I, 34M, have been dating my girlfriend, 36F, for 2 years. We’ve always had a pretty steady relationship because before we ever dated we were friends. We’ve worked with each other for a little over a decade now and I watched her date her now ex fiancée and was there when they broke up. Anyways, she had a child by him 5 years ago and I was there through it all, I even babysat her daughter, let’s call her Gigi multiple times and looked at the little girl as a niece. When my girlfriend and I started dating, it confused her a bit as the guy she had thought of as an uncle was now spending the night and taking her mommy on dates but after a while she began putting two and two together and began calling me daddy just as she called her own dad. Last year she was diagnosed with Pulmonary Vein Stenosis which I thought was insane as she was a child who was almost never sick despite being born prematurely. Both my girlfriend and her daughters dad spent countless hours at the hospital to ensure that the doctors did all they could in order to help but it seemed to move faster than we all expected and it took 6 months for it to claim her life. I watched my girlfriend break down and I wished I could take the pain away from her. I watched my girlfriend plan her only child’s funeral which ended up being a cremation ceremony as she wanted to keep her daughter with her forever. Our boss gave her time off as he was widow and understood what it meant to lose a family member and now she never goes out which I understand. Watching her has been hard on me but so had losing the little girl. I looked at her as my own and in the final weeks of her life all I could see was the infant I had been so excited to meet. All of our other coworkers who knew the little girl understand my pain but they don’t understand the way I read to her when I spent the night, cooked her favorite meals, and even the joy I felt when my girlfriend told me that her daughter had requested that I pick her up from preschool. The same little girl I had introduced as my daughter at parks despite no blood relation would never ask for my help with homework again and the only person who fully understands is my girlfriend but she just lost her little girl and nobody is feeling it worse than her. Should I tell her or keep it to myself?
Should I vent to my girlfriend about her daughters death?
r/Advice
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Tell her. She might want to hear from your prospective. Maybe she would be cherishing those
Moments & memories you have too.
Grief counseling can help too. You’re grieving your loss too. She was a very important part of your life too
tell her. you are grieving. you can share this.
Definitely tell her. Sharing in grief brings you closer together and shares the pain so maybe it’ll feel lighter in a way. Talking about good times or even just venting about it is healing <3
Grieving isn’t measured nor is it a competition of who knew who longer who is related to who. You are allowed to grieve and you are allowed to open up to your partner.
Yes absolutely. Knowing how much you loved her daughter could help with her grief. Its genuine. And it could help you heal as well.
Don’t call it venting, call it sharing memories with her. Let her know when she isn’t in any emotional distress, that you might not fully understand what she is going through but you did care deeply for Gigi and are grieving too. I think it’s good to let her know you’re always there to remember her daughter, that if she ever has memories she wants to share or even hear from your pov that you’ll be willing to share because you miss her too and want to talk about those memories with her. I’m sorry she lost her daughter, but I’m also sorry you lost your daughter too. Family isn’t just blood, it’s okay to grieve too
Definitely share.
You’re in a no win situation and it’s nobody’s fault. Grief makes people do things in ways that people do not see coming. Will she welcome your grief as it validates that this child was loved and gives her someone to grieve with? Or does she get angry because you could never understand the grief a mother or a “real parent” is going through.
Both are very possible reactions and she can’t be blamed for responding either way. That’s not fair to you but this is one of those situations where fairness is not really a consideration.
When my wife was going through cancer I’d go to the bathroom and cry. I’d come out with a happy face and tough it out when she broke down. My role was cheerleader and I didn’t want to add to her burden or fear. Was that the right call? I don’t know. It got us through it. But that was me.
I feel like if I were you I’d want to share how much the daughter meant to me. What parent doesn’t want to think their child touched everyone that ever met them. I’d start with that. Ease your way into the conversation. You’ll see how she reacts. You’ll know where to stop.
I wish there was a better answer but I’m afraid it’s such a personal feeling to lose a child that even someone that lost one can’t say how the next person will react.
Men tend to kee grief to themselves, and all womenwant to do is cry together. Ask her if its okay or a good time if you’re worried, but generally women find sharing emotions – even hard ones – very cathartic and close.
Tell her. Not only does she probably feel no one understands the pain she is facing, it will be refreshing to know that you loved her daughter so much that this is taking a huge toll on you also. Remember her together. Just be there for her in the best way you can. Stick by her and love her during this hard time because she’s probably going to get worse before she gets better. Being vulnerable to her about your feelings will mean a lot. I’m sorry for your loss & I wish there was more to say to make it better.
Yes, you absolutely should talk to your girlfriend about this, but one concept that I think is really important to keep in mind is the rings of support.
The concept is that you are the center of your rings, and then the immediate ring around you is the closest people to you (friends and family, therapists), then after that is acquaintances and co-workers, then people you only know casually, etc. when you reach out for support, you decide what circle of support you are looking for, but you also have to remember that you have to look outward for support.
The point that I’m making is that while this absolutely is impacting you, and you have every right to want to have these conversations with your partner, this is her child and you are her outer ring of support right now, and talking to her about it is fine but leaning on her emotionally when she is the one who needs the support could get problematic. That’s not to say that you can’t admit that you’re struggling with this loss, and in fact, the shared burden might be something that helps the both of you get through it together
Just look for someone else you can confide in. A therapist even for a couple of sessions, or if you’re religious your pastor, or a family member or your best friend. Don’t make her. The only point of support for you is all I’m trying to say. She’s dealing with a lot and it’s not a terrible thing for you to reach out to her and to talk to her about this, as long as she’s not responsible for helping you through this. You need to be there for her right now
You should discuss (not vent) your grief with your gf. She has to know how much you loved her little girl, she saw you with her. When you hug your gf for comfort, take that comfort for yourself as well. You are allowed to feel all the emotions. I think she will actually appreciate you coming to her, you can grieve together. Be there for each other. She has to know how you feel, she’s just so wrapped up in her own grief (which is so understandable) to be able to see you. So show her.
Grief isn’t a competition, please don’t diminish your grief. Of COURSE your grief will be different than hers, but as you said, you’ve been there this little girl’s entire life. Grieving together could help you both. Sharing stories of moments that were awe inspiring, moments of pride and joy, funny moments, sweet ones, quiet ones, keeps her memory alive.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’m very sorry for your loss!
Grief is a heavy, heavy load, and it is easier when carried together.
My condolences. I am so sorry that this happened. I agree with others that you should share this with her. You’re not venting. You’re sharing the most cherished memories and thoughts of this little angel. This doesn’t burden your gf. She’ll be glad to know and share your thoughts and grief.
I think it’s good to talk about stuff. People acting like your world didn’t have an awful even can feel eerie.
Depending on your GFs personality… You might want to try for a good time and place to bring it up. (For a lot of people, in bed isn’t ideal as that can be bad for sleep hygiene). But you know better than we do for this.
From someone who lost an unborn child – I would deeply appreciate if someone brought up that grief with me. Remembering my son and expressing sorrow over not being able to share moments like doing homework together, throwing ball, taking him to the zoo etc. It’s so common to feel alone in it all, and people are generally uncomfortable with death, struggling to find the “right” words – meaning they don’t say anything instead, which makes one feel even more alone in missing the loved one.
I’m so sorry for your and your gf’s loss.
Yes, you should absolutely tell her how you feel. This will allow you to grieve together and likely bring you 2 even closer. You both lost someone you loved very much. Now is the time to talk about your feelings and not hold them inside.
Ask her what she would prefer right now.
Tell her you are grieving but you don’t know if she is ready to talk to you about your grief yet. Give her the space to say she can’t deal with it yet or what parts she can deal with. Respect those and work through what you can together.
It’s hard but everyone processes differently.
You need to talk about it. You need to share that pain and I applaud you for thinking of your girlfriend in this time. I empathise so deeply with your situation as you are in a hard position. You were included and there for support but you weren’t a biological relative so people are putting their own expectations on you regardless of your feelings. I can imagine by what you have written you haven’t received the same kind of support in your loss.
I can see how hard this is, how some people may see you as an outsider intruding and any lingering complications with going from friend/uncle to partner/step-parent in family and how your boss/coworkers may not give you the space you need not understanding your pain. From personal experience I can imagine how people may lash out in their grief too. That is a lot to talk to your girlfriend about when her primary pain is as a mother. It’s also a huge amount to deal with.
I would recommend you work through what she feels comfortable to with her and find a councillor to work through what she can’t specifically but in general. It will give you tools to help yourself and her.
As a personal aside so you don’t lose this opportunity to create a shared experience of loss, which has as much value as a positive experience, write a journal. It will help you process, it’s free as a bonus, but it means if or more likely when, she feels ready to share with you you can let her read how you felt in the moment. It gives you a way to put it all down when you can’t go to her. It’s a way to show you weren’t being distant or any other way grief can make you feel and come across to someone also grieving.
Not sure ‘venting’ is what she needs to hear but certainly I think she’d be willing to let you join in her grieving by sharing how you felt about daughter Gigi . You were important to lil girl and deserve to have comfort in the loss
You absolutely should tell her.
Talk to her. You need each other.
Absolutely, at the very least misery loves company, but also I think we often feel alone in grief, and sharing how you’re feeling will hopefully alleviate that feeling for both of you.