Hiya, not really sure how Reddit works but hope this gets across. I only have a couple of days to make a decision so any advice on options would be appreciated. My husband is on here so he might see this too. I’m not some AI bot and this is really long so I’m sorry, I feel like my situation is uniquely garbage.
Basically, my husband (25M) and I (24F) have been together around 4 years, including 2 long distance. Early to get married, but I am in a situation where my family was deported from the country because of issues with paperwork. They are currently residing in Israel now while I remain in the UK. Israel is not somewhere I would like to be with the current situation of the country and I’m not sure if I can express my political opinions on here or not but I don’t agree with what they’re doing and I want no part of it. It is also just not the safest place to be right now. I am pretty dead set against that country and the war going on there. Not to mention I would have to live with my mother again who is an abusive piece of crap.
My husband and I got legally married so I could stay here on a spouse visa. When the news broke that my family was being deported he packed a bag and moved up here from the South and moved in with my family to help us out. My dad flips houses so he came to help my dad finish the renovations before they had to leave. My mother thought he was really stepping up for us so she invited him. Later this became a huge issue.
Before moving up here, he had major issues holding down a job because of his insomnia. He would stay up for ages because he couldn’t sleep and then sleep through the next day. So if he had an interview in the morning he wouldn’t be able to wake up for it – no matter the amount of alarms. I was in a position where I legally couldn’t have a job as I was considered a dependent so it was hard for him to make the money to come see me. The longest he was able to hold down a job for was maybe a month, and with that money he did come up to see me and we had such a great time it was a heartbreak for him to leave. This visit was done in secret from my parents who are extremely strict religious people. It was very difficult hiding our relationship because he isn’t Jewish. I don’t personally care if someone is Jewish or not and I respect his own beliefs completely, but the same cannot be said for my parents. They have always expected my husband to convert for me, which he is adamantly against, reasonably so. This caused a lot of our issues when he moved up here. There were constant fights between him and my mother, especially when she would get drunk (she would use drinking as an excuse to completely berate him and I). He never spoke back to her because he had respect for me and the fact he was under our roof but he would avoid coming home because of her and how she treated him – mostly he would stay out drinking late.
To apply for the visa, he needed to work for 6 months straight. He eventually found a job and worked there for 6 months – cheffing. The cheffing environment is very stressful, he was underpaid and overworked and everyone around him drank and smoked. He was already a smoker so he just picked up the drinking along with everyone else. My husband has psychosis and a whole assortment of other mental issues. He is on medication for it and has seen many doctors. Alcohol, however, triggers his psychosis. I have explained this to him many times. It also makes it much harder for him to get up in the morning, which he already struggled with. While he was working there, he often showed up late or even no-showed because he would be hungover or just struggle to get up. I had already developed anxiety from when we were long distance because I would be worried he wouldn’t wake up in time for an interview, work, doctors appointments and so on, so this significantly increased my anxieties. My right to be here was on the line after all, and I would be incredibly embarrassed when he would no-show and my family noticed and thought bad of him. It also just came off as unreliable. I know that work and my mother was a lot of stress on him but I felt like he was making it so much worse with his drinking. I expressed that to him, and multiple times he told me he would quit. He didn’t. He fell back into that hole every time and he would blame the stress of work.
After we got the visa so I could stay, my family had to leave the country while we stayed living in my family’s place. He quit smoking, and I thought that was a great start. He began just vaping instead. He quit the job and began job hopping about for a while, usually staying around 1-3 weeks before quitting and finding another one because he was unhappy with it.
We tried to have him apply to other jobs that weren’t cheffing but no one would take him, maybe because his CV was all chef jobs. I could see how much stress he felt from his work so I told him I would get a job too and help out (I could get a job legally now) so I got a job in a local shop nearby. This started as part time, working a couple days a week, and slowly became full time and I was working 35 hours on a 12 hour contract. Meanwhile his work schedule slowly declined. Soon enough it was mostly me paying the bills, a lot of it from our savings. So much of our savings went to his drinking. It got to a point where he would pretend to “go for a walk” and he would go buy drinks and drink at the end of the street. When our savings got really low I eventually sent all the money from our savings to my account as I knew he couldn’t be trusted to save money. I got a promotion at work a few months ago which significantly helped with the bills. All the while I was sending the money to our bank account so it would look like he paid the bills (we rent the house off my father) because I was embarrassed to admit it’s been me.
He got a head chef role at a place last year where they were just opening. The owners were very inexperienced. He was the only chef in and was training a pot wash and the owner himself to learn the kitchen because he couldn’t handle everything on his own. He was on very little pay, just above minimum wage – but he took it because he was excited. This obviously ended up a shitshow, and resulted in him drinking his head off. He never once showed up on time to work there. The owners were really upset with him. Sometimes he would no-show there too. Eventually they told him not to come back when he promised the day before that he would be in and ended up sleeping through the day, no matter how much I told him to get up and that he needs to keep his word. This embarrassed me a lot because these people were counting on him and needed him, despite the crappy setup of the place.
This is my main issue with him: unreliability. If he could drink and actually manage himself then I wouldn’t care. After he was fired from that job he went half a year with no job (except one he had for 2 weeks). I kept us afloat. I would have to write him a list of chores that needed done while he was home all the time. I tried to explain to him that he needed to have a look himself and see what needed done (he wouldnt). It ended up making me feel like his mom. I would pretty much have to beg him to cut the grass and after asking day after day he would eventually cut it after a week or two. I felt like he was a child. He would pretty much play games all day – I tried to get him to focus on maybe pursuing education (he’s actually decently smart and really great with tech) or YouTube (he’s always wanted to). He said he would. He didn’t. Sometimes he would start then quit things. During all of this I was doing driving lessons (neither of us drove – the lessons were booked in his name but he refused to get up and go. He told me if I cared that much I should go myself, so I did. Luckily my instructor was very nice and just swapped him for me.) I was also doing an accounting course at college because I really wanted a job that actually made money, because we barely got by. It felt like everything was on me and I was the only one trying to get anywhere.
He began drinking very frequently. At this point over the years I had already told him many times that if he keeps up his drinking he would lose me. He would apologise sincerely and tell me he would stop, but it would only stop for a few days before starting up again. When he drank and I called him out we would get into arguments and he would hold the fact he left his home to come up here to support me and my family over my head. He would tell me off for nagging him about it all the time. He constantly says that whenever I need something he’s there and whenever he needs support and makes a mistake I never do anything for him. However, I feel I have done the opposite. I have offered him lots of help: I suggested gym or boxing (he used to love it) to help him let off steam in a healthier way, I encouraged him and supported when he bought boxing gear and a punching bag (he never uses), I suggested mocktails (it doesn’t “hit the same”), I searched up therapists for him and groups (“that’s stupid”), I tried to create a streak system where he would get a gift after each week of being sober (he didn’t care for gifts), I tried exercising with him to keep him motivated, I booked him doctor appointments for his stomach (which is screwed from all his drinking), I went on cycles with him, I was always there for him to vent to about his stress and I did everything I could to help him feel better. I contacted his mother when he would drink heavily and she would talk to him, but nothing worked.
I eventually got fed up and told him I needed to think about our relationship, and I almost left him. However he seemed to really take things seriously after that and he began doing really well, he started therapy and talking about his issues, he went to see a mental health team etc. He was actually motivated too and would do a lot more around the house. It was nice, and I began to start feeling hopeful again. His sleep has gotten better because we found medication that works for him. Maybe he could change??
Well, we got a car recently and I paid the insurance off with my credit card (his credit score is however negative it can be). First day out driving, I got rear ended while I was waiting for a gap at a roundabout. Took it to the mechanic for a check, turns out the car needs a lot of repairs and not just from the hit. It’s a lot of money. Also, we’re pretty much being evicted from the house. My mother wants us out. So I’ve been searching for a house for us and our two dogs. My husband recently started doing agency work which is a lot better for him as he can choose his shifts. It’s also a lot of pay. He was very motivated.
Obviously, he started drinking again because he was offered pints after work and everything went to crap. He started being sluggish, he picked smoking back up, his mental went down again. He went to the shop, bought a drink and went around the corner to hide from me. I walked out and found him drinking in his hiding spot. Last night he got absolutely sloshed after work to the point he couldn’t cycle home and had to walk the hour long walk. He told me I was cold like my mother and I was a “tick” about his drinking.
I have lost all hope and trust in this man. I know he will never stop drinking. The house lease will be in my name because his credit is so adverse. I have a couple of days to send over the paperwork. He has come to me apologising over and over and saying he will get help and change. I don’t believe him.
I don’t want to be deported to Israel but I can’t stand being disrespected constantly. I don’t want to live with my abusive mother again. I don’t want to live in a country that has committed such monstrosities. I have no other family but them. When my husband is actually sober he is a sweetheart. He cooks for us, we play games together, we go on dates, he is very witty and funny, he always makes sure that I’m okay. He just struggles with addiction.
Please help me if you have any advice on other options for me.
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