I’m 27, she is 25. We’ve been together for almost 4 years now.
At first she was super chill and everything was going pretty smooth but suddenly she is super controlling. She goes to my phone without asking, stalks my location and when I am going to friends or even just going out to get food she just wont let me go.
She always says that I’m hiding something. I never messed up in those 4 years, never gave her any reason to think that & funny enough she won’t even let me see her phone at all.
I have no fucking clue what to do, I want to stick together but I just dont see how. And yes we’ve already talked about this, she is denying everything.
please help I really need some advice
Comments
You are being abused. Time to get out.
You need to break up. I know you probably don’t want to hear this but she is super toxic. You have a right for privacy and if she controls you and doesn’t even show her phone that’s just a super big red flag 🚩
She probably cheated and is projecting that onto you.
Break up. If there is so little trust, neither of you will be happy.
Unfortunately, that’s how abuse starts. No one willingly gets with an abuser. They get with a person who seems totally normal, then realizes later on they are abusive and then wonders what THEY did wrong.
This isn’t your fault and you need to break up with her so you can have your life back. If you need to discreetly pack your things and ghost her, do it. That’s your choice. You are free to leave whenever and don’t ever look back. Life is too short for regrets. Good luck.
You need to leave she is toxic and will destroy your life mentally and physically also run as fast as you can. It doesn’t get better it gets worse save yourself.
Setup biometric security on the phone.
Go out anyway.
She’d invade your privacy and won’t even let you see her phone? Nah man.. you should walk away before you get into some trouble.
Monitoring is abuse.
My grandma used to say that when a person behaves like this, it is they who usually have something to hide.
Ya leave. Pack your stuff, or pack hers, and go start living. That’s exactly why you do. Life is way too short for that mess. I got anxiety reading this.
She is cheating or cheated and projecting.
Leave now. It’s toxic as hell.
What comes to mind is, is she doing the things she’s accusing you of. Either way, that’s really unhinged behavior. By allowing it to continue, it’s effectively enabling her.
She is a master manipulator, give your good energy to someone that deserves it. Your wasting your years being miserable.
Sounds like she’s the guilty one
Super codependent
She cheated on you and now she’s projecting her guilt. She needs to find dirt on you to make herself feel better
this is not healthy leave asap
A guilty person will project onto you what they are doing themselves!
Check her phone and all socials!
How do you ever go to work or shopping?
If she truly doesn’t let you leave call emergency and tell them you need an escort to leave your gf. She’s abusive and won’t let you leave on your own. She’s holding you hostage.
Your gf is paranoid and could become dangerous to you.
How is she going through your phone?
She either cheated or is actively cheating! Women who cheat will often project that onto the person they are cheating.
This is also a sign that SHE could be cheating. Cheaters always project like that. I’m guessing she still leaves without you? Won’t let you go through HER phone? If she’s not cheating, she toxic AF. You can’t live like this man.
None of this is ok and it will rob you of your peace. My first suggestion would be therapy but she doesn’t seem open to holding herself accountable. If you want to save the relationship, therapy for her is a must. I’d say get out now because it will only get more difficult. The one-sided thinking and obvious double-standard is not fair to you.
You said this is new behavior? Is it possible she’s cheating? A lot of people feel guilty and project their own bad behavior onto others. They think it’s possible you’re cheating because it’s something that’s in their mind from their own bad behavior. Not saying this is the case but a sudden shift in behavior like this is odd and super sus.
My ex did this, she played the super jealous girlfriend game to make me feel guilty and to divert any suspicion away from her because she was “so against it” meanwhile she was screwing a work husband for at least a year, I’m not saying she’s cheating on you, but people who obsess over things that shouldn’t be a topic of discussion at the moment are usually hiding something
Leave now. You cannot cure toxic behavior.
She has no respect for you.
Sometimes accusations can also be confessions.
Maybe she cheated on you and feels insecure that you might leave her.
Oh, I think you have a fucking clue what to do.
Time to tell her to stop or it’s over! But maybe it’s not you could it be she’s doing the things she’s accusing you of? 🤔
Bro i think she’s the one hiding something, and maybe all she is doing is because she thinks you would do the same as her (whatever she’s doing and hiding)
Maybe couples therapy if she’s willing, if not you probably need to take a break from each other and see where things are at after.
She might be insecure about something that happened in the past and is projecting that onto you.
The more control you give her , the more control she will want and demand ‼️ so that’s up to you
I’m sorry… won’t let you leave the house? Checking your phone without asking? Stalks your location?!
Annnnd whyyy does she have trust issues? Mayyybe SHE knows a lil something about cheating?
She has zero right to control your movements, who you see, where you go. None.
She learns to deal with your basic rights as a human being in a free country or, guess what… it just ain’t gonna work.
I’m willing to bet anything that your girlfriend has, or is still cheating on you. Because she has done it, she knows how easy it is and has projected her guilt onto you. She thinks you’re hiding something because she is hiding something.
The fact she wants unlimited access to your phone while also refusing to allow you to look at hers is even more evidence of this.
She is manipulative, is gaslighting you and trying to isolate you. Do not let her do this, because if you allow this, she will continue to get worse.
Leave her immediately, she has poisoned the entire relationship and nothing good will come out of it for you.
Edit: I should probably mention that you should do some preparation beforehand. You need to let people know what’s happening and that you intend to leave her. The fact is a person like this could accuse you of SAing her in order to ruin your life, or potentially even try to kill you. You need safeguards in place.
You need to break up.
This is classic projection. She is not fearful of you: she is fearful of herself.
No hyperbole: it’s not a stretch to assume there is another man who is trying to talk to her, or already talking to her. And she is entertaining it. And the fact that she is capable of that scares her, and makes her project that fear of herself onto you.
This is a classic pattern.
I’d recommend checking out /r/bpdlovedones and seeing if any stories there resonate with you.
You break up, that’s what you do instead of being treated like her personal property. 4 years your relationship has run its course. Time to end it. Untangle your living situation, finances etc.
your ex girlfriend, what?
What the hell does this mean?? Just leave
She cheated and she is projecting
I dont want to accuse anyone of anything, butttt….
It is a known fact that people with zero morals believe everyone else pretty muxh have zero morals. Long story short, if they steal, they believe everyone steals & would not trust you around their personal belongings. Im sure you gwt my drift…
Also, if it’s making you unhapoy now…imagine being married where she will shorten your leash even more. Can you handle that for the fest of your life?
If the genders were reversed and she was a man doing this to a woman, most people would immediately say its abuse. Because it is.
You need to leave.
It will not get better. You need to decide if you want this for the rest of your life, or if you want to be with someone else. I suggest moving on.
And I suggest counseling. Talk to a relationship expert who can guide you through what is failing in this relationship, and how to prepare yourself for the next relationship so it is much more healthy.
I can’t think of many reasons why a change, unless she has a friend going through some scenario and she is protecting it in her own relationship, a lot ò poeple ưho do đô thị I have noticed are doing it themselves and that’s the underlining worries they have. All in all, it sounds like you have tried fixing this situation to no avail. It’s hard when the other person is in denial or maybe embarrassed to admit fault. I have noticed in these scenarios that it seems I point blame when I structure my words. So now I will say, for example, instead of why it’s do you realise that you do this and its constant? You are obviously doing it for a reason. Is something bothering you? We can talk about it
Whatever she’s afraid you’re doing is what she’s already done this relationship is toast
This is a huge red flag. It doesn’t matter if the partner doing that is male or female.
She wants absolute control because of her jealousy and insecurity.
It’s not sustainable. You’re not going to be able to get a single moment of privacy. I was married to a guy that started doing that after we had been married a few years. It’s going to get worse.
He would even find a reason to be in the bathroom when I showered and and started questioning me when I went to the bathroom. I mean, damn, did he have a freaking quota or something?
It doesn’t have anything to do with what you’re actually doing. And whatever you do, it’s never going to be enough.
You could try couples counseling, but if you are in your 20s and already need counseling, to me, that would be a big red flag.
People have different opinions on sharing locations. I like that my family shares our location. To my knowledge, most of us don’t look at it very often, and certainly not to stalk each other. I was in a parent booster meeting that was trying to set the record for the world’s longest unnecessary parent meeting, and my teen used Find My to see that I was still at the meeting b/c she was getting worried that I wasn’t yet home. That was helpful in that situation. If I was in a dating relationship, I would not be inclined to agree upon sharing locations. I think that can creep into stalker obsession fairly easily. I’ve told my teens that I don’t want them sharing locations with friends unnecessarily because I’ve heard that their friends do this or have this done to them by controlling boyfriends and girlfriends, and it is not a healthy platform for a relationship.
Most probably a guilty conscience. She may be the unfaithful one. Or she might be looking for a reason to be unfaithful. Red flags either way.
I would say that it is time to move on.
That sort of behavior rarely gets better.
It just leads to more and more strife, and life is just too short to deal with that.
And of course you will get the barrage of i knew you were cheating on me comments.
Just keep walking and don’t even try to defend yourself
No matter what you say or do you have already been convicted.
Just move on.
Good luck!
Why the hell are you still with her and why did you stay with her or should I say how for 4 years.
Be a man grow some balls and tell her to kick rocks.
She’s got issues don’t waste more of your life with someone like that life’s to short
Tell her you’re feeling more like her child than partner. And if she doesn’t change, you’re leaving.
Also, unless she takes your keys and barricades doors (which becomes kidnapping), you need to go out anyway. Start asserting yourself dude.
From my experience, if they flip out and start being controlling or thinking you’re cheating when you have no idea why, it’s because they are cheating on you. Their guilty conscience doesn’t know how to not project that guilt onto you. I bet if you asked to go through her phone or even tried to do the things she’s doing to you she’d probably flip shit AND you’d probably find something she’s hiding.
The baseline is she is putting on expectations of you she is not willing to meet herself(looking thru your phone but not giving you the chance to see hers). That alone is a lack of mutual respect. Despite what it all could be (projection from her own infidelity, like possibly she has an OF or something) the blatant lack of respect is enough to know this is fucked up and not something you deserve.
Dude. She goes to your phone all the time and won’t let you go anywhere alone but she doesn’t let you go through her phone? She’s cheating or cheated bro. Pretty obvious.. and if she’s not, she’s still being very shady.
Obviously dump her
Call the national domestic abuse hotline. Its 24/7 because buddy that’s the relationship you are in
Run far away. She will only increase in her creepiness and will start physically abusing you. It’s all down hill.
Connect with your family for support or a support system.
Run. 😉
She’s projecting. Either she’s cheating or has cheated and she’s trying to make you the bad guy.
She is probably messing around
Why hasn’t OP said “Fine, let me see your phone as well.” Then suggest that you both share your locations at all times.
I think she’s cheating and trying to manufacture a reason to dump OP. Actually, scratch the above, Fuck games, who wants to live like this? leave.
She has developed insecurity for some reason. It might make sense to take a break from the relationship, even if there’s been no cheating, because something had changed to make her distrust you.
Been there. Don’t do it. As everyone says. She’s projecting her behaviors onto you. It’ll get worse.
She’s cheated on you
Dump her. That is no way to live life.
She is doing something sketchy and is projecting her paranoia on to you.
Source: I’ve done this multiple times to multiple partners. Therapy was how I stopped.
She looks at your phone and you know about it. Youre the chill one. She sounds really insecure and im sorry but you cant change that for her. Did something happen in her life that could have led to her changing? Its also very suspicious that she won’t let you also see her phone. Not a good sign as im sure you’ve read that in the other comments. If youre close with your mom, she would give you the best advice tbh.
i had a partner cheat on me. when they were cheating they kept accusing me of cheating. i have never challenged on anyone in my life so i was confused by the accusations. it made scene six months later when i found out they had cheated on me. sounds like it is time to walk away if there is no trust there is no relationship
Speaking only for myself, I could never be with someone who attempted to exert this much control over me. It’s one thing for a partner to ask about my plans or what I’m up to or where I am at a given moment, but I would not stand for someone trying to prevent me from leaving the house. Nope. Nothing is worth giving up my independence.
Someone already said it, but she sounds like she’s projecting and that’s she’s the one cheating
Don’t stand for this type of behavior. Don’t waste your years on someone who is controlling and abusive.
I think she’s cheating on you, that 100% sounds like projection
Won’t let you?? Just go. And stay gone. People like this are abusers, plain and simple.
I don’t know why you guys think she’s cheating. She’s literally clinging onto this guy for dear life. Something else is going on.
If you really want to fight for this relationship suggest couple counseling.
If she rejects that then it’s time to leave.
Dude this sounds like the type of people that do shit behind your back and feel guilty and project that shit onto you. Not to make your paranoid or anything but you def should talk with her. Maybe mention like “how come out of nowhere you’re so suspicious of me when i don’t give you reason to be?” because shit like this is just complete bullshit man. I honestly hope that isn’t the case tho, wish you the best.
Trust issues,biggest deal breaker!
“My girlfriend is insane but I want to save the relationship, what should I do?”
Read that out loud a couple times and come back and tell us what you decided
Why do you want to stay with soneone who has not trust in you? That’s not a healthy or sustainable relationship.
You need to set boundries about what you will and won’t tolerate with her behaviour and stick to enforcing them. If she can’t deal with not knowing where you are and who you’re with – she has issues that need to be addressed – because that’s not normal.
My husband and I share locations but I check it maybe once a week, normally so I can time dinner right. I am not scrutinising which shop / cafe he goes to on his lunch break or timing his weekly football game etc.
That chick is cheating on you, broski. She projectunge. Leave now before she tries some crazy sheet.
my mannn what will a grilfriend do more than hookers dump that bitch
Walk away mate she’s cheated
Whenever someone’s talking about their significant other and using the words…won’t “let” me or won’t “allow” me it’s time to get out of there.
She may have been the one unfaithful
It’s time to go! There’s nothing else really to say here.
Good luck! 🤗
She definitely cheated and did something extremely nasty and the guilt is eating her up
Has her friends seen you (or someone that looks like you) at a place she would be jealous of?
How much does she mean to you?
If alot, give her your phone, ask her if she wants tracking set up ( for each of you)
Otherwise ask her, you need to decide if this is worth it, she’s not hapoy
projection projection projection projection
Dump her.
It seems to me like it’s time for her to be your ex-girlfriend. Something has happened that it’s making her act the way she is acting now.
I had an ex like that, she was always paranoid I was going to “fuck everyone I met” there was absolutely no precedence for this, she was masking the fact that she had fucked around on he multiple times and projecting her fear of being caught.
Leave her now, nobody needs this level of bullshit.
Break up. This is a controlling and abusive relationship. It will only get worse if you stay.
Plan before acting. Make sure your documents are safe in a bank or even with family or a friend. Have a male friend with you when you tell her because she’ll likely get physical. This will also give you a witness. If possible have your things already packed but definitely make sure you take everything you want at the time so there’s no need for future communication.
She doesn’t trust you. It’s likely she never will, now. Her conduct betrays that.
Whatever concerns she has, listen to what she says. If her actions are reasonable, compromise.
If not: draw a line in the sand that says: “That’s enough. No more sh*t like this or I am gone.”
Should it continue, Make It Happen.
You don’t have to live like this.
Go through her phone. She is cheating
Why does your gf have the pin for your phone? Super weird.
No fr man her not letting you see her phone when she can openly go through yours is very telling that she could be projecting on you. Controlling people that stress the idea that you’re cheating on them only do it cause that’s what they would do if they cheated. They look for things that they hide. I’m telling you my buddy went through that same stuff, we really all trusted her and gave her the benefit of the doubt and what happened? She cheated on him. Well, she met someone before they broke up and entertained him the whole time until she found something to get mad at my buddy for and then she left him and had the other guy already lined up.
As others have said, she is the one cheating or has cheated. So she’s trying to catch YOU cheating so she can break up with you and come out the better person when she’s actually the one in the gutter
If you don’t want to be a prisoner, you need to start working on your exit plan.
Go to a relationship counselor
She cheated…..RUN!
Sounds like an anxiety disorder. As others have said, she may be a bit of a cheater, but I doubt. Therapy helps sometimes.
Shes cheating and projecting it onto you, even if she not that is a good reason to break up, do it.
Tell her the old Seinfeld joke that men want the same thing from their underwear and their women: a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.
Break up.
Abusive af. Make your exit, friend.
yeah, if she’s going through YOUR phone, but won’t let you see HER phone…
i would guess she cheated or is cheating and is looking for an out that she can blame on you for.
Why do you want to make it work? I wouldn’t want to make it work with someone who clearly doesn’t trust you.
Shes cheated or is cheating..
In situations like this, is it possible SHE is guilty of something? There’s an old story of a brother and sister who agreed to trade, all her marbles for all his candy. The brother secretly kept his favorite candy before they made the trade, then got very upset after the trade because he thought his sister probably kept some of the marbles!
If there’s no trust, there is no relationship. End it now. The sooner you do, the sooner you can find someone else. Life is too short to waste time on these crazies.
Run!
Time to move on.. it won’t get better just worse
To me, it would be a red flag that she started acting like this; because, after four years, I’m thinking she has relaxed and her true self is revealed.
My opinion is this is how she will be with you from now on if unchecked.
I have a dear friend who married a guy who, after they were married, launched into stalking-like behavior. Would freak out about every little thing she did, always trying to catch her cheating on him or to monitor her. The slightest thing, if the curtain was moved to look outside, it was a thing. (I remember she told me he got upset because the curtain looked like it had been touched and didn’t look quite the same as the last time he looked at it)
It became almost every move she made, he was suspicious. She wasn’t cheating on him, of course, but this obviously came from some kind of insecurity.
She just couldn’t stand it anymore and ended up divorcing him. This friend of mine has alway been very easy going, friendly, and happy. The marriage was like a dark cloud that settled over her life.
So that is what I thought of when I read your post. Some people, also, cannot be convinced or satisfied of anything you say to explain or defend; words are meaningless because of their fixation.
4 years is a long time but when the dynamics change like this, it might be time to ask yourself if you want to let her continue to try to control you or get you to admit you’re hiding something all the time.
Just tell here you think you should both have find my iPhone on in case something happens to either of you. She’ll either turn it off and lie pre you will see where she’s getting banged out at. She’ll either turn likely wants you to break up with her so you’re the bad guy.
Time to move on bro, good luck in the next healthy relationship
Usually it’s projection- they know they cannot be trusted so they think everyone else is like them too.
She cheated.
She is cheating or cheated.
Cut and LEAVE
She’s projecting, you need to leave.
“Won’t let me leave the house alone”, “stalks my location”! You make it sound like she’s victimized you and you’re powerless to stop her!
Break up, move out & move on!
Google Borderline Personality Disorder. Read then run not walk away from her.
From my own experience, several times over, the people who constantly accuse of something are the ones doing it themselves. So many red flags here, especially since she won’t let you go through her phone.
The controlling is only going to get worse. Next time she wants to go through your phone tell her you’re not going to let her until you’re allowed to go through hers. In the meantime, start planning your escape. Get all your important documents-SS cards, birth certificate, bank details, any and every thing, together first, and move them somewhere safe that she can’t get to them. Either a friend or family member you trust or a bank vault. That way she can’t sabotage you.
She already cheated on you. Standard textbook behavior.
Unfortunatelly it almost always get even worse. Live your life if she can’t deal with that there is no future for your relationship
End the relationship and move on.
She goes to your job with you as well?
100% she cheated and is projecting. I’ve seen this happen to friends before. Sorry for your loss man. Its not going to stop any time soon either, you will never get your privacy back and she just might cheat again
Good to see this now before you’re married. I’d run.
My aunts always said “a hit dog will holler”, in other words she’s cheated on you and is trying to find a way to justify her actions.
She is either cheating or having some mental issues.
Tell her she needs to go to the doctor so they can discuss her paranoia.
She cheated and is projecting. Text book guilty conscience. “If I did it he must be doing it or trying to”. My advice would be to.press her about her paranoia and see what kind of illogical excuse she gives.
She is abusive and scary. You need to leave her assp.
Accusations are just projections.
The fact that she won’t let you see her phone screams that she’s guilty.
But even if she didn’t cheat, she’s crazy and a hypocrite. When you get in a relationship with someone, you implicitly accept the risk that you may have to hurt them if it doesn’t work out and vice versa. You can’t avoid hurting her, that’s just how it has to be.
When someone starts LETTING you, ALLOWING or NOT ALLOWING, it is time to go.
She’s cheating my boy
This is abusive. If a guy was to do this to a woman everyone would tell her to run. What she is doing is wrong and do not excuse her behavior
She is cheating on you. I’m nearly 100% sure.
I had an extremely controlling ex in the past. We tried everything to fix it including multiple relationship therapies sessions. We found out that she had a trauma to be abandoned and it was so deep into her that she just couldn’t get rid of it. It was damaging me a lot so I left the relationship.
She’s cheating and trying to find some way to make you the bad guy.
Your girlfriend is a controlling narcissist. Get away from this unhinged person. Just surprise her and split up. What are you, a child? Do you enjoy this prison lifestyle? Whatever you do, don’t get her pregnant. I said, surprise her with a breakup without announcing it because these kind of abusive controlling women are not above messing with your condoms or stopping their birth control. They don’t want to let someone easily go that they are able to control. RUN 🏃
She’s cheating, dude. Just tell her “With your growing need to control me and invade my privacy, and your refusal to offer up the same disrespectful caveats I wouldn’t want to do to you anyway, I am falling out of love with you quickly. I feel thagmt you just have cheated on me since I certainly never cheated and your feelings are coming from somewhere — that somewhere is obviously an internal thing in you. I don’t care about the cause or need to know the answer. I just need you to calmly go away as quickly as possible.”
This sounds like she’s cheating, brother.
This is not “jealousy,” it is control. Going through your phone, blocking you from leaving, tracking you, accusing you while hiding her own phone are abuse red flags. Stop location sharing, lock down your devices, and tell her your non-negotiables: you come and go freely, your phone is private, and trust is required. Offer counseling if she owns the behavior and wants to change. If she denies and doubles down, make a safe exit plan with friends or family and leave. This does not get better by appeasing it. Your freedom is not up for debate.