I (36F) have been with my husband (37m) for over 15 years. We started dating young and now have two kids. Based on history throughout our marriage and several infidelity instances, I realize I am not as “exploratory” as he is. It has been a huge issue in our relationship for as long as I can remember and an insecurity of mine throughout our whole history and is making me wonder if I am sexually incompatible with him.
Our own sexual chemistry is great and I fully enjoy having sex with him but for me, it’s a deeper and more emotional thing. He explains it to me that supposedly for men, it’s purely physical and most of the time, transactional.
Long story short, he says he wants a marriage that he can fully be himself and at least TALK about the things he wants without judgement. I admit that I have not been as open before but talking about hall passes or the thought of him with someone else bc he’s “curious” is such a huge turn off for me and makes me want end the marriage to give him the freedom every man supposedly wants.
tl/dr husband(37m) thinks wife(36m) is judgmental when he wants to talk about how he was to push boundaries and explore and wife feels insecure and just end the marriage bc of previous infidelities that stemmed from it.
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I think talking about kinks and fantasies together is great. If you’re finding that difficult, I’d suggest talking specifically to a sex therapist. They really can do wonders.
Sounds like he is a cheater, and that is plenty reason for me to end things. The compatibility does matter, but if he’s cheated before, why stick around?
Given the history of infidelity, your discomfort is completely valid. Sexual compatibility isn’t just about enjoying sex together, it’s about shared boundaries and values. If his desires cross lines you’re not comfortable with, that’s not you being judgmental, that’s you knowing your limits. You can try having an honest conversation about what each of you needs, but if those needs fundamentally clash, it might be a deeper incompatibility that can’t be fixed without one of you compromising your core values.
He’s full of BS. It isn’t just physical for men. He wants permission to fuck around. He’d change his tune real quick if you asked to open the marriage to enjoy what he’s already getting.
He want you to be comfortable with him having sex with other men women.
If your not why do you put up with it. Because it’s called cheating. He will continue. Your not just sexually incomparable. Your morally incomparable.
Girl, you have to work on your self-esteem. How low do you value yourself that you are even entertaining this discussion? When will it click that it’s not that you value sex with him more, but he just doesn’t value you enough?
You are in a monogamous relationship, any exploration outside the couple is cheating. You clearly want to stay with a cheater who doesn’t want to change, so either divorce or get therapy so that you can accept it and not suffer more
He’s pretending sexual openness has to include non-monogamy, and it doesn’t. You entered a monogamous relationship. He wants to change that.
Which sounds like a good time to end it
No, men do not view sex as purely transactional without any emotional connection. In fact, most research has shown the opposite. Men rely on sex for their emotional bond, while women often view sex as a transactional activity that isn’t based on any intimate connection. It’s a common misconception though and truthfully, while your husband sounds like a bit of a dick? I find it hard to blame him for that understanding, it’s the conditioning and education around sex most of us were exposed to growing up.
15 years together, and now he is saying he wants a relationship where he can be free to express himself? Question? Who is stirring his pot?
He doesn’t just want “to talk”. He wants you to give him permission to cheat. And he’s going to keep bothering you until you do. Or until you snap.
He’s full of shit. Not just about that, but about all men finding sex as a purely mechanical and non-intimate need that doesn’t involve any kind of emotion or feelings. It’s such extreme bollocks, in fact, that I can only think that he said it as an excuse for him wanting to screw other women. “See? It wouldn’t mean anything, darling.”
I also bet it’s such extreme bollocks that if you expressed an equal desire to go outside your marriage to do the same, he’d flip out.
People outgrow each other in marriages. Particularly when they marry young. I imagine that if you tell him you’re not agreeable to opening your marriage, or letting him shag other people, or whatever it is he actually means when he talks about being “curious”, he’ll just do it behind your back anyway. Or he’ll beg and nag and resent you forever. Or you’ll say ok just for a bit of peace, and then you’ll feel resentful and hurt and unwanted forever.
There’s no solution to this besides giving each other the freedom to live as you want to. I imagine he’ll realise pretty quickly that the grass is far from greener, but I also think that you’ll discover a whole new world of peace and freedom and independence that you will not want to give up again. That’s my hope for you, because this guy is trash.
You are married to a cheating jerk who can’t keep it in his pants. Let me guess, he cheated on you during pregnancy/postpartum when you were exhausted and trying to care for babies (I expect mostly without his help) “oh it was just physical…I have neeeeds waaahhh!” Let him go try and be single while having to care for two children 50% of the time without your help. I expect divorce would lighten your housework/mental load substantially in addition to freeing you from someone who can’t stop bugging you about getting his 🍆 touched.
He’s lying. He just wants permission to be with other women without you getting mad/finding out. It’s one thing to want to be able to “explore” but that exploration should be with you, no one else. No judgement to those who explore with others, but if he knows you don’t consent to that, it’s not wanting to explore. It’s wanting to cheat at that point.
I’m not buying the purely transactional statement. Admittedly, from time to time I’m not really in the mood but will still do it just because I know my husband wants to and I want to please him. And there have been times where he stops and says he can tell I’m not into it, that he doesn’t just want sex. It’s more than that. So it’s definitely not just the act of “having sex” that all men want.
He’s an idiot
There is nothing wrong with the boundaries you have. Respect is a two-way street, and I am so sorry that he is pushing you to consider things beyond your comfort zone. You don’t deserve to be treated like this.
I would have a few talks with him and mention about some (possibly fake but maybe not) wealthy male admirers you would enjoy going on a classy date night with, who have inquired about your availability on certain evenings.
2 can play. But maybe it will jar him into realizing you are valued more than a hot night out.
But if hes cool with it then id be leaving
He wants to be both single and married at the same time. You need to make him choose.
Yeah, sounds like he’s an asshole (and I’m a guy btw). Oh, and not all men see sex as just physical. It’s more nuanced than that.
I’m a male, and this is horseshit. He’s blaming you for his issues.
We talk about it all, plenty of openness and yet, still, neither of us cheat. Don’t be gas-lit. Tell him you’re interested in kink with other much younger men in a group setting, and see how fast he’ll shut you down. Bc it’s not openness he wants. It’s absolution.
In my experience this is a prelude to either him cheating (and not getting caught) or cheating and getting caught. You didn’t say who had cheated in the past, but I’d guess him. Either way, this is not a good sign and perhaps a harbinger of things to come.
As a man, I would disagree that it’s “purely physical and most of the time, transactional”. If I genuinely have feelings for the person, it’s a whole different level for me.
The way sex is for your husband is not how it is for every guy. Sex is how many of us express our love for our partners. It is not transactional for many of us.
If your husband isn’t doing it for you, you may be should consider moving on
He wants some sort of ethical non-monogamy. If that is ok with you, then go for it. If not, maybe it’s time for a divorce.
Intimacy is hard for me but my wife and I had the deepest most romantic and soul connecting sex we’ve ever had that left me feeling like I didn’t have testicles for days and I still think it’s why she is pregnant with our second
It sounds like he’s trying to groom you into letting him step out.
Turn it on its head and tell him you’re just “curious” about getting back with your hottest ex. Tell him how big his cock was, and maybe your husband can even watch you two from a corner in the room. It’s honestly nbd because you’re just “talking” about your “curiosities,” right?
He just admitted he doesn’t want to be married and (likely) attached himself for sex and domestic chores. Grant his wish and divorce him.
He can screw til his heart’s content, hire a maid, and get a food delivery service. Problem solved.
This is not about you being exploratory. This is about you being monogamous.
Your husband does not seem to want to be monogamous. He wants to fuck around and not have to care about how that hurts you. There is a huge difference between “I want to be able to discuss my sexual preferences with my wife” and “my wife should be ok with me opening talking about wanting to step out on our marriage.”
If I were you I would be done with this. He has cheated on your multiple times and made you feel like it was your fault.
This isn’t a gender thing. There are lots of men who would happily be in a sexually active, monogamous marriage. The idea that men are weird animals incapable of emotional intimacy is a sexist lie
just start the divorce
Girl….he already cheated on you, is likely currently cheating but hiding it better. You’re still young, leave, or it will be DECADES more of this. Let him go find a poly girl, except he won’t because cheaters just enjoy the cheat.
Many men (probably most men) experience sex as a deep emotional connection with their spouse.
Not be willing to talk about him having based with other people is completely normal in a monogamous marriage.
Your husband is an AH who is attempting to guilt trip you into allowing his infidelity. Stay strong.
He’s an idiot. Sex with your wife better be the opposite of transactional and it better have deep meaning.
So the translation for “He wants to be himself and at least talk about the things he wants without judgement.” Means “I want you to give me permission to cheat or at least talk about cheating without you judging me for the cheater that I am.” I would totally cut him loose. Let him pay child support and go get what he wants. Now you know better and can look for a man who loves you with the full intention of being only with you.
He wants to break your vows (and has already). You don’t.
There’s nothing difficult about this except the letting go part.
Hard to offer advice without more info.
Is asking you to peg him?
Or does he just want some strange?
He’s going to keep cheating as long as you stay.
If this is destroying you, leave. He will not change.
Sex is not just transactional for men. That is bullshit. It CAN be, but that is not a rule for all
Secondly, but more importantly, you should absolutely be able to talk about your sexual interests and desires with your partner without shame. Even if their interests are not shared, being able to express those vulnerabilities/desires in a safe place is super helpful.
For example: one partner may want to explore a bdsm Dynamic but the other is primarily “vanilla.” This is a great opportunity to discuss sexual boundaries, trust, safety, hard/soft limits, and possibly incorporate some aspects of the more experimental partners interests into the bedroom in ways that benefit the vanilla partner AND respect their autonomy.
You can do some research into your partner’s interests together and that is a great opportunity to bond. You’re also free to express your desires. This allows you to switch it up and be more vocal about your needs.
“Tonight I think I want to try a little of XYZ play. Not too much, but it might be interesting if you try x-but-not-y-z.”
“Hell yeah. If you are uncomfortable or needs to stop/take a break just (drop this tennis ball/say noodles). I’ll check in too as we go.”
If intimacy with you is just physical for him then he doesn’t love you. How can anyone who loves you not feel an emotional connection while being intimate? As for his calling cheating “ sexual openness” he full of shit. He is just trying to justify his behavior.