I’m currently living a pretty crappy life, I wanted to get married in -Y28/29 but my GF at the time said Y25/26 and she probably wouldn’t stay with me after Y26 without being married.
So I compromised and said Y26 for marriage, but this meant I would need to do 2/3 years worth of work to be stable in 1 year and this is killing me. I am doing my professional accountancy exams which is a 3 year program equivalent to a masters degree. I’m doing this in 1 year and i’m constantly doing exams on top of a full time job which is as you could imagine horrendous. I work 9-5, get home around 6pm and the work on my exams from 6:30 – 11pm and on weekends, I work from 9-7pm on my exams. Iv been doing this for about a year and i’m using my annual leave to revise for this exams so I haven’t had any time off for about 12 months also.
All that is to say i’m going through a lot and I run my own business too, do any hours I get free I’m working on that.
Now the backstory is over, i’m basically depressed, this isn’t sustainable and is basically killing me, i’m getting grey hair etc and I’m I don’t really feel much inside anymore.
So my GF basically says I should try and see her every week, so today I made time for her and took out for a fancy meal and the cinema and this is where the argument happened. She basically started shouting during the climax of the movie, I knew that was going to happen, I was telling her to be quite as we are in a cinema, she started shouting what and went back to saying she knew what was going to happen. I told her please stop talking as it’s very rude to be shouting especially during the climax of the movie.
This is were the argument happened, outside the cinema I tried to speak to her, how was the movie, reply “fine”. Oh look at that over there “Okay”, what’s wrong with you “nothing”. She called her dad to pick her up because we were done and he normally offers to drop me off and she asks me and I say yes or no etc, she didn’t ask her and just said he will make his work home (That was my planned route home).
She then complained to me saying, I know she finds it hard to not say her thoughts to me immediately during the film and she tried very hard not saying it before it happened and I was being dismissive of her not listening to her. I reminded her of the context, she was shouting this in a full cinema which is rude and she said that’s not that point your dismissing my thoughts and not even acknowledging me. Literally back and forth for a while of her saying this and me saying the context. This literally turned into a back and forth exchanging where I said I’m not going to say your right because you can’t just shout in a cinema like that. She then said i’m talking to her like she did it on purpose, I said regardless of it being on purpose your were still shouting on needed to be quite.
Honestly, she has started doing these stupid arguments a lot with me recently and I have nothing left to give. I have no happiness in my life, I just work and can’t even enjoy my free time without these argument. I honestly just walk around and wouldn’t mind if I get hit by a drunk driver because life is killing me slowly everyday.
What can I even do? Any advice please
Comments
Leave her!
Listen bro you need to take care of yourself first! And secondly if she knows you’re under this stress and pressure and is still getting on your back then I would say leave.. you have plenty time to find someone else deserving of you g, keep the head up! And the studying will pay off soon and you won’t need this schedule
Leave her. If she’s pressuring you into marriage earlier than you feel comfortable – what if she wants kids by 2028?
Also, how long have you guys been dating? I can understand her wanting to get married soon if yall have been dating for over 4 years, but even then.
Since you’ve started working this way for the past year and are clearly burning out, have you talked to her about how you’re feeling? Does she know you’re working this hard because you have a goal in mind to hit before you get married?
It sounds like there needs to be a conversation about your future together, and your goals as individuals, to make sure you’re both on the same page and can work together to achieve your plans as separate people and as a couple.
You’re clearly exhausted and she’s clearly frustrated with how things are too. When life is tense, it’s easy to take things out on the people closest to you. To stop this from happening, you need to identify the root cause and fix it.
If you love each other, I’m sure you can both agree to make compromises. I’m sure your fiancée would be more than happy to postpone the marriage if it ensures your health and happiness, allowing you to slow down with work. Equally, you might be pushing yourself harder than you need to – is there a reason you feel like you need to reach a certain monetary goal before marrying? Are you planning on spending a fortune on the wedding? Will life change much after you marry?
My advice, as it often is, is to talk to each other.
Bro to bro and all the other bros in the world.
If your female partner is arguing with you about some complete b.s and or makes you question your own sanity.
Please leave and block all of that nonsense.
Life is short
You dont want to be hating yourself.
We got shit to do in the morning.
Do not marry this woman
If she is making it hard for you now just imagine what she will do to you after the wedding … bless bro 🙏
My first guess would be that she wants out of the relationship but doesn’t want to break up herself.
Could also be other things of course. Stress. Other mental health issues. Or maybe this is who she is when no longer trying to get on your good side.
She is going to ask you to give her what she wants and make it sound like a need. Currently, your own personal needs regarding your mental and probably long-term physical needs are not being met. Meet them. Consider leaving as a viable option.
go get counseling to find out why you are having a hard time leaving her!
From my perspective, both of you guys have needs that aren’t being met. Has she always been argumentative, or is that recent? If it’s recent, definitely talk with her, and y’all need to just be blunt and have a difficult conversation about where these problems and outrage are coming from. You cant fix what you don’t know
Omg, please, why do you think starting a marriage on this foot is normal or healthy? Imagine her with kids? You raising a family with her? Hell no, DO NOT MARRY HER! I have sons and I would tell them to RUN!!! 🏃♂️
She wants to mary the earlier possible so when she leave you she is protected?
Its the only reason why a woman would presure for mariage.
Just reading everyone else’s comments so I don’t repeat the same advice. Draw a line in the sand. Put some time aside to sit her down and talk. Communication is what makes or breaks relationships. You need to be honest with her about how you’re feeling. Tell her that you’re really unhappy (not with her) but that you’ve worked yourself to death over the last 12 months because you want to hit this goal of marriage at 26. You did this willingly but now it’s become too much. Ask her if she wouldn’t mind pushing the wedding back a year for the sake of your mental health and so that you CAN have more free time for her.
This is a test. How she reacts will tell you what you need to know. If she truly loves you, and isn’t just focussed on herself. She will be understanding and feel bad that you’re under so much pressure. Depending on past tramas (idk her) she may get defensive thinking you are blaming her and that it’s all her fault, if she goes down that route cut her off and say “I’m not blaming you, this isn’t your fault, it’s what we both wanted, I’m just saying it’s not physically possible anymore for me to continue at this pace. I’m going to end up really ill or severely depressed.”
I agree with another commenter that relationships are not always 50/50. But you shouldn’t be doing this much and she should be supporting and understanding where possible (or what’s the point? Why would you want to be with someone who didn’t care about your feelings or how this is affecting you?) Your wife should be your best friend. I know you have feelings for her, and I’m not telling you to leave. But if she doesn’t care or makes it about her that’s the biggest red flag ever and she’s doesn’t love you. I’m sorry x
No one could handle this much stress and exhaustion and still be a sane functional happy person for their partner.
You’re burnt out. You need a break.
Edit. She shouldn’t be pressuring you into marriage either. I was pressured into it (26 at the time) and for me it was a huge mistake. I stayed when everything was his way. I lost my spark and grew miserable and quiet over the years. I kept assuring myself that I could “make this marriage work” TLDR: Ended in divorce and later met a man that still makes me heart skip when he comes home 8 years later. Marriage is a huge step not just the next logical step that some people see it as. It should be with someone you KNOW you want to spend the rest of your life with. (Don’t get me wrong, you can think that and it could end anyway. Shit happens, but if before you get married, if deep down in your gut you don’t feel it. LISTEN to that feeling.) YOUR HAPPINESS MATTERS TOO.x
Marriage should be with your best friend. Someone you can talk to, laugh with, go through tough times with. Support but also be supported.I don’t know you two and you could have really good moments. Just don’t rush into something because someone else wants it. It has to feel right for you too. (Also if someone says they are in love with you but will leave if you won’t marry them 1 year earlier than you wanted…or can even afford… that’s just bonkers to me. That’s not love x)
You are NOT compatible… That’s it. A partner adds happiness, they don’t constantly take it away. What she is doing is anything but loving. Love yourself and end this.
Do you think she’s gonna put less pressure on you after you through school and married? Let me answer that question for you. The answer is no. If you wanna live your life like this, then keep going the way you are. Otherwise tell your girlfriend that she can move along and go find somebody else and you’re gonna do school at your own pace and not kill yourself. Trust me, you will find somebody a lot more loving if you’re available and out there and not dead from working so damn hard. Run boy run.
Yeah, she doesn’t like you big dog
Don’t marry her. You’re taking on an awful lot of pressure and she doesn’t even seem to care. She’s selfish and a bully, by the sounds of it. Leave her
Even if she’s super hot, leave her. You are a man who will be a high earning man one day. The world will be your oyster. Your value is appreciating and hers is depreciating. Leave this worthless waste of human life who doesn’t even have basic proper manners or decency. Can you imagine taking this sack of garbage to an office party.
May i ask why you want to marry her? Is this how you want your marriage to be? Giving everything to your partner and not receiving much? I have been reading your comments, you really seem like a good person. You sacrifice a lot for someone who doesn’t deserve it. You deserve better. Please take care of yourself. Life can be better, don’t loose hope.
Your girlfriend reminds me of my ex-bf who had BPD. He was similar to your gf, he was unemployed and would pick fights with me whenever I’m busy working and also broke up with me during those times, adding lots of stress to my already stressful job. We managed to get back together, but it turns out that he had never loved me because he dumped me again many years down the road (the final discard). Your gf sounds very very similar to my ex-bf, so if you don’t dump her now, she might end up dumping you in future, or maybe divorce you in future.
I think you need to first tell how you feel to your fiance. It seems that you’ve been keeping it to yourself alot and I think you need to maybe rant to someone or let it all out. Your feelings and mental health are your number 1 priority. I honestly think you could use therapy because handling so much at once is so much and this on top is driving you insane. If there is someone other than your fiance who is close to you like parents or friends let this out to them. Worst case scenario is you leave her but I don’t know if you wanna go to that route
Something has to give for you. You can’t keep this pace up long. Decide what’s easiest to drop. Then drop it.
If you’re not happy you’re not going to make her happy. You owe it to yourself to be happy. She obviously has her own problems. Don’t let her make them yours.
First, you got too much on your plate. How can you focus if your mind is on a few other stressful happenings.
Second. Get rid of her and don’t look back. Think of this. You work all this time to build a great life, is she inspirational in helping you achieve that goal? She’s a headache. You might think you love her because the sx might be good but she drains you. Thats not what a real relationship is supposed to be like.
I dated a bunch of women but could never get that one I wanted to settle with. A co worker invited me to his farm in colombia. It was very calming and relaxing. While there i watched his workers interact with their wives. Nothing but respect. No loud talking, they had dinner ready everyday, they inspired these men to keep going. After seeing that, I vowed to never date in America again. Now I make almost 200k a year because I found a filipino girl that inspires me everyday by simply being grateful for the little things and not wanting to argue over even smaller things. Relationships can make or break you. Make sure you choose wisely.
She’s picking fights, because she’s not mature enough to give you the support you need, and doesn’t want to be the bad guy and break up.
She wants to point the finger at you as the cause of the relationship downfall.
Break up. Focus on you.
I’m guessing culture has something to do with this as most westerners would not marry someone they don’t live with or don’t see every week.
At that stage of the relationship, I would want to see my boyfriend much more often than once a week, too. It doesn’t sound like you are on the same page regarding what you want out of a relationship. That might mean that this isn’t the right relationship for either of you.
Life’s never good when you rush. This modern world of greed makes us work 10x harder for stability than we need to already. I would say you guys are just stressed out going through a hard time but when you say she’s rushing the marriage and kids I just don’t see the reasoning. Thats where it gets hard to understand because we should all want a better future, not to rush into something that might just repeat everything we were preventing. I hope you can communicate and find out why she feels she needs to rush things, when you guys could slow down and be happier doing it. It’s going to be hard but you can make it happen. It’ll be worth it, stay strong OP.
Give yourself a break. You can’t change her, you can only change yourself. How would you like to do that? Is this pending marriage still worth it to you with all the expectations. You’re right, it’s not sustainable. If you rearranged your work/study/business commitments in a more doable schedule, even if it takes longer than her expectations- if she walked away, would you be relieved? I’m sorry but she seems kind of self centred and inconsiderate of others and yourself.
Why do you need to do 2/3 years worth of work to be stable? What does that have to do with marriage.
How long have you already been together? You shouldn’t compromise if you aren’t ready, but how long would have been together by 28/29? At least 3 to 4 years. I can see if you’ve been already dating several years how that would be a long time to wait.
Her not being able to control herself in a movie theater is a separate issue. She also can’t take accountability for her own actions. You don’t like being around her, why are still with her?
Do not marry. You’re not ready. Focus on you – your career, getting stability, and what makes you happy. Then the right person will appear. You are still young. Wait until you are in your 30’s.
You need to step back from the intense work and study schedule.
Your fiance aside, it’s not actually required to have a stable career, purchase a home, etc. before getting married. Maybe I’m just an old person, but people used to get married and start out together in a crappy apartment, and support each other through school and build a life together.
There’s also nothing wrong with finishing school and things first, but you should not be destroying your health to do it on a timeline.
You only get one body and one brain in this life. Take care of them.
From your post and someone the comments you left you here, it seems like you really resent your girlfriend. Just break up. I’m not going to condemn her as harshly as other comments have, I don’t think her saying the timeline she wants to get engaged in is all that evil. If you’ve had conversations about how negatively that affecting you and she’s been dismissive that’s terrible, it however is not mentioned in this post. If you’re avoiding the conversation because you’re worried about her reaction your communication issues are too big, again you need to break up.
I don’t know why the story about talking during a movie is on here. It really seems like you hate her and you made this post to revel in people dunking on her. Maybe she deserves it, but from what you’ve included in the post I have no idea how openly you’ve communicated with her about all this. You’ve clearly decided she’s the villain, BREAK UP WITH HER
It’s a toxic relationship. Your woman is also not understanding of the situation only her insecurities of not being married. Dump her. You are also holding on to her as some kind of delusional future is gonna happen with her, it’s not. It’s gonna be more fighting against her feelingsand emotions, followed by nagging, bickering, and withering unhappiness for both of you, +50% of your assets gone.
Leave the relationship. Focus on your career first as you originally planned, once secure look for a partner. Not a demanding child.
Before you make any rash decisions. Have you told her all this. Have you explained all of your backstory as to why you would not like to be married so soon and spoken together as a couple as to what would make you both happy. I understand her feelings feel overwhelming and would like to point out that it may be that her feelings and fears are overwhelming to her as well and so she wants to share with you and that is why your dismissal of them only heightens her fears. Sit down with her and give it time, explained how you feel and what you’ve got going on in your head and try to come to an agreement that lightens your load and puts her fears at ease.
For example-would you guys do well having a long engagement. That way she can get the commitment that you love her and want to be with her but it can wait until after your goals are completed. If she cannot be understanding of you then I agree with everyone else, break up. But just make sure you’re making decisions based on the truth you both have of your own perspective. I am only bringing up this idea from my own personal experiences I have. I have a guy who held a lot in and it was hard to know where his head was at or what was on his plate. I didnt take it as far as your fiance but I do see what may be playing out here based solely on the information youve provided. Sometimes you have to be more upfront than you think you need to be. To both sides it may be obvious that the other should just get it. But in truth, noone truly knows unless its said aloud. Assuming she knows how you feel is unfair. If I just pegged this all wrong, like I said, totally get it and maybe breaking up is best, but Id like to think that you asked for advice because you care.
If your other half makes your life worse and not better, they are not the one for you
As someone with kids your age, this breaks my heart! I also just resigned from a job that took the life out of me. I’m an accountant and understand the dedication it takes to pass the CPA exam. You MUST step back from all of this before you crash and burn. It’s going to take you a long time to mentally and physically recover from your current situation.
The first step is to stop this race to finishing your exams with a deadline created by someone that cares more about their goals and not you or your health.
Next, decide what you want to do about the relationship. Tell her you’re slowing down and doing what’s best for YOU and then decide if she’s really who you want to spend your life with. Always keep in mind she was okay with you destroying yourself to meet her arbitrary deadline.
Leave her
I would leave her. Just rip the bandaid off and tell her you don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. She sounds very immature. It will be ten times worse if you marry her.
If it is true what you’re saying, you have to leave her
Just drop it, you’re too young. There will be someone else.
Drop her like a rock
You just need jesus put it in prayers or contact me for prayers God can do it +237652755267
Really there are a lot of poor choices being made here why? Why are you choosing to do this to yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror and ask that…
She put a deadline on your relationship, ignoring your goals or even trying to have an actual conversation. She then expects you to prioritize your time with her despite your increased workload due to the forced shortened timeline. She also only seems to be concerned with her own thoughts and feelings in all circumstances. Unless you’re failing to explain your lack of proper communication or boundaries in these circumstances, then I’d say this relationship needs to be done. I don’t think it’s possible to be satisfied in a relationship with someone ago is completely inconsiderate of everything that has to do with they’re partner
Cut back on work, ditch the girl and make space to enjoy your life.
Delay your stability. You’ll pass your exams and still not feel stable. Your woman seems to have other issues.
Sounds like she was more committed to the idea of marriage than she was committed to being with you. Now it sounds like things are going off the rails and you want to jump off. Don’t make a bad situation worse by getting married.
A good relationship should make your life more peaceful, more happy. If the relationship is stressing you out and making your daily life harder, it’s not right for you and you should leave.
Your gf wants a servant to her whims. But you deserve a partner.
Doesn’t seem to be ‘the one’ now does she??
I believe you are clinically depressed. Can you find a way to get some therapy or at least talk with a counselor? You can’t be happy with a relationship until you’re happy with yourself.
Not just leave this broad. Friggin ghost her. Just stop talking to her. She seems like a major c@n!.
When she eventually does get you, just tell her that if she cant understand why you broke up with her that she’s delusional. Yelling (or even just talking) in a movie theater is the height of rude. The fact that you’ve been working your tail off and she still demands you take her our indicates that she doesn’t care about you or your wellbeing. She deserves nothing from you, not even an explanation.
Is your girlfriend black?