I am 32,(blk,m). I’d say I’m pretty handsome, and a chill guy for real. Most of my life I’ve identified as a homosexual. In my past, I was essentially conditioned to be this way, and starting around age: 9, I was groomed into oral favors for around 9 or 10 years… or at least until I graduated high-school. So it was pretty normal for me to fall into my sexual orientation. Im going to intentionally fail to mentionI whom. However, lately as I’ve grown into adult hood ill say after around 25 and forward i slowly started to develop sexual feelings for women. I have been wanting to explore that side of myself but I’m under the impression women don’t want a man who is that way. This is going to sound weird af, but I’ve watched “korn” with women only, and been able to release from that which was surprising. I know there’s something there but I’m almost afraid to try, plus I wouldn’t want anyone to have expectations I can’t achieve. I also don’t want to lie, because there’s no point in lying, it does nothing but make things worse. Maybe I’m just over thinking…
Anyway, I just need advice on what to do, especially at this grown age…
Comments
It’s totally okay to question your sexuality at any age. Take your time, be honest with yourself, and don’t rush You deserve to find what makes you happy How do you feel about exploring this side slowly?
It’s completely normal for your sexuality to evolve as you get older. You don’t owe anyone a set label… just be honest with yourself and the people you connect with. Take your time, explore at your own pace, and don’t let fear stop you from finding what makes you happy
Bi gal here. I didn’t come out until I was 28. It’s totally normal for queer folks to discover themselves later. I suggest exploring with bi women. Many would be thrilled to be with someone else in the queer-sphere and are less likely to be judgmental.
The only way to know is to try like, 3 times minimum. Why 3? Because the first time I’m learning the ropes of the sexual activity involved, the second maybe it’s the partner I am with, but if by attempt 3 I am like “this ain’t doing it”, maybe I’m legit just not into it.
Edit: also, for context, best lover I EVER had was a former gay guy turned bi guy. There are absolutely women who will look at your past (consensual, adult) sexual experiences positively and be happy to show you the M4W ropes.
You’re quite possibly straight. I’m sure you have some girlfriends that would be willing to help you figure it out.
The best sex comes from a place of trust. That can take a while to find at times. This will work best if you find a woman that you feel that you can be truly honest with. You don’t necessarily have to go into specifics about your past if you’re not comfortable, but explaining that this is all new for you will help.
I know it may seem like women will be put off by this, but your honesty and transparency about something so intimate will also help her grow to trust you. I have seen a lot of posts on here from girlfriends who are talking about boyfriends having sex for the first time. Some of them had experienced sexual trauma in the past. Overwhelmingly, I see women who are asking how they can be supportive. What they can do to make their man comfortable. Seek those types of women out.
I recently read an article in which a psychologist said that most people are not purely gay or purely straight, but fall somewhere in between. Your experiencing feelings for women is purely natural. It might be best to go with the flow, and see where it takes you.
That’s how I found out I was bi. Sexuality is a spectrum.
Im very sorry for what you went through. I personally think that sexuality is not a choice but it can be highly influenced by what one experiences especially in their most formative years, just to validate you with that. I (24F) found my Dad’s ‘korn’ at a really young age which was all women and i think that definitely influenced my bisexuality, where to this day I have an odd understanding/relationship with it.
I’m just saying that sexuality is so fluid and our relationships with it are not always cut and dry, and I just want to reassure you that you will absolutely find the right person/people, boy or girl, to support you as you explore yourself that way🩷 I have a boyfriend that happens to be highly feminine and he is my perfect partner, I love him to to death and wouldn’t have him any other way. Social norms have a way of making us think that the majority means everybody but it doesn’t, there are thousands if not millions of woman like me that love and even prefer a feminine man, in a lot of ways it feels like a feminine man is more in tune with his masculinity. I am just really rooting for you and wish you all the best man💓
You have absolutely nobody to satisfy but yourself. Take your time, you can experiment by going on Plenty of Fish or Tinder, or join a bisexual or LTBGQ+ club! However, you won’t truly know, until you try a few times, with straight, gay and bi, but don’t become discouraged as it’s a process and therefore takes time and patience to have been with several people of varied sexual orientation!!
I didn’t come put until my late teens or even start exploring til then. Started with bi curious to Bi to Pansexual to Omnisexual. And I grew even more im also Demisexual, sexual self can change. And im telling you, as a person who loves any and all genders, we don’t care.
Some might, but you can weed them out carefuly, ive dated so many Bi guys, and they are absolutely wonderful. But if you wanna play it safe, find another fellow Bi,Pan,or Omni person who is already accepting. Take care and happy exploring!!
Just be honest with whoever you decide to explore things with. I have no doubt you’ll find a safe woman to talk to about this who’d be willing to try things with you at your own pace. Communicate your needs.
And it’s ok and normal for sexuality to be fluid and ever-changing throughout your life.
I’m sorry for what you went through. That’s brutal man and you deserve to feel safe and confident in your own body. Hope you find that for yourself. Listen to your body and consider therapy and meditation. 🤍
I came out as Pan at 27. Im 29 now. Im also married to a man. Always assumed I was straight, but over the years, im like, oh… shes gorgeous or they’re gorgeous, and my husband was like imma hold your had when I tell you this, but you’re not straight . He also figured out I was nonbinary before I did, too, lol
Just ask a female friend who you are close with that knows you are gay for a favour
These are hard conversations to have with ourselves, let alone somebody else. You are approaching the divide from the other side. It must feel strange. You are going to have to be courageous. And you need a friend who will help you explore. Neither of those things are easy.
Sexuality can be really tough when you were abused as a kid, even without orientation confusion. I think this is above reddit pay grade for the most part and would definitely reccomend talking to a trauma informed therapist.
What’s been helpful for me and other people I know who were abused as children(mine wasn’t that bad in comparison but I know a couple people who’ve had similar experiences to you);
Work on not doing things in the moment just because you are expected to/comfortable with it, take time to ask yourself if you really want to do an act before you do it
know that its ok to experiment or think about experimenting with things different than what you are used to and think about how it makes you feel both before and potentially after if you go through with it
if you have trouble with compulsively doing things for validation then work on self esteem and coping strategies that are unrelated to sex and/or romance.
Honestly sometimes a friend can be the best place to start. When I was wanting to explore things I chose to do so with a friend (not a very longtime or incredibly close like best friend, but someone I could trust) and it was a really safe space to figure stuff out with very little pressure and neither of us ever had feelings or any intention to date, it was just sex. This won’t work for everyone and is super dependent on the people in your life, but I was lucky in that regard.
30, blk f, I can’t know what your exact situation was, but my first grooming and sexual experiences were with girls as a child and that continued for quite some time. Eventually I realized I had the desire to have sex with men as well and was sexually involved with both men and women into adulthood. Eventually I realized that a lot of my tendency to have sex with women was a result of what happened to me when I was younger and me boxing myself into that.
That’s not to say that sexual abuse or grooming makes people gay, that you’re not gay, or that you’re going to have the same types of revelations about sexuality that I’ve had. I’m just saying I guess that I hear you, and that you may come to find that you aren’t as gay as you thought. It’s certainly worth acknowledging how you’re feeling and pursuing relationships with women if you’re drawn to do so. Like everyone else said, just be honest with them.
I hope you learn more about yourself and feel at peace with what you find. If you need to chat, I’ll listen 😊.