ETA: This blew up and it’s overwhelming. I appreciate the input and I will read all the comments in due time but for now I’m stepping away. Thanks.
Like the title says…I’m not sure what to do.
I have always, my whole life, wanted to be a mom. I didn’t really date in my 20s and I always just figured I would find my person naturally. Never happened.
I have been dating for the last couple of years but haven’t had much luck. Most of the time it doesn’t go past one date. I’ve dated three men in the last two years (like, more than one date). The first decided he didn’t want kids so we parted ways. The other two were just using me as a placeholder to keep their dicks wet while having feelings for someone else; both times, when the woman they actually wanted became available, I was suddenly tossed aside like trash.
So. I’m feeling pretty sad and discouraged about dating right now.
I have been thinking about having a baby by myself, with a donor, but it makes me really, really sad. I’ve always wanted to be a mom and to carry my own baby, but I always pictured having a family with someone I love, and there’s a lot of grief and sadness with taking this path because it means letting go of something I’ve always wanted.
An alternative is to freeze my eggs so that when I find “my person” – assuming he’s out there – I won’t have to be as concerned about egg health. I am concerned about the cost of it but having a child is also very expensive, so I think there isn’t really a clear winner in the financial sense.
I think that freezing my eggs and having a baby with someone I love is really what I want, but here’s the catch: I have a heart condition that will likely become worse over time, although they really can’t tell me much. (Sidebar: the lack of research about women’s heart health is disappointing but unsurprising.)
I have been told by my cardiologist that I am okay to get pregnant as I am right now. Pregnancy is stressful on your heart and I already know that I will be a high risk pregnancy and that they’ll refer me to a special hospital to be more closely monitored.
It would be possible to have a baby via surrogate, of course, but I’ve always dreamed of carrying my own baby and I honestly think this option would be too hard for me.
I’m also very aware that pregnancy is hard on your body. I know that women in their 40s can and do have healthy pregnancies, but I don’t think I really want to be 47 and carrying a baby, even though it worked for Hilary Swank.
So…do I freeze my eggs and keep looking for my person, which is what I really want, and keep doing what I can to stay healthy? Or do I take advantage of the fact that I am healthy in this moment and get pregnant on my own?
I’m so torn.
Comments
I would say keep looking for the ideal partner if you are financially stable enough to afford a surrogate.
Otherwise, single parenthood is hard. If you only work part time, have a trust fund, have parents/family who you live with and intend to stay home with baby, etc, I’d encourage you to do it. But as a working mom, I don’t think I’d have the strength and resilience to do it all alone.
Obviously there’s no right answer so I’m just giving my opinion imagining myself in your scenario. I normally caution against having a baby on your own but if you have a strong support system I’d say have the baby now with a donor. Your situation swayed me because it sounds like you really want to be a mom no matter what, your health concerns, your knowledge that surrogacy might not be an option you want. It might make it harder to date for a while kids take a lot of energy but if you are OK with that then have a baby. I will say I don’t think I could care for a baby on my own, not having someone else to watch the kid when you have a dentist appointment or emergencies pop up is hard, having someone to just give you a break sometimes is important.
I mean, I do think you need to go on at least some kind of internal journey here. Was your dream always being a mom or was it to be a mom within that classic two parents household? Is it still a dream if it mean being a single parent? The reality of which could be great or pretty relentless depending on the community/support you have around you and your financial situation. Like, I want and have always wanted kids don’t get me wrong, but I decided no bio kids in this society, and that took a big internal journey and a lot of mourning but the reality is I’m not willing to be a parent at any cost and I have things that would need to be adhered to, to pursue motherhood.
If you are, perhaps, willing to become a parent by any means then yes, I suppose I would check your fertility first. Then check in with your community on how much support they can offer. Maybe sit with some time pretending you have made either decision, that you are going it alone and then that you are freezing your eggs to find a person, and see how you feel moving around the world that being your intention (I saw something like this recommended on the Fencesitter sub and seems a good way to let yourself really process decisions).
I think you should have a baby with a donor because in your specific case you would choose being a single mom over not being a mom at all so why wait any longer?
If I were you, I’d set a date. And by that time, let’s say next year, if you haven’t met anyone, then I’d start the donor process. I think you should take advantage of the fact that you’re under 40 and healthy, before waiting too long. Just my two cents.
you asked for opinions, so here is mine. I think nature is showing you all the possible signs that you shouldn’t reproduce. There are other ways of giving back to the world, one of the best things you can do is foster and adopt children. I understand your wish to become a mother, it’s only natural. However, at some point you have to ask yourself – does a child deserve to be born to a desperate, geriatric mother with a genetically bad heart and without a stable relationship? This is harsh, I know. But, just think about it. You can do do much good in the world by fostering and adopting kids who suffered missfortunes in life … In the end, decision is yours. Good luck.
I haven’t had a baby nor am I a doctor, but I think at your age you can probably wait a few years; it doesn’t have to mean waiting until 47 (though I think you were exaggerating for effect).
The right partner will give you a lot of support, both practical and emotional, which I’m sure moms require.
Also if you freeze, and then meet someone in a year or two, you can still try to conceive naturally first. Definitely not unheard of for that to happen in the late 30s or early 40s. I mention that because it would mean less costs. You’d still pay to freeze and store your eggs but potentially not for future IVF.
I understand why you’re torn and I’d also understand advice to say just go for it if a baby is your priority. You may find a partner later (lots of divorces in the 40s and having a blended family could be very sweet). Those are just my thoughts. Best of luck.
My advice would be to read this thread. Freezing earlier with many eggs gives you a good chance of becoming a mom. But it is not cheap. Ballpark is 30k… but depends on your benefits and the country you live in.
https://www.reddit.com/r/IVF/comments/1he05m4/psa_regarding_egg_freezing/
I can’t, in good faith, give you advice.
This decision is a big one and comes with its own risks. I can just offer resources to better educate you so you can decide what works for your set of circumstances.
I’m sorry to bash men but it truly seems that the vast majority of them do not do their share of chores, cooking, shopping, & childcare. Most do, however, contribute a paycheck.
Basically, if you can afford to have a kid on your own, & pay for childcare, I think you should go ahead & do it.
Freeze and prepare to do 2-3 cycles.
Surrogacy is reallllllly hard, you’ve already expressed how emotionally hard it might be to see someone else carry and it’s often filled with lots of bills in the road, super expensive and loss is common.
I would suggest you meet with a fertility clinic and discuss options because it sounds like either way you’re planning on pursuing fertility treatments soon. Knowing your options, what they look like etc might be helpful. Did you cardiologist give you a timeline of ‘pregnancy is generally safe within the next 3 years’ or is the lack of timeline adding to your frustrations?
You need a plan. Either you find a man, try becoming a mom on your own or just focus on other things.
It’s game over for me. And I’m even younger than you. It just be like this for some of us.
Oh, OP. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this – reading your post breaks my heart a little because it’s been such bad luck.
Honestly… if I were you, I’d probably have a baby with a donor now, or at least within a set deadline in the near future (i.e., no more than one year from now). If it weren’t for your heart condition, I’d freeze your eggs and wait a little longer – but because of your heart condition, it seems like time is really of the essence here. Please prioritise your own health here – you don’t want to put your body in danger waiting around for the right man, because it’s not always a guarantee that he’ll turn up in time (if at all).
Whatever you choose, though – good luck for real. Being a single mum is never easy, but you sound like you have a great support system so hopefully it’s able to be a joy for you.
I mean it really just depends on what you want to do and what you’re comfortable with. I think one thing to remember is even if you have a partner it’s not guaranteed they’ll be there to raise the baby be that they leave or you guys break up or they pass away. So you got to be willing on all scenarios to be able to do it yourself. If you do use a donor you need to have a plan in place in case something happens to you medically and you yourself pass away. Do you have that support system to help with those things?
I’ve been looking into this too and don’t want to be bleak but you need to be aware of the positives and negatives.
A major negative, besides the cost, is that sperm banks are not regulated. Men can and do lie about their health, education, work, and more. For some people these things matter, because we don’t yet know who a child inherits intelligence from, or artistic abilities, or work ethic, or whatever; so many women will pick the “best” donor based on their personal criteria (as you would with a partner) and would put their trust in the donor to be honest and the clinic to verify. But they don’t.
There are some clinics that verify some details (a friend mentioned a sperm bank whose donors are all Ivy League graduates, so they would have to verify their degree for this to be the case) but if someone lied about other aspects there are no checks.
This came to light recently in part when a US clinic’s data was breached and published which led to one woman learning the name of her donor who she searched for online to learn he had lied about schizophrenia. And there’s also the case of “super donors” who have donated around the world and have hundreds or thousands of children (there’s a Netflix show on this). The psychological and sociological impact of this could be significant so I would recommend a clinic that limits the number of families a donor can assist rather than having no limit. You will also need your child to know this when they are older as genetic sexual attraction is a genuine phenomenon and you don’t want them partnering with a half sibling.
Obviously a man you’re dating can lie but there’s a difference in regards to paying a lot of money for a service and expecting a level of honesty and verification that doesn’t exist from these businesses.
Also, there is a sub for donor conceived children should you want the other side of the conversation. Its very negative so consider if this is worth looking into. If you do, remember that its very easy to romanticise an alternative scenario you can never experience, so where some of these people have a negative perception of their parent(s) choice, they can never know if it would have worked out better if they had chosen differently. But they are convinced of this narrative.
Ultimately as long as you are confident in your ability to have 100% of the responsibility be yours and have a good support system, then you’re going into this with your eyes open about how difficult some aspects are going to be on your own. Like 3rd trimester health and mobility challenges, post partum recovery, when you’re ill and still needing to care for your child, when they are ill and it’s all on you, being a single income household, etc. However some of these things can still be true with a partner, you just have to be more honest with yourself when its just you.
If you don’t have a village, make one. Connect with others local to you who are also expectant parents or have children the same age. Go to the parent/baby groups and pregnancy groups, find reliable babysitters, learn how to ask for and accept help. Don’t isolate yourself and expect you can do it all.
Honestly, even as a childfree person myself, I think you should go for it now.
Use a donor, sure the perfect guy may come around but frankly I think it’s smarter to have your child now, while you are still young enough to run after a toddler and your parents are healthy enough to be present.
If the one comes around, he will be happy to be a dad to your child. And if he doesn’t come around, you didn’t miss out on your dream of becoming a mom. Especially with your hearth condition.
Either way, I wish you all the best on your journey, be it donor or freezing.
Hopefully I can give some good perspective here as I’m 37, pregnant, and a single mom by choice:
Like you, I always knew that I wanted to have kids. Ideally, I’d have found someone to fall in love and have kids with, but that hasn’t happened for me. I’ve always been the chronically single friend.
In my late 20s, I did a lot of soul searching and realized that while I don’t believe I’d regret not finding someone, I’d regret not having kids. I then had to decide if I thought I could do it on my own (spoiler: the answer was yes). I set myself a deadline of 35/36 to find someone and if I didn’t, using a donor.
I do have a great support system and financial means to hire out help when needed. Those were biggest factors in me deciding to go forward with it. I’m only 23 weeks pregnant, but I haven’t regretted the decision yet. Deciding to use a donor doesn’t rule out that you can’t meet someone in the future. It also doesn’t mean that you can’t later on have kids with a partner as well.
I’d suggest checking out r/singlemothersbychoice and read some of the posts there. It’s obviously going to be biased towards choosing to go with a donor, but a lot of women post asking the same things you’re asking. It’ll also give you a better idea of some of what goes into it.
At the very least, it can’t hurt to get your fertility checked out to see what’s going on. You may find out you have more or less time than you think. Ultimately, it’s just making a decision you can live with.
If you don’t know what your health will look like with a pregnancy or after the pregnancy, I think you need a very clear plan for who would care for a child if you can’t care for them. Seems sketchy to have a baby on your own knowing you have a progressive heart condition and no partner. Why not adopt a baby if life doesn’t bring you a decent partner? You could still be a mom, avoid further health issues, and you would have more time to decide on this.
Honestly, the main thing is to decide what matters most to you right now waiting for “the one” or becoming a mom. If you feel deep down that you want a baby and your health allows it, maybe it’s worth taking that step with a donor without delay. Love and a relationship can still come later, but time and health are more limited.
I’m a little jealous of how sure you are that you want a child. No matter what you decide, I think your child is going to be very lucky to have you as their mom.
I would encourage you to start the IVF process right away. You don’t have to decide today if you want to freeze eggs or embryos using donor sperm. Egg retrievals are a time consuming process so even if you reach out to a clinic today it’s likely going to be a few months before you’d even be doing the retrieval. Unfortunately success of egg retrievals drops rapidly between 36 and 40 so your best odds of success are to get started asap.
Statistically embryos are more durable frozen than eggs but I would have a discussion with an IVF clinic to get up to date information before making decisions on which path is best for you. Once you have eggs or embryos on ice you can take more time to decide whether to wait on finding a partner or not.
My only advice is that if you do decide to have a baby on your own to do a lot of research into sperm banks. At least in the US they are a for profit system and can be very predatory (lying about a donor’s background and how many other times they have donated)
Laura High on TikTok and IG is a donor conceived person who talks a lot about the US fertility industry and their for-profit BS.
FWIW I know single moms by choice who are thriving as parents and people. I’d just employ a very skeptical mindset when looking for a fertility clinic. Assume that their goal is to make money
I’ll give a different perspective.
I am a mom with a spouse who is an active father. I work full time, but from home. My husband is a stay at home dad. We have a part time nanny. We hire a cleaning service. We order delivery and haven’t cooked since my daughter was born. I don’t have any health problems and neither does my husband nor my daughter. My daughter sleeps decently well for a baby. Not a unicorn, but definitely better than average.
Every day I still feel like I’m riding the edge of a knife in terms of exhaustion. The sleep deprivation just hits so hard in my 30s, and I was relatively fit before delivery. An unexpected C section wrecked me. My husband did so much in the first 6 weeks taking care of me and baby.
It would have been absolute hell if I did it alone. I was so thankful every day that he is here helping me. I don’t know how single moms handle it. I really don’t.
I’m childfree so take it with a grain of salt but I’ve always felt that when deciding to have a child a woman should always assume they are on their own.
You can love the idea of having a family and a man there to support you. And for many, many people this dream comes true.
However, many may stay married but with a deadbeat husband who does nothing. Just as many get divorced and get stuck with the majority of the child rearing. And although there may be some child support associated with that, getting men to pay can also be difficult. There are more than enough stories that show that even if you found a nice man to marry and have a kid with, you may not stay married or than man may not stay nice. It’s not fair, but it’s the reality for many and those you don’t consider this as a possibly of happening to them many times grow frustrated or resentful.
I’m not saying that to be negative, but just that I think considering worst case scenarios when it comes to bringing a new life into the world should at least be considered. Nothing is guaranteed, and even if you meet “your person”, that isn’t a guarantee he remains your person.
With those things considered, only you can decide if a child is right for you.
I had a baby all on my own with zero outside support or help. It was difficult, but I wanted to be a mom more than anything, and I know I was happier than some of the moms who did it with an unhelpful, but present father.
My son is the best thing I’ve done with my life.
I don’t have any advice, I just wanted to give another perspective in response to those saying you need outside help and support.
If you want to be a mom, you should take action now as over 35, complications go up.
You’re my age and I sympathize with you. I think if I were in your position I would get my eggs frozen now as a just incase. Then give myself a timeline, another 4 years maybe since life can change so fast and you may meet the right man in that time.
I understand feeling so sad about dating. It can be so hard. I will tell you that after I found myself as a single mom (which is doable but very difficult) I was single for 5 years and then met the man of my dreams. 4 years in and we have a 1 year old, engaged, have lived together for a while and are in the process of buying a dream house together. So life can change in the beat of a heart. There’s nothing wrong with using a donor if you have a lot of support but it’s definitely rough doing it all on your own.
Hey, I had a baby on my own so AMA. One thing that jumped out at me is that you’d be sad to do it on your own. I’d advise working through that prior to having a baby. It gets lonely and hard to do it on your own. For me, I knew I wanted to be a mom and I’ll worry about finding a dad for our family later on. It’s just not a priority.
Adopt?
So one option is have a baby with a donor and live with your parents. I think it’s totally reasonable to raise your kid in a multigenerational household and works great for many people. But you have to think about how you would feel about it.
Have you lived with your parents recently? Would it be pleasant or a nightmare? Would they be be supportive or infuriating? Presumably as your parents age you might be expected to step up and reciprocate the caregiving. How do you feel about that?
If this is truly the option you’re considering I think you should go for it. It’s not just because of your own health. It gets harder for grandparents to be involved as much as they age. If you wait for years that’s five fewer years your kid gets with their grandparents and vice versa.
You can meet “the one” at any time but the logistical demands of parenting are somewhat time sensitive. Or you could meet “the one” and have a baby and then realize he sucks and be stuck dealing with him forever.
Well. Do you have the support and resources to be a single mom? If so, line up your ducks in neat little rows and go for it. If not, harvest and freeze but set a time limit for yourself, as I’m sure that’s expensive. My concern is you’d settle for halfway decent instead of the Right Partner™️. I’d rather see you gather up your support network and resources to become a mom. Because if you settle and the guy isn’t a great partner, you’re a single mom anyway.
As a parent myself: my advice is don’t intentionally try to have a kid alone, if other options could exist.
Yes IVF isn’t cheap. But having a child alone will likely cost more. You will need to return to work almost immediately, and daycare for an infant is crazy expensive. You’ll have nobody to relieve you with parenting duties, and a nanny/sitter is expensive. You’ll have nobody for emotional support who is invested in the child. I can not put into words how exhausting it is at times to be a parent.
You’ll also have to deal with a child who asks who her daddy is and why everyone else has one but her. It may be hard to see her feeling that loss.
The people telling you to set a date seem reasonable. I will just chime in as someone who is a traditional mom who knows a single mom by choice. Her life is HARD, and she has a lot of financial cushion between her previous career and inheritance. It would be way harder if she didn’t have money. On top of all of that, her child is special needs and requires many services which contributes to how hard things are for her. She had her child at 40 with eggs she froze when she was younger.
Being a single parent is no joke. As a married mom of two, with a lot of extended family help, I would never dream of purposely being a single parent. But that’s just my anecdotal two cents.
Do it while your health allows it would be my advice. I know you dream of a loving husband and father, but honestly early child-rearing would create conflict between you two no matter what. A not insignificant amount of partners don’t pull their weight anyway. Just check out the r/newparents or r/mommit for a glimpse. Every other post is seemingly from a married single mom. Anyway, my 2 cents.
There’s a lot of advice here about what you should do, but I just wanted to say you seem like a really kind, thoughtful, empathetic, and caring person. Your future child (regardless of how you decide to have them) will be so lucky and blessed. ❤️
FIRST go to a fertility clinic so they can check your eggsupply and quality of them. Then you know “how much time you have left”.
I am 36 and had secondary infertility, TTC of 2 years with one loss. So I read a lot of things, listened to doctors podcasts etc. I am now 29 weeks pregnant.
Before freezing your eggs, have you done any testing? Blood tests like prgesterone, amh; estrogen, tsh, lh etc? Have you done any ultrasound of your uterus to see if you have a healthy uterus and ovaries? How about HSG to see if your fallopian tubes are okay? You can do egg freezing and that’s expensive but if the environment where the baby needs to be is not good then it might go to waste. For donor, make sure his sperm is of quality especially it underwent dna fragmentation etc.
Honestly, since you are 36, you should do it now. The older you are, the harder the pregnancy will be on your body, even without a heart condition.
I recommend going to see a reproductive endocrinologist (fertility doctor) now to assess your fertility and your options. Women’s fertility starts decreasing at age 30. By the time I went to see a fertility doctor at age 35, it was too late
Do you have parents that would be involved if you were to do it on your own? You’re going to need some help.
Honestly neither. Sometimes you have to accept an answer that you don’t like, but you’re not in a good place for either and that’s fine!
If you really, really want your own child, do it now. It only gets harder from here.
There’s no biological limit on finding love, but there is one on having a child.
Egg-freezing is not the panacea everyone seems to think it is, especially if you’re only doing it at 36. Can you afford multiple rounds of egg-freezing? Are you going to be ok if they all fail and you never have a child? I’ve seen this happen to people I know who thought that with freezing eggs, they could afford to wait, and it is emotionally very difficult. If financially stable, I’d rather have the baby and deal with the difficulty of being a single parent than have the difficulty of knowing for the rest of my life that I could never have something I wanted so badly.
I would totally freeze eggs! If you ever have infertility, you’ll have them.
I’m also 36. I have one toddler, but my marriage ended this year. I always dreamed of having more than one, though I’m very grateful for the kiddo I have! I might go down the donor route for more, it’s a dream I’ve put on the back burner for now. I figure I have until about 38 to make up my mind. So a similar position, kinda.
r/SingleMothersByChoice is a very helpful subreddit. Whatever questions you have, the strong capable ladies there have grappled with em as well, and found solutions that work for them. It’s a helpful glimpse into what your life might be like down that road.
Maybe I’ll find someone who loves me as a partner, maybe I won’t. But it’s reassuring that I don’t need to make my mind up right now, and I don’t need a man to have a baby. I figure 38 is kinda my cutoff, I’ll need to decide by then.
In your shoes, I might invest some money in a professional matchmaker, and set a deadline (6 months? Whatever feels right for you) by which time I’d want to be feeling secure in a marriage-bound relationship.
Your call.
Also consider, eggs frozen as eggs (without the sperm added) have lower survival rates than whole embryos. So when you’re choosing what to do with your eggs, take a peek at that research and see what you’re willing to gamble.
Again, all your call. Sending sisterly support and empathy.
My sister had a baby with a man she’d hoped would leave. She saw herself as being a badass, independent single mother. Her child was born severely disabled and she relies on him and our family much more than she’d like.
Hey, OP.
I was also thinking of being a single mother by choice before meeting my partner. When I looked into egg freezing, based on the expenses and my own fertility, I decided to just do it on my own rather than freeze and wait.
So for what it’s worth, I think it’s really important, no matter what you decide, to check on your fertility now. Many women are super fertile at the age of 36, and some are not. That can help you with making your decision from an informed place.
I’ve heard from more than one woman (who got divorced) that single parenting is easier than parenting with a poor partner. If you’re prepared financially, and have a village, I think you’re more prepared than many couples who have kids, frankly.
Reading some of your comments, I feel like you’re in an amazing place to do this on your own. You’ve got money saved, you have supportive parents that you can live with. You feel you’d rather be a single mom than not be a mom at all. I’d say do what feels right. And either way (egg freezing or becoming a single mother) – if you can, therapy to help with the decision.
If you know you want to be a mom no matter what than go for it. I just had my second at 36 and while it was a healthy pregnancy and baby I am glad I wasn’t much older doing it. Of course this is not everyone’s experience, some people truly feel great during their 40+ pregnancies (I just know that wouldn’t be me).
There is no reason you couldn’t have a baby and then perhaps meet someone and have another child with them. If you know that having a baby is end game I would pursue that immediately, there is a lot of time and effort between deciding to have a baby and actually having one.
Hi, this doesn’t answer your question but as a suggestion if you do decide to go the route of having a baby. Maybe you could see if there was a gay man out there that would want to donate? That would also want to co parent. You wouldn’t have the minefield of donor costs and you’d be able to have a support person that would love the child like you do.
I honestly think that if I was fertile, healthy and wanted a baby soon with no father, I’d have a few anonymous holiday flings and save myself the massive clinic fee. I’d take my chances I think, I really don’t like the idea of selecting a donor, I’d rather have fun and chemistry and a good memory. Either that or I’d come to an arrangement with a good male friend. I suspect that’s quite a common method.
If you have the financial means to afford help at home with the baby (night nurse for example), or if you have family or friends who will help, I would begin the donor journey now, if it were me, personally. If help is not affordable or available, it will be incredibly challenging to care for a newborn as a single parent. My concern in that case would be that the hormones, the struggle and sleep deprivation of new parenthood, with the conflict you’ve described of being unsure about doing it alone in the first place piled on top… could just be enough to break a person. That’s all I’d caution. I think if you have help, it would mitigate that, though.
I’d say keep yourself as healthy as possible, start taking folic acid (look into coQ10 too) and freeze eggs asap. If you can afford, freeze another round of embryos with a donor if you are ready to do so.
Then set a date, and if by then no prince charming, go forward with the embryos. But read up on single mothers by choice and see if it is a route you would be mentally ready for.
I am following an instagram account in my country that is single mothers by choice, they all say the same, start the process sooner than later. None of them said they regret it (of course might not admit it) and some of them even go for a second one, but all of them have some sort of a support system (usually their parents) that they live closeby and get help from. Most of them recommend open donors. Most of them seem content but some quite tired looking. Perhaps because some were already in their 40’s.
Anyhow, a plan that you are comfortable with to reach your goal and feel like you can do is the way to go.
Sorry if someone already said this but….
Listen to the Single Greatest Choice podcast
I wish I had frozen my eggs in my 30s. I met my husband when I was 38, by the time we got married and were ready to have a kid we went through rounds of IVF and finally had to go through an egg donor. I love my little girl to the moon but it would be less complicated for her as she grows up if I was her bio mom. (We will be letting her know that she’s a donor baby.)
Also check out the conceived by donor subs it will
Give you a point of view from the donor child’s point of view that may help you make a decision.
I’m almost a 36F. I have been having the same concerns for the past 5 years because the clock just keeps ticking forwards and I don’t take any action. I’d give you the advice I’m not following: please freeze your eggs, especially if being a mom is your dream and certainty. We’re not getting any younger and they’re with us since we were in our mom’s uterus. I’m a lesbian so the options are always expensive and never easy, I can relate with you. But I’ll never pull the trigger without a partner, not only that I love but that I can trust a child with. I’ve enough of trauma from my parents to know that good parenthood is key. Plus, if I ever have a child, I want this child to have a backup in case I’m not there for major circumstances – like my disease or my death. You can skip the partner if you have a safe network like family that can take care of you and the kid because pregnancy is a delicate time and risk increases. And unfortunately, we’re not that young anymore.
Hi OP, not sure if you will see this but I wanted to add my two cents as someone who has worked with kids as a teacher, an Au Pair for a single dad and as someone who has worked with orphaned kids. Make sure to ask yourself if you are ready to be a parent and to parent alone. Kids need a TON of support throughout their lives, emotional, educational etc, and they will only be looking to you for it as the sole parent. Are you going to be able to handle the stresses of your work simultaneously with your child? Can you financially support a child with disabilities? Have you looked into the cost of childcare/preschool in your area?
Freezing eggs/finding a donor is a lengthy process, so I would recommend you find opportunities to interact or volunteer with children of various ages if you haven’t already. Familiarize yourself with the real challenges of parenting because it is only through experiencing these things that you can discover how you truly feel. If you’ve already considered all of this you can disregard my post, but I just wanted to add this because I’ve known many children whose parents were unprepared to be single and struggled tremendously.
Have you considered using an egg donor or embryo donor when the time comes?
Is your heart condition genetic?
I’d just have a baby now.
I would never ever ever ever consider having a kid with someone until I’d been dating them for at least 3 years.