For one, I’m not religious at all. Going to church, to me, is just an action that isn’t going to compromise my own beliefs of anything.
Anyway, some background info on how this conversation occurred. We’re an immigrant family, to provide some context. Years ago my father passed. There was a lot of family drama between our extended family and my mother. Essentially it was a bunch of our parents who didn’t properly communicate with each other and everything devolved into he said she said. All of the drama came from my mom, my aunts, my uncles, parent’s cousins and relatives, the parish. It was like high school. Eventually, one of our family elders stepped in to mediate what was happening and put a squash to everything. Apologies were said and what’s been done has been done. That said, I still am very close to my extended family. We grew up together. We realized from the get go (myself, my cousins, brothers, etc.) that all of the bs and drama was amongst our parents and not with us “children” (we’re all in our 30’s now). So we’re all still on the same page.
My cousin’s wedding is coming up and I am going. My mother is still angry and saddened because of what happened over a decade ago. She’s upset that I’m choosing to attend. She essentially said that I’m choosing them over her. I told her that holding this grudge this long isn’t healthy for her. She gets angry and says other stuff. It was at this point when I told her, firmly, I’m only going to say this to her once and she needs to reflect on it. I told her, you keep asking me to go to church with you and wanting me to participate with the parish, but you can’t even live by the teachings of God. Jesus says to forgive and to even love those who did wrong to you. If you can show me that you can forgive the family, then I will start going to church with you.
Honestly I don’t believe I said or did anything wrong. But I do feel bad that I may come off too harsh on an old woman (she’s in her 70’s). AITA?
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For one, I’m not religious at all. Going to church, to me, is just an action that isn’t going to compromise my own beliefs of anything.
Anyway, some background info on how this conversation occurred. We’re an immigrant family, to provide some context. Years ago my father passed. There was a lot of family drama between our extended family and my mother. Essentially it was a bunch of our parents who didn’t properly communicate with each other and everything devolved into he said she said. All of the drama came from my mom, my aunts, my uncles, parent’s cousins and relatives, the parish. It was like high school. Eventually, one of our family elders stepped in to mediate what was happening and put a squash to everything. Apologies were said and what’s been done has been done. That said, I still am very close to my extended family. We grew up together. We realized from the get go (myself, my cousins, brothers, etc.) that all of the bs and drama was amongst our parents and not with us “children” (we’re all in our 30’s now). So we’re all still on the same page.
My cousin’s wedding is coming up and I am going. My mother is still angry and saddened because of what happened over a decade ago. She’s upset that I’m choosing to attend. She essentially said that I’m choosing them over her. I told her that holding this grudge this long isn’t healthy for her. She gets angry and says other stuff. It was at this point when I told her, firmly, I’m only going to say this to her once and she needs to reflect on it. I told her, you keep asking me to go to church with you and wanting me to participate with the parish, but you can’t even live by the teachings of God. Jesus says to forgive and to even love those who did wrong to you. If you can show me that you can forgive the family, then I will start going to church with you.
Honestly I don’t believe I said or did anything wrong. But I do feel bad that I may come off too harsh on an old woman (she’s in her 70’s). AITA?
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> I feel that I may have been an asshole for saying what I said and making my mother feel like I was choosing others over her.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Good job. She needs to read her Bible XD
NTA and excellent response. She tried to manipulate you and you held a mirror to her face.
NAH. Fair.
NTA, and how you put to her is exactly the way I would. It says in the Bible that if you cannot forgive others, god cannot forgive you. And 10 YEARS! Good grief, how can people be angry for that long?! How can people keep hate in their heart for that long?! You and your cousins are mature and glad to see yall are not letting the older generation destroy your family. Because it sounds like if it was up to your mother, she would let the family fall apart all over some issue 10 years ago…
NTA
Isn’t forgiveness supposed to be a big thing with religious types?
As a Christian myself, I commend you for holding the mirror up to her. We all need that at times.
Do be careful about possible manipulation tactics. You held a reward out to her (going to church), and I can envision a situation in which she pretends to forgive in order to manipulate you into going to church. You need to see the behavior match the words, and it needs to happen over an extended period of time.
NTA
NTA. She needed to hear it. Butr you might have just boxed yourself into going to church against your will.
NTA. Although, if you aren’t a churchgoer I wouldn’t even offer to attend church with her. This is a simple boundary issue. “Mom, I am an adult, my personal relationships are not your concern. I understand you are holding an old grudge against some relatives, that doesn’t give you a right to control my relationships. Please keep your resentment and bitterness to yourself. I know your church and your faith are important to you, so I suggest you work on forgiving your family instead of trying to pass your resentment on to me.”
PREACH ! What you days is absolutely true
Keep saying it
NTA
As a Christian myself, NTA, I think you are coming from the right place. Far too many folks see their faith (or lack thereof) as a way to be “right” without having to do the hard work of being “good.”
A caution- sometimes there are deep-rooted traumas for which the apparent reason for estrangement is just the surface reason. I’m watching this in my in-laws right right now where there’s a dynamic of “nobody has ever put *my* needs first or acknowledged that they should be prioritized so I’m going to take my marbles and go home”. The reaction is childish, but the hurt is real.
Ah, good old Catholic family feuds!