Obvious throwaway but here’s the story. I (27M) have been with my now fiancée (27F) for 12 years, we started dated in highschool, moved, went to Uni/College all that together. The relationship is nothing to complain about, we had rough patches but overall smooth sailing, we barely fight like at all. I wasn’t looking for anyone else and wasn’t unhappy.. but… I met this coworker (33F), I have a strict rule that I told myself that I would never flirt or get a crush on a coworker ever, but she was something else.. instant crush on her, we quickly became best friends and while she does work with me, she works from another office about 2 hours away from me. We started chatting more and more each day and then flirting, telling each other everything. She is also in a long term relationship, but not in a happy relationship like mine, plus she has two kids from this guy who treats her like she’s a roomate and not his partner. The thing is, we told each other everything, and we flirted hard, exchanged nudes and I saw her for the first time last week and kissed.
This is the first time I physically cheat on my partner, I’ve flirted around before, all pretty harmless stuff but still felt bad about those and stopped. But this feels different, we have a connection and this might make me the asshole, but I don’t feel bad. This coworker and I share almost everything in common, we talked for hours on text or at work on random one-on-one meetings while working and never got annoyed or found something that would tick the other person off. She’s gorgeous, exactly my type, matches my energy all off it.. and we joked around running away together, but the more we keep going, the more I actually would be willing to drop everything I’ve built so far to go live with this women and she feels the same. I’ve spoken to my dad a little about how I feel that my current relationship, however long and without major complications… has some issues, the wedding in particular.. I’ve felt pressured into asking her to marry me, while marriage was never really something I cared about, I did it for her. When someone talks about if I’m sure about the wedding or if I look forward to it, I just reply, it’s for her. Of course now I don’t know what to do, my partner won’t see this coming cause every time I brought the subject of being not a 100% excited about the wedding she ignores me. My dad said if I wanted to break things off, he supports me but I need to do it now, or talk things through with her now and not after the wedding. Am I crazy? Am I in a honeymoon phase with this other person and snap out of it? Or is it really that I settled in highschool and now are becoming two different persons? Either way I’m scared shitless and don’t know what to do. If I decide to stay in my relationship and get married in September 2026, I might wonder if it was for the right reasons. If I leave and just be on my own (doesn’t need to be right to this coworker, let’s be real, I’d love to but realistically I’d need to process how I feel about being on my own for the first time since highschool.)
Comments
If you are looking at potential other partners, then you are already betraying your current relationship.
You can either stop doing that or talk to them about an open relationship or end the relationship so that you are free to seek other partners.
Marriage seems like a very bad idea and extremely unfair.
Guy with very little experience getting onehotted by very experienced 30+ years old woman with kids. A tale as old as time.
Dude, this isn’t just some harmless crush we’re talkin’ ’bout. From what you’re saying, your ‘pretty harmless’ flirting ended up with you cheatin’, plain and simple. See, the fact that you’ve got a connection with this new woman doesn’t magically erase the fact that you’re committed to your fiancee.
Maybe you have issues, maybe you settled too soon. But it’s pretty darn crappy to realize this after 12 years of being with her and only months before the wedding. Don’t get her tangled in your mess, she deserves better.
Now, about this fling? Tbh, somethin’ seems off. She’s in an unhappy relationship, you’re confused and it’s all fresh n’ exciting but who knows if it’ll last when it gets to everyday mundanity? You need time to think it through. Not saying it’s impossible, but just don’t rush off with a crush and ruin everything you’ve built,
No
You’ve been cheating with this crush for a long time. And you say you’ve been flirting with other people your whole relationship. You shouldn’t be in a committed relationship with your fiance. It seems like a happy relationship because you are getting things from other people (validation, excitement) that you should be getting from your partner. You need to break up.
You shouldn’t give up everything for this specific crush but since you’ve already cheated both physically and emotionally, you need to either tell your fiancé about this and try to work through it, or end it with her now and spare her from any further pain. I think any other option would be very unfair to her.
You are in a ‘happy relationship’ but you still cheated on her because… of why…..?
You’ve already cheated on her. It’s not a harmless crush, you are talking about running away together.
You really can’t go through with the wedding. It will hurt her and complicate things even more if you decide to split up with her after getting married.
You should end stuff with your fiancée and let her find someone who actually wants to marry her, especially since you’ve wasted 12 years of her life… she’s not getting any younger. Besides that two cheaters deserve each other 💁🏻♀️