So me(36 f) and a couple of other friends had a get together over the weekend and were sharing weird family traditions including traditions about each other families.
I have mentioned that I find it weird how my friend “Katie” (34f) parents insist on her kids to call Katie’s younger siblings uncles.
To paint a full picture, Katie has 3 full siblings siblings, “Anna” (30f), “George” (12m) and “Nick” (1yo). Katie herself have 3 children who are Andrew(16m), 10yo and 3yo, not to mention her nephews who are 10 and 2.
Andrew and my daughter “Emma” go to the same school and are in the same class, they had a task last year to write about their families and the entire class including the teacher was confused about Andrew calling George and Nick his uncles due to the age difference. Andrew said he usually refers to them as bros but his grandma (Katie’s mum) throws a fit and demands Andrew and any of her grandchildren refers to her younger kids as uncles and treats them as adults.
I have expressed how weird it is to Katie, encountering the times when she said she left her younger children with their uncle and pointing out neither of the said uncles are fit enough to look after another child. The group including Katie agreed it is weird, however later each of us received a call from Katie’s mum blaming us that Katie and her sister are now refusing to leave their kids (her grandkids) with their uncles because we called it weird and that I am an asshole for bringing it up being weird in the first place.
Edit to add: the reason why it is weird is that in my culture (slavic) if you call someone an uncle or an aunt it is either someone who is older than the person talking, or it is the about a stranger/adult family friend. It is uncommon and wild to call someone younger or the same age uncle/auntie, unless you are filling the generation tree
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
So me(36 f) and a couple of other friends had a get together over the weekend and were sharing weird family traditions including traditions about each other families.
I have mentioned that I find it weird how my friend “Katie” (34f) parents insist on her kids to call Katie’s younger siblings uncles.
To paint a full picture, Katie has 3 full siblings siblings, “Anna” (30f), “George” (12m) and “Nick” (1yo). Katie herself have 3 children who are Andrew(16m), 10yo and 3yo, not to mention her nephews who are 10 and 2.
Andrew and my daughter “Emma” go to the same school and are in the same class, they had a task last year to write about their families and the entire class including the teacher was confused about Andrew calling George and Nick his uncles due to the age difference. Andrew said he usually refers to them as bros but his grandma (Katie’s mum) throws a fit and demands Andrew and any of her grandchildren refers to her younger kids as uncles and treats them as adults.
I have expressed how weird it is to Katie, encountering the times when she said she left her younger children with their uncle and pointing out neither of the said uncles are fit enough to look after another child. The group including Katie agreed it is weird, however later each of us received a call from Katie’s mum blaming us that Katie and her sister are now refusing to leave their kids (her grandkids) with their uncles because we called it weird and that I am an asshole for bringing it up being weird in the first place.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for bringing up that Katie’s children calling Katie’s younger siblings uncles is weird especially when they are left alone with them.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
>Andrew said he usually refers to them as bros but his grandma (Katie’s mum) throws a fit and demands Andrew and any of her grandchildren refers to her younger kids as uncles and treats them as adults.
INFO: Just to clarify, a sixteen year old is expected to treat his one year old “uncle” as an adult? If so, that is… simply crazy.
But they are the uncles, they are the mothers brothers so that means the mothers children are her brother’s nephews. It should be an uncle in name situation due to the ages and yes I agree they are too young to be babysitting the younger kids
I was so confused reading this because they ARE their uncles? Yeah, the age difference makes it a bit disconcerting, but it’s factually correct.
NAH, both of your opinions make sense.
INFO
OK… how old is granny and grandad?
And why don’t Katie and sister let their kids see their little uncles any more?
YTA
Not sure if you’re aware of this or not…. But Anna, George, and Nick are in fact…. .The UNCLE and AUNT of Andrew and his siblings. Just because he’s older than them doesn’t make them any less his aunts and uncles.
YTA they ARE uncles. The very definition of aunt/uncle is a parent’s siblings.
Well, they ARE Katie’s kids’ uncles because of them being her brothers, regardless of their ages, but being expected to treat them like they’re adults when they’re not IS definitely weird.
Katie’s mother also seems a tad unhinged.
YTA. They are the aunt and uncles. You shouldn’t have said anything. You are messing with someone else’s family dynamic, of course you’re the asshole. I have an uncle a year older than me. Uncle does not imply babysitter. It means that he’s my mother’s brother.
You made a new account to post this? I call karma farmer.
Uncle or Aunt doesn’t have to mean that they have to be a certain age compared to the nice or nephew.
There are lots of people who have aunts and uncles their own age or younger.
Using the technically correct term may seem weird to outsiders at first, but isn’t inherently wrong.
However letting kids babysit their younger relatives and implying that the opposite is true is weird and wrong.
They are their uncles, referring to them as such is perfectly normal. Being forced to call them uncle and treating them as adults is just unhinged behaviour.
NTA. My family has a big gap in ages where my great grandmother had a bunch of kids with her first husband and then married again after he died and had a bunch more when those children were adults.
My mum refers to her cousins as aunt and uncle because they’re a similar age to her mother. Those same cousins refer to my grandmother (their aunt) by her first name because they were effectively raised as cousins.
It doesn’t matter what shape your family tree is, it matters what you’re comfortable with. And I’m not calling a child my aunt or uncle.
ESH. Calling people younger than you uncle/aunt when they are siblings to your parents is the correct familial term. It’s not weird to use it and is entirely down to the family. My dad’s two younger brothers have always been first names to us (despite being in their twenties when we were born), but both parents’ sisters and their husband have been aunt and uncle. My sister has three kids and I love that I’m ’Aunty __’ to them. Just showcasing that within the same family the rules are different, none of them right or wrong
On the other hand, expecting older children to treat literal children as adults is strange. The 12 year old babysitting a 10yo and 3yo is perfectly valid depending on the maturity of said children tho
NTA, yes they are technically uncles but you can’t expect a 16 year old to call a 12 year old his uncle unless he finds it funny. reminds me of that modern family episode with luke and manny
They… Are the kids’ uncles?
That said, if you know about your friend leaving her toddler in the unsupervised care of a 12 year old you should call someone about that.
ESH. You’re insisting they deny reality and Katie’s family is apparently leaving babies in the care of children and pretending that’s ok.
INFO – I don’t think Y T A anyways, I’m just curious. When you say call them uncle to you mean they can’t say “Hey Nick,” but have to always say “Hey Uncle Nick”? or do you mean that they have to say “My uncle George goes to the same school as me.” because “My brother George goes to the same school as me.” is factually incorrect?
Secondly, what culture is this and where do they live? I live in a country where we use “Aunt” and “Uncle” a range of things including “Grannies and Grandpas” I would feel weird if someone 18 years younger than me calls me “auntie” even if that does kinda make sense to do so. I always get called “big sister” even with that age gap. But in the culture I grew up in most people only call their biological/legal aunts and uncles like that, and even then a lot of people skip it. It really depends…
You did say she wants them to treat Nick and George as adults, so that does seem odd to me. However, if she’s dealing with everyone assuming she’s her kids’ grandma and that’s getting reinforced by her grandkids telling everyone that they are their brothers, I don’t think she’s unreasonable for trying to nip that in the bud.
Yea.. YTA. By literal definition they are their uncles. And I’m assuming by the age differences, the 12 y/o uncle would watch the 10 y/o and 3 y/o and that is quite normal actually.
I’m sorry, what do you expect them to be called if you just want to throw it all in the air and say screw it? The only thing that was strange was the grandmother wanting the word “uncle” to be used and to give the 12 y/o more responsibility, and even then, as long as it isn’t overnight it isn’t that difficult to give some cut up soft food to a 3 year old and plop them with some toys, or to set up the 10 year old on a show they like if it’s for a few hours, and I’m assuming 16 can take care of himself and very clearly does not want to watch his siblings so it’s either the uncle or mom can chip in hundreds upon hundreds ((bordering thousands)) for childcare a month.
Instead, as you all approach 40 you all chose to throw a hissy fit about how the family functions ((and has been functioning)), titles used by family members, and are causing issues just for your prides. There was no issue with being referred to as uncle, there was no issue about babysitting before you grilled into your “friend”, aaaaaand now the entire family dynamic gets to change because you all threw a hissy fit……
This post does not feel like it was written by someone approaching 40, I genuinely had to do a double take that you all aren’t college students. Seriously? Using the word uncle means that much to you? When THIS is one of those exact occasion those titles were made for?
Edit: also no…. I highly highly doubt grandma wants the 12 y/o to walk up to his 1 y/o uncle and ask how his stocks are….. It’s a matter of respect, as in ‘dont bully them, treat them like a typical sibling, or put them lower than you’ sort of thing. Idk though if Grandma has enough determination I’m sure she can teach lil “Johnny” to play some Texas hold’em.
What do you mean by ‘treat them as adults’?
Your friend’s brothers are her children’s uncles, regardless of the age difference. Calling them ‘uncle’ is factual. Now, expecting the toddler to babysit his teenaged nephew would be ridiculous, but in this case the uncles happen to be the same age or younger than the children.
YTA for making a big deal out of this. Families come in all configurations, including with large age differences between the kids.
So my mom was the youngest of 11 kids and had nieces and nephews who were older than her. They still called her aunt when she got older. I don’t see why the grandma should be cranky about it when they’re so young, but as they get older, they should at least occasionally throw in uncle. Either way, it’s the kids choice, not the grandparents.
They are literally Katie’s children’s uncles. Age has no bearing on familial relationships at all, I don’t even know why you’d think it would.
Uncle = brother of my mother or father
YTA for encouraging the children to think that having younger aunts or uncles is weird or in some way something to be ashamed of.
YTA
In a lot of cultures this is how it is. Family structure is very important.
In my culture, it is exactly like this. I have a nephew who is 5 years younger than me and he has to call me uncle (we are both in our 30s). His parents would be very unhappy if he doesn’t.
Additionally, kids of older siblings are also treated as higher status. My nephew in his 30s has to call my niece who is in her teens “older sister” because her dad is older than his mom.
Don’t be judgmental. It’s different for you but it could be an important part of their culture. There is nothing wrong with it, no one is harmed in anyway.
YTA
They are their aunts and uncles. That’s just fact and there’s nothing weird about it.
I have met plenty of uncles or aunts who are younger than their niece or nephew.
It’s only weird to outsiders. I have a first cousin once removed, we have a 9 year difference. Some elders told her not to cry because she needs to set an example, which made her cry even more. Thinking back it was extremely funny. Especially because she was 3 at the time.
To me it’s just a respectful title, which asians tend to use as a method to put their children in their place. Be more mature, look at how other children are or you are the elder here due to their position as their uncle or aunt.
With family, the children should use their proper titles. At school, I wouldn’t force it on them. It just raises unneeded questions and awkward conversations with outsiders. But I think children finds it funny and would use to tease their uncles/aunts. Smart children would use it to their advantage haha.
YTA… They are by definition the uncles, doesn’t matter if they’re younger or older than Katie’s kids. A sibling of a parent is an uncle/aunt, simple as.
Also, for insisting it is weird – family structure can be a very cultural thing, and to some people it is more important than others. At the end of the day, it’s a terminology that fits.
What would you rather have Katie’s children call Katie’s siblings?
YTA, they are uncles. That is literally the definition of an uncle, a male born to your grandparents. Who cares the age difference? My dad was 18 years younger than his brother and 15 years younger than his sister so his nieces and nephews were closer in age to him than he was his siblings – they still call him Uncle cos he is their uncle. Acting like that’s weird or in any way your business just makes you seem weird tbh.
YTA. You’re putting the emphasis on the wrong thing here. The issue is not them being called uncles, because they are uncles. The issue is them being treated as adults when they are just kids. A 12 year old kid and 1 year old baby are not a suitable babysitters for 16, 10 and 3 year old kids (can’t believe I just had to type this). Treating kids like adults is not okay and that warrants more than a single sentence in this entire story.
YTA. It’s really none of your business.
I get that the family titles are the same, but it is weird to try act like a 1 year old is equal to an adult. If you had older siblings they are still the ones left in charge when mum and dad are out, they are not equal in responsibility.
On that front though if an uncle or an aunt who is at a peer age would rather be called by their name and not their title, why does mum get a say, especially if her kids are to be regarded as the elder bunch.
This is all just messy, I thought the 9 year aged gap in my family was weird, but 20 years, same parents, is wild
Okay, there are a couple of different things going on here.
Calling them uncles? Not weird, they are infact uncles! I grew up in an old school Italian American household and this was completely normal and more common than you’d expect.
Leaving the 10, 3, 2, or 1 year olds with a 12 year old? Not weird.
Putting a 12 year old in charge of a 16 year old just because he is the uncle? Weird, but also kinda funny if its a joke.
Putting a 1 year old in charge of anyone? Insanity unless again a joke.
When I leave my family, including my extraordinarily capable husband, I often leave either my dog or youngest “in charge” as a joke. I return to tales of just bacon for dinner or bath time at petco because of choices the dog makes.
Im going with a gentle ESH because you’re judgy over a kinship term that is technically true. Changing their family dynamic just because of your comment makes them an asshole. Who cares what you think? And if anyone is putting a 1 year old in charge of anyone they are assholes who are endangering children and they should be reported to authorities.
Sounds like the kids are aunts and uncles. So why is that weird?
My mum has an aunty who is 7 years older than her. Mum said that they just treated their aunty like an older sister
Why do you care so much about something that’s completely unrelated to you?? That’s really weird and I feel like you could spend more time focusing on what your own family does. Just saying..
I mean, they ARE uncles. Also, I know times were different but I was babysitting my younger sibling and my older MRDD sibling when I was 10. I knew how to use the phone for 911 if needed, how to bathe and change my infant sibling and how to cook basic meals. My point is, it IS possible. I don’t think you’re the AH for thinking it’s weird because it’s not in your experience but you are kinda the AH for judging the practices of a family you’re not even part of. Basically, it’s not your business as long as no ones being hurt.
NTA the asshole is Katie’s Parents. I don’t have a problem if Katie’s kids choose to call their aunt/uncle by those names but forcing it is weird, plus “respect them as such” when they are unable to be responsible adults (since they are children) is dumb. Long shot guess Katie’s mums is forcing the family tree so that her own kids don’t accidentally call her granny; I have to call my parents “nanny & grandad” around my niblings since they have copied me when I refer to them as “mum & dad”.
In reference to the uncles babysitting the older kids; I refer you to “you’ve got mail” where Tom Hanks babysits his brother & aunt, they joke about it but he’s very much the adult in the situation. Also I know a friend who’s half sibs are teens but their child (young but school age) refers to the adult sibs as aunt/uncle but the half sibs just by their name.
YTA. Uncles are by definition brothers of a parent. King Of The Hill made a whole thing about it with “Good Hank”. No one’s saying they have to get baby sat by the one year old. Just to respect where the branches are growing.
My sister’s daughter is the same age as me. I’m still her aunt despite the fact that we grew up together and played together as kids.
NTA because it is weird. I have an uncle a few years younger than me out there somewhere, an aunt a couple of years older than me that I’m close to. I don’t see her as an aunt, more like a cousin or just a family member in general. Doesnt mean I don’t “respect her any less” lmao
Her mom is weird for trying to make children see other children (even younger than them in Andrews case) as adults. They aren’t. They can acknowledge their familiar ties without all that extra mess lmfao what
YTA..
Uncle is a label for a certain family relationship (your mother’s brother/s)
Age is irrelevant.
They are uncles. Uncles can be any age, it’s a description of how they are related. It’s accurate. I don’t think anyone is an asshole here though. You can feel weird about it.
YTA – it’s not weird in their culture, and the definition of uncle is siblings of your parents, so no matter the age they actually are the uncles.
YTA. Why are you involving Yorker in someone else’s family matters? MYoB.