Last night we were out to dinner and we’re seated at the bar. He ordered us this glass container thing with a spout (what are these even called? I have no idea) that you’re supposed to pour into your mouth and slowly pull away from your mouth while you drink it – idk any better way to explain this. Anyway, he got us one full of cider (I had no interest in it, but thought it was neat I guess).
The first time I did it, he said I wasn’t doing it right because I wasn’t pulling it back from my mouth. I spilled a little on myself, not a big deal, laughed it off. I try again a few minutes later, and this time he tries to grab it or tilt it or something while I’m pouring/ pulling it away from my face. It ends up pouring all over my entire face, down my neck, and all over my dress. It gets in my eye and immediately starts burning (im wearing contacts). He’s laughing at me, and my reaction was to slap him on the cheek. I don’t know why I did this, I have never done this to him, I’ve spent all night trying to think about why that was my immediate reaction and all I keep coming to is that i was drinking (maybe 3 drinks in at this point? I dont remember) and panicked. Idk. So fucking stupid. I ran off to the bathroom to clean up and cry, and when I came back out he told me that he was trying to help me. I told him I thought he did it on purpose, like he intentionally wanted me to spill it all over myself. He answered no, and to never do that in public to him again. I told him through tears that I was extremely sorry, it wouldn’t ever happen again, and apologized multiple times.
When we got home later I wanted to tell him that one of my exes from years ago used to break my things, or mess with my food, or pour stuff on me during dates because he’d find it funny and one time he snapped a flower that my mom gave me for a performance I worked really hard on… so I slapped him on the cheek. He told everyone that I punched him, and that I deserved to be punched back for it. I wanted to tell my bf last night that’s what I deserve, to be slapped back. But I didn’t say anything. I still haven’t. It’s no excuse for my behavior. We went to bed in silence instead.
It’s the next day and we haven’t said more than 2 words to each other. We just moved in together and I don’t think I should stay here. If the roles were reversed, that would’ve been completely unforgiveable. I don’t expect him to forgive me for it, I don’t deserve forgiveness because it was incredibly fucked up of me to do.
I want to talk about it with him but I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how he’ll react, I don’t know that I’m ready for this to be over but i did this and I have to face every consequence of it I just don’t know how
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Violence is a non-negotiable for me. If my gf hit me even if it’s just “love taps” I am very against it and would lead to separation. Idk what are you guys foundation for each other so idk if he thinks the same as me. You can only have a discussion about it and just bring up to him and be ready to be kicked out potentially. You did something terrible and viewing it as you being the victim will fuck up the apology and talk.
Understand whatever your partner decides, he decides and be there for him
The fact you guys aren’t apart yet shows he has room for forgiveness or is processing what happened. Somehow he hasn’t broken up with you, talk to him as he is letting it happen at all.
It is never acceptable to lay hands on another person in anger. You crossed a serious line, and you need to acknowledge that with him. If you haven’t been through therapy to process your previous abusive relationship, then you absolutely need to get into counseling, since your actions here suggest that you don’t yet have a good grip on healthy relationship behaviors.
Reverse the genders. You were wrong and need to seek help.
Your feelings are correct: violence just isn’t okay, non-negotiable. Sounds like you’re very aware of that.
The path forward will need to be one of reflection: you need to make an effort, ideally with a therapist, to work out why violence was your reaction to that event. You seem to have some awareness, given that you mention events with an Ex possibly triggering this, but your past relationships and resulting issues with interpersonal interactions can’t be made into your current partner’s problem. It’s not fair, as you well know.
Whether or not things continue with your partner, you need to seek assistance with this and find the root of this reaction, then untangle it.