 months, now he’s on disability because he has health issues from it. The accident happened to be his fault so it set him back extremely along with medical bills. He ended up losing his place, my wife and I agreed he could live with us, we have the room. One of our agreements were though since he couldn’t work, and don’t pay rent if while we worked if he could sit home with our son. (We were paying for sitters before and it wasn’t cheap.) He agreed.
We never really had issues before except sometimes he’d get upset that we both worked a day he wanted to do something. Two nights ago my wife and I were both working when my wife got a call from our daughter. She had said she came home early from a friend and my brother was not there and my son was left alone. I don’t even know how long he was left alone. I called my brother and he tried to deny it but I said my daughter is home she sees that you are not there.
we got into an argument, my wife left work early to be home with our son. He didn’t come home that night, my wife and I discussed how scary and bad this could’ve ended up, and decided he needed to move within the next two weeks. When we told him this when he came home the next day he got angry, said he was 17 and basically played alone anyways most the time. I said it don’t matter it was part of our agreement. He said we should’ve worked less to be home with him. Then he went on to say how we were ah and we’re throwing him out with barely any money to his name. He ended up just leaving that night, and my dad called me yelling at me saying how this was a one time thing I should’ve cut him some slack. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My brother left my son with autism home alone. My wife and I decided to kick him out and he called us ah for throwing him out with barely anything to his name. I might be the ah bc he’s my brother and he’s struggling
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. First he skipped out. Then he lied about it. Then he didn’t even apologize.
If he didn’t like your agreement, he could have tried to re-negotiate. But just skipping out like that, yeah that’s a firing offense.
NTA. So NTA!! It’s clear that your brother does not understand responsibility and care needed for his own nephew. You did him an enormous favour — he has a safe shelter, no rent, and time with caring family members. My concern is that if he did this and reacted this way — is it something that he’s felt confident to do before? Is it only upsetting because he was caught this time? Very concerning behaviour from your brother and a breach of your trust. I’m sorry this happened to you OP. You’re NTA. Good choice to want him to leave. I’d rather invest in a sitter who I know will be responsible/attentive rather than take a chance on brother like this.
NTA. If your dad is so upset, your brother can go live with him
Huge NTA. He’s lucky you gave him two weeks
But, is it a one time thing or just the first time he got caught? He has a dad, let him go live with his dad.
Your brother is a prick. He’s always been a prick.
He was irresponsible which led to his accident and he is still irresponsible.
Only now he’s ungrateful on top of that.
Your son is your only priority.
Your brother has to go.
NTA, kids with higher needs cant just be left alone. The what ifs are too many and he knew that. He agreed. He broke the agreement. He lied. He then personally attacked you.
He can go live with dad.
OP you forgot to mention what hours your disabled brother doesn’t work because it sounds like he’s doing in home care for your autistic son.
NTA. Your brother endangered your child by his actions. You were 100% right to throw him out. Your father has no business sticking his nose in unless it was to support you.
NTA. Your brother is being irresponsible and got mad that he got caught, so he’s trying to deny and deflect. Your dad needs to stay out of this. If he thinks you need to cut your brother some slack, then he can take your brother in. Problem solved.
If your brother wanted some time off of whatever, then that’s fine. The issue is the lack of communication. He tried to hide it from you, tried to lie, and is not taking accountability. He can disagree, but the way he went about it was not okay at all.
This man made such a bad life choice as to permanently disabled himself and became unhoused. Why did you think leaving your vulnerable child with this person was a good idea?
NTA He won’t keep his word. He still believes he is in the right. There’s no reason to think there wouldn’t be a repeat performance. He’s shown himself to be untrustworthy.
Tell your dad this is one of those things where he doesn’t get a second chance, because if he lets you down again the consequences could be irreversible. It’s not like he forgot to take the trash out. He put your son at risk.
So you employ him as fulltime carer do not give him time off
Do you all qualify for respite care? If so that could be a good solution for all parties. You could schedule respite as long as your brother plans his events in advance.
INFO: How much did you pay for sitters? How many hours was your brother expected to “work” each week watching your son? And how much would a room in a similar house rent for?
Whether or not Y T A depends a lot of if you were taking advantage of your brother for all the months leading up to this, expecting more work from him sitting for your son than you were compensating him for. He definitely should not have left your son alone, but I kind of feel like you were taking advantage of him at the same time.
Also, I’m pretty much sure pretty much everywhere in the US, you are required by law to give more than 2 weeks notice. YTA, and most likely going against the law, for giving him only 2 weeks.
Dad should take the irresponsible brother in.
Show love by actions, not by easy words.
Exactly how many hours is your permanently disabled brother working for you per week in lieu of rent?
NTA plain & simple
NTA. I raised an autistic son–I know how hard it is, and I commend you and your wife for caring for your son.
You had an agreement with brother. If he had a problem with it, he should have approached you for a renegotiation of some kind.
Not only could your son being alone have been tragic, it was also probably traumatic. Not only that, child protective services could get involved. Brother would be prosecuted and you and wife would have been on the hook for why you didn’t protect him(which you are obviously doing, and CORRECTLY!)
You might tell your other family members that Brother is guilty of neglect. He could have been arrested and your kids removed into state care. Maybe they need a wake up about how serious this is!
And then lying about it–he obviously has no remorse!
You absolutely did the right thing! And BRAVO to daughter for calling you! Sometimes the sibs of disabled kids get overlooked–obviously she has her head on straight!
What a shame brother couldn’t have helped you. Raising an autistic child is, as you say, expensive. And emotionally challenging, no matter how much you love him. Good luck in all you do–and one more time: You are NOT TA.
Your brother is the AH here!!!! He is responsible while you are at work. If he can’t watch him one day he needs to let you guys know ahead of time so you can make other arrangements. HOWEVER, If you guys never let him take a day off for his own important things, you ARE partially the AH in this situation! He is essentially someone you are employing with payment in room & board, he is not a slave. Even live in nannies get days off. You should be ok with him taking a day off here or there, and if it’s often, he should make the arrangements and pay for someone else to watch him while he is out, and if he can’t find anyone or afford to, you should be ok with occasionally taking a partial PTO day to help him have time off. That or just charge him rent to stay with you and keep paying someone else to care for your child.
INFO: how many hours per week does he work as your son’s carer? Does he have scheduled days off? How does the cost of having outside carers compare to how much he’d pay to rent a comparable room?
I would have given him a 2nd chance because he’s your brother, and I would cut him slack because emotionally he’s not in a good place because he’s suddenly on disability and lost his own place. You need to communicate with him that sitting your son is like a job. If he needs time off he needs to work it out with you first. It’s an easy job, that’s the deal for the free room and board.
YTA. Asking an ill man recovering himself to care for an autistic child FULL TIME is crazy work. This man has his own recovery to deal with.
You offered a strings attached deal that benefited only you and your wife. You put your son at risk for free labor. Sounds like your son needs a trained dedicated aid, not a half well untrained relative.
NTA…..looking after your son is his job…..free room and board.
You don’t walk out in the middle of your job or you get fired.
How old is your brother? How did he “cause” the accident? Why can’t he work at all? Does he help with rent/food from his disability payments?
How much supervision does your son require? What could happen if he were left alone? How many hours per week are you asking your brother to watch your son and what does that entail?
SO MUCH info is missing here.
NTA
The reason you both work so much is because your brother lives rent free in your house . Your dad is so outraged he can take his son in while you make sure to protect yours.
NTA he can’t be trusted. This is the one time he was caught.
I was ready to tell you to give him some slack until he tried to deflect his responsibility for the 1 or 2 days he had a responsibility, and told you that you or your wife should work less. Like where tf does he think his domicile gets paid for if you don’t work?
Bullshit it’s a one time thing. Dad can support him
Hell no you’re not the AH! How many times has he done this would be my first question! ‘Cos with how easily he lied about it and how blasé he was about your son playing on his own (so, basically an “easy job” then 🙄 ) I’d say he’s done it before! His response, and your Dad’s response, has pissed me off, and I have no horse in this race!
How the hell do people justify this sort of thing to themselves?! Grrrrrrr!
My son is 20, with level 3 autism, epilepsy, an intellectual disability, and other challenges. He’s non-verbal.
If a caregiver left him alone, not only would I kick them out, I would press charges for endangering a vulnerable, disabled person. No. Damn. Way.
If your brother has lived with you and been around your son for more than a year, and he STILL chose to do this, he is entirely in the wrong. If you have doorbell cams or similar, I would try to see if he’s done this before when he was meant to be watching your son.
Not only did he take advantage of you and your hospitality and kindness, he endangered your son AND he took advantage of your son’s functioning level because he knows your son cannot or will not rat him out.
100% YOU ARE NTA!! And good for you for kicking him out and protecting your kids!!
NTA
NTA. But I have to mention that everyone needs a break now and then. Did you have something setup so he could do that once in a while? Taking care of kids is stressful at times an I’d certainly want a night here and there to get away besides the weekend I’m assuming.
NTA. This wasn’t a one-time thing. He just got caught this one time.
Go back to paying $600 a week then instead of having a talk with your brother and making sure it doesn’t happen again
he seems irresponsible and likely.to just shove blame anywhere but himself.
NTA. You agreed on something and he broke it and didn’t even apologise. Instead he acted mightier than thou. Lol.
It was never going to work. Good on u guys for giving him a chance but your son’s life is more important
You rntah . I hope you have your son in a program where he can work toward an independent living situation or group living environment .
First time—that you know of. I’d bet it isn’t the first time.
LOL, your dad just doesn’t want him there, he’s only pissed because he’s stuck with the deadbeat now. Do not let him come back.
NTA. He pays no rent, no bills, food included. Free living situation entirely, he just has to spend maybe two days a week watching his nephew? That’s a good deal. Even if you were to stop using him to watch your son and hire a sitter again, he will not be able to afford to pay you rent.
NTA, you don’t know if it was a one time thing or not. Maybe he’s done it dozens of times prior and just never got caught.
NTA. Your brother can stay with your dad. Problem solved!
You were right to throw his irresponsible, entitled, lazy ass out. If your dad doesn’t like it, HE can take him in.
NTA, but it looks like he can stay with your dad. That’s what he meant right? Lol
So what’s the plan when you and your wife can’t look after your son any more.
I’m not saying your brother is in the right as he’s not but what’s the end goal here with your son he’s not going to get any better at life and if he requires that much supervision a care home is likely the better option anyway.
Your Dad can take care of his son, you can take care of yours. Your brother lied to you about it and tried to deny it. That’s the worst thing, you can’t trust him. He doesn’t care about you or your son.
I assume in addition to rent, you are providing all his food and other necessities including transportation. The negative comments on this page focus on rent, but the help I imagine you are providing your destitute brother has probably gone far beyond the value of rent.
If family members start quantifying the quid pro quo value of services of live in relatives, what happens to MIL and FILS, widowed siblings, etc. who offer to help with baby sitting and house care to offset their drag. I say this as a 71 yo. Your brother is not only an AH but a leech. He is ungrateful and I can’t stand ungrateful people. I will give the shirt off my back to someone willing to honestly help themselves, but not a con.
YTA
Your previous caregiver charged $300 per day.
You decided to go the cheap route and instead got rid of them and went with your disabled brother who had been in an accident (which he caused), spent two months in the hospital, and has multiple health conditions.
In no universe would your brother be considered a competent caregiver who could safely watch your son and you knew that perfectly well. You just wanted to save the $300 the previous caregiver was charging and worse, you weren’t compensating your brother that rate either, when you also knew no way would a single room in your house rent for $2400 a month. ($300 x 2 times per week x 4 weeks per month)
Count your lucky stars that your son didn’t elope while there was no one there.
I’m positive that wasn’t one time. You were right to kick him out. NTA
NTA. I would be suspicious that this was a one-off incident. I think he got complacent.
YTA. You trusted the most irresponsible person you know to watch your child.
What were you thinking?
NTA
You can go live with dad, by the way I doubt this is the first time he’s left alone it’s just the first time he was caught
NTA. How would you feel if your brother had stopped paying rent for whatever reason? This is basically the same thing. Him watching your son was his rent, and he failed to do so. And this is even worse, because your son could have seriously hurt himself because of his condition.
As far as giving your brother a second chance – when you confronted your brother about it, he lied to you about his actions. And when he finally came home, he didn’t apologize, he doubled down and tried to justify his actions and tried to pass the blame onto you.
This means you need to ask yourself: how many times has your brother done this in the past and just not gotten caught? He may have been doing this regularly and no one ever knew about it.
As far as your dad goes – he does not need to get involved in this. He is not involved in any way in the agreement nor in your household. Also, it is a typical tactic of people who know they are wrong to try to win the argument via peer pressure.
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter if this was only once or not – your brother lied to you, so you know you cannot trust him in the future.