We’ve been married 10 years and have kids. My in laws were an issue day one. From overly interfering and dictating our marriage to full on trying to make my husband choose between us, it’s been an interesting few years. They finally simmered down the last few years.
We’re civil now as they are good grandparents to our kids. Earlier in our marriage when we’d sit together and even when he’d talk to me, his whole family (aunt,parents) would turn to us and would quiz us about what we were talking about and suddenly everyone was focused on us. As my husband was an avoidant this would make him pull back and. A part of me feels like they did it on purpose . For a long time now when we go there he doesn’t ignore me specifically, but he’s quite distant. He won’t speak to me unless spoken to and will choose to sit anywhere but next to me. Due to me having to do all the socialising work with his family while he sat quiet and not talking or getting on wjth his family, i didn’t visit his for months.
This caused a lot of issue in our marriage as he felt I wasn’t being a good wife. His sister came to visit recently and with my children being close to their cousins it gave me the push I needed to visit. You would think after asking me to visit for months he would try to make it pleasant. Everyone was fine, he was the issue.
He waddled in and out of the room seeing there was a space next to me but stayed standing up. I had to ask him to sit down and even then he kind of made a face and sat down. He was more interactive with others than me. His cousin and aunt and uncle were there and clearly they noticed. At one point it got hot and I saw him sat opposite the fan. I hate that I hesitated to sit next to him. Worst case scenario was he got up at the pretence of getting something or ignoring me. His aunt in the end said your husband’s there maybe sit next to him and started laughing. It was almost as if she knew something or sensed something and I hated it. His whole family always knew our business due to my in laws creating rumours and assumptions.
I sat next to him and it was horrible. He didn’t even look at me or acknowledge me. I felt so awkward as if we were being watched. I took the courage to ask him when to leave which he misheard multiple times which meant I had to keep repeating myself He knew it was past the children’s bed time but he wanted to wait for me to initiate to leave.
As soon as we got in the car and drove off he suddenly changed to a bubbly chatty version of himself. That made me even more angry and resentful. it’s so unlike me as he’s always been the one to give silent treatment, but instead of confronting his behaviour knowing I’d get gaslit, I stayed silent. It’s the second day and he’s not talked either.
The four months I didn’t visit was him giving me the silent treatment on and off. I’m so used to his silent treatment for the past ten years I almost expect it. I just never thought I would resort to it as someone who up until now always begged for communication .
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We’ve been married 10 years and have kids. My in laws were an issue day one. From overly interfering and dictating our marriage to full on trying to make my husband choose between us, it’s been an interesting few years. They finally simmered down the last few years.
We’re civil now as they are good grandparents to our kids. Earlier in our marriage when we’d sit together and even when he’d talk to me, his whole family (aunt,parents) would turn to us and would quiz us about what we were talking about and suddenly everyone was focused on us. As my husband was an avoidant this would make him pull back and. A part of me feels like they did it on purpose . For a long time now when we go there he doesn’t ignore me specifically, but he’s quite distant. He won’t speak to me unless spoken to and will choose to sit anywhere but next to me. Due to me having to do all the socialising work with his family while he sat quiet and not talking or getting on wjth his family, i didn’t visit his for months.
This caused a lot of issue in our marriage as he felt I wasn’t being a good wife. His sister came to visit recently and with my children being close to their cousins it gave me the push I needed to visit. You would think after asking me to visit for months he would try to make it pleasant. Everyone was fine, he was the issue.
He waddled in and out of the room seeing there was a space next to me but stayed standing up. I had to ask him to sit down and even then he kind of made a face and sat down. He was more interactive with others than me. His cousin and aunt and uncle were there and clearly they noticed. At one point it got hot and I saw him sat opposite the fan. I hate that I hesitated to sit next to him. Worst case scenario was he got up at the pretence of getting something or ignoring me. His aunt in the end said your husband’s there maybe sit next to him and started laughing. It was almost as if she knew something or sensed something and I hated it. His whole family always knew our business due to my in laws creating rumours and assumptions.
I sat next to him and it was horrible. He didn’t even look at me or acknowledge me. I felt so awkward as if we were being watched. I took the courage to ask him when to leave which he misheard multiple times which meant I had to keep repeating myself He knew it was past the children’s bed time but he wanted to wait for me to initiate to leave.
As soon as we got in the car and drove off he suddenly changed to a bubbly chatty version of himself. That made me even more angry and resentful. it’s so unlike me as he’s always been the one to give silent treatment, but instead of confronting his behaviour knowing I’d get gaslit, I stayed silent. It’s the second day and he’s not talked either.
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> For the first time I have my husband the silent treatment because he didn’t acknowledge me at my in laws house making me feel insecure and hurt
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
It’s crazy how much we ignore red flags because it’s not all the time. Family is important and if his family doesn’t like you whatever but the fact that he a grown man acts like that around his family and doesn’t defend you is so disgusting. Then when you don’t want to visit because of that your a bad wife?!?! Serious op you need to set some boundaries and he needs to respect them and if that puts a strain on your marriage maybe it’s not as good as you thought. I can’t imagine putting up with that for 10 years and the kids are going to notice that when they’re older and think that’s normal.
This marriage will not last unless you grow up and TALK TO EACH ORHER.
couple therapy. the silent treatment thing is a step to divorce, and you need to learn how to be a united front at his family.
See my pettyness would be giving him the same treatment at my parents that he did at his. Haha
STOP DOING ANYTHING UNTIL YOU HAVE AN ADULT CONVERSATION AND HOLD YOUR HUSBAND ACCOUNTABLE. There’s no way I’d allow that to fly. You’ve allowed it to continue and now it’s the norm.
Your in-laws are an issue because your husband LETS them be an issue. Since he would rather treat you like garbage in front of them instead of telling them off, there’s no point in you bothering to spend time with them unless absolutely necessary.
Also please don’t say they are good to your kids. Anyone who can treat their mother like this right in front of them is not good to be around.
NTA
NTA but you need to realize that his parents attitude of you has rubbed off on him. They’ve probably talked so much shit about you behind your back to your husband and the rest of their family that now he has started to drink the Kool-Aid. Time to have a serious sitdown conversation with your husband and ask him if he wants marriage, counseling or a divorce.
Nta,
If you two can go two plus days without talking without him initiating it, he has no interest in you. Choose yourself from now on. Make yourself & kids a priority & he can do his own thing. Once that gets old, maybe consider starting a new chapter without him.
Have him take the kids to his parents without you. Sounds like the good grandparents want to see the kids and him anyway. Take a bath, read a book, enjoy your time without that horrible mess of a family. Everyone gets what they want.
NTA. Stop going. I’d rather him be looked at for going solo than me be looked at for being treated like dirt by my own husband. I saw you said he refuses to have a conversation. Even better. Your not going is not up for discussion! He can go if he wants but you enjoy your time at home.
NTA. 10 years of this? Have you ever asked him why he behaves this way when you are around his family? If they are going to criticize and start rumors regardless of what you do or don’t do, stop playing along. Act like you would around around complete strangers. When you catch your self hesitating to sit by him, ask your self would you hesitate if you were out in public with strangers.
NTA. I’d go as long as I can not talking to him. Let’s see how he likes it. It’s infuriating that he makes you do all the socializing with his family when they don’t even like you and refuses to support you.
You should stop going over to your in law’s house.
Let your husband bring the children over.
You can laze around at home, or go somewhere else, like massage.
Updateme
ESH obviously. Punishing a spouse is not constructive whether via the silent treatment or any other way. And what is with your husband? I suggest having a serious conversation ahead of time about what you expect/need from him on this kind of visit, and whether or not he can provide that. And if he can’t, don’t go next time.
ETA after reading other comments: You’re in a horrible situation for no good reason. Your husband routinely mistreats you, and refuses to discuss anything so there’s no path to improvement. IMO it’s past time for you to leave. You can do SO much better even being by yourself.
NTA. You’ve just realized you’re only going to be talking to a wall or a sullen teenager- you can’t get anywhere with either. Your husband has probably been raised to be a doormat. He dislikes confrontation, speaking up for himself, or setting boundaries. Probably anything and everything he’s said in their presence was somehow turned against him. His only power is silence. The problem is, it’s not ever going to get him a better relationship with anyone. He just isolates himself and shuts everyone out hoping they prove in some way that love him and respect him after all. Yet, after shutting down so often and so long- there is only a shadow of someone to love and respect.
He needs a lot of therapy. Silence as his weapon of protest or to get attention is hamstringing his ability to set the terms os his relationship with his family.
NTA, but your husband is acting like a child. You need couples therapy and to get this sorted.
ESH
ESH. This marriage is doomed. Sorry you two can’t resolve your differences.
You’re in a terribly abusive and manipulative relationship. Your husband is incredibly childish and super controlling. Seemingly he comes by it honestly. Girl, do you want this to be your life in 10 more years? Start making a plan to freedom. Your children are learning a horrific lesson in marriage and love from this.
NTA but both of you need to have serious communication and get out pent up frustrations that is building up inside.
And then if that does not solve it then do both of you want to continue marriage or go separate way because if one side does not then there is no purpose to continue being together.
The silent treatment is emotional abuse.
Nta, its clear he needs a lot of therapy, and both of you need therapy together over this and more. He can take the kids to the inlaws, you go have a spa day.
What the hell is wrong with your husband? He needs a spine is what he needs and you need a divorce AND a spine! I would divorce my husband if he ever treated me like that! And you should tell those prying in laws/family to shut their mouths and mind their own business. And not in a nice way either. In an “I mean it!” Way. People don’t tend to walk all over people who don’t allow themselves to be treated like a rug.
Why the hell did you stay? Why are you still engaging with these people? You aren’t going to fix him and his literal entire family.
NTA I don’t know why you’re still married to this immature, petulant child, but you should reconsider that. Being alone and at peace is far more satisfying than being married to the wrong person.
Why are u still with this person exactly
He is not allowed to even like you in the presence of the narc family cult. He has to treat you poorly or lose their approval and it sounds like he is a very weak man. I know, I was you. Your nta, and you wouldn’t be if you decide to reevaluate your marriage. It only gets worse.