Admitting what happened that night (M)

This is something I’ve never really told anyone except my mum and it’s still one of the most humiliating and horrible experiences I’ve had. I want to try talking about so hopefully this is the right place

As a teenager (like 15-16) I was desperate to go through the ‘parties and too much alcohol’ phase everyone else was going through. I’m currently 30 so this was around 15 years ago. I guess I thought if I did the same as then I’d be accepted as one of them. I was out as gay at the time, and it was even common knowledge that I had a crush on someone (don’t tell people who you like at high school lol). My parents were always extremely resistant to letting me out because I’m autistic.

Most of my friends were girls, and one night they were all having a party – and I was invited! I could finally do that cool stuff the teenagers did on TV! We went, everything was fun, everyone drank ridiculous amounts, and eventually we landed on that classic girls’ night event of ‘hey let’s kiss each other for no reason!’. I didn’t think anything of it really, nor did I feel anything really doing it.

Eventually, one of the girls corners me. For reference, I was around 5’5 and 103 pounds; not the biggest guy around lol. She starts kissing me without asking, which I don’t really react to. Then she asks, ‘do you want to have sex?’. Being extremely drunk (and autistic), I instinctively answered ‘yes’. The question could’ve been ‘is the sky purple’ and I’d have given an affirmative answer. I mean, I wanted to have sex sure…but not with her!

Apparently though minds can’t be changed. She started dragging me through to an empty bedroom, and I still remember scraping my feet against the floor trying to stop it. I tried to tell them I didn’t mean I want it with them, but they weren’t interested. Even after they had pulled my pants down I still tried telling them to stop, that I didn’t want any of this, and even that I wanted my virginity to go to [high school crush] (I’ve always been a hopeless romantic lol).

Here’s where it gets the worst. They started…pulling it around? I guess you’d call it? I was so drunk and upset all I could do was lie there and repeatedly call for help. Another girl eventually came in…to help the one that took me. Naturally, as a gay man, I was absolutely not receptive to these women trying to fondle me, exposed or not. One, who was particularly heavy, sat on top of me so I couldn’t leave. One insisted she gave such good head it wouldn’t matter she was a girl. When they realised it wasn’t going to function (because you know, gay man), they started laughing at how it didn’t work, how it was so small, how I was being so overdramatic and stupid. By the time they gave up, everyone went back to partying and I was expected to join them. I couldn’t even cry, because I knew I’d just be made fun of even more if I did.

To round off, I eventually told my mum who insisted I involve the police. I thought it was the right thing to do, but the police just looked at me like they were one word away from sighing and rolling their eyes’. Like I was wasting their time or asking a stupid question. I still remember one said ‘it’s their word and against yours and there’s only one of you’. It didn’t feel very fair at all.

I’m sorry I wrote so much about a difficult topic but I wanted to finally try and talk about what happened. Please don’t be too mean haha