Handling emotionless partner

Handling emotionless partner

My (unmarried) partner reacts defensively when I raise concerns—often turning them against me, focusing on my tone, and pushing me to apologize. If I don’t, he insults or devalues me. He says I should “know when to stop” because he’s neurodivergent, but I react when his words hurt me.
I(38), partner (36) 3 years of relationship

He blames me for our 14-day gaps and says I do nothing to save the relationship. When I ask directly if he wants to meet, he avoids answering and drops hints until I give in and see him. Things are briefly fine, but even small triggers cause him to withdraw, act cold, or declare “we won’t work” unless I prove otherwise—without taking accountability himself.

He only sees my reactions, never validates my feelings, and says he feels “peace” when I’m absent. I told him we’d meet only when he wants to, to protect my self-esteem, but he treats that as me bringing “chaos.” Now he’s silent again, and I feel he’s punishing me.

TL; DR

My partner deflects blame in conflicts, criticizes my tone, and withholds affection or communication as punishment. He avoids accountability, never validates my feelings, and says he feels “peace” without me. Brief reconciliations are followed by withdrawal over small issues, leaving me feeling blamed, unsettled, and hurt.

How do I handle this dynamic? Is leaving him the best for me? Or should I go back and have a conversation? (Ditching my self esteem)