I (29F) have a sister (33F) who calls me constantly to vent about her job, friends, dating life, and how she feels like she’s stuck. I’ve always been the supportive younger sister…listening for hours, offering advice, and trying to cheer her up (even though she never actually takes the advice).
Over the past few months, I’ve tried repeatedly to plan “sister time” like we used to have. Every time, she’s “too busy” or cancels last minute. Yet, I’ll see on social media that she’s out with her friends or coworkers. Whenever I try to call and talk about what is going on in my life (my job, my marriage, my hobbies) she either doesn’t answer, rushes off the phone, or changes the subject back to herself.
Recently, she called for an hour-long rant about the exact same issues she’s been venting about for the last year. I was unenthusiastic because I’d heard it all before and she hasn’t acted on any advice. Plus, not once in that call did she ask how I was doing. Despite my annoyance, I asked if she was free that weekend to do something fun together. She said she was busy and probably going to work. But when the weekend came, she called saying she was having “a tough time” and wanted to hang out right then. I told her I was busy and wouldn’t be free for a couple of weeks. She seemed shocked and said that was “so long.” I told her that I had been trying to plan something for months, and now, she’s on my time. She accused me of punishing her for being busy before and that she needed me….that’s when I lost my patience.
I told her that she is one of the most selfish people I’ve ever met and that I needed her too. I needed my big sister to be a big sister sometimes too and not the other way around. She never makes time for me, and I’m tired of being her on-call venting session. I told her I’m not her emotional dumping ground, and she needs to go back to the therapist she loves ignoring. I also told her she needs to start taking responsibility for her life. She got upset and hung up.
Now my other older sister and our parents are furious, saying I was too harsh and should “be more sensitive” since I’m “in a better place” in life (married, good career, own a home, etc.). I told them they’ve all been babying her since we were young and that’s why she’s like this. I’ve done it too, but I’m done enabling her selfish behavior.
Now none of them are speaking to me, and I’m wondering if I crossed the line.
TL;DR: Sister only calls to vent, never asks about me, ignores my attempts to hang out, but expects me to drop everything when she’s upset. I told her I’m not her therapist and that I’m done enabling her. Family says I was too harsh.
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I (29F) have a sister (33F) who calls me constantly to vent about her job, friends, dating life, and how she feels like she’s stuck. I’ve always been the supportive younger sister…listening for hours, offering advice, and trying to cheer her up (even though she never actually takes the advice).
Over the past few months, I’ve tried repeatedly to plan “sister time” like we used to have. Every time, she’s “too busy” or cancels last minute. Yet, I’ll see on social media that she’s out with her friends or coworkers. Whenever I try to call and talk about what is going on in my life (my job, my marriage, my hobbies) she either doesn’t answer, rushes off the phone, or changes the subject back to herself.
Recently, she called for an hour-long rant about the exact same issues she’s been venting about for the last year. I was unenthusiastic because I’d heard it all before and she hasn’t acted on any advice. Plus, not once in that call did she ask how I was doing. Despite my annoyance, I asked if she was free that weekend to do something fun together. She said she was busy and probably going to work. But when the weekend came, she called saying she was having “a tough time” and wanted to hang out right then. I told her I was busy and wouldn’t be free for a couple of weeks. She seemed shocked and said that was “so long.” I told her that I had been trying to plan something for months, and now, she’s on my time. She accused me of punishing her for being busy before and that she needed me….that’s when I lost my patience.
I told her that she is one of the most selfish people I’ve ever met and that I needed her too. I needed my big sister to be a big sister sometimes too and not the other way around. She never makes time for me, and I’m tired of being her on-call venting session. I told her I’m not her emotional dumping ground, and she needs to go back to the therapist she loves ignoring. I also told her she needs to start taking responsibility for her life. She got upset and hung up.
Now my other older sister and our parents are furious, saying I was too harsh and should “be more sensitive” since I’m “in a better place” in life (married, good career, own a home, etc.). I told them they’ve all been babying her since we were young and that’s why she’s like this. I’ve done it too, but I’m done enabling her selfish behavior.
Now none of them are speaking to me, and I’m wondering if I crossed the line.
TL;DR: Sister only calls to vent, never asks about me, ignores my attempts to hang out, but expects me to drop everything when she’s upset. I told her I’m not her therapist and that I’m done enabling her. Family says I was too harsh.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> She was upset and reached out, and I shut her down. I could’ve handled it with more patience instead of snapping.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I don’t know, seems like everything you told her was both true and (potentially) useful. NTA. Even if she didn’t like hearing it.
NTA. You’ve tried being subtle and gentle and that hasn’t worked. You stood up for yourself and were direct. She got pissed that she was being called out. And now your other sister and parents are defending her. Yikes.
Some people don’t want to hear the truth. They’ll flip out when confronted with reality.
NTA It’s a one way relationship and it’s time to put yourself, your marriage and your career first. If your sister can’t make time for you, it’s not incumbent up on you to prioritize her wants and needs. If your sister and parents were upset about you advocating for yourself, oh, well, it’s not your problem. Let her call your parents and vent.
Silence is golden. Enjoy your peace. Blood doesn’t always make good friends. NTA
Sounds like she’s been treating you like her free therapist for years, but without the actual give and take of a sibling relationship. Sometimes people need a wake-up call, and yeah, it might sting, but that’s life.
NTA. It’s about time. Don’t be bullied by the people who helped make her this way.
NTA- yeah she’s incredibly selfish, and she is using you for an emotional dumping ground when she doesn’t have any patience or care or consideration to reciprocate.
I would tell her straight up you get out of it what you put into it , and since this is a one-way street, we have nothing left to talk about until you can acknowledge that.
Don’t worry about your parents and siblings. They don’t actually care, they care more about getting the loud one quiet, which usually means the normal person having to put up with it. I would tell them straight up if she wasn’t complaining to you, you wouldn’t be trying to push this on me, but I’m not picking it up at all, have fun with it
I dislike Askholes: Wasting your time venting about the same damn thing, and never doing anything about it.
NTA. To be blunt, your sister enjoys being a hot mess. She enjoys the attention from her venting and having people offer advice she has no plans to follow. Most importantly, she enjoys knowing that she’s often the topic of conversation with the rest of the family.
For the sake of your own mental health, stop letting her use you as her emotional support animal.
NTA. You set a boundary after years of one-way emotional labor, and she didn’t like it. That doesn’t make you wrong
She’s not a bad person for needing support, but it’s selfish to never reciprocate and to expect you to drop everything when she calls
Nta. Not at all, sweetie. Reading your story could be me, as xgen. I am a literal bullshit dumping ground for my parents, siblings, etc. I’m proud of you for standing up and creating boundaries that I’m still struggling to make at gotdamn 48 years old!! Good for you. Hold that line, OP. Hold that fucking line. 😀
NTA!