For background infromation: the flat where me (25) and my fiance (29) live is on my mum’s name. It is not new, has it’s problems but we love it and it is still in good condition.
The first year we went on a family vacation with my fiance’s parents and while we were away my mum came in and cleand the place without telling us. We felt very uncomfortable. It was a breach of privacy and specifically for me it meant that my work of cleaning and making the place ours was not enough. I was not enough and they don’t think me competent or good enough to talk to me about it.
I told my mum that while we were thankfull for the help please don’t do it again because we are not comfortable.
This year, before we went on a family vacation again my mum asked me if she can wash our curtains while we are away. I felt like this was great improvement, she promised it would be just that. Since i need help with that anyway i said yes and decided to trust her.
Fast forvard after the vacation: Whe we get home we it was obvious more things changed than what we know about. There was duck tape covering the part of a furniture where the dog got the gray interior off. We have the exact grey paint for that but it will take more that a little paint and with work and university we did not have time yet. Our tiny rug at the entrance had it’s corner ripped of (it curves up all the time so it was easy to notice). They moved some things here and there but the thing that hurted was the bathroom cabinet which seems like was broken off of one of the places it was attached to the wall and the paintjob on the bathroom celling and toilet wall. Whe had some holes there because of a previous renovation and also my grandma had a similar problem with their bathroom celling so we know a simple paintjob won’t fix it. I know they wanted to help but they never told us about this, never asked us but we told them that we wanted to fix them later. My fiance’s dad did an amazing job in the kitchen so i was willing to wait. I would rather wait for a good job that needs to be done once than fix it over and over again.
I asked my mum why they did not tells us. They could tell we were upset but they did not know that my silence and short answers was because i was trying not to crie. I was not trying to be ungreatfull i just asked for a reason. They took it as a personal attack and basically sent me away, clearly thinking that my fiance was truning me agains them and that is the reasob I’m hurt. Again it is not about the help but the trust. Their trust in me to being able to do things, to be on their level. Them not including us.
So am I the asshole?
TLDR: My mum and grandma came in to wash our curtains but ended up doing stuff with our living space we wanted to do, behind our back while we were on vacation.
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For background infromation: the flat where me (25) and my fiance (29) live is on my mum’s name. It is not new, has it’s problems but we love it and it is still in good condition.
The first year we went on a family vacation with my fiance’s parents and while we were away my mum came in and cleand the place without telling us. We felt very uncomfortable. It was a breach of privacy and specifically for me it meant that my work of cleaning and making the place ours was not enough. I was not enough and they don’t think me competent or good enough to talk to me about it.
I told my mum that while we were thankfull for the help please don’t do it again because we are not comfortable.
This year, before we went on a family vacation again my mum asked me if she can wash our curtains while we are away. I felt like this was great improvement, she promised it would be just that. Since i need help with that anyway i said yes and decided to trust her.
Fast forvard after the vacation: Whe we get home we it was obvious more things changed than what we know about. There was duck tape covering the part of a furniture where the dog got the gray interior off. We have the exact grey paint for that but it will take more that a little paint and with work and university we did not have time yet. Our tiny rug at the entrance had it’s corner ripped of (it curves up all the time so it was easy to notice). They moved some things here and there but the thing that hurted was the bathroom cabinet which seems like was broken off of one of the places it was attached to the wall and the paintjob on the bathroom celling and toilet wall. Whe had some holes there because of a previous renovation and also my grandma had a similar problem with their bathroom celling so we know a simple paintjob won’t fix it. I know they wanted to help but they never told us about this, never asked us but we told them that we wanted to fix them later. My fiance’s dad did an amazing job in the kitchen so i was willing to wait. I would rather wait for a good job that needs to be done once than fix it over and over again.
I asked my mum why they did not tells us. They could tell we were upset but they did not know that my silence and short answers was because i was trying not to crie. I was not trying to be ungreatfull i just asked for a reason. They took it as a personal attack and basically sent me away, clearly thinking that my fiance was truning me agains them and that is the reasob I’m hurt. Again it is not about the help but the trust. Their trust in me to being able to do things, to be on their level. Them not including us.
So am I the asshole?
TLDR: My mum and grandma came in to wash our curtains but ended up doing stuff with our living space we wanted to do, behind our back while we were on vacation.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for overracting and making them feel like i don’t apperciate their help.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NAH. While I appreciate it feels like an invasion of privacy, if you are not maintaining the premises then don’t be surprised that your family will do it for you especially if it is in their name.
NAH – this is not about you not being enough, it is about the fact that they own the place and apparently the furniture as well? The part about the duct tape on the grey furniture? They did that to protect the furniture where your dog got the paint off. They have a right to try and fix the damage they see that you guys either have not made time for, or were waiting specifically for a time to do it all at once. There is no reason for tears here, they asked for permission to come in and while they were they there tried to make repairs on property that they own. They said nothing to you about it, did not attack you or your fiancé about it, you should have stepped out of your head for a bit and looked at if from their pov, and said nothing. You getting this upset over what they did this time, is really not necessary.
Nah you’re not the asshole. They keep crossing your boundaries then act offended when you call it out. It’s your home, not an HGTV surprise episode.
NTA, I have a mom like this, it’s not because she feels I’m not enough, (stop thinking like that, it’s bad for your self esteem) It’s because she thinks she’s being helpful. I don’t appreciate it because she’s taken away my decision making capabilities. Except the cleaning, I’ll happily allow anybody who wants to clean my house to clean, cleaning is the worst.
Have you got a written agreement about you living in her flat? Do you pay rent? Did you agree on the conditions of your stay there?
If not, you have to accept that she has every right to feel concerned about the loss of value in the period you live there. It’s not ok that she doesn’t communicate openly about it, but if she planned to wash the curtains and saw the deteriorating condition of the flat and furniture, it is most understandable that she wanted to have everything fixed while nobody is there.
If yes, you must enforce your boundaries with her, or maybe move out.
INFO: clarification needed, what exactly was done to the bathroom cabinet and holes in the walls?
NTA. But it seems like your mother is kinda helicopter. You should try to leave the apartment and find your own place. She will not respect your boundries so you have to look her out until she can accept that you are a grown up now.
NTA, if you are tenants in a place that they own and you’re in the US odds are good that there are laws in your state that dictate when they can enter your place and how much notice they have to give. The owner is generally allowed to enter the house, but only if they give the tenant significant notice. You should look up the local housing law and figure out what the rules are and which ones apply to you.
It is their responsibility to do renovations and repairs, but again, they need to notify you as the people actually living in that space.
Their intentions might have been good, but communication is key in these situations.
NTA. Is this maintenance by a landlord? Do you have a rental agreement? Do you pay rent? You do have tenant rights, though emotionally that’s harder with family members. If it bothers you that much , move to a place she has no control over and don’t give her a key
NTA, but you need to fully explain why this upsets you and not allow them to blame your fiancé. If you don’t feel like you can say what you need to say without being interrupted or getting too emotional, write it and then have a follow-up conversation after they have read it.
NTA. Been exactly there and the only solution is to change the locks and ban them from being in your space unsupervised.
Expect them to be very unhappy when they find out they can’t let themselves in, especially if they weren’t supposed to in the first place.
You can try and set softer boundaries but it’s unlikely to work.
Longer term you’ll need to find somewhere that is separate from your mom that you can make entirely your own.
NTA. If they wanted to actually help, they’d ask before wielding a paintbrush. Their ego isn’t your responsibility.
NTA. They keep overstepping your boundaries which you have clearly articulated. It is one thing for them to clean the curtains and fix paint work etc. That is part of the apartment. But to touch your furnishings and move things around is not on. No landlord is permitted to do that.
I suggest you move out… They are never going to show you the respect that you want.
NAH- damm its your moms fault for not telling you, for renovating you house with out you consent, etc. i would be mad too. Personally i would keep a straight face and ask for you keys back and to not let her over unless without your permission. You too are both adults and need your own room to live and breath
Move out and get yourself a place they have NO ties to. I WOULD be so pissed. Not to mention people going through my stuff NTA
This is a gray area. You are living in their home – not paying for that – and not keeping up with maintenance. You might always want to get to it later but wear and tear gets worse. If you were paying tenants, this would be a clear overstep by them. But you aren’t.
Nothing is truly free. If you want to have bright line boundaries, you need to pay for that. As it is now, you are more of a teenager living in the family home.
YTA.
NTA. You have to show them this Reddit, because you haven’t explained to them what the real reason is: that you feel “not enough” and “not competent or good enough” for them to talk to you before they just go ahead and fix things to their liking. They are overstepping, but they think they are helping you out.
Change the locks and don’t give them a new key. Also install cameras or ring doorbell outside. If you don’t want this sort of interference then move out as soon as you can untill then just play their game.
NTA. They should stay tf out of your space and not mess with it. Huge violation. Especially after you told them that you were upset last time they did it, and your mum promised to only do the curtains this time around. Of course you cannot trust them anymore.