I (36M) have been quite successful with my life, back in 2015 I have spent 2 years to switch my career field to IT and ever since been earning a bunch. Came to a point where I make (niche field really) around 10 x average pay working from home. Money is no longer a problem, I don’t carve fancy lifestyle and prefer quiet luxury – building generational whealth, my wife doesn’t work, kids get private education, we take multiple vacation a year etc. My only sin is getting a sports car but pretty sure Dave Ramsey would let me pass on this.
My retired parents live nearby and so does my older sister (50F) with her daughter (12F). She is a single mom, hooked up with married guy who later dumped her but keeps supporting financially to a certain extend. She is educated, but keeps making stupid decisions – i.e. getting a dog to cheer her daughter up after the break up, living paycheck to paycheck, always getting newest iPhone (credit), fancy clothes, dinning out etc. She makes below average salary and has absolutely no backup plan. We let her move in to one of our apartments (it is close to her daughter school) after the break up 3 years ago and doesn’t look like she is moving anywhere. Her ex pays for it, but it is just enough to cover the utilities (meanwhile she rents her own apartment in a different part of the city and make a profit), we could have easily rented it out for double the price. She also drives my old car I have let her after her own broke down.
My parents walk her dog as she doesn’t want to wake up early, my parents pick up her kid from the school and walk her home, my parents cover most of her unexpected expenses. My kids can’t see their grandparents very often as they are busy helping her out – i.e. she goes on a vacation and leaves the dog at their place for 10+ days to look after. I honestly feel like she never faces consequences of her decisions and lifestyle.
Recently after seeing what a mess she have made of our apartment we got quite pissed – she works 20 hours a week (education), yet can’t find time to clean, walk the dog, take care of her child or whatever – she spends her free time reading or binge watching Netflix. My parents are not complaining, but I am sure they clearly knows whats going on – she is raising her daughter to be her exact copy which scares me.
We have recently discussed with my wife some investment plans and would like to kick her from our apartment, but whats holding me back is fact that she will move to my parents house (nearby school being excuse) and they will again suffer consequences of her choices. I love my parents and have a great relationship with them so that’s something I would really want to avoid. How should I approach this? WIBTA if I stopped supporting my sister and let her get a reality check? Is there a way out where my parents don’t get f*ked up in the end?
Pretty sure I have made big mistake in the past not setting boundries with her.
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I (36M) have been quite successful with my life, back in 2015 I have spent 2 years to switch my career field to IT and ever since been earning a bunch. Came to a point where I make (niche field really) around 10 x average pay working from home. Money is no longer a problem, I don’t carve fancy lifestyle and prefer quiet luxury – building generational whealth, my wife doesn’t work, kids get private education, we take multiple vacation a year etc. My only sin is getting a sports car but pretty sure Dave Ramsey would let me pass on this.
My retired parents live nearby and so does my older sister (50F) with her daughter (12F). She is a single mom, hooked up with married guy who later dumped her but keeps supporting financially to a certain extend. She is educated, but keeps making stupid decisions – i.e. getting a dog to cheer her daughter up after the break up, living paycheck to paycheck, always getting newest iPhone (credit), fancy clothes, dinning out etc. She makes below average salary and has absolutely no backup plan. We let her move in to one of our apartments (it is close to her daughter school) after the break up 3 years ago and doesn’t look like she is moving anywhere. Her ex pays for it, but it is just enough to cover the utilities (meanwhile she rents her own apartment in a different part of the city and make a profit), we could have easily rented it out for double the price. She also drives my old car I have let her after her own broke down.
My parents walk her dog as she doesn’t want to wake up early, my parents pick up her kid from the school and walk her home, my parents cover most of her unexpected expenses. My kids can’t see their grandparents very often as they are busy helping her out – i.e. she goes on a vacation and leaves the dog at their place for 10+ days to look after. I honestly feel like she never faces consequences of her decisions and lifestyle.
Recently after seeing what a mess she have made of our apartment we got quite pissed – she works 20 hours a week (education), yet can’t find time to clean, walk the dog, take care of her child or whatever – she spends her free time reading or binge watching Netflix. My parents are not complaining, but I am sure they clearly knows whats going on – she is raising her daughter to be her exact copy which scares me.
We have recently discussed with my wife some investment plans and would like to kick her from our apartment, but whats holding me back is fact that she will move to my parents house (nearby school being excuse) and they will again suffer consequences of her choices. I love my parents and have a great relationship with them so that’s something I would really want to avoid. How should I approach this? WIBTA if I stopped supporting my sister and let her get a reality check? Is there a way out where my parents don’t get f*ked up in the end?
Pretty sure I have made big mistake in the past not setting boundries with her.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) Considering kicking off my older sister, who doesn’t hold her life together from my rental property I have let her use. (2) This actions will have huge repercusion on my parents, who will have to pay the price for her poor life choices.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You and your wife have your own lives to live and your own life plans to implement. You should not continue to be responsible for the actions of an adult who does not take care of themselves.
As regards your parents, they too are adults who can make their own choices. If that includes allowing your sister and their granddaughter to move in with them, it is their decision, not yours, to make. After explaining your reasoning to them, stay out of it.
Both you and your parents need to stop enabling your adult sister. NTA imho. You’ve already helped a lot. But maybe coordinate your actions with your parents and give them heads up.
I mean YWNBTA but like, you’re right. It will come down to your parents. You need to have a tough conversation about how all of you are enabling her.
NTA. But for her to get a reality check your parents must be in for it. Talk to them, if they want to continue that or if it is time to set consequences. If so have an intervention with her, that she has to take responsible and that she has this and that time to figure it out befor ebeing kicked out.
Also just because she has to be in school for only 20 hours doesn’t mean she is only working that time. A teacher has to prepare for the lessions, has to correct homework and tests – and all in all (at least where I’m from) a teacher has to spend the same time if not 1,5x of the time in school with work at home
I think you need to sit down with your parents and tell them your point of view. This is hard! Let them know that they do so much for their daughter that she is choosing to live off their income instead of living off her own and living within a budget. This impacts your family since your kids miss seeing their grandparents.
SIs should be walking her own dog and taking care of her own kid. Ask your parents how they want their grandchild to be, will the grandkid expect to live off them too?
I think you need to get your parents involved since if you kick your sis out, she’ll use them even more than she does now. They’re enabling her poor choices and you need to help them see that. Just because you work your butt off, doesn’t mean you need to support lazy sister, she can support herself. You’re NTA.
nta because she’s not doing anything to better herself with your help. You are giving her an opportunity to be smarter with her money and lifestyle choices but she dgaf.
I do not think you would be the AH to stop supporting your sister but you really don’t have any say in how your parents handle that. I too have a sister that can’t seem to launch as an adult and I think my parents completely baby her… but that’s not something I have control over, and neither do you. You DO have control over allowing her to use your apartment so focus on that. Definitely talk to your parents and share your concerns, but know that they’re still going to do what they want to or feel like they need to do with your sister.
Look probably YTA – sounds like you’re able to support her without it intruding on your nuclear family, and whilst extra money would be nice, it isn’t hurting you.
End of the day, she’s your sister. Helping undeserved family is the honourable thing here, especially since you know your parents would be hurt indirectly.
YWNBTA. It’s never too late to set boundaries.
She owns an apartment but rents it out for a profit? You could talk to your parents and make a unified front in getting her to live in her own apartment– and raising her own kid. Your sister is a leech– and not respecting your assets. You’ve done more than enough for her. If your parents want to set themselves on fire to help her, that is on them. NTA
Put the car title in her name (for liability reasons).
YTA
You’re well within your rights, but you are SUPER judgemental in that A-Hole way. The things you rail on her for wasting money on (iPhone and a dog) are a SMALL FRACTION of the expense of raising a child. Not enough to turn around her financial picture. You’re one step away from complaining about Avacado Toast.
Single parenting is HARD. Probably harder than anything you’ve ever done. Certainly harder than anything I’ve ever done (parenting 2 kids, 1 with special needs, with the help of a spouse and one set of grandparents helping A LOT)
You’re under no obligation to support her, but like… you clearly CAN, and it doesn’t hurt you. There’s nothing you could spend that money on (or save it for) that’s goign to be better than what you’re doing for her… and I include giving your kids more generational wealth in that.
YWNBTA-I do agree with another commenter that you need to talk to your parents and tell them if she doesn’t improve then she is out and give a timeline. Let them know that part of the reason is that your daughter is being left out of time with them because they are constantly with their other grandchild.
When they argue she needs more help make it clear that she is about to need more help because they are helping and she is not improving and the cost is to everyone but her. You won’t stand for it and it will just mean a larger disconnect between them, your sister and your family. You won’t be around and will let them all help themselves because you will no longer be doing it. Then say if this is unacceptable or they want to keep fighting you on it then it comes with its own consequences.
She is being supported by you, by her ex, and by your parents. She is 50 years old. She can’t even maintain her cheap apartment?
YWNBTA, but you should sit her down and tell her what you expect of her in return for your assistance, and give her a certain amount of time (6 months?) to shape up.
YWNBTA. You know that you have not actually been helping your sister to have a better life. She just uses the help to keep on doing her same old thing. So go ahead and do what’s right for you and your own family.
How that affects your parents is up to your parents. You can’t control what your parents do. But at least you can set a good example.
NTA. If the people around her keep enabling her, she’s gonna end up depending on you and your parents forever. You need to talk to your parents and talk to her. She needs to wake up and realize she has responsibilities outside of herself and she can’t just dump them on her parents despite them not complaining.