I (38F) haven been employed at the same company for 3 years.
I’m sort of a lone wolf. I’m always polite and say hello and nod in passing but I skip a lot of the daily chit chat. I keep to myself mostly.
We have a coffee break room complete with various beverages you can make in the keurig as well as a seating area.
My morning routine consists of zipping in to make a quick coffee before my day starts.
There’s a group of ‘regulars’ who sit to chat and have their coffee together. They are usually engrossed in conversation and I pass by them without saying anything. My work never overlaps with them so I don’t know them except by face.
Recently one of them (a male) has started pausing mid conversation and saying “Goodmorning” across at me.
I say it quickly back and zip out as soon as my coffee is done.
This has become a regular thing now with the same person stopping their conversation to tell me goodmorning while the rest of them stare on.
One time they weren’t at their usual table and this same person practically shouted it from the back of the room and everyone turned to look. I flushed with embarrassment because I don’t like attention.
I can tell it’s bothering this person that I’m not saying it on my own accord but now I’m starting to feel like a child being chastised. The vibe I get is “you pass by every morning, start acknowledging us”.
They don’t do it to every one else popping in and out to make coffee so I’m starting to feel targeted and I know it’s because I keep to myself.
Am I being overly sensitive?
ETA – when I say goodmorning back this person escalates it further by saying “how are you today?” In a slow and deliberate manner. I find it completely inappropriate this person feels the need to make an example out of me and ‘teach me’ how to socialize in front of an audience.
Comments
Yes, just say good morning to your coworkers.
Some people do find it rude to not be greeted when someone else enters a room. I think it is also, objectively, a little rude to refuse to speak to people until they speak to you first – it might be unintentional on your part, but many people would interpret that as you thinking you’re better than them or w/e.
It really won’t hurt you to offer some concessions re: social niceties at your job. Alienating others you work with rarely pays off. You don’t need to join the coffee table conversation session, but it won’t kill you to say hello or good morning when you walk into a room you’re then going to be in for 2-10 minutes to get your coffee. It is awkward to ghost around an office or whatever completely silently.
Just because you work on your own or are an introvert or whatever doesn’t mean it’s not important to attend to other people’s feelings.
You see these people every single morning and you have not once thought to throw out a courteous “good morning”? That’s why they are making it a point to say something to you. It is pretty rude to not acknowledge your co-workers, even if you don’t work directly alongside them.
Saying “good morning” and when appropriate, “have a good night” are like, the basic hallmarks of office niceties. The bare ass minimum of simply acknowledging these people you see every single day.
You can still be courteous and polite without engaging in all the office chit-chat. Say your hellos and good mornings and carry on with your day.
Yes. How hard is it to say ‘good morning’ when you walk into a room with people in it? I am very sure your colleague does it passive.agressively so that you notice he is always the one saying it first.
Just walk in and say, “morning”
You’re a 38 year old woman. You can handle this.
I think you’re right in that this person is calling you out for what they think is rude. But I think its MORE rude to be doing what they’re doing. Not everyone understands that some people like yourself are just more comfortable keeping to themselves. I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive at all, and quite honestly I’d find a way to let that person know that they are making you uncomfortable. And I don’t think you’re being rude at all. <3
Yes. You are being way overly sensitive.
Start saying good morning to them/him before he can say something. Be a grown up please.
It took me a while to realize that many people think it’s extremely rude to enter a room and not say hello or good morning. I always thought it would be rude to interrupt people, so I would just quietly walk by and not say anything.
If I were you, I would just start walking in every morning and exaggerate a goofy fake smile and say good morning looking directly at him and then walk by and make my coffee.
What happens if you say good morning first when you walk into the break room?
In a word, yes, you’re being too sensitive.
>I’m sort of a lone wolf. I’m always polite and say hello and nod in passing but I skip a lot of the daily chit chat. I keep to myself mostly.
>I pass by them without saying anything.
You’re free to act that way at work, but it comes with the kinds of consequences that you’re experiencing now. If you’re not social at all at work, people won’t like you as much and will treat you differently. That’s just the way it is. You’re gonna need to grow a thicker skin if you plan on continuing to avoid socializing at work. Own the fact that you’re antisocial and understand that acting that way affects how people perceive and treat you.
>The vibe I get is “you pass by every morning, start acknowledging us”.
They’re going about it in a weird/rude way, but they are correct that you should be verbally acknowledging people that you see every day at work. You don’t have to act like you want to get to know them on a deep level, but polite, surface level socialization is a huge part of working life as an adult. “Hey, how are you, nice weather today” is all you need to say. It won’t kill you.
You can’t opt out of that kind of fundamental aspect of work culture and expect people to treat you the same as someone who does participate.
I don’t think you are being overly sensitive. I think your assumption about why he is doing it is probably correct. So just beat him to it. The next time you are in office just say good morning when you walk into the break room.
I also keep to myself and don’t socialize with coworkers much but if someone started doing this to me in a break room I wouldn’t be bothered by someone saying good morning and I would respond in kind with a smile, because that is what you do with coworkers. You don’t have to become involved in all of the office drama, you just have to say good morning or hey how are ya.
No one is asking for a long conversation but a friendly “hello” or “good morning” is basic and to me a professional courtesy. OP you are an adult. Unfortunately many people with anxiety can be misinterpreted as stuck up or childish. So if you do not want to be viewed as any of these things, all you have to say is one word with a kind tone.
If you have terrible social anxiety please see a CBT therapist:). It can help greatly. There is this thing called the fear of fear model which basically states that when we try to avoid something out of anxiety, we actually end up making it occur aka the self-fulfilling cycle. So you don’t want to be noticed. So you try to sneak in so nobody notices you. Therefore everybody notices you. You get the picture.
As career advice, you should initiate saying a very friendly ‘good morning’ to every person you see, even if you don’t know them.
I think of it like driveby good mornings that I shoot out to everyone as I briskly walk to where I need to be so that if anyone wants to take it upon themselves to chit chat they have to practically run beside me.
Anyone who reports directly to me or who I report directly to I will slow down for and ask a question or two. People I have known for 5+ years or who I need to strategically build rapport with get conversation.
None of this is about friendship.
If you say good morning, you probably won’t get unwanted attention. It’s the cordial thing to do, you see these folks daily. They are part of your life for better or worse, make it comfortable for yourself by saying 2 simple words go them.
I understand what you’re saying. You mind your own business and you’re polite and you’re not sure if they’re making fun of you. I agree it’s too much. It’s almost better not to be friends with the people or give them information but then if you don’t, they can be weird. Bring your coffee and dodge them entirely. Or make it before and put it in the fridge or after so you don’t have to interact or be there as long. People are so weird in a group. It sounds like they’re not bothering you otherwise.
I might be on the spectrum, so I get this “don’t want to be perceived or my presence acknowledged” thing, so I get it; but we do have to make the effort to follow the social norms, so I’d take the lead and say good morning as soon as I walk in to the room with headphones on, so I wouldn’t be engaged in further conversation.
Some people take great personal offense if you enter their presence without speaking.
They have every right to this opinion. But IHMO what this person did is even ruder than whatever offense they think you committed. So they suck.
Alright as someone who struggles with understanding social norms/anxiety, I feel your pain and have been in your shoes. I know exactly the type of vibe that person is giving and it’s somewhat of an asshole move IMO. I would likely do the same thing in your situation, I see a group of people talking and I’m not going to interrupt to say hello. But most people don’t view it as that.
People who don’t have trouble with anxiety think you’re being rude but what he is doing is unwarranted and IMO bullying to some degree. But truthfully, I doubt he views it as that, he is just trying to interact and be social, so try not to think of them negatively.
I would suggest saying good morning back
So this kind of communication is actually quite nice… Someone has acknowledged your existence (doesn’t have to be bad) and is deliberately saying hi hello, how are you?….. I don’t like people in general, I also hate attention but taking part in this communication has really helped me. I used to think it intrusive but I also stay in a country where it is part of culture. Now I greet with a warm hey, yeah good thanks and how are you?….
I couldn’t even order pizza…. But this type of communication really made it easier to do things and be less anxious and see that people are not trying to be malicious. That was an internal thing I had to work on.
there could be a lot of reasons for this. some people are more social/talkative than others. i also prefer minimal interactions at work but i do participate in the “good morning / how are you / what’s for lunch” type stuff. i wouldn’t take offense to it though, some people just talk a lot, that’s on them lol. i know everyone is different but for me it’s not hard to say hi, how ya doing. and move along. i can understand if this person is appearing at your desk every day and pushing conversations, but they’re just saying good morning from afar, so i feel like it’s pretty minimal in the grand scheme of things. you could start wearing headphones if you really want to ignore them, or you could just smile and nod when they say something, or you could respond back with hello. i wouldn’t stress too much over it though. they’re interested enough to say hi but it doesn’t seem malicious to me.
I think this is about social norms and courtesy. Sure, you may be an introvert and not particularly fond of conversing with people at work, but it’s just part of the gig. It’s courteous to say “good morning” or “hello” when entering a room with colleagues present. That’s all.
I was a really quiet, introverted kid, and it took me a long time to realize that other kids were picking on me for it because they thought I was being “stuck-up” instead of just shy. That’s kind of what I think is going on here, and while that says a lot more about your colleagues than it does about you, there’s nothing wrong with a quick “good morning everyone,” on your way into the break room. If you really don’t want to engage any further, just wear some headphones so you can pretend you don’t hear them.
I can see how the way this person is talking to you is uncomfortable. There is two sides to this:
Ideally, you find a way to communicate that you appreciate your coworkers, but are not willing/interested in being more social but do not mean this in a rude way. And they find a way to deal with it. This could also be through your manager or HR. But, unfortunately, society doesn’t have much tolerance for people who are different and it can hurt a working environment if one person is not willing to play their part.
Also, I think there’s a difference between being a loner and being socially anxious. If you theoretically would like to be able to socialise more with the people in your office, but can’t because of anxiety, it could be well worth it to seek help. I used to burn BRIGHT RED everytime someone in the office would say anything to me and start sweating profusely. Therapy made that all go away.
I feel like there is no easy way out, but unless you are super sought-after in your field, you probably have to suck it up, as this could seriously jeopardize your career.
Yes, I think you’re being overly sensitive.
Yes, it’s just small talk. You’re coming across as very anti-social. Just say “hello”, smile, maybe exchange a few more pleasantries, and then leave.
Hey I have struggled with social anxiety my entire life. I’m introverted, but even I learned to be passively social with my coworkers at one of my first jobs when I was 19.
Humans are social animals. Yes you need to be pleasant. Most people think it’s rude to not be acknowledged, especially in the workplace, and especially if you see these people everyday. You can walk in, look at that table and say “Morning!” With a quick nod and a smile and that would probably shut him up. But you gotta do it every morning.
It’s really not that deep, and once you break the ice it’ll get easier. I would stop dwelling and making it so personal. That’s only making you feel worse about it on your end I bet.
A coworker once told me, at my first job, that even though I didn’t say much people didn’t take my silence as being stuck up because I would always make eye contact and smile. I had another coworker who they did think was stuck up cause she had a sour face all the time and wouldn’t speak or barely glance at others.
I currently work with 11 people and part of my morning routine when I arrive is doing a walk around and saying hi to everyone. If I know someone did something the night before I ask them how it went or any other relevant question. But that is something I picked up from being a manager, not my current role but its a habit that has only helped me in my professional life.
You seem hell bent on being unfriendly.
I think you’re reading this situation correctly and yes probably reacting too sensitively. They’re telling you you should be greeting people, and they’re probably right…
I chat with the people I work with directly, but the other 90% of my office i don’t know at all. I don’t like to sit and make small talk either. But as I walk around the office, I smile and say “morning” to everyone. It’s easy to add on how are you/happy Friday/how was your weekend etc. I just don’t stop moving so it doesn’t have to go further than that.
I think this skill would help you a lot socially and professionally. You don’t have to be a chatter but you do have to be friendly and polite. This person is letting you know they’ve noticed.
OK I may be the only one who sees OP’s point of view.
Yes, OP maybe could make more of an effort to say hello. But her co workers are also adults too, why do they care? If it’s happening the way OP feels it is, this person is being passive aggressive and rude. That is NEVER OK. I probably wouldn’t say “hi” to a group of people engaged in conversation who I don’t work with either. They are not even next to her making coffee, they are sat at a table.
There are definitely better ways to go about this than the man in this story is. He sounds like the childish one to me. I never assume people not saying “hi” to me is about me – it’s about them. I don’t really care. I think he is the one being too sensitive about this, if it bothers him so much.
If you really just don’t want to play this game with him, just make brief eye contact, nod, and look away and say nothing. But it’s not your best option.
I’ve learned that it’s best to assume positive intent and choose the most generous interpretation of someone’s actions or words. You will drive yourself crazy looking at everything through the most cynical lens.
This person is saying “good morning, how are you.” I’m not sure what kind of mental gymnastics you’re engaging in to construe that as chastising. Unless this is paired with some other snarky behaviour that you’re not mentioning, I very much doubt this person is trying to make an example out of you.
What’s likely happened is that someone in this group has noticed that you, like they, are always in the break room at the same time but never interact. Now they are trying to greet you in order to be friendly or make you feel included. It’s really as simple as that. You don’t need to join their coffee club, just say good morning and move on with your day.
I understand the sentiment… and you aren’t in their little “group” thing. But… just say good morning to them and don’t worry about it.
I’m the same that if other people seem busy; I won’t bother them with a greeting. But I think it’s my normal to.
Cut him off at the pass and wish him a good morning first in a way that lets you steer/limit the conversation yourself. “Good morning everyone! Don’t let me interrupt, just grabbing a bit of coffee.”
So you’re basically saying you’re willing to engage in the social norms and mores of an office when you go into the break room to make coffee. Because you don’t say hello or good morning, you’re not coming off “lone wolf” as much as “rude.”If you want to avoid people and small talk, take your own coffee from home.
Also, you say you’re always polite and say hello but then in the next paragraph state you never say hello to this group. If you just do the good morning nod and smile, they’ll probably leave you alone eventually. I know you want to avoid any and all conversation but that’s just not reasonable in an office setting (especially a break room).
You could be reading the situation correctly and the guy could be reacting to your perceived rudeness. But at the end of the day, you’re telling yourself stories about his intentions. Maybe he’s just trying to be nice because he thinks the little group is coming across as cliquish or whatever. You just never know unless someone comes out and tells you something directly.
I have no idea how anyone in this comment section thinks this guy’s behaviour is okay at all. No, you do not owe some random guy who works in the same building as you a conversation. Yelling at you from the back of the room, and I’m sorry, but trying to “teach” you as if you are a child? What the hell.
If you don’t want to talk to someone then you do not have to talk to them. And if he had a shred of social awareness himself, then he wouldn’t be putting you in these weird/awkward situations constantly.
I don’t think going to HR (as I think you mentioned?) would be good idea, but maybe catch him while he’s alone and
politelytell him to leave you alone.I need to know honestly, how long have you been zipping by them with this routine?
I get it. I do fully. I have social anxiety and over think my entire life and every breath I take. You’ve been ignoring coworkers everyday, in a work professional setting. You say you “zip” multiple times, and I can understand from their point of view that it seems like you’re going fast to avoid and ignore them.
Unfortunately at work (in an office), you have to play the social game and can’t really make it past somewhere without possible chitchat. You should have been saying good morning from the very beginning. Even “good morning all. Just grabbing my morning coffee then I have to run!” Would be appropriate.
“Morning all. Back again, coffee again!”
“Happy Monday. Hope everyone had a good weekend. I need this coffee today for sure!”
My social anxiety would have me coming up with the line in my drive in lmao.
But
>They are usually engrossed in conversation and I pass by them without saying anything.
It’s not like they don’t know you’re there. They are aware you walk in every day, peripheral vision exists fully. They are the “busy” ones and you’re walking in, you can say good morning, smile. It’s more awkward when you don’t.
Edit: oh, I see in the post it says 3 years. Oh. Yikes.
They are literally just trying to have a conversation with you. That’s it.
“slow and deliberate manner”
I’m fine, but are you okay? Your speech seems delayed. Stroke perhaps?
You’ve been rightfully perceived as rude, even if you haven’t intended it. It’s common courtesy to acknowledge people as present when in shared spaces, even if it’s just a grunt or a nod.
You aren’t invisible and neither are they. You’re doubling down on resisting engagement instead of acceptance, vulnerability, authenticity.
I’m fine. Not feeling chatty.
He’s being a bit of a dick, yes. It’s condescending to speak to you like that, and it’s escalating any sublevel conflict. Have a private moment with him. Let him know you’re fine, you just don’t like to talk, especially in the morning, and especially when it seems like a passive aggressive and public dig on your introversion.
You can make a joke out of it by saying something like “I don’t feel like a person until I’ve had my coffee 😄” every so often, they might get the hint you’re not sociable in the mornings and you could get away with a quick wave every now and again.
Just walk in the room and announce “good morning” to the room as you enter. Problem solved.
OP, move to New England. I’m not rude/unfriendly by Massachusetts standards and there are plenty of times my distant coworkers and I coexist in the break room without saying a dang word to each other unless we come into very close proximity (trying to use the narrow kitchen at the same time for example, where there’s some casual “excuse me”s or “do you mind if I grab that thing next to you?” style talk).
But for a more practical answer, I think you’re going to have to figure out a script for yourself to handle this interaction. Be bland, polite, and most importantly, boring as hell. For the: “h o w. a r e. y o u. ?” I’d say something like “Good, thanks. Have a nice day” or a similar phrase that can work as a universal signal that the conversation is over.
Or, power move: if these people are always in the break room when you go in, pre-empt the good morning! Throw it to the whole group, give a thumbs up to any responses, and go about your business. Honestly they’ll probably get bored of this if you start being the one interrupting them.
Jesus fucking Christ, say good morning and leave.
This is coming from another lone wolf:
Actually start saying good morning to everyone one you come across and ask people what they did in the weekend once in a while at the coffee machine.
You now come across as rude, anti-social and a snob.
I feel uncomfortable when my colleague enters a room and doesn’t at least give out a general greeting. Maybe your colleagues are the same. I interpret it as they think they don’t need to bother with me. Makes the room feel about 5 degrees colder, especially if I’m having a nice time with others.
This coworker is being a jerk, especially with the escalation.
Contrary to most of the okay advice here:
I would get a coffee cup that says “don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee” in a cheerful font/pretty color. I’d keep this at my desk in case I ever had to make coffee at work again.
But I would also simply never put myself in the shitty, frustrating situation by making coffee at home or finding a local shop to support even though that would take more of my time and money.
Not interrupting your asshole not-even-really-coworkers convo to insert yourself and say hello to appease them when they are the problem isn’t something you have to do. I don’t care if it isn’t “normal.”
I think that you’re making this issue infinitely more difficult than it needs to be. It’s cordial and kind to acknowledge other people’s existence in a work setting. It doesn’t have to be a lengthy exchange. “Good morning! How are you? Good! Caffeine fix before I start my grind. Have a good one!” Boom. Done.
Girl. You’re 38 years old. You see these people every day and don’t acknowledge them. Yeah that’s rude. Start making an effort? You clearly do need to be taught to socialise so they’re doing you a favour
I see where OP is coming from. I have always been introverted and this really annoys extroverts sometimes and they like to poke us. I also wouldn’t interrupt a group conversation of people. It’s clear you’re not interested in joining the small talk group so why else does he try to keep engaging you?
I think moving forward I would throw out a “good morning” and beat him to it and move on with my day.
Either deal with saying good morning to your coworkers or bring your coffee from home
I hate small talk too, but not acknowledging your coworkers every morning for three years is rude as hell
Possibly they are just trying to include you?
I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive but I think going to HR would be more trouble than it’s worth. It’s super weird to me if none of these people have ever just said a polite and casual “good morning” to you, and this one guy has just started doing this loudly and obviously. I agree with other commenters saying you could just make a little joke out of it, like you’re not a person until you’ve had your coffee.
As an aside, as someone who is not from/has never lived in North America, this comment section is wild to me. Granted I am most likely on the spectrum but not completely socially inept, but I rarely see people in my office (or any office I’ve worked in) say good morning to EVERYONE in the break room, and they all seem to get on with their lives just fine. If you make eye contact or are in close proximity to people then yes, some kind of acknowledgement is polite and appropriate. Saying good morning to a group of people you don’t work with who are sitting across the room and not acknowledging you? I don’t think I have ever observed that.
A normal human being would just say good morning to their coworkers. You don’t have to work with each other to have basic levels of politeness.
Its not about you.
Just nod and wave.
Back when I had to work in an office (which I failed spectacularly at, partially for these reasons lol) socializing was so tough for me. I have autism and I live in my own little world, so interactions that are second nature to people are forced for me. Do you have autism? That would explain a lot of this tbh
This is very bizarre. It is extremely rude not to acknowledge the presence of coworkers.
I’m neurodivergent and I still think you’re being rude, OP. It is rude even if you are not specifically trying to be rude to them. Learn some social scripts and practice and you will likely be able to do it on autopilot. It doesn’t matter to the world if it’s logical or if you want to or not.
You don’t even have to say good morning. A smile and a nod is what I do on days I don’t feel like talking. Unfortunately people will see you as rude if you work together and don’t acknowledge them.
The classic work response to “how are you doing?” is “livin’ the dream!” 😆
Yes you are being overly sensitive. Just say good morning. It’s not that hard.
Say good morning back. If he asks how you are, say “good thanks, I’ve gotta get to work so I won’t interrupt your conversation. Have a good day.” He might be trying to make sure you know you’re welcome. He might be passive aggressive. I don’t know, but you nip it in the bud with that sentence. Then wave goodbye and head to work.
Yes, best etiquette is to say good morning when you walk into the breakroom. They’ll probably go back to their conversations. On their side of things, it might feel cool and distant for you to go in there and not say anything. You don’t have to be best friends with them but best to share a friendly vibe.
I’m 37, and an introvert and antisocial. Your situation would make me flush with embarrassment. I don’t handle social interactions well especially around people I don’t interact with on a daily basis. You work with them so you know OF them, but you don’t KNOW them, there is a HUGE difference on how people like us handle situations like that!
I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive, but it feels like your colleague is being a little pushy, maybe? You don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you do things the way you do or don’t do them. If you don’t want to socialize you don’t have to, but if they keep pushing it then maybe say something but politely at first and let them know that you’re just not interested in small talk or making friends at work.
Since he’s a male and I’ve thought more about this situation he sounds creepy. Idk maybe it’s me, but it just seems weird, it’s like he’s a dog and you’re the (excuse me) shiny toy. Just in my experience, men only seem to do this when they want something and it’s usually only for their own gain and the women end up suffering. Since you work together I’d stay far away from him.
Ouch these comments. Here’s another take: No, I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive. That person sounds like an asshole tbh. Just because someone is quiet/shy doesn’t = that person is a standoffish unfriendly snob. To assume that about someone is the assumer’s problem. If this dude feels the need to interact in a genuine way he wouldn’t be yelling good morning from across the room. Can’t believe the majority of these comments aren’t calling him out for what he actually is, an asshole lol.
With all that being said it doesn’t hurt to try and make connections at work, start small 1×1 and have some topics in mind to randomly bring up or a simple “how was your weekend?” And have an idea of a response in mind. At the end of the day, we’re social creatures, even introverts to an extent. It doesn’t hurt to connect a little beyond a simple hello and nod.
Ok.. maybe I’m crazy but this would piss me off too. It does sound like he’s giving you attitude and trying to embarrass you. I’d probably just give him a big smile and wave like everything is fine, because I’m not claiming that awkward energy. If he has a problem with you, he should be clear and have a conversation with you about it (or have HR do it). I’ve never worked in a corporate environment and my workplace is very casual, but people don’t greet everyone every time they walk in. Brief eye contact and a smile seems fine. My experience doesn’t seem to line up with most commenters here though, so who knows.
Preface: I’m autistic.
Office culture states that if you’re going into the kitchen where other people are relaxing socially you acknowledge them in some way. Probably you could have got away with a nod and you don’t even need to smile every time (do smile some of the time). It is rude to ignore them every day.
Unfortunately, this has escalated past that now, and I think the man has gently been nominated by the group to get you out of your shell, and I say this because it’s only him and none of the rest of the group. You have two realistic options:
-Painful, mid escalation: pull him aside to say he is making you uncomfortable and can he stop. This is likely to cause an excruciating conversation with him about it. This is fight fire with a bucket of water option, may work but also may be extremely awkward and cause career ramifications if it becomes A Whole Issue and it ends up going up the chain.
The “burn it all down” option is to Make It An Issue.
Unfortunately if you don’t acknowledge people when you walk into a room, this is likely to have consequences for your career so lady, put your big girl pants on and say bloody good morning.
“morning all!” In a cheerful voice, then act like you don’t hear any followup questions. Add some ear plugs next time if they act offended. I don’t do chit chat but some pleasantries are just good manners
It’s simultaneously shitty of him to draw so much attention to you AND naive of you to think that you can ice out your coworkers without repercussion. Unfortunately, the reality is that a degree of socialization is vital to success in the workplace.
> I find it completely inappropriate this person feels the need to make an example out of me and ‘teach me’ how to socialize in front of an audience.
… Y’all, not everything is an attack on you. How can you start off this post with claiming that you are “always polite and say hello”, yet go staunch defiance mode when someone tries to engage you in said hellos?? What’s completely unacceptable is being rude to these people you see everyday to the point that you think they’re not even worthy of a “good morning” 😭
My jaw is on the floor after reading most of the responses here. Fuck the “social norm.” This guy is being a jerk on purpose. I am shocked that anyone is siding with him or telling you you’re being oversensitive. There’s so much that can be said here about cultural differences and neurodiversity. Not saying hi in the morning is not the great crime people are making it out to be, and I’m not even sure that interrupting an active conversation to say good morning or whatever is as culturally constant as everyone is implying.
And all of this is to say nothing of MEN trying to dictate how women should conduct themselves in public. If being ordered to smile is a needle, than this is a fucking sword to the neck.
If it were possible to get past the anxiety, I’d respond to his “How. are. you?” just as loundly with something like, “Not great. I struggle with social anxiety, and this guy at work has taken to calling attention to it every morning. I wish he had said something to me instead of this public shaming, but I guess he’s not that kind of person. Anyway, mornings have been rough. How are you?”
Otherwise, I’d ask HR to observe it and give you their feedback.
People can feel however they want about your actions. We’re fucking adults and we don’t bully people who are different than we are. Sorry this motherfucker missed those lessons in middle school or whatever.
I was taught it was rude not to acknowledge other folks in the room, so I say hello to everyone when I enter the room (not individually, but a general hey to anyone there).
A basic response to ” how are you,” is “fine, thank you.”
No need to stress about it, just adapt (a large part of growing up is learning & honing this social skill).
Oh my God do NOT report this to HR … What are you going to tell them, coworkers talk to me in the break room? You’ll look terrible even if your coworkers are being rude.
Look, this is work. You are getting paid to interact appropriately. It’s not this guy’s place to teach you but that doesn’t mean he’s wrong. Saying you’re a “lone wolf” doesn’t exempt you from the basic expectations of your job which include office etiquette.
If you really don’t want to interact with people then you absolutely cannot be going into a public space (the break room). Bring your own damn coffee and stay out if you don’t want to have to say hi to people.
Better option, preempt him by saying hello right when you walk in the room. Ask how their day’s going. Basically you need to be available for chat while you’re in the break room.
I don’t care how autistic you are people are still going to have expectations of you.
I’ll continue to say this: I’ve never seen an engineer fired for doing bad engineer work. I have seen several engineers and engineering managers let go because they come across as “difficult to work with.” Being friendly to people, even those who you don’t work with directly (today), is important. You don’t have to be best friends, but if people think you’re cold and closed off it can lead to stunted career growth and potentially getting your name higher on a list when layoffs hit.
Non confrontation is key here.
If he thinks you’re distracted or can’t hear him, he will eventually back off.
Wear ear buds and pretend you’re on a call, fake conversation and all. When he says good morning, nod and wave back and continue your made up conversation. Try to avoid eye contact or open body language. Does the trick for me when I see regulars at the gym.
God this makes me feel happy I work from home.
Even a quick hi and smile. I do the same thing either get coffee 2 hrs into work so it’s empty or wave at that person who shouts across the room. If they did not use inside voices wear AirPods so it’s like your are in a meeting or tell hr to email everyone about office courtesy
It’s annoying that he’s being pointed about it, but the best practice for professionalism is to greet people when you enter a room.
They are being a dick. Im a quiet person and don’t like interacting but in order to fade in at work you gotta do some of the niceties. Id personally make sure to greet him every time i see him with a big bright good morning! He cant complain that im not friendly, but he would also know I’ve turned his game around on him. Its actually quite delightful to not be put in my place by them. Killing with kindness
I would reframe this. You see these people everyday. If you were to introduce yourself, ask them for their names, maybe even ask them what they do at the company, you would have new acquaintances. And that would actually help you out with your reputation at work. Being viewed by others as a lone wolf is a huge negative.
Nod and smile or wave. I think if they already have a conversation going butting in with good morning is distracting and even interrupting. But a polite nonverbal acknowledgement is fine. No idea why this guy thinks shutting down his groups current convo to get you to verbally say good morning is a good idea, I would find it rude if I were another member of the group. Your good morning is more important than what I was saying? Unless they have a question for you or invite you to join them I find it weird. If it were a midstream quick “good morning” then returning to the prior thought, that would make more sense.
I think you might be missing the social cue that when a door opens to a room, many people will automatically look to the door to see who it is. When that happens acknowledgment is a part of social decorum (a nod, a “hey”, a “good morning”, a “yyyooooooo”).
You are eschewing social decorum because people are looking to acknowledge your presence and you as a person upon your entrance and you are basically pretending like you don’t see them.
No one likes to feel that they’re invisible. Some people brush it off more easily than others. But the fact that you see these people every morning, and still can’t bring yourself to exchange basic pleasantries comes off as snobbish.
Dude, a smile of acknowledgment and nod do wonders. But also, just go on autopilot/robot mode…. Every morning you have to say “good morning” or even just “morning” if it’s not good and every end of day you have to say “have a good evening.” It annoyed the shit out of me because it feels like groundhogs day, but you just have to. It’s office culture, it’s the way the office society is set up. It prevents “escalation”. It’s not about friendship, it’s about perception and job security. If you don’t want to be perceived, then change your schedule and grab your coffee earlier or a little later. If you really want to go full lone wolf with a paycheck then check out some work from home opportunities. Either way, you have all the power in this situation and how you’d like your day to day to be in the workplace.
Bring your coffee from home and avoid this asshat. You don’t need HR, and you also don’t need to appease this guy.
You could respond to it like it’s a statement and say “yeah, it is a good morning”
Or just cut him off at the pass and say good morning first.
You’re being rude. They’re pointing out that you’re being rude, and that’a a consequence of your rudeness. You’re doing mental gymnastics to justify why you think they’re being the unreasonable ones. I hope the comments on this post help you see the situation differently.
That sounds really icky and I would make efforts not to engage with that person. You are not required to interact with them, and their unwanted attention is not appropriate.
I am really surprised by many of the responses. I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive or rude at all. Im sorry this person is picking on you and making you feel uncomfortable. That’s not fair or considerate. A kind person would recognize that you just want to keep to yourself and would allow you to do that. What a jerk. If this was your boss or something, I would say that you should maybe make more of an effort… but you don’t even know these people…screw all of these ideas about office etiquette – it’s a two-way street, and you don’t owe these people anything. I don’t know what I would do if I were you, but I know that this kind of interaction would not only make me dread my mornings at work, but it would negatively impact my mood, momentum and focus. I could maybe see myself making a joke about how I’m grumpy before my morning coffee and then I’d stop saying good morning back and maybe just smile in response before ignoring the person. To continue to push you would be rude…and why should you have to cater to that ?
This sounds exhausting. I am not a morning person, and good morning always bugged me, and still does. I use a hello, how are you – how ya doin’ type of greeting. I do use good morning/afternoon in emails when I don’t know a person’s gender or am sending a tempalte type note.
So if you are like me, just acknowledge them however you want to. The slow talking guy sounds like an asshole, I would probably ignore or, worse, match his energy to show how foolish he is. Same pace “I. Am. Fine. Brad. How. Are. You?
Honestly, I would probably go in the break room when they aren’t there.
I am so thankful that I wfh and am from a place that’s not friendly.
No-one looks good here.
It sounds like you’re being rude and he’s being obnoxious.
I get it. I’m not a super social person myself, and I definitely prefer solitude in a workplace. But yeah, saying good morning to colleagues is pretty standard practice. He’s an ass for calling you out in the specific way he is, but outright ignoring people you share space with isn’t ideal.
You can certainly tell the ages and office experience levels of the people making various comments on this post.
Ew. This person’s behavior may warrant some escalation, honestly. It’s not as though they’re genuinely curious about your wellbeing, anyway; they just get off on this weird power play. Y’all are there to do a job. If some of you become friendly, that’s great! But that’s not a requirement of the job, and nobody should feel obligated to do anything beyond a basic greeting like “hello” or “good morning”.